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Wandering aimlessly

1022 Views 3 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Emerald
Hi all,
Read some great advice and tough tales so far.
Looking for a little help for myself.
I'll try to be brief as possible.

Married just over 10 years to a beautiful woman that I am still wildly attracted to and is even getting hotter with age. We have two children, 9 and 5. They are wonderful, polite, and caring kids. We get many compliments on their behavior. However, they are also very needy. Mommy this, and mommy that. It seems like 99% of my wife's homelife is devoted to their care. That is great, and I help as much as I can and when I am allowed to help. Just when I think they are getting to an age where we can have some husband and wife time (relaxing, enjoying each other's company, maybe even sex) they have become night owls. Bedtime stretches from 8pm until as late as 11pm. I find it to be ridiculous and a serious problem for them and us. The oldest can't sleep, cries, and even becomes nauseous in the later hours (this is more recent). Its concerning, but also appears psychological. My wife tends to their every need and doesn't see the issue the same way I do.

On top of everything else she doesn't feel sexual. Hasn't since the birth of the youngest. She has had some pain in her lower stomach and we've had her checked and scanned for everything to no avail.

I try to be affectionate. There is never a good time. Even a kiss feels like I am invading her space.
I have come to the conclusion that I am extremely needy myself. Part of my needs are also to give myself completely to her, but she doesn't have time to accept it.
It is killing me emotionally and affecting every part of my life (professionally and personally). I am normally a bit moody, but I sometimes wonder what came first.

Divorce isn't an option. I am far from giving up.
Cheating isn't an option. No woman can hold a candle to my wife.
I just have no idea what to do?
I know what I want. I ask her what she wants and she is either unsure or says "time" for herself or to relax. She says that when she can have peace she may be more inclined to show affection. I often reply with asking, even begging, for a kiss or a hug or just cuddling up on the couch to watch a sit-com.
I know in time enough of these quality moments will build to something more but I'm not even seeing any attempts to start the little stuff. I always offer to help cook, bath the kids, etc. But she has her way and I am apparently too inept to accomplish these tasks. Sounds like a martyr.

I guess that wasn't that brief. :)
Any thoughts or help is always appreciated.

Mr. "currently half empty" Bucket
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I think you need to get a bit deeper on what makes her feel peaceful. It can take some time to transition to feeling relaxed, and half an hour here or there may simply not be enough time to let her mind stop worrying about the kids and things that need to be done. However, this is a symptom of the problem and not the cause of it.

The cause is more deeply rooted: Why does she feel such a need to remain in control? What does she think will happen if things are not done her way?

Your situation is one that marriage counseling can be very successful in resolving. If you can't/won't see a therapist, try to delve into this topic by asking "Why is *this* important to you?" until you get to the core issues.


"Why is it important that the meal be cooked your way?"
"Because I don't like how many dishes you dirty when you cook."
"Why is it important to not have dirty dishes when I cook?"
"Because I have to spend time to clean up after you."
"Certainly it's my responsibility to clean up when I cook, but it makes me wonder why is it important to not spend extra time cleaning up after me?"
"Because I take up too much time for everyone else already."
"So it's important for you to have time to yourself?"
"What is it about that that's important to you?"
"Because if I don't get time for myself, I feel like nobody cares about my needs."
"So you feel like I don't care about your needs when I don't do things the way you like them to be done?"
"Yes, sometimes."
"What can I do to let you get time for yourself and show that I care about your needs?"

and so on
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A lot of things you have said are unsettling.

Why do you think your oldest child is crying at bed time? I suspect the naseau is the cause of this as when we get very tired we can all feel a little sick to our stomach.

Your wife is ignoring your relationship. She is getting her primary needs met by the children and to some degree has already checked out of the marriage. On the one hand she wants more time to herself but on the other does not let you handle some of the responsibilities necessary for her to achieve this. She either feels you can't do it right and/or protecting the fulfillment of her needs that she receives from caring for the children.

Yes you are needy because your needs are not being met at all. They are pilling up and creating a damn full of resentment. ( moodiness.)

If you are having sex less than once a month then other posters on here will tell you that you are living in a sexless marriage. She is not willing to get to the root of her stomach issues (which I see as an excuse that is working for her) because the sex in your marriage is not important to her at all.

I would suggest you read. - Married Man Sex Life Primer- Athol Kay. Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

and No More Mr. Nice Guy. No More Mr. Nice Guy

And check out the thread at the top of the Mens Clubhouse forum.

Just to add. Begging is a complete turn off for her. Do not beg for her affection at all.
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She's spoiling your children & you are allowing it because you are afraid of her.

No child should have an 11:00pm bedtime. What time do they have to be up for school? This spoiling will turn them into terrible teens & trust me if you think you have problems now..........

Your neediness & begging for affection is seriously irritating her.

You need marriage counseling.
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