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My husband and I had a storybook marriage for 6 years. 3 kids and 20 years later, he's on ****** ******* and FetLife, enjoying "beautiful young women" mostly online sexting, pictures back and forth, and one score in real life. Our sex life has been abysmal much to my great sadness (I honestly thought he might be gay) but porn got him through 18 years, then he went interactive. "Dozens and dozens of women" he's "flirted" with, shocking me and shattering my trust.

I wonder how we survived so long, but much of this rode on those amazing first years. We were best friends and even through all these, we worked well together for the most part. We were busy. Time runs quickly. I wasn't happy but it looked like my parents' marriage. Is that what marriage is?

Acknowledging our relationship issues, we agreed to work on the marriage. Yet several times in 2 or 3 weeks, he's gotten back on FetLife (the married women were too bitter on the other site - imagine that) and feigned confusion when I'm like, wtf? His inability to stop has emphasized the whole BDSM aspect for me. He won't share details because I'd think he's disgusting... His "creative writing" I've seen is definitely nothing I've experienced with him. So while I was willing to move on, he's still in the gutter over there. I'm actually not a prude; I've missed sex a lot. He has once again agreed to quit if only for this little while, but I'm skeptical at this point. I asked if it's ok for me to gather my FetLife friends together, but suddenly it's not "just sex" and "doing nothing."

I get that it may be his escape from the real world, but it's not OK with me. But it mostly pisses me off because it's distracting me from thinking about the issues that matter. How do I focus???

He has been all over the place, several times blurting out, it's over. I get that he clearly had already decided that and now I've confused him by bringing his dirty little secrets into the light but how can I help myself? I know I need to work through all these emotions anyway, but as I find him flying off the handle, I'm wondering why I actually want to consider staying.

I suggested we give ourselves a deadline to decide stay or go (with the positive idea that it'd work out) and we agreed on a little more than two months 7/7/17. We agreed to be HONEST and go to five marriage couseling sessions (two already done.)

Has anything worked well in deciding? I honestly am trying to discern what is just habit. I'm willing to leave this comfortable lifestyle because not surprisingly I've not been happy either. We both agree change is necessary. Our kids are teenagers and I do think divorce hurts kids/entire families. Perhaps we are both tired of putting everyone else first though.

Big factors for me: he's traveled for work for 20 years and I've always hated that... it's made him feel I'm impossible to please because I felt overwhelmed with the kids and he tried to help me (with attitude) to no avail. It's a lifestyle I never wanted and I never got over it. He still travels and is a workaholic.

I must have stripped him of his manhood. We are not homophobes and I didn't consider the gay question an insult. That he is over-compensating and trying to be a sex super hero occurs to me. Or he is late bloomer. Or he's deeply depressed or insane. See, I just can't stop wondering about it! He hates when I dwell on things. So do I!
 

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Thanks for the laugh. Not trying to save an open marriage. I think that'd be hard to navigate and would probably just make for a torturous ending. I don't actually have FetLife friends, but he didn't like the idea of me getting some when I "suggested" it since he seems to think it's fine for him. Trying to save the original monogamous marriage.
 

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OK, first things first: is he on FetLife because he's actually into BDSM, or is it just because he thinks it's an easy way to find local women to have sex with? Because vanilla men tend to assume that all women in the BDSM/kink scene are easy, and there are a lot of guys not actually into kink that are only there to chat with women and look at their naked pictures. You need to figure out the answer to that question.

Regardless of the answer, if he's serious about fixing your marriage, he needs to stop logging into FetLife. If kink/BDSM is really a thing for him, the two of you can create a couples' account at later time when your marriage is fixed. But right now, he needs to shut it down to show that he's serious and dedicated to making this work. If he's not willing to do that for you, I would say don't even bother with counseling or waiting until July, because he already has one foot out the door.

Would you be willing to experiment with him in this area? If you are open to try new experiences with him that he wants to try, it could go a long way in bringing the two of you back together.
 

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FiP is right. Fetlife is very much 'kid in a candy store', and it could become easy to lose yourself in there, neglecting your real life and real woman.

He has to quit, kick his obsession or run the risk of losing you to these 'virtual women'.

He has a choice to make, or you will...
 

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Thanks for your comment; you seem to know more about this area than me. It's hard to say what he's after. The small bits I know, I can't imagine him doing. He seems to find tattoos and "weird haircuts" (these are tame things he's mentioned) quite an erotic step up from his boring vanilla life. He's talked about the danger in it and ropes... He seemed ready to "date" when I first caught him in all this, but we have a child in crisis (you're doing THIS when I'm dealing with THAT?) so I got really pissed off and demanded attention. It seems I went quickly to a forgiveness stage and it's hard to say why now. Hmm.

To me it seems it'd have to be more of a fantasy even though he seems like he was going to try to make it real. I might be willing to try new things, but I don't think he wants me in it. I don't really even know what the "new things" would be. But I hate to think that the only reason he wouldn't go the FetLife route is just because he doesn't think he could, ya know? Like I'm just the runner up?
 

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Thanks for your comment; you seem to know more about this area than me. It's hard to say what he's after. The small bits I know, I can't imagine him doing. He seems to find tattoos and "weird haircuts" (these are tame things he's mentioned) quite an erotic step up from his boring vanilla life. He's talked about the danger in it and ropes... He seemed ready to "date" when I first caught him in all this, but we have a child in crisis (you're doing THIS when I'm dealing with THAT?) so I got really pissed off and demanded attention. It seems I went quickly to a forgiveness stage and it's hard to say why now. Hmm.

To me it seems it'd have to be more of a fantasy even though he seems like he was going to try to make it real. I might be willing to try new things, but I don't think he wants me in it. I don't really even know what the "new things" would be. But I hate to think that the only reason he wouldn't go the FetLife route is just because he doesn't think he could, ya know? Like I'm just the runner up?
The bolded concerns me. BDSM done properly should never actually endanger the participants. Anyone experienced in BDSM knows this. He's dabbling. It turns him on, but he hasn't done any research into what it actually entails. Once he learns what goes into responsibly practicing BDSM, he may back way down on this.

FetLife can be a great tool of you're actually in the community. But he's using it as an outlet to escape from the reality of his life an marriage, and possibly as a route to an affair. But if you guys are going to try any of this stuff, then Fet will be a great resource for you.

He needs to back off of Fet for right now, because the two of you need to work on re-establishing trust and intimacy within your relationship. Because he was messaging women behind your back on Fet, right now that's a sore spot for you and it's a symbol of his almost-infidelity (or actual infidelity). You guys shouldn't even talk about practicing or trying anything BDSM-wise until you have re-established trust and intimacy. Trust is CRUCIAL in a healthy dynamic in BDSM; you should never engage in BDSM with someone whom you don't fully trust. Also, your husband sounds woefully uneducated and lacking in knowledge regarding BDSM, and you should also not play with him because of that, because a top who doesn't know what he's doing can seriously injure his bottom. Once you feel more comfortable in the relationship again and you guys are healing, then I would recommend going to some 101/Beginner BDSM classes to learn.

He may have gone to Fet because he doesn't feel that he can come to you with that. And that really speaks to the emotional chasm between the two of you right now. He doesn't feel emotionally safe with you right now, which is why he didn't share this.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
It was an escape/route to an affair/something that caught his eye in porn...

Yes, I see that trust would be huge.

In some ways, if he'd have a "normal" affair, it'd be easier. I "get" love and attraction. To think of him soliciting himself on those sites, then having virtual relations with an untold number of women makes me sick, especially since I found his profile talking of trust and what a good friend he is. That all this is supposed to be meaningless and not real... sigh. It's hard to compete with a computer? and yet it seems pathetic at the same time. Then there's that extra element that it's not just normal sex but XYZ!

I did read a tale of a man addicted to fetlife. Doctor said alot of people who are depressed are drawn to it. He went on anti-depressants and in time, cured his addiction and had much better relations with his wife. That could be the case here.
 

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So the reference to gay was not about anything specific? Or was there some reason you thought he might be not straight?

"I must have stripped him of his manhood. We are not homophobes and I didn't consider the gay question an insult."
 

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Tough decision. My marriage went a whole different way. I too was into BDSM and other women. In my case, my wife decided to join me in my sex life and made it hers too. She even got her girlfriends to have sex with me to keep it under our roof and eventually got her best friend to engage in BDSM activities with me for 30 years while also being my wife's lover. Kind of weird and even unbelievable, I know but that is how we handled it. My wife has said many times that had we decided to be monogamous, we would have divorced a long time ago. Instead we chose our marriage over monogamy. In my case it was easy because my wife was discovering her bisexuality.

It is difficult when the two spouses have different sexual needs. It seems that the only two solutions are for one to accept/participate with the other or leave each other. Some, maybe many, husbands would not be OK with their wife having sex with other women. Most wives would not find women for their husband so that he does not start having sex with strangers who may try to take him away. We are married for 44+ wonderful years despite our non traditional marriage. There were many reasons sexually to part ways but we both accepted each others needs and found a great solution in a shared girlfriend that fulfilled both of our needs as we fulfilled her need for a family that loves her.

When I was 19 I dated a few married women. For some reason they were attracted to me. Maybe because I was buff and fresh out of combat in with the Army. In any event, it was not uncommon for them to say that they think their husband is gay. The real reason in one case was that the husband was having an affair and he did not want to have sex with his wife. In another case, the husband was masturbating to porn so much that he was never horny when his wife was and could not perform anyway due to excessive masturbation. Last but not least, are the husbands who get so into porn and fetish stuff, that regular sex with the wife is not stimulating. I cannot enjoy vanilla sex. I only enjoy fetish sex but am lucky enough to have a wife willing to join me in my fetishes. Most she enjoys but some she just indulges me. So I would not be too quick to think he is gay.

What you need to do is have a frank conversation as my wife and I did early in our marriage. We both were honest about our sexual needs and desires. We have always found a way to accommodate both of our sexual needs. Sometimes we were very monogamous and sometimes not so much. What we did was to work at finding a middle ground. I finally stopped excessive masturbating which really helped. Now my wife says I am smothering her in love, but I make her feel like the most desirable woman in the world and she giggles when just a touch of her hand stirs me to action.

No guessing, no trying to figure it out, get to the heart of the problem. When it comes to sex too many are afraid to say what they feel. Perhaps an outside professional can help in this regard. As long as there is love on both sides, you can fix things once you understand each other. Good luck.
 
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The bolded concerns me. BDSM done properly should never actually endanger the participants. Anyone experienced in BDSM knows this. He's dabbling. It turns him on, but he hasn't done any research into what it actually entails. Once he learns what goes into responsibly practicing BDSM, he may back way down on this.

FetLife can be a great tool of you're actually in the community. But he's using it as an outlet to escape from the reality of his life an marriage, and possibly as a route to an affair. But if you guys are going to try any of this stuff, then Fet will be a great resource for you.

He needs to back off of Fet for right now, because the two of you need to work on re-establishing trust and intimacy within your relationship. Because he was messaging women behind your back on Fet, right now that's a sore spot for you and it's a symbol of his almost-infidelity (or actual infidelity). You guys shouldn't even talk about practicing or trying anything BDSM-wise until you have re-established trust and intimacy. Trust is CRUCIAL in a healthy dynamic in BDSM; you should never engage in BDSM with someone whom you don't fully trust. Also, your husband sounds woefully uneducated and lacking in knowledge regarding BDSM, and you should also not play with him because of that, because a top who doesn't know what he's doing can seriously injure his bottom. Once you feel more comfortable in the relationship again and you guys are healing, then I would recommend going to some 101/Beginner BDSM classes to learn.

He may have gone to Fet because he doesn't feel that he can come to you with that. And that really speaks to the emotional chasm between the two of you right now. He doesn't feel emotionally safe with you right now, which is why he didn't share this.
QFT.

And, crumbs. :grin2:
 

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Discussion Starter #13
The gay thought was cuz he wasn't interested in having sex with me. Yet before we were married, we talked about his "gay" attributes like he's very neat, he can decorate, stupid stuff like that. He & his college buddies would act gay for fun, which I never experienced before (but my boy scout son says is common) and go dancing at gay bars. I had no stake in it and was like, are you sure you're not gay? But perhaps most perplexing is when gay guys seemed so drawn to him. A bf of a friend walked straight to him, as if he knew him. Another cleaned our house and talked to "us" a long time. I said, he liked you... Hubby says, shuddup... I was invisible (certainly to the gay guy) and thinking wtf is happening here? Gaydar?

So why did I marry someone I thought could be gay? He convinced me he wasn't. But the thought obviously creeped back in.

Vinnydee, somehow you've managed to live so many men's best fantasy. Thing is, I dated a guy that it wouldn't have surprised me in the least to find him doing fetlife. He was into sex, into me, into oral sex and trying new things - the opposite of my husband. And now I've lived half my life with someone who'd rather talk dirty to exhibitionist strangers and pretend to do things to them that I would've never guessed he'd find erotic.

Sex is the one area you "can't" satisfy outside marriage. So freakin complicated
 

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I was a kink late bloomer. I didn't fully understand and accept my needs until I was in my late 30's. For me and many like me, BDSM is an emotional and psychological need. It can be very difficult to admit and understand kink to yourself and can be terrifying to discuss in detail with a spouse. A lot of kinksters would rather let their needs go unmet than to be thought of as defective by their loved ones.

What your husband did with other women was wrong. If you're willing to forgive him and try to save the marriage it might involve you being willing to fulfill his kink needs. Are you willing to do some of what he wrote about? Beyond that, would you actually enjoy doing some of what he wrote about?

Also, check out Esinem on YouTube. If you go to his videos list he has 2 on rope safety. Never use ropes when drunk, check periodically to make sure the person tied has good limb circulation, the locations of nerves to be avoided when wrapping, etc. If your H is interested in bondage he really needs to research safety or he could accidentally permanently damage himself or someone else.
 

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I don't understand. You don't have sex with your H, he's having several EA's and did I read he had PA too? He continues to pursue a sex life without you and you have a sexless, emotionally hollow marriage. Did I get that right?

So what could you even want out of this other than "out"? Seriously.

Oh - and he's definitely with gay or bi. NO straight guy dances with dudes at a gay bar. NONE. Zilch. Zero.

Probably wants to keep up appearances. I guess that makes you Richard?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keeping_Up_Appearances


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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I was a kink late bloomer. I didn't fully understand and accept my needs until I was in my late 30's. For me and many like me, BDSM is an emotional and psychological need. It can be very difficult to admit and understand kink to yourself and can be terrifying to discuss in detail with a spouse. A lot of kinksters would rather let their needs go unmet than to be thought of as defective by their loved ones.

What your husband did with other women was wrong. If you're willing to forgive him and try to save the marriage it might involve you being willing to fulfill his kink needs. Are you willing to do some of what he wrote about? Beyond that, would you actually enjoy doing some of what he wrote about?

Also, check out Esinem on YouTube. If you go to his videos list he has 2 on rope safety. Never use ropes when drunk, check periodically to make sure the person tied has good limb circulation, the locations of nerves to be avoided when wrapping, etc. If your H is interested in bondage he really needs to research safety or he could accidentally permanently damage himself or someone else.
It's really difficult for a lot of people to discuss this stuff in real life. I didn't get into any kink until a few years ago, and I'm still pretty cautious about it. And I'd still not be exploring it, and would just do without starting tomorrow if I thought it would get out around town. Nope. Not dealing with that kind of stuff in a town where everyone knows everyone.

OP's H needs to get his stuff together though. Going to other women for this should be a deal breaker, and he should know better.

OP, is there a reason your sex-life died years ago? If you're going to try R, that might be a good place to start... Why didn't he address this with you, instead seeking outside the marriage? Fear? Or was he just looking for variety?
 

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BDSM is an emotional and psychological need. It can be very difficult to admit and understand kink to yourself and can be terrifying to discuss in detail with a spouse. A lot of kinksters would rather let their needs go unmet than to be thought of as defective by their loved ones.
Need, in what way? No offense to anyone, but it seems to be a control issue. Hatred of women has crossed my mind. He said, you wouldn't believe how many women want you to hit them. But then again, to each his own - I don't know enough about it and I'll try not to judge. I've never read any of his conversations and he seems to be embarrassed I found out at all. He's never admitted to anything I don't already know from the few pictures/profiles I saw. I asked if he just thinks I wouldn't approve or he's ashamed and he says probably a bit of both. Maybe knowing would be bad for me, but I'm just so curious. I mean, I'm the one who loves sex here! He's never seemed to enjoy giving me oral sex and he's has "rim some" in his extra email account, like that's his specialty and delight? I think I'd love to see any of his creative writing come to life, if only for any of this to make sense.
 

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It's really difficult for a lot of people to discuss this stuff in real life. I didn't get into any kink until a few years ago, and I'm still pretty cautious about it. And I'd still not be exploring it, and would just do without starting tomorrow if I thought it would get out around town. Nope. Not dealing with that kind of stuff in a town where everyone knows everyone.

Why didn't he address this with you, instead seeking outside the marriage? Fear? Or was he just looking for variety?
I like hearing from you kinksters. I had no knowledge or interest in all the online sex stuff available. I guess I see the appeal of anoymous sexual exploration. Yet he didn't like when I said that he was soliciting himself to women. I mean, what else is it? These weird sexual personal ads and his was very relationship based. The nice guy, cheating on his wife.

He'd given up on our marriage but was riding thru until the kids left home.

concentrate on the relationship, concentrate on the relationship, concentrate on the relationship. CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN WHY THIS FET STUFF HAS DERAILED ME SO MUCH? I guess it's cuz I don't know what he wants and at the possible end of a marriage that has most often left me sex-starved, he's trying to burst into a fetish filled world? Where was that interest and energy when I needed it?!

PS Anger/resentment caused him to lose attraction to me. I am "impossible to please." To his credit he does do alot for me. But what did I need?
 

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I like hearing from you kinksters. I had no knowledge or interest in all the online sex stuff available. I guess I see the appeal of anoymous sexual exploration. Yet he didn't like when I said that he was soliciting himself to women. I mean, what else is it? These weird sexual personal ads and his was very relationship based. The nice guy, cheating on his wife.

He'd given up on our marriage but was riding thru until the kids left home.

concentrate on the relationship, concentrate on the relationship, concentrate on the relationship. CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN WHY THIS FET STUFF HAS DERAILED ME SO MUCH? I guess it's cuz I don't know what he wants and at the possible end of a marriage that has most often left me sex-starved, he's trying to burst into a fetish filled world? Where was that interest and energy when I needed it?!

PS Anger/resentment caused him to lose attraction to me. I am "impossible to please." To his credit he does do alot for me. But what did I need?
I think there is a narrow value in anonymously using sites like FetLife. Anonymous use of such sites can allow you to discuss things you couldn't otherwise, or even look into ideas on exploring your kink--this second option is the real value IMO.

I think regarding your H, he needs to answer why he was going to other women online to explore this stuff. Was he scared to talk to you about it? Worried you'd lose respect for him, or leave him?

How are you "impossible to please"?
 
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Need, in what way? No offense to anyone, but it seems to be a control issue. Hatred of women has crossed my mind. He said, you wouldn't believe how many women want you to hit them. But then again, to each his own - I don't know enough about it and I'll try not to judge. I've never read any of his conversations and he seems to be embarrassed I found out at all. He's never admitted to anything I don't already know from the few pictures/profiles I saw. I asked if he just thinks I wouldn't approve or he's ashamed and he says probably a bit of both. Maybe knowing would be bad for me, but I'm just so curious. I mean, I'm the one who loves sex here! He's never seemed to enjoy giving me oral sex and he's has "rim some" in his extra email account, like that's his specialty and delight? I think I'd love to see any of his creative writing come to life, if only for any of this to make sense.
For me, the kink meets my need for security and intellectual/emotional closeness.

I am a "switch". I can be both Dominant and submissive though I lean more toward submissive. When I am in submissive mode I am able to completely relax physically and mentally. I surrender control and responsibility and I become entirely free to just feel. No thinking going on at all. I belong to my DH. He owns me, possesses me. I am beloved and safe. When I am in Dominant mode my DH belongs to me. I am free to do what pleases me, to indulge my whims. I own him, possess him, and he is so deeply mine that he surrenders himself, lock, stock, and barrell. Either way, Dominant or submissive, it`s intense on so many levels. I am doing s very por job of describing it.

My DH was raised in an upper middle class conservative family. He was trained to treat women a certain way. He was taught that a man behaved a certain way. He is also a switch and spent years thinking his kink leanings were "bad" or "wrong". I spent years thinking if I told my DH, or anyone else, about my kinks i'd lose respect and be thought of as "weak" and mentally damaged. DH and I have been together 17 years and only started really admitting to our needs and learning to meet them a mere two years ago. It took a lot of faith, trust, and courage to talk about kink to each other. If you want your husband to open up you have to convince him that you won't judge him, won't lose respect for him, won't run screaming from the room to tell everyone you know he's a freak, and that he is safe. Considering he has damaged the trust between you, maybe it would be a good idea to talk about it in therapy with a kink friendly counselor. Who knows? Maybe your current therapist is kink friendly.

I like hearing from you kinksters. I had no knowledge or interest in all the online sex stuff available. I guess I see the appeal of anoymous sexual exploration. Yet he didn't like when I said that he was soliciting himself to women. I mean, what else is it? These weird sexual personal ads and his was very relationship based. The nice guy, cheating on his wife.

He'd given up on our marriage but was riding thru until the kids left home.

concentrate on the relationship, concentrate on the relationship, concentrate on the relationship. CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN WHY THIS FET STUFF HAS DERAILED ME SO MUCH? I guess it's cuz I don't know what he wants and at the possible end of a marriage that has most often left me sex-starved, he's trying to burst into a fetish filled world? Where was that interest and energy when I needed it?!

PS Anger/resentment caused him to lose attraction to me. I am "impossible to please." To his credit he does do alot for me. But what did I need?
If you want my totally uneducated opinion, he stopped having sex with you and "gave up" because he wasn't getting his needs met and basically couldn't stand to have sex without getting his needs met. A "so close, yet so far" type torture for him. The kicker is it's his own damn fault for not communicating his needs to you. I think that is also where the resentment comes from. i think he resents you for not meeting needs you didn't even know he had.

I don't know about your H, but when my kink needs haven't been met in some time, the needs become stronger until it eventually spills over into other areas of our marriage. I suspect your H's need became so great he let it spill over into other areas of your marriage and vented it on the internet with other women. Absolutely a huge betrayal and the wrong thing to do. He should have come to you with this long ago.

Part of the appeal of going online for this sort of thing is acceptance. Kinksters tend to be accepting of other people's kinks as long as everything is consensual and legal. Another part is that it doesn't really matter what a stranger thinks of you, but it matters very much what your spouse thinks of you, so you can be more open online.
 
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