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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Why men cheat on their wives? Emotional disconnection? Bad sex? Wife unattractive? What's the real reason men cheat? Did you ever cheat in your wife? Why? For how long? Did you ever though about leaving your wife to stay with your lover?
 

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The answer is all of those, one of those, or any combination of them. As with anything in life, everybody's motivations are different.

I would venture a guess and say that the #1 reason anybody cheats is due to lack of self esteem, either chronically, or just at that point in their lives. Maybe the marriage isn't going so well, or your partner just isn't meeting your needs. Having an affair is a quick fix, whereas communication and working on the marriage is "hard". People often take the easy route in life, unfortunately.

Also, affairs are rarely about sex, and only sex. It's about all the things that come with it - interest in you, something new and exciting, the feelings one has when they meet somebody they have an interest in and vice versa, etc. Basically, everything that the beginning of your relationship with your spouse once was.

The closest I ever came to infidelity was during my first marriage, I had a one-sided EA with a friend of ours. She was also a co-worker of mine, which made contact with her very regular and often. At that time, I had no idea what an EA was (thanks, TAM!), and I can honestly say I never put the moves on her, nor insinuated that I had any interest in her, in that way. But I looked forward to seeing her, spending time with her, etc. I'd almost get excited at times, just like when you meet somebody new that you want to date. Oddly enough, I didn't have sexual fantasies about her, either. I think I viewed her as more than that. I didn't want to have sex with her, I wanted to be with her, be around her, spend time with her. I have no doubt that, had we known each other under different circumstances at that time, we would have been a great couple.

I say "one-sided", but I believe very strongly that she also felt the same way. A few months after my ex wife and I split up, she and I were talking a lot, and started spending time with each other, but nothing ever came of it. I think we were friends for too long and by that time, it would have been awkward. It WAS awkward. There was this air of tension when we hung out, almost like one of us was waiting for the other to make the first move, but both deathly afraid that we would ruin a friendship if we were wrong. But I'm positive the feelings were mutual.

Both of us were married to narcissistic jerks who cheated on us, and our marriages ended similarly (and within a few months of each other, too). We had a million things in common (music, upbringing, fathers died when we were young, love of animals, and too much more to list without me sounding too wistful...). I don't view her as "the one that got away" at all, but rather as "the one who wasn't meant to be".

And that's how people like this should be, if anything. Not AP's, not homewreckers. But some people can't help themselves and go for it if the opportunity arises, justifying their behaviour based on how their spouse treats them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Also, affairs are rarely about sex, and only sex. It's about all the things that come with it - interest in you, something new and exciting, the feelings one has when they meet somebody they have an interest in and vice versa, etc. Basically, everything that the beginning of your relationship with your spouse once was.

Very interesting point of view.:nerd:
 

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Ask a dozen wayward husbands and you'll get (at least) a dozen different answers.
 
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:surprise: What's opinion on the subject? >:)0:)
The old saying goes "women cheat for love, men cheat for sex".

I think that's probably a pretty good general rule, though there will obviously be exceptions on both sides.

And if you're asking whether or not I've ever cheated on my wife, then no, I have not.
 

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My opinion from the stance as to why men cheat it is because they are cowards. When I asked myH why he cheated on me he said that he didn't feel the spark anymore, it all felt too routine. I then asked why he didn't talk to me about it instead of the avenue he took and he said he was scared.
I think when it comes to some issues (not all and by no means am I saying all men) men are scared to talk to their wives.
I think women cheat for an emotional connection they feel is lacking.
I think what @GusPolinski said is right there are probably many different reasons why spouses cheat but this is why mine did.



Sent from my iPhone
 

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My opinion from the stance as to why men cheat it is because they are cowards. When I asked myH why he cheated on me he said that he didn't feel the spark anymore, it all felt too routine. I then asked why he didn't talk to me about it instead of the avenue he took and he said he was scared.
I think when it comes to some issues (not all and by no means am I saying all men) men are scared to talk to their wives.
I think women cheat for an emotional connection they feel is lacking.
I think what @GusPolinski said is right there are probably many different reasons why spouses cheat but this is why mine did.
Sent from my iPhone
Right, so it sounds like he was cheating for an emotional connection.

I honestly don't think there are any differences between why men and women cheat. Either will do it for the same reason(s), and none are exclusive to either gender.

Feeling that spark again doesn't have anything to do with sex. It's that feeling of having somebody being interested in you again, paying attention to you, etc.

Yes, your husband was a coward, and took the easiest route possible, rather than communicate with you about how to get that spark back.

But women do this too. This isn't a gender-specific reason for infidelity.

One must be careful to not scapegoat an entire gender for faults each one shares. Here on TAM (as well as IRL), there are far too many people of either gender who blame the opposite sex for this, that or the other thing that may have happened to them (perhaps more than once). There are man-haters and women-haters out there, and that's unfair. It makes about as much sense as being racist. There are s***y people out there, and there are awesome people out there. But it's human nature to stereotype and scapegoat when bad things happen. "Most men are this" "Most women are that". Nah. Maybe just the ones you've come across.
 

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Right, so it sounds like he was cheating for an emotional connection.



I honestly don't think there are any differences between why men and women cheat. Either will do it for the same reason(s), and none are exclusive to either gender.



Feeling that spark again doesn't have anything to do with sex. It's that feeling of having somebody being interested in you again, paying attention to you, etc.



Yes, your husband was a coward, and took the easiest route possible, rather than communicate with you about how to get that spark back.



But women do this too. This isn't a gender-specific reason for infidelity.


Hmm touché
I'm just saying what happened in my case, from perspective. And for him it did end up being physical not emotional. He wanted some variance in routine. But that's not the issue at hand really.

Like I said I there are a number of different reasons why people..both men and women cheat. It seems in a lot of the cases I've seen around me it was emotional for the woman and the man it had more to do with sex itself.
But again there is no right or wrong answer here.

Just my opinion.
 

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The old saying goes "women cheat for love, men cheat for sex".

I think that's probably a pretty good general rule, though there will obviously be exceptions on both sides.
I respectfully disagree, Gus (even though you point out there are exceptions).

Sex - whether via infidelity, or with your spouse, girlfriend or some girl you picked up at a bar - is intrinsically about one's feelings first, even if one doesn't quite realize it, or admit it.

These feelings can be love, or they can be loneliness, a need to boost one's self-esteem, the urge to be desired, or even an ego-driven need to make a conquest. The reasons people have sex vary from person to person, and from moment to moment.

Unless someone is devoid of emotion (ie. a sociopath), there's a mental motivation to have sex in the first place.
 

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Men leave because they are not happy. How they leave is a different question. Some have affairs emotional or physical. Some get wrapped up in their kids or their hobbies. Some walk away.

When you are in that situation and someone tells you that no one else is responsible for your happiness, and that it all comes from inside. It makes the man feel very alone and worthless. It does not encourage working on the relationship. It encourages taking a very long walk.
 

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Hmm touché
I'm just saying what happened in my case, from perspective. And for him it did end up being physical not emotional. He wanted some variance in routine. But that's not the issue at hand really.

Like I said I there are a number of different reasons why people..both men and women cheat. It seems in a lot of the cases I've seen around me it was emotional for the woman and the man it had more to do with sex itself.
But again there is no right or wrong answer here.

Just my opinion.
I get what you're saying. My ex wife also cheated on me, so I know what it feels like, too. And when all was said and done, her motivations were similar, if not the same, as your husbands. Needed to feel that spark again, blah blah blah.

What needs to be said is that men give and receive love/intimacy via sex. Typically women do in other ways. It doesn't make sense to many women, and it certainly makes us men look like we're only interested in one thing, but it's really not the case. Well, it is... but not for the reasons many think.

I want to have sex with my wife every day, but not just for the physical gratification. That certainly plays a part, but if that's the only motivation I may have on one particular day, I have no interest in having sex with her, I'll take care of the physical urge in other ways. In other words, if I'm horny but I'm PO'd at her, I don't want to have sex with her.

From her previous POV, I (and other men) are all about the sex, and just the physical aspect of it. It took years for me to reassure her that I have no interest in simply using her for that purpose. The reality is that this is how I feel the closest to my wife, and there are many many benefits to sex with her, other than just getting off.

So I get that it's easy to think that men only want sex, especially when it's via infidelity, but I assure you, it's more than that, and it's really no different than what women's motivations are.

I'd also like to point out that many betrayed spouses prefer to think of the affair as physical only, as that lessens the emotional impact for them. It's one thing to have sex with somebody you don't have an emotional connection to ("It meant nothing, it was just sex"), it's quite another to think that your spouse shared anything intimate with the OM/OW. It hurts less and it makes us feel better. Unfortunately, that's not the case. There's always an emotional component to it, even if two AP's only ever meet in a hotel room, have sex, and go home.

For various reasons, there are a lot of people out there who see sex as just sex (even with one's spouse). My wife was (or maybe still is) one of those people. They disconnect emotional or intimate feelings from the physical. That's usually from one's experiences. For the first several years of our relationship, sex with my wife was like having sex with a porn star (not that I ever complained!) But there was a noticeable lack of intimacy on her part. It's hard to describe. Her preference at that time, as she told me, was to get pounded. When we had sex, she wanted to be f*****, and not gently, and she'd verbally say so during. Honestly, it was pretty awesome. Over time though, it started to feel not quite right, I guess? Although she more than took care of me, and I certainly didn't feel used, there was a severe lack of emotion and intimacy in this area. It felt like she was doing it for me, like it was a show. Like "this is what men want, right?".

Over the last few years, there has been a noticeable uptick in that area, though. Perhaps because she's slowly come around to sex not just being purely physical. Or more likely, because she's realized that maybe that's not what I (or all men) want. Maybe she was just so used to doing things that she assumed men like in bed, or acted the way she thought we all want. She's more intimate these days, and less verbal, and I actually appreciate sex with her more. The physical aspect was better before, but now there's more of a connection with us during sex, and things are quite balanced at the moment, which is good IMO.

Hell, I've made assumptions about women and sex before, too. I was always under the impression that the longer a man can last, the better he was in bed. We're talking 10, 15, 20 minutes of pumping away. Stamina and staying power is masculine! Look how much I care about your pleasure! Turns out that my wife, in addition to not wanting me to pump away at for 10 minutes, also takes it personally if I don't get off in a certain amount of time. It turns her on to know that I'm so turned on by her that I don't last "forever". Hell, there have been times when I've finished in a minute or less (I always take care of her first, however) that she's clearly turned on by my excitement.
 

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I respectfully disagree, Gus (even though you point out there are exceptions).

Sex - whether via infidelity, or with your spouse, girlfriend or some girl you picked up at a bar - is intrinsically about one's feelings first, even if one doesn't quite realize it, or admit it.

These feelings can be love, or they can be loneliness, a need to boost one's self-esteem, the urge to be desired, or even an ego-driven need to make a conquest. The reasons people have sex vary from person to person, and from moment to moment.

Unless someone is devoid of emotion (ie. a sociopath), there's a mental motivation to have sex in the first place.
Semantics.
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I get what you're saying. My ex wife also cheated on me, so I know what it feels like, too. And when all was said and done, her motivations were similar, if not the same, as your husbands. Needed to feel that spark again, blah blah blah.



What needs to be said is that men give and receive love/intimacy via sex. Typically women do in other ways. It doesn't make sense to many women, and it certainly makes us men look like we're only interested in one thing, but it's really not the case. Well, it is... but not for the reasons many think.



I want to have sex with my wife every day, but not just for the physical gratification. That certainly plays a part, but if that's the only motivation I may have on one particular day, I have no interest in having sex with her, I'll take care of the physical urge in other ways. In other words, if I'm horny but I'm PO'd at her, I don't want to have sex with her.



From her previous POV, I (and other men) are all about the sex, and just the physical aspect of it. It took years for me to reassure her that I have no interest in simply using her for that purpose. The reality is that this is how I feel the closest to my wife, and there are many many benefits to sex with her, other than just getting off.



So I get that it's easy to think that men only want sex, especially when it's via infidelity, but I assure you, it's more than that, and it's really no different than what women's motivations are.


Hmm that is really interesting. I get what you are saying. I think though that there are other ways to have an intimate connection with your spouse.

Even the act of communicating deeply about a subject for example. That gives a deeper connection over all and then adds to the intimacy you feel during sex. Everything is connected.
 

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Semantics.
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In the grand scheme of things, yes. It doesn't really matter why somebody cheats.

But for the purposes of this thread, and the OP's original question, it's not semantics. I truly feel that people don't cheat (or even have sex, period, with their spouse, an AP or a stranger) simply for the sake of having sex. There's a whole host of motivating factors out there to have sex, and everybody has at least one when they do, IMO.

The physical aspect, the orgasm etc. certainly is present, and it may actually be the primary reason for somebody to have sex, but there will always be another reason attached, even if one doesn't quite see it. Loneliness, self-esteem or an ego boost are probably the most common. Just the need to be with somebody, period. That kind of thing.
 

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In the grand scheme of things, yes. It doesn't really matter why somebody cheats.

But for the purposes of this thread, and the OP's original question, it's not semantics. I truly feel that people don't cheat (or even have sex, period, with their spouse, an AP or a stranger) simply for the sake of having sex. There's a whole host of motivating factors out there to have sex, and everybody has at least one when they do, IMO.

The physical aspect, the orgasm etc. certainly is present, and it may actually be the primary reason for somebody to have sex, but there will always be another reason attached, even if one doesn't quite see it. Loneliness, self-esteem or an ego boost are probably the most common. Just the need to be with somebody, period. That kind of thing.
You're missing the point.

When we do the things that we enjoy doing, it's because we enjoy the way that doing them makes us feel -- either WHILE doing them or afterward.

If sex were a purely mechanical function performed solely for the act of procreation then there would likely be far less of it. But it's not. There are tons of emotions tied to it, some more complex than others.

So take a guy (or gal) that cheats "just for sex". We accept that explanation on the surface, but we also understand that "just sex" is never really "just sex".

Still, the phrase itself is accurate enough (and our collective understanding of it is complete enough) that it stands up to scrutiny.
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Men leave because they are not happy. How they leave is a different question. Some have affairs emotional or physical. Some get wrapped up in their kids or their hobbies. Some walk away.

When you are in that situation and someone tells you that no one else is responsible for your happiness, and that it all comes from inside. It makes the man feel very alone and worthless. It does not encourage working on the relationship. It encourages taking a very long walk.
Exactly - I'm very unhappy in my marriage, but have no desire to cheat. I devote my time to my kids and my business. No desire to walk away either - can't do that to the kids.
 

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Good evening
I think people cheat because there is something important to them that they are not getting from their partner. Sex, respect, love, novelty, romance, adventure whatever.

Sometimes what is desired is completely unreasonable. Real women do not behave like porn stars - that is a acting for a fantasy. Real men are not brain surgeon, rocket scientist, martial arts experts, and certainly not sexy vampires who get sparkly in sunlight.

Novelty is maybe the worst - you can't be "new" when you have been with someone for many years - anyone really desiring novelty shouldn't be in a long term relationship.

Along with the unreasonable expectations though are completely reasonable ones: Have you taken your spouse on a romantic date? Spent an evening giving them the most fantastic sex you can? Shown affection and love consistently? Or have you let your marriage turn into an endless series of chores?
 

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Men leave because they are not happy. How they leave is a different question. Some have affairs emotional or physical. Some get wrapped up in their kids or their hobbies. Some walk away.

When you are in that situation and someone tells you that no one else is responsible for your happiness, and that it all comes from inside. It makes the man feel very alone and worthless. It does not encourage working on the relationship. It encourages taking a very long walk.
I am not a man, but THIS!! This is how I feel right now...
 

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I am not a man, but THIS!! This is how I feel right now...
Is this not what both genders do, though? I can't see how this is a 'man-only' thing.

That's the only issue I have with any parts of this thread - that it seems as though many people think men and women cheat "differently" or for different reasons.
 
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