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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Before dating my wife, I had zero sexual experience (no intercourse, no oral sex, nothing). As I dated and eventually married my wife images of her past sexual experiences did bother me a little, however I was able to not dwell on the past, ignore the images as best I could, move on and live in the present. However, lately I have been struggling.

My wife has had 2 sexual partners. We've been married for about 2 years and are expecting a baby. However, I'm struggling with dealing with her sexual past. I understand that it's never a pleasant thought to imagine your significant other engaging in sexual intercourse or any intimate activity (including non-sexual). These thoughts of her past create disturbing images that are constantly on my mind. These images make me feel extremely sad. I have spoken with my wife about her past sexual relationships which seemed to ease the pain quite a bit. Yet I still continue to struggle. I know that some people feel "what you don't know, can't hurt you," however I feel that it's important to have some background of your partner's past (again, both sexual and non sexual), as it helps you to understand how they arrived to who they are today. I know that many may disagree with this.

I understand that we all learn and grow from our experiences and I wouldn't change anything about my wife, because I am deeply and madly in love with her. I even recognize that without her past relationships she may not have recognized just how special our connection/bond is. I understand that the past is the past. I have no ill feelings toward my wife's past sexual partners, nor do I view my wife as "damaged goods" or impure. I understand that my it is OK for my wife to have had sex with others before me (whether she enjoyed it or not). She has told me that she wishes she would have saved herself for her true love (and although this makes me feel special, I do not wish for her to have any guilt because she did nothing wrong).

My wife has told me that she has never experienced a special connection like the one we share with anyone, and that this special emotional bond takes things (including sex and other non sexual experiences) to a higher level that she never knew existed. I feel the same way. Before we met each other, we both felt that we would have to settle for a person that we weren't completely satisfied with. She has reassured me on multiple occasions that she is more than satisfied with our life together (both sexually and emotionally). However, as of lately I haven't been able to enjoy our time spent together because I am constantly haunted by images of her past sexual experiences.

Now I understand that all these negative thoughts and images are most likely caused by insecurities, a lack of confidence, and inability to not dwell on the past. Also, because of my lack of sexual experience, I have no idea what its like to have sex with a person that you really care about or love, which makes it a little difficult to view things from my wife's perspective. I am currently taking the necessary steps to become healthier, such as exercising regularly, attending continuous counseling/therapy, taking medication. I understand that if I continue to dwell on her past sexual experiences it can only harm our relationship, or even end it, which is NOT what I want, and this is why I'm dedicated and committed to improving my mental health.

My wife is aware that I have these disturbing feelings and images and is very supportive and does all she can to help (just another reason why she is so amazing). Yet these disturbing sexual images of her past still continue to haunt me (however I am still in the early stages of counseling and understand that it will take time, effort, & commitment to get healthier, even though it feels like these thoughts/images may never go away). She is my soul mate, the love of my life, and I do not wish to be with anyone else besides her.

I've tried to pinpoint exactly what it is that disturbs me about her sexual past. It's not the genital-to-genital intercourse nor is it the act of the oral sex exchanged (so to speak). Now I'm going to try and say this in a mature and respectful manner and I apologize if I offend anyone. The images that torment my mind is another man ejaculating during oral sex and my wife ingesting the bi-product. To be quite honest, it's the ingestion of bodily fluid that I struggle with. Now, I've tried to think about why I feel this way.

First off, it could be my own personal views on the subject. I feel that when a woman ingests a man's semen its kind of an act of ultimate acceptance. It's almost like the man has become a part of you in a sense. I know that this may sound insane to some people, and that you may think that I'm crazy, but please hear me out. Now I don't completely agree with this. Looking at this from a rational/scientific point of view, the man is now a part of her, the argument wouldn't really hold up because the semen has been broken down, converted, and used as protein (or whatever its contents are) by the digestive system. I apologize if I ventured off topic.

The ingestion of male fluid may also bother me a little because when my wife performs oral sex on me I have never been able to orgasm. Only once, at the very early dating stages of our relationship, did she ingest my semen because she said she wanted to, almost as if it was an act of her accepting me (or at least that's how I interpreted it during our conversation afterwards). However, I remember her face when she swallowed the fluid and it appeared to be uncomfortable or unpleasurable.

Now this was more than 5 years ago so my memory is exactly perfect, but I remember telling her how thankful I was for the experience and letting her know that if it was unpleasurable on her part that she didn't have to engage in the act. Although the experience was very pleasurable for me, I would not be able to enjoy the experience again if I knew that she was uncomfortable in any way. After all, what makes the experience so arousing is that we are both into it. She didn't respond to my comment at the time yet she never again engaged in the act.

I would love for my wife to perform oral sex on me in this manner. However, I would want to make sure that it was for the right reasons and that my wife was comfortable with it (of course). When analyzing my thoughts, I want to be careful that I simply don't want to engage in the act as an act of dominance or primal instinct of "marking my property" due to jealousy issues (because other men got to experience this with my wife but not myself-her husband). I know that this is not how my brain operates and I do not view my wife as a possession. But as I write this, I'm realizing that I may have some resent toward my wife, not for engaging in this act with other men, but for choosing to do it with other men in the past and not me.

Now I'm not a counselor or therapist, but clearly I have some issues that need to be addressed during counseling. I place a lot guilt and blame on myself for feeling this way, which is why I'm taking the steps necessary to become a healthier person. I write this post to help those in a similar situation, who are struggling with their partners past sexual experience. I write this post to support, inspire, and encourage those people to not this beast of insecurity & jealousy ruin your life, and to do take the steps necessary to overcome this obstacle. I urge those who struggle to remember what really matters in a relationship: the indescribable emotional connection, the luxury of spending the rest of your life with your best friend & soul mate, being vulnerable in a relationship where you don't have to hide anything because you know that person accepts you fully despite your flaws. I often have to remind myself of this. Although it can be embarrassing or shameful to admit these feelings of insecurity just remember: Is it worth losing your marriage?

Good luck, I hope my story helps. :)
 

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Maybe your wife's ex's are having disturbing images of YOU f**king her. Who would you rather be? Dwell on that possibility for a while and see if it helps.
 

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My question to you.... did she actually come out and say she engaged in oral sex with those other two? I ask for a reason. I had two sexual partners before my husband. He was, as you were, a virgin before we got together. I NEVER gave nor received oral from those other men. The only person I have ever experienced this with is my husband.

As the others have posted... she chose you. If you continue to let this eat away at you, it will only serve to pull you apart.

As for the look face she made afterward... it could have been bitter. My husband's is bitter. Many say that there are ways to sweeten it... sadly, none of those have worked for my husband. He doesn't consume any of the things that usually make semen bitter, either. I counteract that using numbing mints (my gag reflex is horrible) and/or soda. So, while it is bitter, it IS something I enjoy doing for him because I love him. And, it could very well be that your wife assumed YOU didn't like it because of your comment. And, because she believed YOU don't like it, she doesn't do it. Just one possibility....
 

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The only thing that is important in a relationship is what takes place after the two become a couple. Of course it's best that no social diseases accompany your SO.
 

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What triggers your thoughts of your wife engaging in sexual activities with other men? In which type of situation does this happen? Why are you insecure? Do you feel threatened by her past partner? Are you afraid that you are not as good?
I am sorry for the amount of questions, but I am just trying to get the whole picture.
 

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your wife is in a no-win situation. it's seems that no matter what she says, you can't get past her past. It must be very draining on her for you to be so down about a situation that is beyond her control. You are letting this manipulate your life in a very dysfunctional way. If you don't let this go, your wife might become totally exasperated by you. Keep going to therapy or find books to help you move on. You're living in the past and it's damaging your present. you have a beautiful baby on the way. move on.
 

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ps- Believe me, if she goes down on you it is because she is very accepting of you. Swallowing or not, has nothing to do with it. Some women dont like the taste of it.
 

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your wife is in a no-win situation. it's seems that no matter what she says, you can't get past her past. It must be very draining on her for you to be so down about a situation that is beyond her control. You are letting this manipulate your life in a very dysfunctional way. If you don't let this go, your wife might become totally exasperated by you. Keep going to therapy or find books to help you move on. You're living in the past and it's damaging your present. you have a beautiful baby on the way. move on.
And it's not even much of a past, as pasts go.
 

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(This is not directed at the OP personally)

You can't help how you feel - that I get. I try to apply the wisdom of a half century on this planet and not judge too harshly those whose shoes I've not walked in.

But any man who lets his wife's sexual past, especially one as mild as this, get in the way of his marital happiness is an ass. I don't have another word for it. So while you may feel uneasy about it, you get to control how you react to it. The difference between you and a monkey with a stick on an ant hill is that you have the ability to control your immediate desires and plan for the future.

You're not so damn special that you should expect your wife was waiting chastely for the Cosmic Awesomeness of your penis long before she even knew you existed. She picked you over all others to cling to, in sickness and in health, and if that doesn't make you feel Right Special Enough you're a sad sack of insecurity who needs a good punch in the noggin to straighten out.

So be a man and get the f*** over it.

Phew! That felt therapeutic.
 

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This is all about your own insecurities.

Personally I occasionally fantasize about my wife having two men "do" her and me watching. She fantasizes about me doing other women. Sometimes we verbalize these while we are having sex and it's generally an explosive outcome. We aren't going to act on these things - it's just injecting variety.

These ideas you have about swallowing are born out of your own insecurities and inexperience. I don't know how to fix them but a generic counselor is probably not going to be as good as a sex therapist and it may even be that just becoming awesome at something earns you the self-confidence that vacates this whole ugly mess.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I'll try to add a few questions that were posted.

I know she performed oral sex on both men because she told me when I asked. I know that some people feel that "what you don't know, can't hurt you." However, I felt like knowing the truth, accepting it, and putting it in the past would be better than constantly obsessing over irrational and disturbing images (I have been diagnosed with obsessive thinking disorder). Please keep in mind that I'm not proud of these feelings and understand that they are unfair & I am judging my wife by creating these unrealistic. It's embarrassing and shameful to feel this way, and yes I do feel like an ass. I feel like a caveman for struggling with my wife's past of performing oral sex on another man. And believe me, I know that these feelings of jealousy and insecurity, if not dealt with, can have a devastating effect on my marriage.

I have also been diagnosed with depression (it runs in my family, and I'm sure that my traumatizing childhood didn't help the situation at all) and its been a constant battle that I've struggled with and through the past two years I have made some great progress. I don't share this because I want people to feel sorry for me or justify my ridiculous/absurd feelings, but to give people some idea on where I'm coming from. Although I am getting the help I need and making an effort to get better so that I can be the best husband and father possible, it is extremely difficult. I understand that this is anonymous forum, and that there will be people who will make negative and counterproductive comments, but again, if you feel you must call me an ass or tell me to "man up" then the more power to you.

When I created this post, my goal was to reach out to people in a similar situation, and let them know that they are not alone, and that there is hope. The key is to take action instead of keeping this negative thoughts bottle up. I've read many forums of people dealing with the same issue, and have seen the hostile attitude many people have toward people dealing with a similar issue. So, I thought I'd try to post something that may be more helpful than just having frustrated people make negative comments toward them (as if these comments are going to make things any better).

I actually have an update. I spoke with my wife a yesterday and we talked about my issues of her sexual past (which I understand is hardly a past). She gave me a little background on her past relationships, and reminded me that they didn't work out for several reasons (they were not compatible, there was no chemistry, she engaged in these relationships due to her own insecurities, etc). This helped a lot and I can not stress enough the value of effective communication with your partner. She even went on to say that she never really shared these past experiences because she wanted to be respectful to me and that she was embarrassed by them. However, even if she did have a strong emotional connection with a past sexual partner and enjoyed the sex very much I'm realizing that its ok. I'm slowly learning to accept the past and move on.

As much as I feel like an ass for feeling some resentment toward my wife for engaging in sexual intercourse with her past partners, as if she did something wrong or betrayed me, I know that self loathing will just dig me deeper in a hole. Obviously, there are deeper issues that go past these feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and betrayal, which I am working on through weekly psychotherapy sessions (in addition to taking medication for depression & obsessive thinking which I use not to numb my feelings but to bring me to an emotional level where I can be more productive in therapy.

I'll end with a theory that will hopefully help others. Everyone one has vampires in their life, whether its a negative person, a negative thought, depression, insecurity, jealously, anger, resentment, a job you hate, people that leave negative comments on forums (jk) or any life sucking situation. Kill the vampire by taking direct action (stick a stake in its heart and shine the light of truth on it). I know that its often scary to confront these vampires and take action, but once they are slayed your life will be a million times better. The hardest thing to do is to take action and not let this beast conquer you.
 

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I am going to take my gloves off, if I was your friend, I would slap you. You need to man-up! Sex plays many different roles in our lives, but when you accepted your wife, you accepted her past. You don’t have a right to make her feel bad or ashamed about her past. Do you know how lucky you are that you married someone that had only been with 2 partners? A-lot of women today had multiple partners at the same time and lesbian experience. A woman needs a strong man that asserts his manhood, not all the time, but certainly in bed. I hope you don’t speak to your wife like you posted, you don’t want to be labeled a bore. If your wife performed oral on you and swallowed and on her 2 previous exes, it sounds like she likes it. You need to get that back. One day after she gets out of the shower or is dressing, just go up and kiss her and do whatever gets her hot and then slowly push down on her. She will get the hint and if she likes it, she will down on you, and then you need to use your mind, cut loose and enjoy your woman pleasuring you. Force yourself to cum in her mouth. The taste of semen is dictated by what you eat and sometimes it’s sour or sweet (no, I never tasted it) but my wife always tells me how It tastes. Don’t comment on this. Sometimes she makes faces, other times she doesn’t. Sometimes she swallows. Let her decide. Do let her know how much you enjoyed it.
Then you need to take your woman and F!ck her hard, you need to man up here, eat her out, do what she likes, make her say your name, tie her up, spank her, use dildos, be a freak. Maybe try some anal. Once you do this and once you can make her cum at will, you will forget what she did with the other 2 losers, she will be yours and you won’t think about this again, in the same way.

Now that she is expecting, her body will change and you will see that after 6 months, you have two choices, oral or masturbation, it gets icky. I am educated and eloquent like you, I have 3 kids and 13 years of marriage, you should listen to what I and others wrote. My wife had 2 previous boyfriends before me and the second one was 6.1 and weighed 250 lbs of muscle. He was so large that he couldn’t get it all inside her. He had anal sex with her, she swallowed both and he even came in her ass, so I think that’s much, much worse than your situation. I am a better lover than he boyfriends, I am smaller, but I make it up. I am however more of a man, those or her words, so man-up and good luck. If you have any other questions, feel free to PM me or post here.
 

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The hardest thing to do is to take action and not let this beast conquer you.
You sound like a good guy who is struggling with a hard problem. Kudos to you both.

All I was trying to convey, more to the less self-aware who pop up here periodically, was the importance of not letting YOUR insecurities over something which predates your relationship with your wife destroy your marriage. But you already know that and you're working to avoid it. Please keep up the hard work, and you'll have earned the love of your spouse.

All we can ask of our partners is that they work to improve our relationship. You are fulfilling that contract.
 

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Let's cut the OP a break. Based on his most recent post, he's pretty level-headed about the situation and realizes it's his problem to address. Depression and OCD are hard to live with and he's trying to do what's right. He's actually bringing a positive message.
 

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I'll try to add a few questions that were posted.

I know she performed oral sex on both men because she told me when I asked. I know that some people feel that "what you don't know, can't hurt you." However, I felt like knowing the truth, accepting it, and putting it in the past would be better than constantly obsessing over irrational and disturbing images (I have been diagnosed with obsessive thinking disorder). Please keep in mind that I'm not proud of these feelings and understand that they are unfair & I am judging my wife by creating these unrealistic. It's embarrassing and shameful to feel this way, and yes I do feel like an ass. I feel like a caveman for struggling with my wife's past of performing oral sex on another man. And believe me, I know that these feelings of jealousy and insecurity, if not dealt with, can have a devastating effect on my marriage.

...
There is a technique you can use to train yourself out of thes thoughts. I used it to stop the obsessive mind images I had after I found out about my husband's affairs.

Every time you start to have these images/thoughts stop the tought/image and redirect your mind to something pleasant. In your case it might be to think of making love to your wife. Always turn the thoughts to good thoughts of your wife.

You do have control over this. It might take some practice but you do.
 

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Yes, your story are very mild indeed. If I can put my DW's party girl past over me, then you should be able too. I don't blame my wife for what she did in the past, it was her past before she met me. She even admitted to me that she had sex once with someone else and enjoyed it when she was dating me, because that man did her some big favors for her before (he was not her ex-BF), and she was reluctant to refuse, and since we were only dating for a month, she didn't knew we would be permanent. It was at the new year's eve that she finally told me everything about her past. She had lots of sexual partners before, some she enjoyed, some she didn't. It did hurt me a lot when I heard her stories, but I really appreciated and admired her honesty. She promised me that it was all in the past, that she only love me now. She said that she was really afraid that I would left her if she told me the truth, but it was eating at her too.
I am still learning to put those all behind me, but I will. Thank you EleGirl for the input. Because I love her so much, and I know she love me as much too.
Sorry for hijacking.
 

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Enlightenment...Best of luck to you dealing with your difficulties. I get what you are saying. My wife and my history was exactly the same as yours. She had two other lovers and I was the big V.

Early on it was tough dealing with the insecurities. I thought about it...didn't like the thoughts and felt inadequate. Time was all I needed. Not sure if that will be that easy for you, but I just wanted to let you know that its not unusual to have those thoughts. Given your diagnoses, it will just be harder for you to get over.
 
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