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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Things hav happen fairly quickly(for me that is, probably too long for her:( long story tried to make short for the sake of looking for advice...got the "love you but not in love with you" talk couple weeks ago...she is actively looking for a place too move to...I know I can't make her stay and I know the more I try too be close too her to show her that I do and always have loved her, it's not what she needs.......I am coming around too the 180 plan but my question is if she is upset with me for not making her feel special and sexy, how do I manage to back away and give her room when that was the problem in the first place? The plan tells me to not say the I love you stuff, don't buy gifts, etc.....Will she not see this as me turning away from her?....I know that women want to see a strong man which I think I can pull off, but my heart is dying that I can't call or text to say that I love her....Help me please...I feel that no matter what I do it will be the wrong thing
 

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Really t0o vague here.

If it has been a long time coming on her part, and she has tried other things to get the marriage on track, then she's at the end of her rope and nothing you will do will get her back.

If you think there may be a chance, I think you have to tell her that a separate place won't work and if she wants the marriage to succeed, she stays and you both go to marriage counseling.

Otherwise, when she walks out the door, it's for good. And as far as your handling it, her walking out the door will send a clear message to you that calling/texting will get you no where but looking weak.
 

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OK, I'll play the devil here on this one

While she could in fact be a WAW, the two disturbing parts of your post are the ILYBNILWY speech and the fact that she's told you that you don't make her feel "special and sexy"

Could it be that someone else is paying attention to her and making her feel this way?

Don't ask her! Get the cell phone bill and look for a lot of texts/calls to one or two numbers. Is her cell phone with her all the time and password protected? Has she lost weight recently or dressing better? What about her make-up? Wearing it more?

Sorry but have to put this possibility out there!
 

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My 180 meant turning BACK to my husband.

The 180 is just doing the opposite of what you've been doing. Had I followed that list for the 180, I'd have completely killed my marriage. I just did the opposite behavior for ME and it worked well for me and him.
 

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The 180 isn't for her, it's for you.

Tell her, write her a letter, explaining that you are still very much committed to your marriage with her, that you love her, why you married her, own you sh!t and tell her you are open to marriage counselling, want to change for your relationship, but that it takes two so if she wants to work at it with you, you're game and if she wants out, that you will not stand in her way as you love her.



 

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I think it's the rare person that has the you know whats to have that conversation before they have someone else lined up. Take that for what it's worth. Either way she's thought long and hard about all this so is way ahead of you.

My position is you start working on you. Whether it be reconnecting in your social circle or family relationships, working on your health and fitness, participating in counselling or some combination thereof you need to get strong. It's possible that may attract her again, but if not, you'll be in a position to get your life back on track in a positive direction.
 

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Things hav happen fairly quickly(for me that is, probably too long for her:( long story tried to make short for the sake of looking for advice...got the "love you but not in love with you" talk couple weeks ago...she is actively looking for a place too move to...I know I can't make her stay and I know the more I try too be close too her to show her that I do and always have loved her, it's not what she needs.......I am coming around too the 180 plan but my question is if she is upset with me for not making her feel special and sexy, how do I manage to back away and give her room when that was the problem in the first place? The plan tells me to not say the I love you stuff, don't buy gifts, etc.....Will she not see this as me turning away from her?....I know that women want to see a strong man which I think I can pull off, but my heart is dying that I can't call or text to say that I love her....Help me please...I feel that no matter what I do it will be the wrong thing
You say she is "walking away" because you don't make her feel special & sexy.

Not enough info for me to give you advice.

Does she have another man that she is walking to?

Are you controlling, verbally abusive and/or have a bad temper?

Do you have children?
 

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got the "love you but not in love with you" talk couple weeks ago...she is actively looking for a place too move to...
95% of the time the person who says this is either emotionally involved with someone outside their marriage or at least has a specific person in mind to take up with. The remaining 5% are announcing that they have decided that they prefer aloneness to relationship. Either way, they are off the bus by their own choice and there is really not a lot you can do about it.

The 180 program gives a lot of benefits, not the least of which is it allows you to make the healthy choice to disconnect emotionally from someone who is not really there anyway. When you are able to see things more clearly, and this can take some time, you will be in a much better position to deal with the situation at hand
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks for all the replies..any info is Huge help @ this point...going to add alot of info to this post in hopes that some confusion can be cleared..from the beginning..dated three yrs..married @ 26..first daughter 2yrs later(post partum for a couple months cuz I started a job 90 mins there and 90 mins back)..second daughter 2yrs later..moved to farm and new house..son born couple yrs later...still workn the job and also in business with brother on the farm...she grew up on a farm herself but don't think ever really liked it when little..said wanted to stay on this farm to raise the kids, like to open air compared to bustle of the city...after son was around 3yrs old, took a job instructing color classes which lead to lots of traveling around the country..I thought it was great as it gave her some self confidence and gave her a break from the mommy duties for a bit..did'nt pay much but did give her the break I was think'n she needed...around the time she started the job, she devleoped a gluten intolerance as well as a bladder issue called intestinal cystis(breakdown of the bladder linng that causes bad pain)..It wouln't affect her during sex but it sure would for a number of days after lasting for as long a 2 wks..I knew this was not good for her and was supportive in saying that if intercourse was'nt good for her then we should explore other ways of being intimate..she was not happy with her body and it letting her down..this caused a few issues as I was not very romantic, my romantic gestures were not very genuine as I knew that sex was going to be out of the question.........OH NO!!!.....how can I have been so stupid!!!!!........she only needed me to hold her and make her feel safe.......how did I not see this.....as I'm typing it, things make sense...........I didn't see that she needed to know that she was still a beauitful woman who is desireable even though she did'nt feel that way to herself!...................she shutdown emotionally and now wants to leave cuz I didn't see this..........................I have to get her to understand that I understand now...............but she is so deadset on getting out she has me convinced that we need to tell the kids tomorrow nite of the pending separation...........think I screwed up bad......thought I was being a good husband now realized that I may have let things die.......I continued with work and came home, asked her how her day was but never gave what she needed...............now I really feel hopeless.........
 

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Other posters are pointing out that there is most likely another guy in the picture. Did you check her phone? Does she keep a password on it? Have you checked her email? Just because she won't endure post-coital pain for you doesn't mean she won't do it for sex with someone else. Do not pay for her new place. Do not support her moving out in any way. Start investigating and find out who she's adulterating with.

Separations are always about letting the woman explore her new relationship to decide whether or not she wants to make a change. THWT. Start snooping now.
 

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Things hav happen fairly quickly(for me that is, probably too long for her:( long story tried to make short for the sake of looking for advice...got the "love you but not in love with you" talk couple weeks ago...she is actively looking for a place too move to...I know I can't make her stay and I know the more I try too be close too her to show her that I do and always have loved her, it's not what she needs.......I am coming around too the 180 plan but my question is if she is upset with me for not making her feel special and sexy, how do I manage to back away and give her room when that was the problem in the first place? The plan tells me to not say the I love you stuff, don't buy gifts, etc.....Will she not see this as me turning away from her?....I know that women want to see a strong man which I think I can pull off, but my heart is dying that I can't call or text to say that I love her....Help me please...I feel that no matter what I do it will be the wrong thing
Get the book "Surviving and Affair".. yes you did not mention an affair. But the book has good advice on exactly what you are talking about....

You need to remind her of how wonderful you are to show that you are willing to make changes. The book talks about Plan A. Also go to the Marriage Builder's web site and read up on Plan A.

Their Plan B is like the 180. You only go into the 180/Plan B when you think your love for your spouse has about run out because their walking (having a lover or not). You do it then so that you can protect yourself.

In Plan A you do some of the things in the 180. For example avoid trying to talk about all the emotional stuff for a while. You can and should say "I Love You", can/should do nice thems for them, an occassional gift, etc.

DO a plan A for 2 -8 weeks. YOu will know when to stop if she does not start to come back into the relationship and your head is about to explode from the emotional turmoil.

The one thing about Plan A is that you have to work on yourself, to become a better person and husband. For example you have become more attentive of her. But it cannot be artificial. You have to really change because the first thing she will think is that you are just playing her and will go back to your old ways as soon as she decides to stay. So the change has to be real and premanent.
 

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So go up to her... behind her... wrap your arms around her & nuzzle the back of her neck... and TELL her.. you don't want to let her go.
Tell her, you want to craddle her & love her & just hold her like there is no tomorrow. Can she please give you another chance to show how much it means to have her in your arms.. etc, etc.
 

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So go up to her... behind her... wrap your arms around her & nuzzle the back of her neck... and TELL her.. you don't want to let her go.
Tell her, you want to craddle her & love her & just hold her like there is no tomorrow. Can she please give you another chance to show how much it means to have her in your arms.. etc, etc.
Such a grey area with this and risky.
Generally speaking is this, in my opinion:

- If you've been a pr!ck, then YES
- If you've been too clingy, then a definite NO (don't be a schmuck)

If she's already seeing somebody else, you have to find out now! Obviously, only then can you decide on the right course of action for how you respond to her.
 

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He just admitted in his last post to being a pr!ck & not seeing her emotional needs while she was going thru physical medical problems.

.. I was suggesting a way to completely show the opposite. & try to get the message across to her that he means business.
 

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So sorry you are going through this, heads up for a bumpy ride.

I'm going to ask a tough question.

It's very insightful that you are starting to realise just what she wanted, and was not getting.

But honestly... was she meeting your relationship needs?
She does have some medical issues that make intimacy difficult.
Did that cause you any resentment? Is that why you stopped showing other kinds of affection and withdrew?

Even if she changes her mind, forgives you, and decides to stay, are you going to be happy with little to no sex, long commutes, all other issues?
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
thanks again for all the replies....learning that we were probably talking a different love lanuage to each other....she admitted that she has high needs and with that needs constant reassurement of what my commitmant to her is..I was in the mood of doing acts of service and that was not what she was needing....her health issues were always priority for me...to clarify ....I was not a prick to her ever...always supportive but quess was focusing on how to fix the problem of the health issue and will admitt I let the intamacy slide..no excuses implied or offered on that...It was my shortfall and I am admitting it......

Next question if I could.....I did find a text message from one of her guy friends that had said he loves her...Emothional affair at this time....came across it by chance as she seems to be deleting all her texts but this one he sent in the middle of the night...2 am!!...I get up @ 4am .........do I confront her head with this........even though I have asked b4 if there was anyone else in picture and she reassured me there wasn't....but now I know different......she hasn't given me anything to say she even wants to work on things at this point.......I have his number(managed to collect that)....was going to call him and let it be known that I know now.....good idea or should i just let things play out for a bit...little bit like hunting....waiting in the bush for the big one!....also could be this guy who is trying to make milage for himself...don't want to lose trust in her till i'm sure of situation....this is SOOO out of character for her.....thks for all replies
 

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Actually I think you may want some more hard evidence

Get a key logger on the PC and put a VAR in her car

Also get copies of her cell phone records and look for a lot of texts and calls to one or two numbers
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Go to the Coping With Infidelity forum, read for an hour or so, and then take action. Find hard evidence (shouldn't take long), file for D, and expose far and wide. It's your only shot. I've BTDT, and still failed to save my marriage. Your odds are low at this point, IMO.
 

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OMGosh.. I could have sworn I read all your other posts correctly.. but. this last one floored me.

Geesh.. I don't think I'd want to be in her shoes when you confront her. 'Cuz you should be mad as H E L L
 
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