Long time reader, first post. Please forgive me if this is redundant and there are answers hidden within other posts. I do feel my situation is a bit different (dont we all) so I wanted to make my own post to get everyones thoughts. This totally isnt my style to write like this in a forum about my marriage, but Im willing to do what it takes to save my marriage....
About us - I met my wife when I 20 and living in a fraternity house. Young love, tons of sex, you get the idea. I am now 30, we dated for 7 years off and on, and got married 3 years ago. During those 7 years, we did break up once or twice (one time for a year), but always found our way back together. From my point of view, we didnt have sex enough so I felt like we were just roommates and from her point of view, I was just lazy and she was tired of 'taking care of me'. I think we were just growing up together and that made things difficult along the way. Since we got back together and married, we havent had a single major fight and we actually get along great..until about 3 months ago.
Fighting is rare for us. I dont use this term loosely, but we really are soul mates. We barely argue, we love spending time together, but other than the first year of dating, we have never really had that fire and passionate relationship. Well she started reading romance novels like 50 shades of grey, so you can imagine where this is going.
At first, she gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, and cited that we have never had that passion. "you never look at me, tell me im beautiful, passionately kiss me, etc'. At first I thought she was reading those books and wanted passion, so I started to lay it on and lay it on thick. I was actually excited because I have been trying to find ways for years to bring back the same level of sex that we had in our first year, with no avail. To my clueless male dismay, that backfired. Being very confused over the next month, I kept trying to be passionate and got the 'its all fake, you are just doing it because I said something and not because you want to'. Now in month 3, we have talked and fought many times since then and now where we are on this subject is she said 'we have never had a passionate relationship', so when I speak of finding a way to RE-kindle the fire, she just claims that we never had it to begin with so there is nothing to RE-discover, etc....
Long story short, we have talked about splitting up, not because we fight or argue, but mainly because we literally are just friends. To me, she is the object of my fantasies and I think she is a supermodel naked, but she is the one who said 'Im not sure if I could ever have sex with you again'. So the feeling isnt mutual, its her that doesnt not view me in that way anymore.
So this is what I am faced with, hopefully someone female can give me some insight into what is really going on. Ive told her many times, that we BOTH deserve that someone to be passionate about, and if Im not that guy for her, then go find him with my blessing! It sounds corny but I want the best for her, and Im young and good looking so Im not worried Ill find a girl....eventually:smthumbup:
It seems she doesnt want to actually split, but she said she will probably never have sex with me again. Is this true or is this some type of test to see if I will stay?
I make good money and she doesnt work, and she could barely make 10$ an hour if she did, I think part of the reason she stays with me is the financial security and the lifestyle i provide...Do women really stay with someone that repulses them sexually but takes care of them financially in this day and age? We dont have kids so its not like she is staying so our children have a place to grow.
Its weird, she is super sensitive about some things but super cold about others. So its hard to classify her. I am sensitive in the sense that I care about her needs and will honor the commitment I made to her and her dad to take care of her, for better or for worse. I am not sure how long I can stay in a sexless marriage, so if she is 99% of what my ideal wife would be, but that 1% is missing, is that enough to stay/leave? Not to be graphic, but I can take care of that 1% manually, but if we split, I assume I could find a girl that we had crazy animal sex, but the other 99% would probably be missing...so what is the right decision?
Ive read countless marriage books, like 5 Love Languages, etc. I will let her know very subtly that I am reading them, and she just gets more agitated. I am a problem solver, so I have obsessed over this all summer, but it seems every solution I find and every talk we have, just puts us in a deeper hole....I thought that since she brought this up, she wanted me to work on it, but it seems she was content bringing up the problem 3 months ago then not doing a single thing to fix it....do I keep trying things or is it best to 'act' like nothing is wrong? Ive heard everything from shower her with constant love to basically ignore her and she will come back to me....
I know there is no perfect formula and every situation is different, and that its hard to encapsulate 10 years of a relationship in a 5 minute post...but no matter what I do (go full bore problem solve mode or ignore any and all problems), it doesnt seem to be getting better, though granted its only been a few months.
I do not want to separate, but I will if she wants to find that special someone. We both deserve that. Ive reassured her that i will still support her if we are separated till she got on her feet, and we would prob still be friends. We even joked about our future spouses not liking our relationship that we would probably still have, but she still doesnt seem to bite when i offer her a separation. I guess I am just looking for general advice and understanding...not sure why she would bring up our lack of romance or that we are only friends/roommates then not do a single thing to fix it or respond to anything I am doing.....what is the right engagement formula....what is the best way for her to want me again ( I say again but maybe its more appropriate to say for the first time)...sorry for the long post and thanks for reading...Thoughts?
About us - I met my wife when I 20 and living in a fraternity house. Young love, tons of sex, you get the idea. I am now 30, we dated for 7 years off and on, and got married 3 years ago. During those 7 years, we did break up once or twice (one time for a year), but always found our way back together. From my point of view, we didnt have sex enough so I felt like we were just roommates and from her point of view, I was just lazy and she was tired of 'taking care of me'. I think we were just growing up together and that made things difficult along the way. Since we got back together and married, we havent had a single major fight and we actually get along great..until about 3 months ago.
Fighting is rare for us. I dont use this term loosely, but we really are soul mates. We barely argue, we love spending time together, but other than the first year of dating, we have never really had that fire and passionate relationship. Well she started reading romance novels like 50 shades of grey, so you can imagine where this is going.
At first, she gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, and cited that we have never had that passion. "you never look at me, tell me im beautiful, passionately kiss me, etc'. At first I thought she was reading those books and wanted passion, so I started to lay it on and lay it on thick. I was actually excited because I have been trying to find ways for years to bring back the same level of sex that we had in our first year, with no avail. To my clueless male dismay, that backfired. Being very confused over the next month, I kept trying to be passionate and got the 'its all fake, you are just doing it because I said something and not because you want to'. Now in month 3, we have talked and fought many times since then and now where we are on this subject is she said 'we have never had a passionate relationship', so when I speak of finding a way to RE-kindle the fire, she just claims that we never had it to begin with so there is nothing to RE-discover, etc....
Long story short, we have talked about splitting up, not because we fight or argue, but mainly because we literally are just friends. To me, she is the object of my fantasies and I think she is a supermodel naked, but she is the one who said 'Im not sure if I could ever have sex with you again'. So the feeling isnt mutual, its her that doesnt not view me in that way anymore.
So this is what I am faced with, hopefully someone female can give me some insight into what is really going on. Ive told her many times, that we BOTH deserve that someone to be passionate about, and if Im not that guy for her, then go find him with my blessing! It sounds corny but I want the best for her, and Im young and good looking so Im not worried Ill find a girl....eventually:smthumbup:
It seems she doesnt want to actually split, but she said she will probably never have sex with me again. Is this true or is this some type of test to see if I will stay?
I make good money and she doesnt work, and she could barely make 10$ an hour if she did, I think part of the reason she stays with me is the financial security and the lifestyle i provide...Do women really stay with someone that repulses them sexually but takes care of them financially in this day and age? We dont have kids so its not like she is staying so our children have a place to grow.
Its weird, she is super sensitive about some things but super cold about others. So its hard to classify her. I am sensitive in the sense that I care about her needs and will honor the commitment I made to her and her dad to take care of her, for better or for worse. I am not sure how long I can stay in a sexless marriage, so if she is 99% of what my ideal wife would be, but that 1% is missing, is that enough to stay/leave? Not to be graphic, but I can take care of that 1% manually, but if we split, I assume I could find a girl that we had crazy animal sex, but the other 99% would probably be missing...so what is the right decision?
Ive read countless marriage books, like 5 Love Languages, etc. I will let her know very subtly that I am reading them, and she just gets more agitated. I am a problem solver, so I have obsessed over this all summer, but it seems every solution I find and every talk we have, just puts us in a deeper hole....I thought that since she brought this up, she wanted me to work on it, but it seems she was content bringing up the problem 3 months ago then not doing a single thing to fix it....do I keep trying things or is it best to 'act' like nothing is wrong? Ive heard everything from shower her with constant love to basically ignore her and she will come back to me....
I know there is no perfect formula and every situation is different, and that its hard to encapsulate 10 years of a relationship in a 5 minute post...but no matter what I do (go full bore problem solve mode or ignore any and all problems), it doesnt seem to be getting better, though granted its only been a few months.
I do not want to separate, but I will if she wants to find that special someone. We both deserve that. Ive reassured her that i will still support her if we are separated till she got on her feet, and we would prob still be friends. We even joked about our future spouses not liking our relationship that we would probably still have, but she still doesnt seem to bite when i offer her a separation. I guess I am just looking for general advice and understanding...not sure why she would bring up our lack of romance or that we are only friends/roommates then not do a single thing to fix it or respond to anything I am doing.....what is the right engagement formula....what is the best way for her to want me again ( I say again but maybe its more appropriate to say for the first time)...sorry for the long post and thanks for reading...Thoughts?