[ItAintEZ]

I have what I would bet is a very Unique Situation. My wife and I have been married for12 years and dated for about 12 years before that. We have NEVER been intimate. Without going into details, it was not my decision.

I approached it a number of times with my wife and she dodged the subject. My suspicions were that she had been sexually abused, but she never wanted to discuss it. I moved away to start a new business in a place i had always wanted to live. It was not an instant move, it was at first 2 weeks a month and after a few years I found an apartment and only spent about 3 weeks with her in the last year.

After about 6 months of living alone, I realized that I was not sexually attracted to my wife and that I never would be... that ship has sailed. I love her, but I realized we had become best friends... that's it!

I told her I wanted a divorce six months ago. I explained why, we went to a marriage counselor - that was no help. The plain simple answer was that while I love her and care about her... We were never going to have a complete marriage. I am 52, and knew that I wanted a full relationship with someone.

I have since met a friend that has become more than just friendly. I never sought this, it just happened.

My wife has, over the last six months, ignored the Divorce issue, even though I brought it up about a half a dozen times. Recently I think she 'got it". She surprised me with a visit where I live now, and I told her I wanted a divorce and very clearly explained that I was just not attracted to her. She is a beautiful lady, but she is my best friend. (I have a number of beautiful lady friends that I would never think of becoming involved in as we are just friends.) Sadly, the ship has sailed on that part of our relationshhp. It was a painfiul conversation for both of us, one we have had before, but this time I didn't pull any punches and made it very clear...

She said that she now considered us "seperated". For legal, financial and insurance reasons we decided to wait a while before we divorced. I am definitly in my mind and heart know that their is no hope of reconciliation. (I don't want to discuss dating someoene else with my wife as I know it will bring another wave of hurt and pain that she doesn't need at this point.)

I am now more involved with this other woman, care for and about her a lot and she feels the same way. i have resisited having sex with her, as I still felt that my wife had not "gotten it" .

I want to take this relationship to the next level... 20+ years without sex has been a big enough break for me!

Am I wrong for having gotten involved as I have. My heart yearns for more, but I'm not a dirt bag. I NEVER cheated on my wife, i was fiercly loyal to her. But I need and crave the touch, feel and sex with a woman that I care about. I'm not a guy that wants one night stands etc

We probably should have divorced years ago, but I held onto hope that she would come around...

Your thoughts...

Thanks!

PS - not sure if there is a spell check on this... sorry for any typos!

 

[zappy88200]

It is very unique....you never had SEX with her in the last 24 years?

 

[ItAintEZ]

Yes... never... I know that seems impossible... But it's the honest to God truth!

 

[zappy88200]

I don't know what to say Brother.....never heard of that.

You have spent so much time with her and do you think it will be easy for you to just forget her and move on in your life when the golden moments of your life were spent with her?

I am always against divorce, no matter what brother...always.

Zappy

 

[vi_bride04]

As a guy, why would you even put up with not having sex for 20+ years???

:scratchhead:

 

[ItAintEZ]

I guess that does seem weird... It's a combination of loving her, having a gut feeling that she had been hurt sexually and not wanting to make it worse, coupled with codependence...

 

[ItAintEZ]

Zappy, My hope is that we can still, after we divorce and have some closure, remain good friends. I feel I have a lot more life to be lived!

 

[EleGirl]

Your situation is a bit unusual. We have had some people come here who have not had sex in their marriage, but not for a long as in your situation. We've had a lot of people, male/female who have been in a sexless marriage that started out the sex but then for one reason or another sex ended. Some have gone years in this situation.

You are already in an emotional affair (EA) and want to start a physical affair (PA). I think that you will feel better if you get a divorce. My gut tells me that you will have a problem with yourself having a PA and not telling your wife out it.

Legally if you file for a divorce, it's not considered infidelity.

Another thing that you and your wife could do is to file for a legal separation. This way you are not divorced but you have established a legal boundary.

What are you waiting for to file for divorce? Until your wife is ok with it? At some point you need to drop the co-dependence and make a decision on your own. You do not need her to agree with the divorce for you to get one.

 

[vi_bride04]

So you guys never consummated the marriage on the honeymoon?

The 12 years prior to being married still no intimacy? And if so, why did you get married? Pressure from friends/family? Just thought you should b/c you were together so long?

I don't understand why anyone would marry someone if they were never intimate. Do you kiss? Do you hold hands? Is there any oral??? I'm just so confused by this thread, I apologize if you feel my questions are too invasive.

 

[Maneo]

sounds like you desire a full relationship with a woman - mental, emotional, and physical.
You do not have that with your wife of many years and seems unlikely you will ever have that.
You are with a woman now with whom that full relationship seems possible.
You have three options:
-Divorce
-An Affair
-No divorce, no affair, status quo
Your call pal.
What I or anyone else would do in the situation as presented by you is irrelevant because none of us have to live with the repercussions of any one of those courses of action.
My only advice would be to be honest with yourself and go the direction that honesty points.
No right or wrong answer. Appears to me someone is hurt whatever direction you take.
My own personal experience has been it is possible to remain on positive terms and friendly with an ex but that is no predictor the same would be true for you.
Good luck.

 

[ItAintEZ]

Elegirl,
I have pre-existing medical issues and have insurance through her work. I have my own companies, but insurance is ridiculously expensive... We are trying to figure that part out. I have told her in no uncertain terms that I want a divorce and plan on it... I have definitely made this decision on my own...

 

[ItAintEZ]

vi_bride04,
I ask myself the same question. I really think it's the codependence that got me in this trouble. Not wanting to hurt her, trying to fix her issues...

It feels weird to hold hands, like I'm holding hands with my Sister. She is 1700 miles away so it makes kissing, oral or holding hands hard. Though none of those really happen. Kissing hello or good bye or goodnight when we see are together - yes, but not "making out"...

I know it's confusing.... I had ways of justifying it... And I'm not saying it was smart or right... It was... and now I think it was a mistake...

 

[Hope1964]

So your wife is ok, and thinks you should be ok, with a totally sexless relationship?? Does she realize that this is WAY outside the norm?

There is one more choice here:
-Divorce
-An Affair
-No divorce, no affair, status quo
- Work on the problem with your wife

Are you saying that you have no desire to ever try and rekindle sexual desire for your wife? Or did you never have it?

This type of thing is so far out of my understanding I can't fathom it.

 

[EleGirl]

Elegirl,
I have pre-existing medical issues and have insurance through her work. I have my own companies, but insurance is ridiculously expensive... We are trying to figure that part out. I have told her in no uncertain terms that I want a divorce and plan on it... I have definitely made this decision on my own...

Some states have what's called a legal separation. You would still be legally married so you can stay on her medical insurance. But you can separate your assets, debts, so froth now. When you are ready to finally get a divorce it's pretty streight forward because most, if not all, of the work is already done.

She, or you, would just have to double check with the insurance to make sure that in your state she can still carry you. I know that in CA you could stay on her insurance with a legal separation.

Once Obama care kicks in, 2014 I think, I don't think that you would have this problem.

Have you check to see if your state has a high risk insurance pool? Many do. We have a very good one here in New Mexico. I had to use it years ago because I had a pre-existing condition and stated a business.

 

[ItAintEZ]

Hope1964,
i have tried to work on this with my wife... She does not engage... Imagine trying to develop feelings out of the ether that you don't have... Imagine trying to have sexual feelings for the person that sits in the cubicle next to you... They may be your best friend, but that doesn't create a feeling of sexual desire... Sadly that ship has sailed...

 

[ItAintEZ]

EleGirl...where i live they do not have Legal Separation... not sure why... That would be a nice option

 

[EleGirl]

Have you spoken to an attorney to see if there is any kind of thing similar to legal separation?

 

[Serenity_Prayer]

My sister is in a platonic marriage so it's not unheard of. I find it strange and hard to believe, and figure it must be out of feelings of guilt or obligation. Good luck to you, it's a difficult thing. As for the other woman, get your divorce first to keep yourself honest. Good marriage or not, you'll feel better about yourself in the long run.