[SimplyAmorous]

Trenton put this link on here about a year ago- It is one I never forgot, I found its lessons profound.

Brene Brown: The Power of vulnerability

(this is 20 min of listening)

No woman has studied the subject of Connection / Shame / Vulnerability more than Brene Brown. She originally set out to prove "Vulnerability" is nothing but WEAKNESS - betrayal even! Her aim was to trample it . What she came to learn was such a struggle for her, this Therapist had to see a Therapist! :scratchhead:

"Connection is why we are here -it gives purpose & meaning to our lives".

"Shame = Disconnected -feeling we are not worthy of connection"

With the thousands of stories pouring in to her in her research spanning 10 yrs, she decided to separate the "Whole Hearted" to the "Broken" still struggling with "connection" in Love & Relationships, and the undeniable truth was.....allowing oneself to be vulnerable is a STRENGTH, what separated the 2 was simply ...."they BELIEVED they are worthy of connection, a strong sense of belonging", this allowed them to be more vulnerable before others.

But so often we FEAR putting ourselves out there, can not bear the risk of HURT, we try to NUMB our emotions -but we can't numb our emotions, so many turn to addictions (drinking, over eating, etc). This is not our answer.



I looked at my own marriage....with us, I believe I have always been emotionally vulnerable with my husband, ever since I got past my initial shyness to even kiss him after we met, I've just never held back with him at all (emotionally)... I would cry on his shoulder, call him about anything & everything, bear my

in all things, he has seen me at my worst, and somehow he made that easy for me, he NEVER really hurt me, accepted Me for ME from day 1.... I felt that strongly- so maybe NOT much RISK there for me, he always built me up...has been my #1 Fan.

We talked about this last night, after explaining what Vulnerability IS (the state of being vulnerable or exposed - susceptibility to injury or attack) ..... he admitted he was never "totally" vulnerable with me our entire marriage - he hid himself, his deep feelings, he feared my rejection, my reactions. And this is so sad - as it is a reflection of how I failed him, not giving as much as he gave. It still was HIS choice to hold back, it can not all fall on me, but still I could have done better.

But he is NOW (very much so- some of the things he has said to me in the past few yrs, I don't think many men would speak out loud). I asked him when this started (which I already know but wanted to hear his response) - in his words ...."when you became EASY". I had to :rofl: at that ! But how true it was....when I started showing my sheer burdenous NEED for him sexually, it just OPENED him up like a delicate flower

.... in ways I never knew.... a side of him emotionally that I have been missing all of these years. What a delight! He needed that from me -which was even a step up in MY vulnerability with him, feeling like I was some kind of a "burden"... I beared it all.... even in tears at times.

Many lessons learned here...for us, and all before I ever laid eyes on this clip.



*** Brene learned this is how the "Whole hearted" live:

1. Courage to be IMPERFECT
2. Compassion to be kind to ourselves 1st
3. Connection - as a result of Authenticity- the people let go of who they thought they should be -In order to BE who they are
4. Fully embraced Vulnerability- that what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful.

She Ended with this... "Let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen, love with our whole hearts, even if no guarantee, Practice gratitude ...."can I love you THIS much"- "I'm just so Grateful" - and Believe we are "enough".


How has Vulnerabilty played out in YOUR life, relationships, even friendships, Love, Connection. Please share your stories.

 

[heartsbeating]

"they BELIEVED they are worthy of connection, a strong sense of belonging", this allowed them to be more vulnerable before others.

He needed that from me -which was even a step up in MY vulnerability with him, feeling like I was some kind of a burden, I bared it all, even in tears at times.

SA ~ thank you, another great post!!

This post hits home with me. I discovered part of the reason my H was closing-off from me sexually was due to this defense mechanism of not allowing himself to be completely vulnerable. He did not feel worthy of all of my love. I was on a pedestal. This defense was also cloaked in some passive aggressive behavior too - which comes back to the same point that he didn't feel worthy. He might have unknowingly held onto a thought that I hadn't done something for him (which I would have been clueless about), and instead of expressing it to me or thinking it through as to why it bothered him/letting it go, he internalized it and somewhere inside he doubted my love = him not feeling worthy. Does that make sense?

They're behaviors he's learned through childhood. Now that we know what's going on, we can start breaking down these walls together. Like you, I felt that I might have failed him in some ways of not taking a closer look at what was going on to help him realize that he could be vulnerable with me, instead of having certain patterns that developed between us.

It's all learning though. I'm more aware of my own behavior now, I'm more aware of him. We're changing together. I am seeing big differences in him because of this - particularly sexually :smthumbup:

The first time I went out with a new friend, she was in tears over her relationship. She apologized and told me she hated that I was seeing her this way because she wanted me to see her as someone strong. I replied there's strength in being real and being vulnerable and I was honored that I could be there for her as a friend. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is a strength.

 

[AFEH]

I think I’ve always been vulnerable, sometimes too vulnerable, too open. But I prefer it that way than to being too closed, untouchable, unreachable. I think part of vulnerability is to be empathetic and compassionate. I see this in my elder son as well, his empathy and compassion. It makes him very vulnerable, and easy to be taken advantage of by wrong minded people. I’m always willing to take a chance on people.

But as far as my stbxw is concerned I am no longer vulnerable. I’ve got a bunker mentality about her, so much so that she can no longer get inside of me no matter what or how hard she tries. It’s a pity but that’s the way it is. Never again will I be vulnerable to her.

 

[that_girl]

In order to embrace my issues of fear, jealousy, anxiety and panic, I had to become completely vulnerable with myself. No excuses, no blame, no BS.

This in turn is teaching me to love myself, to know my own self-worth and the amazing thing is now I can be completely vulnerable with my husband.

To spin off of that, because my vulnerability is so pure and honest, HE is now being vulnerable with me.

I now believe completely that the cycle of Love starts within yourself.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

This post hits home with me. I discovered part of the reason my H was closing-off from me sexually was due to this defense mechanism of not allowing himself to be completely vulnerable. He did not feel worthy of all of my love. I was on a pedestal. This defense was also cloaked in some passive aggressive behavior too - which comes back to the same point that he didn't feel worthy. He might have unknowingly held onto a thought that I hadn't done something for him (which I would have been clueless about), and instead of expressing it to me or thinking it through as to why it bothered him/letting it go, he internalized it and somewhere inside he doubted my love = him not feeling worthy. Does that make sense?

Tremendous sense! You described this scenerio beautifully. I am sure our husbands are not unique in this either. Countless loving husbands across this world internalize, they do not want to come off as weak, they have been taught this as young boys. OUR role as nurturers should extend to our husbands , pulling these things out of them if we have too. I know this NOW -especially after learning about my husbands specific temperment.

But it is so easy to miss this in marraige when things are stressed, busy busy busy. I am always harping on SEX , but I can't help it, as it was our healing balm ya know (more of it ), And with many men this IS how they FEEL LOVED and valued - it speaks "worthiness" to their souls.

My husband told me he always FELT he loved me more than I loved him. Was this true- absolutely NOT. I did take him for granted, yes I am guilty, having 5 kids in 9 yrs was a bit of a drain. Had anything happened to him during that time, I would have never forgiven myself. Sometimes we get too busy to smell the roses in our own back yard. We are all learning, thank God for forgiveness and this thing "vulnerabilty" in expressing that even.

It's all learning though. I'm more aware of my own behavior now, I'm more aware of him. We're changing together. I am seeing big differences in him because of this - particularly sexually :smthumbup:

We are 2 REFORMED wives Heartsbreaking!

The first time I went out with a new friend, she was in tears over her relationship. She apologized and told me she hated that I was seeing her this way because she wanted me to see her as someone strong. I replied there's strength in being real and being vulnerable and I was honored that I could be there for her as a friend. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is a strength.

And your response was one of a true friend, inviting, accepting and reassuring that she IS valued, she will hold YOU dear in her heart.

 

[heartsbeating]

Thank you SA ~ your response has me smiling

I'm sure there will be other things along the path that will give more opportunity for growth and learning. It's not always easy, especially when dealing with our own ego, but if we can allow ourselves to be vulnerable - with ourselves first of all - it can be an amazing experience. A more honest experience.

 

[Acorn]

SA - thank you so much for this post and link. I feel like I've been searching for answers for so long and this spoke to so many of them. This has me thinking about my situation a lot - I may post a new related thread later so as not to derail this... but in the meantime, thank you.

 

[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

I am vulnerable but I also have a solid power base so I can afford to be vulnerable and celebrate that I am. I wouldn't not want to be vulnerable as that is the center that allows you the luxury of trust, when you can find it, which is the basis of intimacy. Vulernability is not a bad thing, it is actually something quite precious that individuals should strive to protect at all costs.
When you honor the vulnerability in yourself and protect it, it gives you the ability to honor the vulnerabilities in others. That is what makes a human, something other than a biological entity.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

I think I’ve always been vulnerable, sometimes too vulnerable, too open. But I prefer it that way than to being too closed, untouchable, unreachable.

Me included. Women have hurt ME much more in my life than men. And even today, friendships with woman , or cultivating them with honesty -has caused me some grief. But the ones I do have are treasures.

I had a big Birthday Party at my house, some of the Moms from my church were there, we've been friends but not close close friends, they always come to my parties, we were laughing , carrying on, even getting a little loud, talking about our faults, our sins (I tend to say too much here- You'd think I enjoy judgement ?!!) talking about it ALL, I got a little carried away "just being ME" - putting thy FOOT in thy mouth. But you know , it was my house & I was just being MYSELF, I never once put any of them down.

After they left I felt we had a great time, umteen kids , no accidents, we ate good & partied with much laughter. Then a few hours later, one of them sent me a FB message retracting some of the things she said & wanted me to "understand some things". Judgement on my character was written all over that -she was trying to be subtle, even a little apologetic -but it was there -it was a spit in my face. WOW. While she sat at my house on my porch laughing with me a few hours earlier. Yeah, HURT, deflation, I cried. Bothered me more than I care to admit -for a few days. I questioned my parenting. Even felt a little sick.

But still I welcome it. I would rather FEEL. As excruciating as these things are - I don't want to change, I like who I am, and where I have come from, even if others do not.

This world is FULL of beautiful people, if a few don't like me FOR ME (instead of acting like a cardboard copy of them) -whose loss is it really? I have no desire to be camouflage with people. While many struggle to be themselves, I struggle to reign myself in.

I think this woman felt guilty after leaving about her own behavior before the rest of us & didn't want me to get the wrong idea, & wanted to push that on me somehow, I don't know. I took it humbly, I didn't defend. But I did cry on my husbands shoulder , he says to me "What do you expect, they are stuffy christians!" , gotta love that man.

But I ain't gotta love those who are plastic. I learned who is REAL that night. I did not feel her heart in her words, her righteousness over me. But I felt my own for days.

Give me my imperfect friends any freaking day - please!

I think part of vulnerability is to be empathetic and compassionate. I see this in my elder son as well, his empathy and compassion. It makes him very vulnerable, and easy to be taken advantage of by wrong minded people. I’m always willing to take a chance on people.

I think we should take a chance on people if we like them - at least once or twice, but after being roasted a time or 2, tossed aside, it is best to put up a fence. Personally, I still remain in contact, I just modify who I am with them as I need to play by their rules knowing they more apprecaite the outward cup of goodness.

It hurts when you feel someone judges you -no matter what the judgement, sometimes we deserve it, sometimes not. That is for us to muddle through. She felt her parenting abilities were superior, her morals (they were home schooling Moms after all , so the bar is HIGH). If we compared our children, one thing I have going is --mine shine in respect & are well loved at the Church by adults as well as the kids. Her oldest is good friends with my 2 oldest too. I think she would have reduced me to sludge if that were not the case.

I talked to my older boys about this, I asked them-- would they want me to be like those MOMs...leave it to them to save my day- THEY brought the biggest smiles to my face with 2 of them giving a very SOUR look of ''NNooooooo". One of them said "Never, that would be awful, we couldn't do nothing!". I may have my faults, but they are HAPPY I am the way I am -and give them freedom these other parents feel is sinful somehow, like they have to live in a bubble & be protected. I am blessed they do not abuse the freedom I allow but use it wisely.

But as far as my stbxw is concerned I am no longer vulnerable. I’ve got a bunker mentality about her, so much so that she can no longer get inside of me no matter what or how hard she tries. It’s a pity but that’s the way it is. Never again will I be vulnerable to her.

I've heard your story, and I believe most would be where you are -under such circumstances.

It is still so healthy you can BE this with others. I think too many can not separate, so they fall into shutting EVERYONE out, you have learned NOT to do this.

I will not shut others out either because of these silly tiffs and judgements that I am met with along the way. The risks are so worth it when you open yourself up.

 

[greenpearl]

1. Courage to be IMPERFECT
2. Compassion to be kind to ourselves 1st
3. Connection - as a result of Authenticity- the people let go of who they thought they should be -In order to BE who they are
4. Fully embraced Vulnerability- that what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful.

I used to strive to be the best. No matter what I did, I wanted to be the best. It gave me a lot of pressure. And Now I knew it was foolish of me to have that kind of thinking. We just can't be the best. We can be good. No human being is perfect, life can never be perfect, nothing is perfect. We have to have the understanding that imperfection is normal and acceptable. If people can't tolerate imperfection, they bring stress on themselves. So accept that we are not perfect, also accept that people we live together are not perfect, accept that life is not perfect. Understand ourselves, understand others, and understand life.

We love ourselves for we are, it doesn't mean that we become arrogant and condescending, it means that we forgive us for the mistakes we made in life. The person who never made any mistakes in his life doesn't exist. Learn our lesson, and be more positive about our future. Don't dwell on our mistakes and imperfection, it is wasting time, in my opinion.

Very often people are disappointed about their life, because their life didn't turn out to be the way they wanted and expected. But who has control over that? And very often we don't understand ourselves very well, we want something which is beyond our reach. Why not just take what we have and be happy with what we have?

Even the greatest and strongest people in the world have vulnerable moments and weaknesses, whoever can discover that wins that person's heart or have that person in control. A person who thinks he is undefeatable is only fooling himself.

 

[greenpearl]

A few months ago, my father-in-law was sick, but he didn't tell his wife. He was in pain, he went to the doctor by himself, he didn't say anything until it became very serious.

My mother-in-law was hurt, she felt sad that her husband didn't turn to her for support and help.

My husband and I just felt that they don't have a very good relationship. Because in a sweet relationship, we are the first one for our spouses to seek encouragement and support when they need it.

My husband never tries to be a tough man. He doesn't have many people he can trust. I am glad that I am the one he confides his deep inner thoughts and vulnerability. I am usually there to comfort him, encourage him, and support him. Sometimes I even guide him! I point out the direction when he is lost. I fully know my own vulnerabilities, when I am hurt and need a good cry, my husband is the only who I can find comfort from, and he is always there for me, comfort me with his wise words and hold me with his affectionate arms.

 

[Therealbrighteyes]

I used to strive to be the best. No matter what I did, I wanted to be the best. It gave me a lot of pressure. And Now I knew it was foolish of me to have that kind of thinking. We just can't be the best. We can be good. No human being is perfect, life can never be perfect, nothing is perfect. We have to have the understanding that imperfection is normal and acceptable. If people can't tolerate imperfection, they bring stress on themselves. So accept that we are not perfect, also accept that people we live together are not perfect, accept that life is not perfect. Understand ourselves, understand others, and understand life.

We love ourselves for we are, it doesn't mean that we become arrogant and condescending, it means that we forgive us for the mistakes we made in life. The person who never made any mistakes in his life doesn't exist. Learn our lesson, and be more positive about our future. Don't dwell on our mistakes and imperfection, it is wasting time, in my opinion.

Very often people are disappointed about their life, because their life didn't turn out to be the way they wanted and expected. But who has control over that? And very often we don't understand ourselves very well, we want something which is beyond our reach. Why not just take what we have and be happy with what we have?

Even the greatest and strongest people in the world have vulnerable moments and weaknesses, whoever can discover that wins that person's heart or have that person in control. A person who thinks he is undefeatable is only fooling himself.

Your post brought tears to my eyes.
I grew up in a house where imperfection wasn't tolerated. We were beaten for messing up, literally beaten with belts. I have spent my entire life trying to be "perfect" to everyone else, to the detriment of myself. In real life, I am not this tough girl. I never stand up for myself, other peoples opinions matter more than my own, I am too scared to say anything when confronted for fear that the other person will not like/approve of me.
The day I got married as my father is walking me down the aisle he whispered in my ear "Don't screw this up or nobody else will want you". Every fiber in my body was telling me to tell him to go to hell and walk down the aisle by myself but I didn't, I just smiled. My husband said I was "beaming" and had no idea that what I was really doing was smiling so I didn't break down and cry.
When our second son was born, he spent weeks on life support due to breathing problems. After we got the clearance from the hospital, we flew to our hometown with a portable ventilator to have him baptized in the church we both were baptized in, met in and married in. After the ceremony, my father had the reception at his house. He pulled me aside and said "When are you going to make something of yourself? Woman have babies every single day, it doesn't make you special". He also told me to loose weight as the "only" thing going for me was my looks. There I was 8 weeks after giving birth and a son who nearly died and hearing his words crushed my hope of ever having a decent relationship with him. That was the last time I ever spoke to him or saw him.
My father died in February of this year and I didn't go to the funeral. I cried plenty over his death though. I always hoped he would hang on long enough for him to see me "make something" of myself.

In reading your post, I realize I already had, he just chose not to see it.

Thank you from the bottom, middle and top of my heart for writing what you did. You have NO idea how much your words mean to me.

 

[greenpearl]

Your post brought tears to my eyes.
I grew up in a house where imperfection wasn't tolerated. We were beaten for messing up, literally beaten with belts. I have spent my entire life trying to be "perfect" to everyone else, to the detriment of myself. In real life, I am not this tough girl. I never stand up for myself, other peoples opinions matter more than my own, I am too scared to say anything when confronted for fear that the other person will not like/approve of me.
The day I got married as my father is walking me down the aisle he whispered in my ear "Don't screw this up or nobody else will want you". Every fiber in my body was telling me to tell him to go to hell and walk down the aisle by myself but I didn't, I just smiled. My husband said I was "beaming" and had no idea that what I was really doing was smiling so I didn't break down and cry.
When our second son was born, he spent weeks on life support due to breathing problems. After we got the clearance from the hospital, we flew to our hometown with a portable ventilator to have him baptized in the church we both were baptized in, met in and married in. After the ceremony, my father had the reception at his house. He pulled me aside and said "When are you going to make something of yourself? Woman have babies every single day, it doesn't make you special". He also told me to loose weight as the "only" thing going for me was my looks. There I was 8 weeks after giving birth and a son who nearly died and hearing his words crushed my hope of ever having a decent relationship with him. That was the last time I ever spoke to him or saw him.
My father died in February of this year and I didn't go to the funeral. I cried plenty over his death though. I always hoped he would hang on long enough for him to see me "make something" of myself.

In reading your post, I realize I already had, he just chose not to see it.

Thank you from the bottom, middle and top of my heart for writing what you did. You have NO idea how much your words mean to me.

I used to be the same!

Then one day I realized that I was living for others, I wasn't living for myself. It was very tiring and stressful. (For example, I used to go to witnesses' meetings just so my mother-in-law and other people in the hall were happy with me!)

We can never meet other people's expectation, because their expectation is theirs, not ours(very often we can't even meet our own expectation). We can never please everybody in our life in all the areas, we are bound to disappoint them sometimes, it is just life.

I learned not to expect compliments from people(their compliments and opinion control what we do and think), I learned to stay away from people who hurt me, I learned to live for myself! Now I am much relaxed!

Now I just make sure that I am responsible for my life and my own conduct! I make sure that I am conscience clear! I make sure that I don't hurt others intentionally! Other people are pleased with me or not, it is really not my concern now!

Your father didn't know how much he had hurt you! My father doesn't know how much he hurt me either! In order for me to live a happier life, I force myself to think the good things he did for me instead of the hurtful words he said to me! It does help!

 

[Therealbrighteyes]

I used to be the same!

Then one day I realized that I was living for others, I wasn't living for myself. It was very tiring and stressful. (For example, I used to go to witnesses' meetings just so my mother-in-law and other people in the hall were happy with me!)

We can never meet other people's expectation, because their expectation is theirs, not ours(very often we can't even meet our own expectation). We can never please everybody in our life in all the areas, we are bound to disappoint them sometimes, it is just life.

I learned not to expect compliments from people(their compliments and opinion control what we do and think), I learned to stay away from people who hurt me, I learned to live for myself! Now I am much relaxed!

Now I just make sure that I am responsible for my life and my own conduct! I make sure that I am conscience clear! I make sure that I don't hurt others intentionally! Other people are pleased with me or not, it is really not my concern now!

Your father didn't know how much he had hurt you! My father doesn't know how much he hurt me either! In order for me to live a happier life, I force myself to think the good things he did for me instead of the hurtful words he said to me! It does help!

I would love to be as positive as you. The truth is my father knew exactly how much his words would hurt. We are adopted and he never wanted children. He used to tell us that we were worthless and that is why my biological mother "threw us away". Cruel and sadistic that man was.
The GREATEST smile I have ever had on my face was when my son, age 16 at the time took an interest in my father's work as a Physicist. He wrote a paper that was published dispelling the theory my father used for many publications he wrote. My father had a PhD in Physics and Chemistry. Son? A high school kid with a brain. He got a scholarship to an Ivy league university largely based on the paper he wrote. He will start in three weeks and is majoring in Engineering and Physics. I couldn't be more proud.
I did hear through the grapevine though that my father was angry beyond belief. Full on rage. Why? An egomaniac with 50 years experience got shown up by a teenager. MY son, you know...the daughter who didn't make anything of herself. :rofl:

 

[SimplyAmorous]

Oh these stories - you are all making me cry. BrightEyes, about walking down the isle, I don't know how you did it !! I don't think I could have done it. I would have punched the Mother F*** issed: (Yeah easy to say I know) or balled all the way through the ceremony -with such a comment. That would have destroyed my wedding day. I would have had to DO something- let off some steam.

What was wrong with him, seriously, he had to have had some atrocious things happen in his own life to Treat others like this. There is no way he could have been "normal" or loving to others in his life & just focused all his VILE on his adopted children - your mother must have suffered greatly also.

Listen to this song >> ‪P!nk - Perfect‬‏ - YouTube (warning -Graphic in mid song)

This is like a PEA in comparison.....my best friend threw a Baby Shower for me when I had my daughter (EVERYONE knew this was the desire of my heart after so many boys), she happened to make a funny comment about me getting pregnant again -can't remember her words & my Mother in Laws reaction was "oh NO, that is just TOO hard on the family". Which as I sat there & opened all of my presents, so thankful all of these people came, all I kept thinking was ..... My family thinks all my kids are a "burden", I was on the verge of tears some of those moments.

And the truth was, we never asked anything of any of them, not even babysitting (my friends were my helpers-always). And the sister in law, she would always make remarks about having too many kids to buy for. Honestly I couldn't blame them, and ALWAYS told them we don't expect anything, please don't buy. PLEASE!! I am not one to not saying anything when I am disturbed. We saved well, my kids were not hurting for anything. I got sick of these "slights" & nothing I said to their face was helping so what I did was ....

Sent them all a "personal written letter" Thanking them for all their presents over the years, what Christmas is REALLY about, FAMILY , not gifts -and if I was one of them, I wouldn't want to buy for us either! And to please not buy anymore but if you insist (as I can not stop them), make it very small --playdough, bag or candy, $1 stuff, whatever, my kids are NOT spoiled & they will still love it, appreciate it. The point - We do NOT expect, nor will we ever, getting together is all that matters.

Ya know - I gave each family member a copy of that, and still they bought for my kids, still asking me every darn year what they want, didn't listen to a word of it - BUT never "whined" again- in our presence anyway.

It is hard to know how to handle people & their words sometimes, their slights truly DO reflect something going on within. There always has to be some REACTION to hurtful bahavior, some "PRICE" will be paid.

When I left at 18 yrs old, my Step Mother told me "when you leave, you are never to come back" (funny how we remember all the HARD words). She was a strict discliplinarian you just did not cross, even at work, she was a force to be reckoned with. Once I was grounded for an entire month no phone, no friends, maybe not even TV, can't remember. When I met my boyfriend & fessed up to seeing him behind her back, she took me out of that school, she was TOUGH! So much for honesty!

She would put notes in the fridge, things that I was not allowed to eat, I didn't get lunch $$ half the time. I remember writing on the wall in my bedroom how much I hated her. I was not treated lovingly by any means. She didn't even want her own kids but poor me got to live with her after my Mom took off.

Funny today her own kids have NOTHING to do with her, but I am still there. We accually get along really good, my kids love her, we laugh for hours when we get together. I overcame the hurt she gave me growing up- I knew it wasn't my fault. (this helps). I knew I was not wanted there (she wanted my dad to herself), but I was a damn good kid, for the most part - she knows it. She'll even tells people today "________ had to live with me , she is the one who had it ROUGH! ". It is good to hear her admit that. My friends were my life back then, I used them to bi*** about my step mom, helped me deal with the situation, gotta have some outlet. :rant: One of my girlfriends & me, that is what we had in common- she hated her adopted Mom and I hated my step Mom! We are still friends today. I will admit I would have rather had my step mother over her righteous religious "nothing was good enough" adopted Mom though -Much abuse there. Somehow she & her mom made peace too though-before she died.

I think it is good IF we CAN make Peace with these people, IF we can handle it. I have never cut anyone out of my life over behavior -YET. But I understand why people NEED to do this. Definitely. I have NEVER been hurt to those lengths.

‪Christina Aguilera - Beautiful‬‏ - YouTube

 

[greenpearl]

He used to tell us that we were worthless and that is why my biological mother "threw us away". Cruel and sadistic that man was.

Something was wrong with this man!

Now you have helped me understand you better!

The way you grew up was cruel.



YOUR SON IS WONDERFUL!

 

[SimplyAmorous]

Now you have helped me understand you better!

The way you grew up was cruel.



YOUR SON IS WONDERFUL!

I am sure she raised her son with love and acceptance from day one -vowing to NEVER give a hint of utterance to words like her dad gave her -which has given him a firm foundation & a great start in life. I think we can either learn from our parents mistakes & vow to NEVER treat our kids that way, we would kill ourselves 1st ...or we can fall into repeating them. All depends on what is important - once we mature and realize we are in charge of our own destiny, they were only a "stepping stone", they do NOT define us or who we will become.


Ya know this is one of the reasons I try to NOT get too offended by the way people act - because generally they got things they are dealing with that we have NO CLUE, and heck, if our life is going well, I can deal with some rudeness along the way by others. Usually it has NOTHING to even do with us. I think if you kill the rude people with kindness, always kinda loved this challenge - even if I had to pray like h*** to do it (and I have done this!!) , it can win them over -- eventually. Just hang in there, love 'em anyway .

My motto is -So long as someone is willing to talk to me, I can handle whatever they throw at me. But at the same time, I was never the doormat type, they'd have to put up with me too, even my not so fine moments.

As an innocent child, we are at the mercy of our upbringing, which so often is not fair - but once adults , we have more choices, I like this quote:

 

[Trenton]

SA, love that TED video. It's actually mind alteringly beautiful.

BrightEyes, it's funny because often times when we're abused by anyone (and it's any type of abuse) we learn what should have happened, why what did happen was wrong and we know what we should feel like or we should be like. How frustrating to have so much knowledge but not be sure if we can believe it or not have the emotional tools to implement it.

The positives are that you absolutely can at any point in your life transform those set of beliefs into new, healthy ones that free you. The negatives are that it won't be easy and no one else can do it for you.

I'm not there yet myself. In fact, I'm pissed at myself often for knowing and not doing. So we're pretty much in the same boat. My latest fall and the resulting issues have completely shaken my faith in myself and my mind. It is taking all the courage in the world for me to drive to Philadelphia for four days of training on Monday...something that I would have done with excitement and joy just 8 weeks ago. This reality is killing me but I found that. Not letting fear stop you is the first step. The courage to live really.

 

[greenpearl]

I am sure she raised her son with love and acceptance from day one -vowing to NEVER give a hint of utterance to words like her dad gave her -which has given him a firm foundation & a great start in life. I think we can either learn from our parents mistakes & vow to NEVER treat our kids that way, we would kill ourselves 1st ...or we can fall into repeating them. All depends on what is important - once we mature and realize we are in charge of our own destiny, they were only a "stepping stone", they do NOT define us or who we will become.


Ya know this is one of the reasons I try to NOT get too offended by the way people act - because generally they got things they are dealing with that we have NO CLUE, and heck, if our life is going well, I can deal with some rudeness along the way by others. Usually it has NOTHING to even do with us. I think if you kill the rude people with kindness, always kinda loved this challenge - even if I had to pray like h*** to do it (and I have done this!!) , it can win them over -- eventually. Just hang in there, love 'em anyway .

My motto is -So long as someone is willing to talk to me, I can handle whatever they throw at me. But at the same time, I was never the doormat type, they'd have to put up with me too, even my not so fine moments.

As an innocent child, we are at the mercy of our upbringing, which so often is not fair - but once adults , we have more choices, I like this quote:

Very often you hear that like father like son!

I think I am totally different from them now!

I know what kind of pain their personalities caused me, I sure don't want to repeat it myself. My son did have to endure a couple of years of my bad temper, but now it is all gone. Now he always sees a happy and loving mother!

 

[michzz]

Your post brought tears to my eyes.
I grew up in a house where imperfection wasn't tolerated. We were beaten for messing up, literally beaten with belts. I have spent my entire life trying to be "perfect" to everyone else, to the detriment of myself. In real life, I am not this tough girl. I never stand up for myself, other peoples opinions matter more than my own, I am too scared to say anything when confronted for fear that the other person will not like/approve of me.
The day I got married as my father is walking me down the aisle he whispered in my ear "Don't screw this up or nobody else will want you". Every fiber in my body was telling me to tell him to go to hell and walk down the aisle by myself but I didn't, I just smiled. My husband said I was "beaming" and had no idea that what I was really doing was smiling so I didn't break down and cry.
When our second son was born, he spent weeks on life support due to breathing problems. After we got the clearance from the hospital, we flew to our hometown with a portable ventilator to have him baptized in the church we both were baptized in, met in and married in. After the ceremony, my father had the reception at his house. He pulled me aside and said "When are you going to make something of yourself? Woman have babies every single day, it doesn't make you special". He also told me to loose weight as the "only" thing going for me was my looks. There I was 8 weeks after giving birth and a son who nearly died and hearing his words crushed my hope of ever having a decent relationship with him. That was the last time I ever spoke to him or saw him.
My father died in February of this year and I didn't go to the funeral. I cried plenty over his death though. I always hoped he would hang on long enough for him to see me "make something" of myself.

In reading your post, I realize I already had, he just chose not to see it.

Thank you from the bottom, middle and top of my heart for writing what you did. You have NO idea how much your words mean to me.

Your father was a deeply disturbed man. That you have survived that awful upbringing is a testament to your strength and resolve.

Something was broken within your father to be so filled with hatred that he would say vile things while walking you down the aisle.

You no longer have to even think of him, and definitely not live up to anything he wanted.

Your life is your path.