[joa]

I have been married for three years. When my husband and I were dating he talked about all of the goals he had. I did my best to motivate him but it didn't work. He complains about his job but won't look for a new one. While I was training for my present position, he was unemployed for 4 months but didn't even put together a resume. I feel like he is so codependent, and I am sick of being his mother. He shuts down when I tried to talk to him about my concerns even though I approach the subject cautiously. He doesn't have sex with me and rarely shows affection. He says he wants kids, but I don't with him. He won't even let the dogs out in the morning. I know I would be raising them by myself, and I don't even think he knows what a checkbook/online bill pay is. If I don't pay the bill, it doesn't get paid. I really am starting to resent him and Sundays because I know I will have to spend time with him. Your advice is appreciated. Thanks!

 

[Dewayne76]

Sounds like autopilot.

Light a fire under his tail.

Have you tried a heart to heart talk with him?

May want to try to get to counseling.

I am co-dependant and know the feeling. If you drop his world into the tank, let him realize he's losing you, he may wake up. That's what it took for me... however my wife cheated as well and I'm looking at the yellow envelope now with D papers in it.

I've bought every book I can afford, went to 2 different counselors and found my faith in god again and doing everything I can to better myself. Got rid of my anger, started loving people again (still working on that one ) and made a ton of changes already.

It worked for me, but I feel it's too late for me.

Counseling, among other things can very well bring it all back for you guys. Don't be so quick to give up, work on it. Get the help you guys need.


Good luck.

 

[LiamN]

What you are looking for is a life filled with motivation, achievement and goals. Rather than trying to get that from your husband, go out and seek it for yourself. Decide what YOU want in your life. Start taking action to achieve it. Do some courses, network with others.
When your husband sees what you are doing he will have two choices - be inspired to join you or not. Let him know you still love him (if you do) but that you are not going to wait around and be dependent on him for happiness in your life.
Whether he joins you or not in the journey, the result will be a much more positive outcome for you.

 

[joa]

I have tried to talk to him about my concerns, but he shuts down. I am always careful with my communication tactics because I do not want to hurt his feelings, but he gets defensive and goes outside to smoke. I think he may be depressed, and I discussed counseling/treatment for that. He won't go. As a person who has suffered from depression since I was a teenager (thankfully it is under control with medication and therapy), I know you can't force a person to get help.

 

[A little angel's Dad]

I am starting to hate my wife with a passion

I married a woman who I thought loved my daughter. now she is making my daughter's life a living emotionally abusive hell. My daughter is 9. What should I do?:scratchhead:

 

[Waking up to life]

Re: I am starting to hate my wife with a passion

I married a woman who I thought loved my daughter. now she is making my daughter's life a living emotionally abusive hell. My daughter is 9. What should I do?:scratchhead:

You should start your own new thread about this. This question doesn't belong here as a reply to the current topic.

 

[pink_lady]

My situation is similar except my husband has been unemployed for 10 months and has shown zero interest in supporting himself.

I also feel like a mother to a teenage boy who will not take any responsibility for anything. He also talked the talk about his future goals when we were dating. At this point his goals revolve around his pet projects, but he has no interest in making a living off them.

Trying to talk to them is just 'nagging'. I don't bother anymore.

From what I've read on this forum, men who do this usually do not change.

You are right to NOT have children with this man. Once you do that, its so much harder to leave. Sometimes I wonder if that is why these men always say they want to have kids.

 

[4311]

joa, you should do two things, at least for now. One, read, and then read again Dewayne76's post - I can tell it comes from experience. Second, counseling. Make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Don't talk or have a debate about it with your husband. Just find a marriage counselor, call and make an appointment when you know both of you will be able to make it then give him the info and tell him you will be there and if he is interested turning your marriage around he will be there as well. Then you just need to show up, even if he says he won't. Don't worry about his responsibility, you just show up. If he's there, then great, you guys can start to have a meaningful conversation led by someone who has experience and knows what they are doing. If he doesn't show up, well, then you can start setting up counseling sessions just for you - you will need them either way. Believe me when I say this is the first thing you need to do. You, just like most of us, do not have the experience to handle complicated relationship matters without guidance and knowledge - that's what you will get from a counselor. Do you want to save your marriage? I can tell from your tone that if something doesn't change soon someone is going to stray outside the marriage, a divorce lawyer is going to be called, or both. Take action, and take it now. Make the appt.

 

[ankh]

Joa:

It sounds like you haven't got hubby's attention yet. You are either too quiet about getting him to look and listen or your board isn't big or heavy enough to touch a few sensory nerve cells. Either way, you have a child there, living in a grown man's body. He needs to 'Man-up' and realize he's married now and that life is now about him being a mature grown up instead of a kid.