[lovestoomuch]

After reading many relationship forums I realize my story is pretty common. I am a female married to a man who almost never wants sex or affection. I have nicely let him know how I need that to be happy in our relationship for years. We have been married 6.5 years. I am 40. ( don't look it) He is 34.

We have had many hard issues like him working out of town, him cheating, him doing meth and lying, etc but even sticking it out through all of that and him being home at least on the weekends now we still only have sex about every six weeks. That's not enough for me. I don't think he is cheating on me anymore but he does seem to be happy with porn and not with me.

I am open minded in bed. I have tried to find ways to liven things up. I have asked to do role playing. I have broke down and said I would watch porn with him. He says no to everything. I have asked for an open relationship since his needs are met , but not mine and I get the silent treatment.

He won't go to counseling. I try not to be a nag and ask nicely for my needs to be met. He wont perform oral on me even though I will for him. It's not a hygiene issue either. I have had rave reviews in the past from men with my performance on all levels and my hygiene. I can even shave myself bald down there and he wont have anything to do with me.

He hasn't french kissed me in so long I cant remember how long it's been now. He comes home on the weekend and I will get a hug and a fast peck. He says he is too tired and too busy for sex but he always has time for partying, fishing, video games, and his friends on the weekends when it's his only time with me.

ANy advice other than leaving?

 

[Trying2figureitout]

Have you simply asked him WTF?

Seriously what are his reasons for not wanting sex with you his wife?

 

[lovestoomuch]

He just says he is tired and must have low testosterone. He won't ever go to a DR though. It doesn't seem like a man with low testosterone would always have been on porn on his cell phone and computer,,,,, I know if men watch porn to much they say some of them get to where they can't get turned on by real woman. That's my only real guess.

He just is happy with it and doesn't seem to care that I am not getting any affection and am hurting from it. I don't see how someone could be really happy the rest of their life with images and their hand, not ever having real human contact.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

ANy advice other than leaving?

Nope, not sure WHY you're so adamant about staying in a relationship/marriage with a man who (by your OWN admission):

1. Almost NEVER wants sex or affection, but you still want him.

2. Has cheated on you, and you took him back, and you still want him.

3. Has done meth, and you still want him.

4. ....and lied about it, and you still want him.

5. Is not currently cheating on you (you THINK...but you're not sure), and you still want him.

6. Has exposed you to STDs and life-threatening illness, and you still want him.

7. Wants to watch porn INSTEAD of having sex with you, and you still want him.

8. Is NOT interested in satisfying you sexually, and you still want him.

9. Is too tired/busy for sex, but NOT too busy to hang out drinking, partying, playing with his friends, and you still want him.

Look, lovestoomuch, your husband has NO RESPECT FOR YOU. Why should he? No matter how much cr*p he pulls on you, no matter sh*tty he treats you, you just take it. And ask politely for him to pay attention to you. And rug-sweep all his totally unacceptable misbehavior (DRUGS? ADULTERY? ...for REAL?)

WHY should your husband listen to you. He can (figuratively) kick your teeth in, and you'd ask him if he wants you to swallow your teeth or would he rather you spit them out! He has NO RESPECT FOR YOU because YOU have NO RESPECT FOR YOURSELF.

WHY ARE YOU SO AFRAID of living without him? Why is your only solution that you cannot leave this lying, cheating, drug-using ABUSER? Do you REALLY think that you'll never get any man except him? You'd be better off alone! Do you think that marriage is FOREVER no matter how bad the abuse? You ARE being abused (drugs, cheating, lying, exposing you to disease, refusing to emotionally connect with you) whether YOU CAN SEE IT OR NOT.

Let's say someone comes on this forum, whips out a magic wand, and tells you HOW to hang in there and not leave this marriage. Just what the h*ll have you saved???

Nothing short of a lobotomy could get a self-respecting woman to voluntarily stay in this situation. PLEASE get yourself some help from a therapist/counselor.

 

[Trying2figureitout]

He just says he is tired and must have low testosterone. He won't ever go to a DR though. It doesn't seem like a man with low testosterone would always have been on porn on his cell phone and computer,,,,, I know if men watch porn to much they say some of them get to where they can't get turned on by real woman. That's my only real guess.

He just is happy with it and doesn't seem to care that I am not getting any affection and am hurting from it. I don't see how someone could be really happy the rest of their life with images and their hand, not ever having real human contact.

Here is what you should do....

Type him out a list of demands.

1. Go see doctor about low-T
2. No porn
3. SEX this much
4. SEX this way
5. You get the picture

Seriously.

Tell him if demands aren't met by a certain date you will file for divorce him and not look back
Tell him he has disrespected you and this is not up for negotiation.

Play hard ball.

He needs a SERIOUS wake-up call. So do you. Stand up for yourself.

 

[lovestoomuch]

It has to do with the fact we have two kids together and he treats them wonderful when he is home. They feel love and are oblivious because I hide it all well from them. I also keeping trying to have hope there is some solution that can keep my family together. I don't believe kids are better without both parents unless one parent or the kids life is in danger. I don't believe he is doing the meth or cheating anymore. If he is he is the master of hiding it right now.
Plus, I am in a situation with a disease now that keeps me from working. I can't stand the thought of my kids having to live in a homeless shelter with me. That is the worst! I couldn't make it on the child support I would get and I already live modestly. So many factors involved really.

 

[Trying2figureitout]

It has to do with the fact we have two kids together and he treats them wonderful when he is home. They feel love and are oblivious because I hide it all well from them. I also keeping trying to have hope there is some solution that can keep my family together. I don't believe kids are better without both parents unless one parent or the kids life is in danger. I don't believe he is doing the meth or cheating anymore. If he is he is the master of hiding it right now.
Plus, I am in a situation with a disease now that keeps me from working. I can't stand the thought of my kids having to live in a homeless shelter with me. That is the worst! I couldn't make it on the child support I would get and I already live modestly. So many factors involved really.

Kids are not in a good environment. You need to fix this or leave him.

 

[lovestoomuch]

I really do picture being homeless a worse environment. That's why I asked if anyone had suggestions other than leaving, but thanks for your advice.

 

[Trying2figureitout]

People wont change until forced to change..... time to stand firm and test if he is willing to change or nothing changes.

I had to get to the point I was not afraid to lose my wife before positive changes occurred in her. That happened about a year ago. Wasn't good enough so I basically left her and was on the way to Divorce on Sunday for two minutes before we got back on the marriage path now things are better and we are ready to move forward together. Have a checkpoint in January as a follow-up to our mutual decision.
Hold your spouse accountable. Fix your marriage.


Either accept what you have OR choose to FIX your marriage.
But you have to be mentally prepared for failure too.
Your spouse has to know you aren't bluffing.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

he treats them wonderful when he is home

Except that he is out of town a lot and when he IS home on weekends...

He comes home on the weekend...but he always has time for partying, fishing, video games, and his friends on the weekends when it's his only time with me.

They feel love and are oblivious because I hide it all well from them. I also keeping trying to have hope there is some solution that can keep my family together.

Your children must be VERY YOUNG; you cannot hide this kind of behavior from them forever. Your husband is NOT going to walk away from this kind of behavior after 6.5 years JUST BECAUSE you'd like him to; there is NO reason for him to change his behavior (or for you to BELIEVE he has). As someone else on TAM once stated 'HOPE is NOT a plan'.

I don't believe kids are better without both parents unless one parent or the kids life is in danger.

Do you think your EMOTIONAL life is NOT on life-support, because it most assuredly IS.

I don't believe he is doing the meth or cheating anymore. If he is he is the master of hiding it right now.

Is this a case of 'see no evil'??? Like a little kid who hides their eyes and thinks, 'If I can't see them, they can't see me.'

'I am in a situation with a disease now that keeps me from working. I can't stand the thought of my kids having to live in a homeless shelter with me. That is the worst! I couldn't make it on the child support I would get and I already live modestly.

I am sorry your health is compromised. Have you LOOKED INTO programs offered by shelters for abused women? You ARE abused. have you checked into SOCIAL SERVICE programs in your community? Have you looked into church-based programs in your community? Would your family be able/willing to help you and your children? Have you been honest with them about your husband's drug abuse, cheating, and emotional abuse?

Contact a mental health professional (check with a women's shelter or crisis hotline for help accessing services) and get some professional help to get your legs under you. You REALLY NEED to leave this cr*ppy, emotionally-damaging marriage with your dignity intact. Your children NEED you to SHOW THEM HOW A MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO WORK. You and your H are modelling adult behavior, married behavior for your children; God help them if THIS is the only marriage they see. THEY WILL REPLICATE THIS BEHAVIOR in their own marriages. Could you STAND to watch THEM go through this in their OWN marriages?

 

[lovestoomuch]

Nobody in my family will help me and would be angry if they had too. My mother gave us the money to buy this land now the house payment is attached to it. I would lose $42 in equity if I lost my house and they would never speak to me again. I really shouldn't even have to explain why all I can't leave when I asked for other options. I have called shelters and they have said my life wasn't in danger. I would have to take my kids to the homeless shelter with real druggies and severe alcoholic homeless men. And that is a better environment for my kids. You can take your kids to one. NO THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I asked for advice on other options because I have weighed all of mine already and asked for help. I didn't come here to be judged like I don't know what is worse for my kids. He would never hurt, rape or harm them. I would never sleep at night over fear of my kids safety. My kids are in no danger now but I sure can see CPS pulling them out of a homeless shelter if I am unable to have a home for them...... last time I will reach out to help on a board. This is no help and it's really not yall's right to judge me.

And some people aren't stupid if they believe in love enough that they hope there might be a solution or hope. People used to call that for better or worse and real love that never fails. Now people who love and hope love will finally win out are made to look bad if they don't leave. Sad. I have heard of some great marriages where one person never gave up. Sad most everyone on help forums tries to push people into divorce saying there is no hope.

 

[3Xnocharm]

For better or worse does not mean that you are required to tolerate neglect, drug abuse and infidelity. For better or worse means serious illness, job loss, deaths, natural disasters...you know, things that are beyond our control, basically. These things require that you work together and support each other, which is one of the biggest parts of a marriage. The neglect, drug abuse and infidelity are CHOICES that your husband made that fly in the face of your vows. There are vows that ALSO say forsaking all others and honoring and cherishing, and we see NONE of that coming to you from your husband.

You came looking for other options, well, there really arent any others than what has been suggested to you here. You either 1..convice him to work on things so that he changes his attitude toward you and your marriage and eliminates all of those negative actions. 2... Leave. 3...Accept that this misery is what you have purposely chosen for yourself as your life, and stop complaining.

 

[RClawson]

I asked for advice on other options because I have weighed all of mine already and asked for help. I didn't come here to be judged like I don't know what is worse for my kids. He would never hurt, rape or harm them. I would never sleep at night over fear of my kids safety. My kids are in no danger now but I sure can see CPS pulling them out of a homeless shelter if I am unable to have a home for them...... last time I will reach out to help on a board. This is no help and it's really not yall's right to judge me.

And some people aren't stupid if they believe in love enough that they hope there might be a solution or hope. People used to call that for better or worse and real love that never fails. Now people who love and hope love will finally win out are made to look bad if they don't leave. Sad. I have heard of some great marriages where one person never gave up. Sad most everyone on help forums tries to push people into divorce saying there is no hope.

This is not about judging you. This is about giving you a reality check. There are no magic bullets at this forum but the situation you describe is one that we see here all the time. Guess what? We see your reaction all the time as well. Your husband obviously does not have a high drive and evidently it is not important enough for him to work on and he feels perfectly safe knowing that you are not going to do anything drastic in order to change it and evidently you aren't.

It would appear that despite that fact that you crave physical intimacy with him more than on every 45 days the safety net of having your family together is more important. Based on all of this I really do not think there is any further advice to be given beyond what has already be said.

I do wish you well but I think you may want to do a 180 on your spouse.

 

[that_girl]

I would believe him to be cheating again. Or at least "checked out" of our relationship.

It would be rough, but he'd have to go.

Well, the METH would have been the deal breaker for me. And the cheating.

 

[ladybird]

He just says he is tired and must have low testosterone. He won't ever go to a DR though. It doesn't seem like a man with low testosterone would always have been on porn on his cell phone and computer,,,,, I know if men watch porn to much they say some of them get to where they can't get turned on by real woman. That's my only real guess.

He just is happy with it and doesn't seem to care that I am not getting any affection and am hurting from it. I don't see how someone could be really happy the rest of their life with images and their hand, not ever having real human contact.

If he had low T, or no drive, he wouldn't need porn, looking at porn is implicating that he still has a sex drive and still wants sex!

Some men can't get turned on my a real woman. It has to do with brain chemistry, they will need more and more to get aroused and they won't get the stimulation needed to get an erection or maintain one.

 

[tom67]

Yea I don't buy this low t thing when he's watching porn I'm 45 and want it every day, well inbetween gf 3days a week I'll take care of things myself watching some

 

[Trying2figureitout]

Nobody in my family will help me and would be angry if they had too. My mother gave us the money to buy this land now the house payment is attached to it. I would lose $42 in equity if I lost my house and they would never speak to me again. I really shouldn't even have to explain why all I can't leave when I asked for other options. I have called shelters and they have said my life wasn't in danger. I would have to take my kids to the homeless shelter with real druggies and severe alcoholic homeless men. And that is a better environment for my kids. You can take your kids to one. NO THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I asked for advice on other options because I have weighed all of mine already and asked for help. I didn't come here to be judged like I don't know what is worse for my kids. He would never hurt, rape or harm them. I would never sleep at night over fear of my kids safety. My kids are in no danger now but I sure can see CPS pulling them out of a homeless shelter if I am unable to have a home for them...... last time I will reach out to help on a board. This is no help and it's really not yall's right to judge me.

And some people aren't stupid if they believe in love enough that they hope there might be a solution or hope. People used to call that for better or worse and real love that never fails. Now people who love and hope love will finally win out are made to look bad if they don't leave. Sad. I have heard of some great marriages where one person never gave up. Sad most everyone on help forums tries to push people into divorce saying there is no hope.

There is always hope... I did not listen to the divorce crowd and I will turn my marriage around... so can you.

BUT you have to get to the point you are not afraid to lose him and technically my wife and I did divorce for two minutes because I didn't like her responses to my queries of her... before she realized hmmm maybe not such a great idea. Put the odds in your favor and don't be afraid to pull the trigger.
You have to be strong and decisive.

 

[ladybird]

I went through this with my husband for 3 freaking years!

After talking and fighting about it, constantly i finally had enough of the bull****, and I left.

Doing this woke my husband up to reality real fast, however I was done, I was going to file for D when i could (have to wait 3 months here) He went to marriage counselling alone, I decided to give it a 100th try and went with him, even though we were not living in the same house.

You can not make empty threats, if you make an empty threat that is all it is, things will not change, I mean why should they there are no consequences. You have to follow through no matter how hard it is to do.

You have to come to a point where enough is enough! That you deserve better then this. You deserve a man to love you and cherish you always.

I know exactly how you feel and I know exactly where you are right now. I know how much this dealing with a selfish ass hat hurts.

If you want to talk you can pm me, i am usually on atleast once a day if not more =)

 

[lovestoomuch]

Thanks everyone. If I really felt like I had the option of a real place to go I would play hardball. Sometimes life puts us in situations that are more difficult than others to remedy. There is also no section housing here or a waiting list because it was all filled up by Katrina victims. ( I am in Texas). I do think it's very wrong for someone to take advantage of someone else in a situation when they know they have them stuck. It's not love and I would never do that to him if the roles were reversed.

Maybe next year when my youngest child starts school I can find a work from home job. I have tried and I just can't with a loud kid. I also just never know what days I will feel sick or ok enough to do anything. Yesterday I was in bad pain and was dizzy. I have tried to get on disability and they are making it so hard. I have a lot of symptoms of MS but when a DR had an MRI done they didn't do it correctly. I am not lazy I swear. If I could hold down a real normal job I would!!!!!

 

[kipani]

Lovestoomuch your name is very appropriate. This man doesn't deserve your love! LOVE YOURSELF! Not to sound like a cliche but NEVER make somebody a priority who only makes you an option. Do NOT make excuses for this man. Put your foot down!

By the way.. Sometimes when the sex life has gone down, cheating is happening. Also happens when the sex gets crazy.

It does not take ONE person to fix a relationship - it takes TWO and he is NOT trying!