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Been together 10 years, married 5.
2 children. I'm 39, she's 32.

She will only ever sleep with me once every 3 weeks to a month. And even then it has to be before bed, with the purpose of getting me off, she even complains that I take too long.

She climaxes very quickly (she says), and then just wants me to finish. I don't think she is climaxing at all but fakes it, in fact I wonder now if I ever made her climax at all.

Also, she only finally relents and gives me this once a month/3 weekly "pity root" when she can see that I finally can't take it anymore, and am really getting irritable and aggravated to the point in interferes with my life. Only then when she has avoided it for as long as she is able, and with me on the point of breaking down at the lack of intimacy, does she "magically" rediscover her libido, and initiates (drags me) to bed.

I never initiate now, because after years of getting my hand pushed away, or my kisses shrugged off, it just hurts too much to be rejected, so I don't bother. And she seems fine with that.

When I try to talk about it, or have a virtual breakdown at feeling completely emasculated (after months of emotional neglect) after questioning myself (Am I a Man to her? What is wrong with me? Am I ugly but never realized it? Am I too short? Is my penis too small? Am I not doing enough?) she gets angry and says "I'm not twenty anymore, I'm not horny all the time!" She also has framed my periodic mini-breakdowns over this as me being "psycho", and I think now just conveniently writes it off as such, without ever stopping to really LISTEN to me.

What kills me really is the lack of intimacy, the sex is just part of that. It is like she is a blank wall, and no matter how hard I try I cannot understand her, or she won't LET me understand her or open up truly to me. I then get this gnawing fear that perhaps the fact she won't is that I am simply not her "type" deep down, and that with some tall, outgoing male she would instantly become a passionate woman unrecognizable to me.

Also, although not as bad lately as I blew up at her over this facet and has toned it down, she would seem ALWAYS angry with me, it got to the point I would dread coming home from work knowing how just, "pissed off" with me she would be. And for no discernible reason. Constantly.

She thought I didn't work hard enough, I started working harder, getting night work too, and weekend work. She said she was just tired from watching the kids, and doing chores, so I do the dishes now every night. Zero change. There's just a different excuse every time for her unhappiness.

No matter how hard I try, I have always done something wrong, somehow, in some way.

I get no answers, she just says "everything is fine, I'm happy, stop worrying OK!" or blows up and yells at me to stop being psycho, yet here I am, in this situation, and I don't know what to do to make her happy, and to re-connect with her. It is like she doesn't really respect me, and thinks she is making an effort just by being a "wife".

When I get no answers, and feel powerless, I start to break down and start obsessing and analyzing stuff that happened 10 years ago in a desperate attempt to get answers into her mind, or what the state of "Us" is...

I've never so much as looked at another girl while with her, I go out of my way to protect her self-esteem and her heart, I tell her she is beautiful and sexy very regularly, and mean it, but it is like my compliments mean nothing to her.

She has also done several small things that I just cannot get over because she just won't admit them, or won't explain or apologize or "come totally clean over" so it is like I can't get past them. And she now just thinks I am "psycho" when I bring it up, despite being small incidents, they COULD have become much worse had I not been vigilant, so these memories are like wounds that just can't heal, and cause me to resent her when I get this way and start dwelling on the past in this frustrated sexless isolation.

If any of you have managed to read this far, AM I being "psycho"?

Is once a month sex for ten minutes where she pretends to climax and complains that I take too long normal?

What can I do? She says everything is fine, but I feel like I am on a freeway with a blindfold on, and at any time some "other male" could seduce her with hardly any effort at all, just by telling her she is attractive and repeating her opinions back to her to make himself seem "just the same" as her. She says the kids make her tired, but I read of endless stories where mums with kids start energetic affairs, so the kids clearly don't get in the way of their energy & libido if they don't want them to.

Days like today, sitting here typing with this sick knot in my stomach, unable to eat or focus on work, I just feel like chucking it all in and walking. She makes me feel worthless, I get angry when I look in the mirror and think to myself "I can NOT be as worthless and ugly as she makes me feel, who the F**K does she think she is?"

I've suggested counselling several times, she usually is open but resistant to the idea, I think because she thinks only marriages about to divorce have counselling, though she has said she will do it to make me happy. My fear though is that the counsellor will simply take my wife's side just because she is a woman, and me being a man I must be a sex-crazed paranoid monster etc
 

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NO you are not psycho.

I could write a book in reply to your post, suffice to say that I understand where you are coming from. The emotional pain is horrendous.

Just swap the genders and my story is similar to yours but with the added burden of being the woman who's husband rejected her in this way. Also in my case sex was far less frequent than yours, it almost killed me. The lack of intimacy and connection can warp your mind so you need to know that you are not losing your mind or a psycho.

My ex kept telling me he loved me but one day it came to me like a lightning bolt, "if he truly loved me why did he not care enough to take action in order to fix this problem"?

TBH I don't think there is a long term fix for this problem with most couples. It takes 2 adults and in these cases it seems one of the adults is OK with just living like this forever so their needs are being met. To me that reads as they don't care or love their partner enough to ensure their happiness is a priority.

Read the forums here, the world is littered with people going through this. Someone here put me onto this site
Experience Project - Personal Stories about any Life Experience
which is also full of similar stories.

These 2 quotes from that site stick out for me....

They don't want you, they only want you around.
You can’t nurture a relationship when there’s zero intimacy.
You are not going to make your wife want you in this way, people will tell you to do more for her but you already are.
Now is the time to do some really hard thinking about your future.

As for me, I started to suffer health issues because my situation was so bad, chest pains, hair loss, weight gain etc but I stayed for the kids.
One day I woke up and could not take it anymore so I ended my marriage.
2.5 years later I am with a wonderful man, we are very compatible in so many ways. The sex is true love making, intimate, wild and passionate. We communicate, laugh and just enjoy life together.

I now know that it is OK to have a good, healthy sex life as one of the foundations of a good relationship. Before I felt like I was dirty and bad for wanting sex, he never understood it was intimacy and connection that I really wanted.

Do not waste your life, you are an important person, you have normal needs and desires and you deserve to be happy.
 

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Definitely not normal.

She says she is happy and stop worrying. So, let's take her at her word. Don't start doing more around the house, questioning her loyalty to you, or otherwise shaking things up (yet) unless there is more to it than you are telling here.

Instead, have a nice sit down. Tell her that you accept she is happy and you are pleased to be meeting her need. Clarify for her that you are not asking for sex because you doubt her love, need to be reassured, have self esteem issues, etc.

Instead, she needs to know that you simply have a need for more sex - likely much more - than she is providing. You need to be physically intimate with her several times a week and she needs to be there enthusiastically. Since she's not providing that, you are (in contrast to her) not happy.

Since she is happy, meeting your need cheerfully should not be a problem for her. I would cautiously expect that she will adjust her behavior to meet your need (although you will have to go through the process of determining how to meet your need in a way that works for her too).

However, it is possible that she will not be happy with that. IOW, her contentment might be precisely because you are only having sex one a month or so, and having more will turn her off in itself. If that is the case, you will have to decide to leave it alone, or press for more sex knowing that you are jeapordizing your relationship. If you find this latter approach necessary, you will have to tell her the relationship is in jeapordy, start the "cool off" and let her decide whether to meet your need or walk away.

Good luck on this!

ETA: Do this soon. I'm concerned that not being able to let the small things go is evidence that the lack of sex is damaging your relationship by allowing resentment to take hold. She needs to know that resentment is starting to fester and you want to resolve this issue before it turns from a potentially fixable sexual issue into "I can't stand the sight of you".
 

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Married man sex life and

"No more Mr. Nice guy."

read those books immediately

She lost attraction to you because you do all the stuff she asks for. You are her maid, not a lover.

And just in case :
Any chance there is someone else in the picture ? Does she show typical "signs of infidelity"(Google them up)
 

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My wife had/has many similar traits and our sex life was crap for years. Only lately after much aggravation has she begun to let some f the ice melt.

I began by trying some different things like buying new toys, 50 Shades book and that seemed to spark something in her. She began to admit that her LD is a problem tst needs to be addressed and I also bought her DHEA supplements Tory and boost her libido.

Are things perfect now? No, but they are incredibly better and we hve been getting along great. Sex does promote happiness in a marriage and once both parties come to te same conclusion, then things can begin to get better.
 

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You know sometimes reading a book or doing less around the house is not the solution. The OPs situation is not just less sex, it is far deeper than that. When you get to the point of second guessing your sanity or thinking you are psycho the the problem is so deep it becomes a health issue.

What can I do? She says everything is fine,
she is fine but what she is saying is that it just doesn't matter to her that he is not fine, he is not a priority to her.

I wonder how many sexless, non connected marriages really improve after reading all these books?
 

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I wonder how many sexless, non connected marriages really improve after reading all these books?
Mine did. We were doing it once every 5-6 weeks up to march of this year for the prior 10 years. This month (September) we did it 12 times. I read mmslp and also took advice on communication from this board, ignoring posters who seemed to suggest nicing or serving my way through.
 

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Mine did. We were doing it once every 5-6 weeks up to march of this year for the prior 10 years. This month (September) we did it 12 times. I read mmslp and also took advice on communication from this board, ignoring posters who seemed to suggest nicing or serving my way through.
Yes and that is wonderful, I real a lot of your posts and am glad your situation is good :)

But did you have such a bad situation to begin with? There are parts of the OP that just scream out to me that this is such a deep rooted situation that may not be all that fixable.

OK so what I am trying to work out or say is that if the basic situation is say 6/10 on the not so bad scale is it fixable but if it is 2/10 is it fixable?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
You know sometimes reading a book or doing less around the house is not the solution. The OPs situation is not just less sex, it is far deeper than that. When you get to the point of second guessing your sanity or thinking you are psycho the the problem is so deep it becomes a health issue.

she is fine but what she is saying is that it just doesn't matter to her that he is not fine, he is not a priority to her.

I wonder how many sexless, non connected marriages really improve after reading all these books?
Thank you all for the responses, I have so many more questions to ask, but can't type for long, I have my son to look after at the moment.

Yes Holland, this is affecting my health alot, I cannot describe the stress I feel, I cannot eat, have lost weight, cannot focus at work, I am sick with anxiety, my self-esteem has bled away to zero, I don't even feel like a Man anymore, my ability to enjoy anything is tainted. It may seem over-reacting, but this situation has ground on for years, and it is getting to the point I just don't have the strength to bear and just get along with life "like nothing is wrong" anymore. The rejection on every level from her is just eating me away inside out.

I talked with her again twice before, the first time she just sat silently, looking upset/sour, and it ended without her really saying a word. After she just sms'd me smalltalk about our son's school, and pretyt much tried to sweep it under the rug, as though "Oh, he's vented his steam and got his yelling out of his system, now we can just get on with it again"

So I tried again just before, and she STILL smirked at me when I said how sexless marriages were 10 times a year or less, and that that is what we were verging on. When I pushed the issue, and said "Look, even NOW you are laughing at me about this, even though I am falling apart in front of your eyes!" then she went silent, but she managed to get out of the argument when my son fell over so she had to run to him. So still I didn't get anywhere really.

One thing she said "I don't see how we (meaning our sexlife) has to go back to what it was before we had children"

She just refuses to acknowledge, in her heart, that there is a problem, that we have a problem, that NORMAL married couples out there ALSO dealing with children STILL find the time for each other and are intimate and connected.

She's watching me fall apart, a little more each time I have one of these "breakdown" episodes, and just doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong, and is puts up a wall even when I present her with facts and figures of what healthy normal marriages are like.

I love her, I really do, but I'm going to die an early death if this keeps on, it's eating away my mind and soul and manhood to nothing.
 

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Spurned,
I am very sorry about what you are going through and I do not think you are over-reacting at all. You are understandably in a desperate situation and need to look after your own needs right now. Are you getting any counseling for your own well-being. If you are not, I think you need to find yourself a counselor you feel comfortable talking to. I am not talking about marriage counseling. I doubt she would be a willing partner. But for now, you need a professional you can talk to. If you have health insurance, it will probably pay for this. If you don't, seeks out a church or other charitable organization that may be able to help or point you towards some help. Please respond to me - PM if you like. I am worried about you.
 

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Thank you all for the responses, I have so many more questions to ask, but can't type for long, I have my son to look after at the moment.

Yes Holland, this is affecting my health alot, I cannot describe the stress I feel, I cannot eat, have lost weight, cannot focus at work, I am sick with anxiety, my self-esteem has bled away to zero, I don't even feel like a Man anymore, my ability to enjoy anything is tainted. It may seem over-reacting, but this situation has ground on for years, and it is getting to the point I just don't have the strength to bear and just get along with life "like nothing is wrong" anymore. The rejection on every level from her is just eating me away inside out.

I talked with her again twice before, the first time she just sat silently, looking upset/sour, and it ended without her really saying a word. After she just sms'd me smalltalk about our son's school, and pretyt much tried to sweep it under the rug, as though "Oh, he's vented his steam and got his yelling out of his system, now we can just get on with it again"

So I tried again just before, and she STILL smirked at me when I said how sexless marriages were 10 times a year or less, and that that is what we were verging on. When I pushed the issue, and said "Look, even NOW you are laughing at me about this, even though I am falling apart in front of your eyes!" then she went silent, but she managed to get out of the argument when my son fell over so she had to run to him. So still I didn't get anywhere really.

One thing she said "I don't see how we (meaning our sexlife) has to go back to what it was before we had children"

She just refuses to acknowledge, in her heart, that there is a problem, that we have a problem, that NORMAL married couples out there ALSO dealing with children STILL find the time for each other and are intimate and connected.

She's watching me fall apart, a little more each time I have one of these "breakdown" episodes, and just doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong, and is puts up a wall even when I present her with facts and figures of what healthy normal marriages are like.

I love her, I really do, but I'm going to die an early death if this keeps on, it's eating away my mind and soul and manhood to nothing.
.....what makes you think she feels the same way about you? and why do you think she really cares if you die an early death or shrink away to nothing?? Maybe it hurts to confront the honest answers....but you know, in a good marriage those types of questions are not so tough to confront.
 

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Why are you allowing this woman to destroy you?

Please get yourself into counseling asap!

Once you get healthy which means not basing your entire worth & self-esteem on her treatment of you, you can address the sexless marriage issue.

Your children need a healthy Father.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Married man sex life and

"No more Mr. Nice guy."

read those books immediately

She lost attraction to you because you do all the stuff she asks for. You are her maid, not a lover.

And just in case :
Any chance there is someone else in the picture ? Does she show typical "signs of infidelity"(Google them up)
Please don't LOL, I know a lot of sad, oblivious males say this despite the fact their wife's cheating is practically on an industrial scale, but there is no other Man to the best of my knowledge. I have pretty good instincts, and infact my "gut" saved our relationship on two occasions.

#1, she got a new job, and became infatuated with her Boss. #2, she got a new job, and became infatuated with some young male. I caught wind both times VERY early, due to her behaviour, and accurately deduced both times who it was.

Though having said that, she may very well have learned over the past decade how intuitive I am, and I may merely have trained her to be even BETTER at concealing herself.

Those incidents are actually among the issues I dredge up to myself when having a "breakdown" like this. To this day, she will not say in plain english to my face "Yes, I lost my head, became infatuated with them, and started to hate you for no reason as a result, and I am sorry, ask me any questions you like to help clear your mind and heal"

Nope, all I ever got was vague admissions, excuses, rationalizations, etc. From reading this site all day, I can see it is the usual fare that straying wives and GF's dish out to the men they are betraying.

She also kissed some other man at a concert she was attending with her sister. Apparently "just a peck on the cheek" but to this day I think she was just admitting to enough to soothe her OWN conscience, and has never told me the full story. She only stopped when her own sister said to her "That is cheating".

I ask myself, how much further would it have gone had her sister not stepped in to burst the bubble/fog of her just going with the moment with this man who bought her a drink.

But anyway, I shall find those books and read them right away.

All the replies here are really helping, it is extremely calming to know that there are people out there in the world who will take the time to listen and support me, I don't feel as cornered, you are all really helping me, in my unfortunately extremely real predicament.

Back to the topic, I've spoken to her on and off throughout the day, and I *think* I may have ever so slightly penetrated her mental wall of steel. But even so, I have a suspicion that her "robot" mind will simply process my outbursts as;

"Male provider I am married to unhappy with sexual output and affection. Must pat male provider on the arm every 36 hours, and say "My. You. Are. So. Attractive. I. Can. Barely. Contain. Myself. Right. Now". Must also increase coitus frequency and employ new strategies to assure provider male that he is proficient at coitus".

And it will go on, without her ever really being able to love me enough to open up to me.

Also, the first BF she was obsessed with and destroyed over when he cheated on her and left her was a cliched "badboy" with the tattoos and motorbike, etc.

And the 2nd "flame" in her life that she fell head over heels in love with, and who just used her like a sexdoll then dumped her was, surprise surprise, a tattooed meat-head with a borderline retarded IQ.

And then she picked me, the introvert, to marry. It kills me to admit it to myself, but on the surface it just seems to me that she has a preference for "badboy" males who will treat her like crap, but settled on me as she realized she was all she had the currency to afford.

And there have been other sad incidents, like when we were crossing the road, the little man had turned green on the traffic lights, so were were hurrying to get across, but crossing the other way was a group of males, and one of them was obviously a model and very good looking. As they passed us in the middle of the road, she stopped, turned around, mumbling something incoherent like she was drunk about "Awwwww, I, umm, the shop back there, ummm, uhhhh" and started following him.

Right in front of my face, she was so taken with this attractive passing male that she physically had no control over herself and followed him like a zombie in a trance for about 50 metres. I was so stunned I said nothing, I couldn't believe what was going on, and was so beta I didn't know what to do.

She acted like I was a "psycho" when I brought it up the next day, but I ask myself if she, when stone cold sober and right next to me, can't control herself to that extent, who knows what she may have done behind my back. And how much can I truly mean to her.

And she has done that more than once.

Just typing all this out, I feel like an idiot, she has made it out all along as though I should feel lucky for being with her, when actually she should be thankful she found any male willing to stand by her at ALL..

I think I need to find my balls again.

I have two awesome, perfect kids, but in the name of all the Gods, I wish I had just kept walking that day in the beginning when we were supposed to be in our "honeymoon" period when she followed that male model bloke like a zombie in heat, and had never spoken to her again.
 
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Discussion Starter #14
Why are you allowing this woman to destroy you?

Please get yourself into counseling asap!

Once you get healthy which means not basing your entire worth & self-esteem on her treatment of you, you can address the sexless marriage issue.

Your children need a healthy Father.
Emerald, I don't know, I guess she has all the power. It is dawning on me just how sad a male I have become.

I just assumed you could trust and rely upon your spouse to cherish, protect and nurture your pride and self-esteem. It seems despite me thinking I was wise to everything, that I am actually to this day a naive sap.

You are right about extricating my self-worth from her holding, I have been a sad fool to think I could trust my wife to care about me and my feelings. After reading this forum all day, it has shocked me how women just seem to be able to casually destroy the men they allegedly love, and not feel any remorse or anything.
 
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Please don't LOL, I know a lot of sad, oblivious males say this despite the fact their wife's cheating is practically on an industrial scale, but there is no other Man to the best of my knowledge. I have pretty good instincts, and infact my "gut" saved our relationship on two occasions.

#1, she got a new job, and became infatuated with her Boss. #2, she got a new job, and became infatuated with some young male. I caught wind both times VERY early, due to her behaviour, and accurately deduced both times who it was.

Though having said that, she may very well have learned over the past decade how intuitive I am, and I may merely have trained her to be even BETTER at concealing herself.

Those incidents are actually among the issues I dredge up to myself when having a "breakdown" like this. To this day, she will not say in plain english to my face "Yes, I lost my head, became infatuated with them, and started to hate you for no reason as a result, and I am sorry, ask me any questions you like to help clear your mind and heal"

Nope, all I ever got was vague admissions, excuses, rationalizations, etc. From reading this site all day, I can see it is the usual fare that straying wives and GF's dish out to the men they are betraying.

She also kissed some other man at a concert she was attending with her sister. Apparently "just a peck on the cheek" but to this day I think she was just admitting to enough to soothe her OWN conscience, and has never told me the full story. She only stopped when her own sister said to her "That is cheating".

I ask myself, how much further would it have gone had her sister not stepped in to burst the bubble/fog of her just going with the moment with this man who bought her a drink.

But anyway, I shall find those books and read them right away.

All the replies here are really helping, it is extremely calming to know that there are people out there in the world who will take the time to listen and support me, I don't feel as cornered, you are all really helping me, in my unfortunately extremely real predicament.

Back to the topic, I've spoken to her on and off throughout the day, and I *think* I may have ever so slightly penetrated her mental wall of steel. But even so, I have a suspicion that her "robot" mind will simply process my outbursts as;

"Male provider I am married to unhappy with sexual output and affection. Must pat male provider on the arm every 36 hours, and say "My. You. Are. So. Attractive. I. Can. Barely. Contain. Myself. Right. Now". Must also increase coitus frequency and employ new strategies to assure provider male that he is proficient at coitus".

And it will go on, without her ever really being able to love me enough to open up to me.

Also, the first BF she was obsessed with and destroyed over when he cheated on her and left her was a cliched "badboy" with the tattoos and motorbike, etc.

And the 2nd "flame" in her life that she fell head over heels in love with, and who just used her like a sexdoll then dumped her was, surprise surprise, a tattooed meat-head with a borderline retarded IQ.

And then she picked me, the introvert, to marry. It kills me to admit it to myself, but on the surface it just seems to me that she has a preference for "badboy" males who will treat her like crap, but settled on me as she realized she was all she had the currency to afford.

And there have been other sad incidents, like when we were crossing the road, the little man had turned green on the traffic lights, so were were hurrying to get across, but crossing the other way was a group of males, and one of them was obviously a model and very good looking. As they passed us in the middle of the road, she stopped, turned around, mumbling something incoherent like she was drunk about "Awwwww, I, umm, the shop back there, ummm, uhhhh" and started following him.

Right in front of my face, she was so taken with this attractive passing male that she physically had no control over herself and followed him like a zombie in a trance for about 50 metres. I was so stunned I said nothing, I couldn't believe what was going on, and was so beta I didn't know what to do.

She acted like I was a "psycho" when I brought it up the next day, but I ask myself if she, when stone cold sober and right next to me, can't control herself to that extent, who knows what she may have done behind my back. And how much can I truly mean to her.

And she has done that more than once.

Just typing all this out, I feel like an idiot, she has made it out all along as though I should feel lucky for being with her, when actually she should be thankful she found any male willing to stand by her at ALL..

I think I need to find my balls again.

I have two awesome, perfect kids, but in the name of all the Gods, I wish I had just kept walking that day in the beginning when we were supposed to be in our "honeymoon" period when she followed that male model bloke like a zombie in heat, and had never spoken to her again.
Her libido is fine IMO. She has no respect for you and therefore no physical attraction to you. I would bet money that she is having an emotional affair if not having a physical affair with someone (or a few affair partners on the side). OP, I'm very sorry if this opinion hurts you, but that is what I think. You need to start working on a 180 - a little program to change who you are for the better. It's not designed to save your marriage, but it's designed to help you to cope better with what's going on and in the meantime help you become a better person. You need to start getting your self respect back and it starts by telling her "no". You seem to do an awful lot of things for her around the house plus work your own jobs and she has demanded you to work overtime regularly? Start cutting it back big time until she learns the meaning of the word respect.

FYI, her demanding you to work overtime on nights and weekends is a huge red flag that she is using this to 1) get extra money for an affair and 2) get you out of the way for her to have the affair. You need to dig into this to figure out if she is cheating on you. I think the signs are there that she is.
 

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Please don't LOL, I know a lot of sad, oblivious males say this despite the fact their wife's cheating is practically on an industrial scale, but there is no other Man to the best of my knowledge. I have pretty good instincts, and infact my "gut" saved our relationship on two occasions.

#1, she got a new job, and became infatuated with her Boss. #2, she got a new job, and became infatuated with some young male. I caught wind both times VERY early, due to her behaviour, and accurately deduced both times who it was.

Though having said that, she may very well have learned over the past decade how intuitive I am, and I may merely have trained her to be even BETTER at concealing herself.

Those incidents are actually among the issues I dredge up to myself when having a "breakdown" like this. To this day, she will not say in plain english to my face "Yes, I lost my head, became infatuated with them, and started to hate you for no reason as a result, and I am sorry, ask me any questions you like to help clear your mind and heal"

Nope, all I ever got was vague admissions, excuses, rationalizations, etc. From reading this site all day, I can see it is the usual fare that straying wives and GF's dish out to the men they are betraying.

She also kissed some other man at a concert she was attending with her sister. Apparently "just a peck on the cheek" but to this day I think she was just admitting to enough to soothe her OWN conscience, and has never told me the full story. She only stopped when her own sister said to her "That is cheating".

I ask myself, how much further would it have gone had her sister not stepped in to burst the bubble/fog of her just going with the moment with this man who bought her a drink.

But anyway, I shall find those books and read them right away.

All the replies here are really helping, it is extremely calming to know that there are people out there in the world who will take the time to listen and support me, I don't feel as cornered, you are all really helping me, in my unfortunately extremely real predicament.

Back to the topic, I've spoken to her on and off throughout the day, and I *think* I may have ever so slightly penetrated her mental wall of steel. But even so, I have a suspicion that her "robot" mind will simply process my outbursts as;

"Male provider I am married to unhappy with sexual output and affection. Must pat male provider on the arm every 36 hours, and say "My. You. Are. So. Attractive. I. Can. Barely. Contain. Myself. Right. Now". Must also increase coitus frequency and employ new strategies to assure provider male that he is proficient at coitus".

And it will go on, without her ever really being able to love me enough to open up to me.

Also, the first BF she was obsessed with and destroyed over when he cheated on her and left her was a cliched "badboy" with the tattoos and motorbike, etc.

And the 2nd "flame" in her life that she fell head over heels in love with, and who just used her like a sexdoll then dumped her was, surprise surprise, a tattooed meat-head with a borderline retarded IQ.

And then she picked me, the introvert, to marry. It kills me to admit it to myself, but on the surface it just seems to me that she has a preference for "badboy" males who will treat her like crap, but settled on me as she realized she was all she had the currency to afford.

And there have been other sad incidents, like when we were crossing the road, the little man had turned green on the traffic lights, so were were hurrying to get across, but crossing the other way was a group of males, and one of them was obviously a model and very good looking. As they passed us in the middle of the road, she stopped, turned around, mumbling something incoherent like she was drunk about "Awwwww, I, umm, the shop back there, ummm, uhhhh" and started following him.

Right in front of my face, she was so taken with this attractive passing male that she physically had no control over herself and followed him like a zombie in a trance for about 50 metres. I was so stunned I said nothing, I couldn't believe what was going on, and was so beta I didn't know what to do.

She acted like I was a "psycho" when I brought it up the next day, but I ask myself if she, when stone cold sober and right next to me, can't control herself to that extent, who knows what she may have done behind my back. And how much can I truly mean to her.

And she has done that more than once.

Just typing all this out, I feel like an idiot, she has made it out all along as though I should feel lucky for being with her, when actually she should be thankful she found any male willing to stand by her at ALL..

I think I need to find my balls again.

I have two awesome, perfect kids, but in the name of all the Gods, I wish I had just kept walking that day in the beginning when we were supposed to be in our "honeymoon" period when she followed that male model bloke like a zombie in heat, and had never spoken to her again.
Sorry dude, but your "good instincts" suck. I'm guessing she already has something on the side. It sounds like she's always on the hunt and you were lucky to catch a couple of them. But you can't catch them all.

You need to do a lot of deeper checking and see what she is doing, and do it now.
 

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Sorry dude, but your "good instincts" suck.
LOL, truth hurts

I'm guessing she already has something on the side.
There is no OM, trust me what it is, is that she is having all her "needs" (emotional, connection, self positive reinforcement at her being a good Mother, etc) met by our children. From reading here for 16 hours straight, I see that this is not an uncommon situation.

Not that there wouldn't be an OM one day. The problem for me is her "sexual" side, her inner woman, she has locked down, and has zero intention or ability of opening "her" up to me. Despite all my efforts. But one day when the kids are older, and she has more time on her hands, and perhaps she has a crisis because she is in her mid late thirties all of a sudden, THEN she will be become image conscious again, and will have a growing need to sexually re-affirm herself, and will start putting herself in situations where something could "just happen" with another man.

I can see the Freight train coming, but I can't avoid it as I am tied to the tracks, as it were.

If she ever goes back to work, my God I will be watching her like a Hawk.

It sounds like she's always on the hunt and you were lucky to catch a couple of them. But you can't catch them all.
Yeah....her zero impulse control and overnight, almost schoolgirl like infatuation with these males I mentioned, still kills me to this day. To know that this wife of mine whose body is sexually dead to me can, with a click of the fingers, become a passionate sexual creature absolutely drunk with lust, if the right male crosses her path.

I dunno, I am just numb today.

We had a deep talk about it all last night for hours, and I finally got through on one or two things that I had been bleeding over for years. But even after all that, her only suggestion today was "I can see you're unhappy, perhaps you should go to a doctor and get tested for depression"

I mean, are you f**king KIDDING me? Of COURSE I am depressed, and SHE is the one who reduced me to this state, yet after everything I said all she could come up with was to somehow make it MY problem.

I shot her down in flames, and she backed off completely and accepted she was wrong, but I dunno, I am beginning to wonder if she even has the intelligence to grasp what I am saying to her.

She STILL said, just before, "I'm tired, I have to deal with the kids, it's not fair for you to want some hyper sex-porno sessions every night"

So STILL she cannot hear that all I want is what is NORMAL in healthy relationships: Intimacy, and a NORMAL sex life, with a NORMAL frequency. My needing that makes me a sex crazed nymphomaniac porno-beast to her mind.

When I said this to her, and also said "I also am a parent raising kids, I also work and very hard job, yet I still make time for you EVERY day, why can't you do the same"

And she just didn't answer, and stood there like a stunned mullet...
 

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Definitely not normal.

She says she is happy and stop worrying. So, let's take her at her word. Don't start doing more around the house, questioning her loyalty to you, or otherwise shaking things up (yet) unless there is more to it than you are telling here.

Instead, have a nice sit down. Tell her that you accept she is happy and you are pleased to be meeting her need. Clarify for her that you are not asking for sex because you doubt her love, need to be reassured, have self esteem issues, etc.

Instead, she needs to know that you simply have a need for more sex - likely much more - than she is providing. You need to be physically intimate with her several times a week and she needs to be there enthusiastically. Since she's not providing that, you are (in contrast to her) not happy.

Since she is happy, meeting your need cheerfully should not be a problem for her. I would cautiously expect that she will adjust her behavior to meet your need (although you will have to go through the process of determining how to meet your need in a way that works for her too).

However, it is possible that she will not be happy with that. IOW, her contentment might be precisely because you are only having sex one a month or so, and having more will turn her off in itself. If that is the case, you will have to decide to leave it alone, or press for more sex knowing that you are jeapordizing your relationship. If you find this latter approach necessary, you will have to tell her the relationship is in jeapordy, start the "cool off" and let her decide whether to meet your need or walk away.

Good luck on this!

ETA: Do this soon. I'm concerned that not being able to let the small things go is evidence that the lack of sex is damaging your relationship by allowing resentment to take hold. She needs to know that resentment is starting to fester and you want to resolve this issue before it turns from a potentially fixable sexual issue into "I can't stand the sight of you".
Okay, I've read some more on this thread. I agree strongly that she probably has her emotional needs met by the children. You said yourself that she treats you like you are lucky to be around her. To me, that paints a picture of someone who pegged you as the reliable person who would parent and provide well. You are a companion and assistant, not a partner, to her.

Were I you, I would not worry so much about whether she is having an affair or not. I don't believe that a woman should get extra consideration for shutting down shop instead of screwing around - not when she's that disrespectful to you (the attitude and conduct which says you are lucky to be in her presence).

In that case (and I lived this with my ex), where she is not trying to work on meeting your need and being closer to you, my policy is to take a "no fault" approach. That is, either she is meeting my need or she is not. Once I know I am making a solid effort to meet her need, and she refuses to work with me, it then becomes up to her to make it work.

Carry yourself like you are just as worthy as she. If she does not want to engage you in a mutual relationship, you don't have time for her. She can do whatever she wants, because you have better things to do. Either she is taking care of you or she is not.

As an aside, I believe those who say women usually will not maintain an open sexual relationship with more than one guy at a time. If she gets back to being close to you, that's a strong indication that she's not out screwing around.
 
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