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I need some desperate advice. My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. We are both in our mid 30ites.
Recently, I found out that he went to a coffee shop with his coworkers with girls in their bras and undies serving coffee. He attempted to lie to me and then when he could not cover it up n e more, he said it was a little white lie cause he does not want us to fight and it was nothing that is why he lied. I then asked him, why lie if it was nothing??
Now he said he has to go to vegas with his coworkers for a conference at work. The conference is Sun, Monday, and Tuesday. He said he will drive to his friends house, and they will all drive to vegas and fly back. But he will leave his car at his friends place from saturday to tuesday. when i confronted him he said i was insecure with myself? That what he is doing is work related..
I guess the real problem is I just dont trust him with his friends. Plus he never told me all this plan until i asked him.. isn't it wrong that he does not tell me anything and just committe to plans?

I have been really tired in this relationship, i fell that I am always giving in this relationship...
 

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What did he order - a double cupacinno? :D

Sorry for your troubles. Are you a Stay at home mom - SAHM?
Kids? Has this been his behavior all through your marriage?

The Vegas plan seems a bit suspicious ( ? )
 

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Hi Canadian Guy:

We have a 7 year old son together. No, I am not a stay at home mom. In fact, I run my own business consulting company.
To be candid, I really tried my best to accomdate for this marriage.

I am 33, people tell me I look 25. 5'4, 125 lbs, long red hair, I am not slim, but i dont consider myself fat.
I work a full time job, take care of my child, cooks, cleans, and pleases him sexually most of the time.

He works, comes home, eats, watch tv, plays video games.
I am at a point where I have nothing more to give...Maybe it is time to move on..my 7 yr old hears us fight and tells me he is afraid that we might get a divorce..
 

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He only started acting this way for the last 4 years. His behavior has been worst for the last several years. Oh, I don't consider myself controlling at all...(but maybe, I am not aware of it..) I allow him to have his own fun. He plays video games almost everynight, plays basketball every sunday with his friends, and occassionally works out at the gym2-3 times a week at night. He has two gym membership because he said the other one is closer to his work and they all have it.. I am aganist it, we fought, but how do you stop a grown man?
 

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You're right not to trust him with his friends because the Vegas trip sounds a bit shady, as does his easy dismissal of your concerns as simply insecurities.

I don't think that the coffee thing was a big deal. After all, women at the beach wear bikinis and that's not terribly different. Now, if these scantily clad waitresses invited or permitted touching, performed lap-dances, or took off those undergarments, then it would be a different kind of story. Also, if he frequented the place, rather than just having been there once, it would be a different story, too.

Is there any other reason that you have to suspect he might be cheating? At the least, his behavior is disrespectful toward you and your shared marriage. At worst, something's up.

Don't kick up a fuss about the trip now, but put a VAR in his car, a keylogger on his computer, check your phone and credit card bills to check for unusual activity or lots of calls to one number, and see if you can get into his email or something to find out if he's got plans to hook up with anyone while out there. If you find evidence that he really is being unfaithful, then divorce him. If not, then you two should get into marriage counseling to discuss the disrespect and troubled communication between you.

Edit: I read a bit more of the thread. There's a lot of resentment building between you, two. He sounds a bit childish and immature. Have you voiced your concerns about his behavior and its impact on your shared life? Have you two tried any kind of counseling? Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs" or "The Five Love Languages"? Try some of those things. However, if your heart isn't in it anymore (and I'm assuming you're not crushing on or seeing someone else, of course), then you should tell him right away that you want to end your marriage and you guys should find a lawyer to sort that out. No sense in dragging it out.
 

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Moxy has some good advice. What do you do? Hobbies, interests outside of work and home ? As you describe him he sounds like a bit of a slacker on the home front. Does he help around the house at all ? If and when he helps out have you criticized or praised his behavior in this regard? Do you get upset with him for playing video games all night?
 

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Hi Moxy:
I told him I don't have a problem with him going to the coffee joint, but I do have a problem with him lying to me about it.
He did dismissed my concerns with his vegas trip as me being insecure and that I have serious issues to work on because none of his coworkers wives are concerned at all. He said that if i dont trust him there is no sense of this marriage.. so to me, if someone can throw up divorce and marriages like this, then maybe this 11 yr marriage does not mean anything to him.
I told him I believe in working for the marriage, so lets go to consuling, but he refuses stating that he has no issues so he does not need to go. He would not even do it for me or our marriage. I don't have access to his cell nor his computer.. I do not ask him for his passwords, so I dont think I am controlling or that I dont respect his privacy, right? I give that to him.
No, there is no one else. I do love him, but i am very tired, maybe he is giving but I dont feel it or see it. I tried mort fortel, chruch, and five languages of love.. maybe he is no longer in love with me and is just here..but not here...i guess i have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me... but i am just tired and all cried out..
 

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His dismissal of your concerns smacks of gaslighting and misdirection. I think he's being shady. If he's so volatile about the issue of trust, then maybe he's hiding something. That kind of response was made to shut you down. Call his bluff and tell him it's marriage counseling or divorce. I'm not suggesting gambling on your future, but....if he isn't willing to fight to make the marriage work, if he'd rather divorce you or shut you up on the back burner while he lives a bachelor life, then you're better off without him. It will hurt at first, but, whether it gets better for you with or without him, you won't be stuck in a marriage that he doesn't contribute to beyond just his presence; even in a classroom, attendance counts for only 10% or so, the rest has to demonstrate a good faith effort and if he is failing to do his part, then you shouldn't have to pick up his slack at your expense when you can do better for yourself.
 

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Hi Moxy: I was so happy that I actually recieved responses..I jumped the gun with my response. :)
I did voice some of my concerns to him and he said if I am such a horrible husband and father, then what are you still doing with me??
We just came back from a family trip and on the trip he was upset with our son and he actually said this to him.. " u know, I grew up without a father..and if you keep up this selffish behavior of yours, you can very well grow up without a father.." I was so upset with him for sying that to a 7 year old, I got upset with him and he in turned got upset with me..what a jerk! how can you say that to a 7 yr or try to get even with a 7 yr old.

@CandianGuy: I spend a lot of time working. I go out with my girlfriends once a month for dinner and sometimes drinks (but I don't drink, so I do tea). He texted me the lasttime when I was out with my friend and said.I hope you and your friend will find someone that appreciates you.. So I texted him back and said dont be silly, I am talking about you. I dont intend to make him jealous at all. I am up front with him. I spend time in yoga and pilates class. I told him today that it is not that I dont get invites at work for happy hour or conferences, I chose not to because I dont want to cause any drama in our relationship, plus I feel that happy hours at work are generally for single folks to mingle. I have a family and a kid, so I have a very busy life. But I think maybe I should start entertaining there invites since my husband is doing so. Everytime he gets invites, he goes from Happy Hours to pool parties to poker nights, and i tried to be understanding and not say n e thing, but the requests becomes worst..
 

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@CandianGuy - no he does not help around the house. We fought a lot about it before, now we hired a cleaning lady to help every week just to clean. but i still have to do the day to day and the laundry, etc.
oh, he told me today, btw we are out of rice, and i said because we dont do groceries together or anything it becomes so difficult to even cook for you. i cook something you dont like i end up throwing it away. Rice comes in lije a 50 lbs bag, it is difficult to carry. he does not say n e thing. we have tossed away so much food because one day he wants fish the other day he wants smoothie. oh my son cannot stand fish because of the smell, but he will not accomdate with my son and makes him eat fish instead of him accomdating with my child
 

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I use to get upset at him for playing video games but i said one night, i bet I can bet you, teach me how to play and I'll play with you. but i never picked it up. it became too difficult I cant play video games till 3 and wake up at 7 to get my kid ready for school and prep for a presentation..
if and when he takes out the trash, I thanked him for doing so. We have a fish tank that he hardly takes care of, so when i noticed nothing was being done and I was tired of nagging, I cleaned it myself, and when he got home from playing bball saw me cleaning the tank he got mad at me and said that I made him feel irresponsible. but i did not say n e thing to him/ if i asked him to clean he will not do it, then i ask again and he gets mad. if i dont ask him and do it myself he says i made he appear irresponsible, and gets mad... so wtf.. right
 

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I could not ever imagine saying something like that to either of my kids. Ouch.

It does sound like you are bending over backwards to be accommodating to his needs. As you say you are very giving. It is sounding all from your side though. Does he spend much time doing things with your son? The bit about not having a problem with the marriage is true. You cook, clean, shop, stay at home with your son when he's out etc. Why should all that be a problem. He is having the kind of marriage he wants so whats the problem. It's not really an issue of trust as he puts it. It's more about, IMO, respecting the relationship. Do you feel as though he feels your sex life is good?
 

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I use to get upset at him for playing video games but i said one night, i bet I can bet you, teach me how to play and I'll play with you. but i never picked it up. it became too difficult I cant play video games till 3 and wake up at 7 to get my kid ready for school and prep for a presentation..
if and when he takes out the trash, I thanked him for doing so. We have a fish tank that he hardly takes care of, so when i noticed nothing was being done and I was tired of nagging, I cleaned it myself, and when he got home from playing bball saw me cleaning the tank he got mad at me and said that I made him feel irresponsible. but i did not say n e thing to him/ if i asked him to clean he will not do it, then i ask again and he gets mad. if i dont ask him and do it myself he says i made he appear irresponsible, and gets mad... so wtf.. right
He's blaming you for making him appear irresponsible. He can be irresponsible all on his own he doesn't need your help. :) He's feeling guilty for not helping out and is trying to put it back on you.
 

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Candianguy - you absolutely hit it. I feel very disrespected. I give in to him because i am really tired of the fights, not because I am so in love with him or that I am ugly and cannot find someone else. Maybe he is bored with the same woman, maybe he wants someone else? I am not big on top, and he appear to like really big ones..so maybe he wants that. I accomdate to a lot of his sexual requests already..so I am not sure. maybe he is just bored with this marriage..but one thing i made clear to him.. I am not for lease or on trial once he decides to move out, we are over. I dont belive in him having his space for 2 - 3 months to figure things out. Once you r out you r out.
 

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Actions speak louder than words. I do like what you said about not being on trial or for lease. If I understand you correctly you are upset because you feel that he is not a equal participant in the marriage ie household duties, spending time together etc. but merely a benefactor? And you have explained to him that you are unhappy but he is unwilling to put in the effort to make the changes necessary for the good of the marriage. He has told you that he doesn't feel there is a problem so why should he.

So what is your next step?
 

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Hi Candian Guy:

Actually I gave up on him sharing the load. I just am upset with the fact that he is doing this vegas trip without informing me his plans in advance. I am the one that has to ask him when he is leaving, what time and when i offered to drop him off the insisted that he drive to his friends house and leave the car there for four days. the story he gave me does not make sense.
I guess I really dont know why i am in this marraige anymore.
I dont see any giving on his side, all on my side.

so i m just tired
 

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alloutoflove - I think you should go back to your first post and then read all of your posts. I believe this will lead you to the conclusion that you already know deep down, but maybe were afraid to admit to yourself.

The fact that you asked him to go to counseling and he refused is the biggest problem I see among many problems. This is a very selfish man who is getting everything he wants and not giving anything in return.

I also can't believe he said that to his own son. I don't advocate divorce, but I'm not sure there's any other path here.

Read your posts again...
 

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alloutoflove,

You and your husband certainly have some disagreements here that need to be worked out, however I personally feel that talk of giving up your marriage is a little over the top and out of proportion to the problems you are facing.

Let's start with the side of things you can actually do something about, which is your side. Whenever a spouse sees that all the giving is on their side and there is none on their partner's side, this invariably indicates that their vision is severely distorted by some personal agenda or unhealthy outside influence. Seriously, unless your man is in a coma in the icu, he must be doing something. He has to be doing more than he gets credit for since he gets credit for nothing. We have to accept that there is some level of imbalance in every relationship. Regardless of which person shoulders the imbalance, neither side ever seems to think that the other is doing enough.

On to the even more difficult part. Your husband appears to be a little short on maturity in certain areas and he may be subject to compulsive behavior in his video game usage. In my humble opinion, he lacks a code of behavior and an obligation to do right. Apparently, whatever he wants is right by definition and this is not going to be successful for him. Until we can get him to bind himself to an agreed to standard of behavior, the best you can do is not make things worse. Personally, I would start with video games and ask him if he could set a limit of one hour per day. See if you can get him to agree to any limit and see if he can keep it.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Dear ten year hubby:

I have been thing about what you wrote and these are my comments:
I have to give him more credit for what he is doing because I must be delusional to think that I do everything:
Husband's day on weekday:
Wake Up, go to work, come home, eat, watch tv, plays video game, shower, watch tv, get on computer, go to sleep.

My Day:
Wake up, juice, prep kid for school, takes kid to school, change and prep for work, come home, cook/buy food, prep for dinner, have dinner,check kid's hwk, clean table, wash dishes, take out trash, shower kid, tries to watch some tv with husband, mop floor, check work email, shower, prep for bed.

Yes, I neglected to give him credit for going to work.

In terms of playing video games, I have tried to have conversations with him, but all end up in fights because he becomes quiet or yells.

Over the last two days, my heart has ached so much. I hope I have the courage to follow through, but I am kicking him out of the house and filing for divorce.
I believe that he lied to me about vegas, but I tried to be understanding and did not give him any crap. However, he went to vegas yesterday, arrived at 6 PM, instead of calling he texted me and said he arrived. I responded by saying ok. have fun. Waited all night for him to call to say good night to his son. No calls. I called him at 1230 I believe the call was cancelled(but just my assumption). Called him at 1:00, I think he let it go to vm. at 130 i send him a nasty text saying " It is 130am and you don't even call your wife and kid to say good night and you wonder why I am insecure. you are really f*** up! (maybe a little over board, but I was very upset.) I know this morning he will be up by now because they have a meeting at 10:00 AM..this is when the conference actually starts. No responses to my message or calls at all. Although, if he calls, I do not think I will pick up. Am I acting over board in this situation? Are there other areas I should evaluate?
Thanks everyone. Much Appreciate it. I don't feel alone.
 
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