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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Background: second marriage. He is 51, I'm 50. Married 11 years. His kids are now 23-27. Divorce was messy and it's clear he feels guilt. Daughter stole my wedding ring from my first marriage (I found it in her belongings). He didn't make her apologize but he did apologize for her. She was 19, pregnant, unmarried, with an abusive guy. Two years late, pregnant again with another man. Unmarried at the time--subsequently married. Pregnancies occurred usually after husband told her that she was 18 and either needed to be in college or working...

Btn her kids, we had to replace something at home. He took me shopping for the replacement, we found something but he told me that we couldn't buy it now because we were trying to get a business loan and had to be conservative. Items were furniture and ran $699. Less than one week later, in our joint e-mail, found a confirmation of booking a cruise for his daughter and step daughter from his first marriage. No prior discussion and clearly forgot the "let's be conservative". I asked him and he said he did so to boost daughter's self-esteem and to reward her for going to community college (mind you other kids in family went to college without being rewarded for it).

Now, he helped to buy her a house with his business' money. It made sense because it was only $49K and was worth more than twice and their mortgage pmts would be low. He wanted his grandkids to have a home versus living with his ex.

What he said: He told me that any money we spent (not collecting rent from a tenant who privately financed this house for him and buying repair materials) would be reimbursed 100% when they refinanced the house and would cash out for that amount. They were also to pay at least half of the anticipated new mortgage payment. He asked me to maintain a spreadsheet of every cent paid for this house and I did.

The REALITY: almost one year and no rent payment to our company so we are losing $1250 per month, the loan will have to be in husband's name so if they can't pay, we'll be stuck with the house (not farfetched because his ex defaulted on her house and he was stuck with the payments and the house). The total paid to date between missing out on rent and payments for supplies: $20,000. What we will get when the loan closes: $6,000! That is a $14K shortfall. It should be known that I have been asked to help make payments on behalf of the business (like taxes) and I'm owed close to $12K by the business. He tells me that he justifies this spending on her by saying that this would have been money spent if she went to college (she didn't finish and doesn't work--just like her mother)

Putting that aside, I will freely admit that I am jealous:
-the daughter can steal and get pregnant twice and there is no consequences--only rewards.

-he talks to her with such a positive sing-song voice and never puts her down (he criticized my house-keeping in front of her husband this week).

-he is so focused on her self-esteem; however, it does not appear that he feels that way for me

-I CONTRIBUTE to this marriage. I work, I bring home $$ that help him to fund this, I have not hurt him and I'm responsible

He is extremely defensive if I bring up how much we have spent. I've told him a few times since we've gotten married that I don't want to be treated better than his kids but I'd like to be treated at least the same as his kids.

I'm going to start telling him that I am not in a financial position to help him any more. Any other advice?
 

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Wow. That's nuts.

Honestly, I started reading this expecting to hear the same kind of quibbling about stepdaughters that we all do (me included), but this?

This is crazy. Have you been to any marriage counseling? This is the kind of thing that will kill your marriage. And yes, you need to do some separation of your monies at the very least. AT THE VERY LEAST. The emotional separation? I don't know. He clearly cannot do it, and I sure wouldn't be able to deal with that.

Just fyi, I've worked all my life, got scholarships, awards, kept my nose clean and you know what? My daddy still ain't never bought me no house. *boggles*
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
When we were dating he told me that he went to marriage counseling with his ex. He actually initiated it. Last year, I was struggling with another issue (his wanting to go to Mexico for experimental bariatric surgery and not wanting me to go with him and not wanting me to tell ANYONE). He told me that he would go if it was short and that he didn't want anything new thrown out. At the counseling, he told the counselor that if it bothered me that much he wouldn't have the surgery. I told him not to cancel but that I needed to work some things out first. He knew he was still going to go through with it and he did. My concerns about the surgery and how he was approaching it ended up all coming true.

I ended up going to counseling myself for a few months until he closed his practice.

I would definitely be willing to go for counseling; however, if he doesn't go, will it help our marriage? I know it will help me (teach me how to build-self esteem and not be codependent etc).

I do think that there is a lot of good still with this marriage (we always post the bad things) and if I was truly doing something wrong that could be changed, I would be open to hear about it and change it.
 

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Oh, do you want the nice answer or the truth?

Yes, you should go to counseling yourself. But no, it will probably not help your marriage.

Sorry -- you're in a tough spot.
 
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