Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
563 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I'm the original poster of "Roomates and now cheating". I have had a lot of advice, and as might be expected, some good and some very extreme. I guess what I'd like to get out of this is how a man, who's gentle, kind and compassionate, is supposed to deal with the wife who is now on an extended absence (okay, sex tour as one of you put it) with a suitor. Anyhow, I've been made to feel like I'm sort of the village idiot here, and I'd like to take this to another level.

What everyone doesn't know is all the background; my bipolar disorder and how it's stunted my development as a "manly-man", our financial straits and how our current situation doesn't allow for anyone to kick anyone else out without it literally causing homelessness, bankruptcy and foreclosure.

My wife is something of a hoarder (not serious like on the reality shows, she's actually a collector who has gotten out of control); I cannot take her stuff and put it on the front lawn. There is no front lawn big enough for that. And calling 1800GOTJUNK isn't a solution; I couldn't afford them if I wanted to.

I know I am being walked all over. Make no mistake; I'm fully aware, and angry about it. But the changes I have to make to myself are extreme, and they don't come easily or quickly.

I have recently dropped 70 lbs. I am not ugly, not the kind of person who would have a hard time finding a relationship, but that is the last thing I want right now. I want my relationship, repaired and renewed, and am willing to fight to have that back, without having a divorce. If that's what ends up happening, I guess I'll move on but what I'm seeking here is to hear from people who don't necessarily think it's time to move on yet.

I also am a spiritual man, a Christian who believes that God can intervene and repair things if it's in His will to do it. I am not a Christian who believe that God makes every move - many times, He allows things to happen that are not good, and we, because of our own free will, cause much damage. But He is, ultimately, the healer, and I also hold out some hope that healing can come.

We have 2 kids who my wife is reluctant to tell this about. If I've yelled at her about anything, it's about how important it is SHE tell them, since this is her thing. The people who say I should expose her to everyone I just cannot agree with. Some things need to be done with gentility, and our children, although grown up and pretty much out on their own, are precious, and somewhat delicate.

Her entire family knows about what is going on, and they, like me, are astounded, based on the fact that this is behavior that is so unlike her that it's got everyone flabbergasted. Our pastor and people in the church are aware. Other than to the kids, (who live far away and are unlikely to hear anything through word-of-mouth), she is completely outed.

Who I'd like to hear from is people who have gone through something like this and reconciled, as, yes, I'd still prefer reconciliation to just chucking 16 years of what was, on many levels, a good marriage.

Maybe I'm just looking for some comfort to ease my pain, I don't know, but maybe someone can shed some light on how one might survive an instance like this and come out with an intact marriage.
 
  • Like
Reactions: See_Listen_Love

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,426 Posts
Well - you know I'm in your other thread and I've used the words "man up" several times in my post to you. I'm not telling you to physically man up, to literally throw her stuff on the lawn (although it's not a bad idea). I'm telling you that you need to find the fortitude to demand better for yourself, to not accept the boat load of disrespect she is shipping your way. I'm telling you that IMO you need to pick a direction - any direction - and ACT!! Do SOMETHING to make YOUR situation what YOU want it to be. Is that scary? It can be. Is the outcome certain? Nope. But what is certain is that if you fiddle while Rome burns all you're going to end up with is a pile of ashes.

I've also related "maning up" or a lack there of the attracting or repelling your wife. Women - everyone really - respond to a leader, to someone who says "I'm going that way, come on or step aside." I'm not saying you have to turn yourself into a Lombardi or Patton over night but make a decision, wishy washy just isn't sexy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,380 Posts
You need to realize that you can absolutely not control your wife. You cannot compel her to return to you, or to love you. The only person you can control is yourself. So start there. Reflect on your life, where it is, where you want it to be. Things that you have done to help end up where you are. Think about where you want to be, I think at this point, you'll do yourself a disservice if you include your wife in that picture (sorry, just how it is currently). Think about steps you will need to take to get from where you are to where you want to be. Start acting on your own behalf. Now as I said before, you can't control your wife, but for now, things you do may influence her, like if you own the house together, start getting ready to get rid of it if is too much of a financial burden to carry alone. At some point, it'll be ready to go, and if she can't carry the debt without you, you withdraw your money and let the chips fall where they may. It would be in her self interest to then cooperate in the sale, and she might do that.

Start to separate and detach from her, you have not got much choice at this point, so start there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
563 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
You need to realize that you can absolutely not control your wife. You cannot compel her to return to you, or to love you. The only person you can control is yourself. So start there. Reflect on your life, where it is, where you want it to be. Things that you have done to help end up where you are. Think about where you want to be, I think at this point, you'll do yourself a disservice if you include your wife in that picture (sorry, just how it is currently). Think about steps you will need to take to get from where you are to where you want to be. Start acting on your own behalf. Now as I said before, you can't control your wife, but for now, things you do may influence her, like if you own the house together, start getting ready to get rid of it if is too much of a financial burden to carry alone. At some point, it'll be ready to go, and if she can't carry the debt without you, you withdraw your money and let the chips fall where they may. It would be in her self interest to then cooperate in the sale, and she might do that.

Start to separate and detach from her, you have not got much choice at this point, so start there.
Thanks for this. I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my life, and I've discovered that there are things I've done that were very wrong, or things I could've done that would have been so very much more right. I did not take control of my relationship, I let it run me, and this was stupid.

I have begun the separation and detachment to some degree. I feel that it will be right for me to wait until she returns and have that big, after-party talk with her about how her trip went, was she unfaithful, where does she want to be now before I completely give up, and yeah, I don't want to give up. But I'm not stupid. If she says that it's over and she wants to continue carrying on with this guy, then that has to be it. I'm outta here.

I have had it proposed that I let her return and allow us to stay "separated-together" long enough to do some parallel processing of this; her with living with her choices and deciding if she wants to continue down her current path, me deciding whether I can really accept that she might change her ways; all this before finally deciding to split.
 
  • Like
Reactions: MattMatt

·
Registered
Joined
·
563 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
I'm telling you that you need to find the fortitude to demand better for yourself... I'm telling you that IMO you need to pick a direction - any direction - and ACT!!
I am now in that position where I'm demanding better of myself. I'm doing lots of self-re-examination, firguring out where i went wrong, where I let this situation get out of hand, but more importantly, when I stopped caring about myself to the degree that I put everyone else first. I just always thought it was the Christian thing to do. But even God intended me to have some self-respect.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
836 Posts
You are most likely not going to find any R stories stemming from a situation like yours. WS’s don’t tend to be attracted to what may be perceived as “weakness” for not standing up for yourself and tolerating the affair. It’s difficult to respect someone that doesn’t respect themself.

For you, R isn’t even an option right now and the more you try to save your M to more you’ll fail because she will resist you in her current state. She wants to opposite of what you want so she will do the opposite of what you say because she thinks you are only looking out for your best interest, not her’s.

Honestly, if I was in your shoes I’d start dating myself. Not to hook up, just get coffee, chat, and feed my ego. Your WS may do a 180 herself when she realizes you don’t need her and you can replace her as easy as she replaced you.

If she knows you are waiting for her she will never come but the minute you shut the door to her she will come banging it down.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,783 Posts
... I guess what I'd like to get out of this is how a man, who's gentle, kind and compassionate, is supposed to deal with the wife who is now on an extended absence (okay, sex tour as one of you put it) with a suitor...
This seems to be the basic question you are posing.

How about asking yourself what kind of person you want to be down the road, say five years from you. Think of the adjectives you'd like to use to describe yourself. And then make a conscious decision to work toward those.

Your W is making changes for herself that are self-destructive and will not result in a happy end for her probably. If you follow her on her path, you will wind up with your own unhappy end.

Try to separate yourself from her in your thoughts. Try to remember that you are an independent person, separate from her, whether you are in a marriage or not. Decide to be who you want to be just for yourself and work towards that. Your wife could come along with you. Who can tell?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
563 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
This is very good advice. I'm sad that my wife will come to no good end from this. She may destroy everything we have, all to discover that this was not what she really needed. But I need to focus on me.

I am compiling the list of adjectives I'll use to describe myself 5 years from now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
956 Posts
Your wife will or may want you back when?

When you are gone, moved on, far ahead, became a man and said "i need better, deserve better, know there is better, going out to find better, see ya"

When she is alone after that OM dumps her like trash, she will be ALONE and realize what she lost and say "why did I do this? can i have him back, i am sure he will take me back, i just need to be sincere and apologize"

Well guess what, you're gone, and by the time she comes back to you, you'll be done with her and moved on to bigger and better things!

When you have a lame employer who constantly over uses, abuses and works you without proper remuneration, you leave. Sure you can take a little less if the business is struggling but if your employer is a stingy abuser than you leave. When you leave and take a job that pays twice as much and works you half as much do you consider going back? Your old employer says

"No wait wait, what if I pay you this, will you come back? What if you work these hours, will you come back?"

"Sorry, I've moved on and so should you." Go find another dumb person to use and abuse.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,656 Posts
Well - you know I'm in your other thread and I've used the words "man up" several times in my post to you. I'm not telling you to physically man up, to literally throw her stuff on the lawn (although it's not a bad idea). I'm telling you that you need to find the fortitude to demand better for yourself, to not accept the boat load of disrespect she is shipping your way. I'm telling you that IMO you need to pick a direction - any direction - and ACT!! Do SOMETHING to make YOUR situation what YOU want it to be. Is that scary? It can be. Is the outcome certain? Nope. But what is certain is that if you fiddle while Rome burns all you're going to end up with is a pile of ashes.

I've also related "maning up" or a lack there of the attracting or repelling your wife. Women - everyone really - respond to a leader, to someone who says "I'm going that way, come on or step aside." I'm not saying you have to turn yourself into a Lombardi or Patton over night but make a decision, wishy washy just isn't sexy.
Stop being the victim sums it all up.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,783 Posts
Aren't we victims, though?
We are all unwitting victims at some point in our lives. Things happen that we can't control - life happens.

But we don't have to make conscious decisions to be victimized. As long as we can exercise some free will, we don't have to stay in situations that do us more harm than good.

If you can force yourself to detach emotionally as much as possible from your wife, you'll perhaps be able to measure the harm vs. the good.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
563 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
To some extent, yes. But some people (you?) continue to allow themselves to be victimized while others learn from the "crime" and protect themselves. That is what you need to do.
I think you may be at a disadvantage because you don't know the whole story; perhaps you haven't read the original post. I brought this on myself, to some degree, by not having sex with my wife. She could, after many years of putting up with this, no longer stand it. She tried to get me to pursue her, but I wouldn't go there. I ignored her need.

So, that is not to justify what she's done. What she's done is clearly wrong, but she had something driving her to do it, and it was me. So part of my "wallowing" has been my own remorse at my part in this equation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
Aren't we victims, though?
There's being victimized by someone, which means someone did something bad to you. Nothing more, nothing less. It doesn't mean you roll over and continue to allow them to victimize you. That's.......

Then there's being a victim, or having a victim type mentality. Where you live in a woe is me world and allow the people who hurt you to continue to hurt you.

You're wife victimized you.
YOU are allowing yourself to continue to be a victim.

You're making a mistake I made when my ex treated me like a doormat. You're associating being nice, gentle, kind hearted, laid back with having no back bone. I learned, and become VERY strong, that I am 100% a gentle, nice, kind hearted, laid back man. And those are qualities that are PHENOMENAL and worth a great deal in a relationship. Recognizing the worth in those traits helped me to develop my back bone and realize just how much of a commodity I actually am.

I'm a giving lover, I make sure my partner is taken care of EVERYTIME and in EVERY WAY.
I'm kind
I'm gentle
I'm passionate
I'm kind hearted
I'm non confrontational (unless...see below)
etc.
etc.
I'm a "Nice guy".

But I also know how much those qualities are worth so I REFUSE to be a
Doormat
Wimp
A Victim

I am confrontational if someone takes me for granted, because I'm worth more.

Find your inner worth. THAT'S what your missing.
Stop not wanting to fight with your wife because you're "nice". Why can't a nice gentle man fight for his value?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
190 Posts
I think you may be at a disadvantage because you don't know the whole story; perhaps you haven't read the original post. I brought this on myself, to some degree, by not having sex with my wife. She could, after many years of putting up with this, no longer stand it. She tried to get me to pursue her, but I wouldn't go there. I ignored her need.

So, that is not to justify what she's done. What she's done is clearly wrong, but she had something driving her to do it, and it was me. So part of my "wallowing" has been my own remorse at my part in this equation.
Maybe you could validate this ^ if she made the decision to divorce you. She chose to instead have an intimate relationship with another man. Millions of people are in sexless marriages and
they remain faithful.

P.s. I did read your first post




This ^ is not her get out of jail free card. You are her husband, call her and demand she return home immediately before you do XYZ. Why are you waiting til her Sex-cation is over?
.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,915 Posts
She may destroy everything we have, all to discover that this was not what she really needed.
What exactly DO you have. Other than a history together, what do you think you have that can be salvaged or saved?

You should be prepared to get a divorce or you can continue to sit at home and watch her play the field.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
28,963 Posts
Gentility? Right, I see where you are coming from. Gentility is bred into many of us Brits from childhood.:D

For example, it means apologising to someone when they bumped into you.

However, this can limit what would be a valid response to a situation that you find yourself in.

"Well, children, it's like this, your mother is a....." Well, yes. How do you tell your children what their mother is?

And don't they deserve to know?

Chances are they might already be well aware and are wondering why daddy hasn't done anything about her cheating ways, yet?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
956 Posts
I think you may be at a disadvantage because you don't know the whole story; perhaps you haven't read the original post. I brought this on myself, to some degree, by not having sex with my wife. She could, after many years of putting up with this, no longer stand it. She tried to get me to pursue her, but I wouldn't go there. I ignored her need.

So, that is not to justify what she's done. What she's done is clearly wrong, but she had something driving her to do it, and it was me. So part of my "wallowing" has been my own remorse at my part in this equation.

Oh please please, this is not your fault. In no way shape or form should a spouse seek other measures to satisfy their sexual desires. That gives them NO JUSTIFICATION whatsoever to cheat!



Look at what it took to get you to wake up from being a boring husband, cheating, that's EXTREME, immoral and hurtful! There are other extreme measures, like getting raped from a sexually frustrated spouse, may be wrong, may be immoral but at least its with you and not some sick dirty, infested OM!

Now what you need to do to wake up your spouse by going EXTREME.


I will quote Good Will Hunting
"All of this, it's not your fault........It's not your fault........It's not your fault......Look....It's not your fault.....No, it's not your fault"
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
You don't need muscles or anything other than a desire to be treated fairly and with respect. Your wife is not treating you with respect. She chose to leave the marriage, and he is gone. It's not about you waiting to see her plans when she returns, she already told you she has left. She chose to cheat, she chose to not honor her vows. She chose to no longer be married.

It's now up to you to accept this and show her that her choices carry consequences.

1. She is no longer welcome at home.
2. You no longer give her the gift of being your friend or wife. You will no longer share confidences with her, or pick up after her, or do little favors, or answer her calls, or be he companion,

Those are all gifts you give to you wife, but she chose not to be your wife,so they are done.

Ok, you don't. Have a lot of cash. So be it. Bankruptcy isn't the end of world. Heck, didn't Donald Trump do it a couple of times?

You simply need to tell her: i no longer am your friend. What you've done is something only enemies do to a person, so I now know where we stand and I will be treating you accordingly.
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top