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First let me say that I am a wanker. For around 25 years I have wanked regularly, enjoyably and successfully. Through good times and bad, even now married with kids I give my wrist a thorough work-out and it's all good with me. Never, ever, EVER have I found myself unable to perform this solo act.

But then never have I been asked to perform it on demand, until today.

I had a vasectomy a few months ago. The operation was relatively easy. A few months later (today) I had to provide a sperm sample for analysis. If you didn't know, this is a process of masturbating into a plastic jar and delivering that jar to the hospital. I took the option of doing this at home and in private - whilst my wife took the kids out for an hour, giving me some privacy.

For this to happen, I had to help out with early morning chores like changing nappies, feeding breakfasts, cleaning up mess and doing various (mood-killing) tasks to get them out of the house on time. See there was a fixed appointment at the hospital one hour later so I had to 'perform' against a deadline and under huge pressure. As the door closed behind them, I tried to relax but I already knew that I wasn't really feeling it.

It started well enough, I got a quick start - in fact too quick as my sample would have been invalid if I delivered too quick - so I slowed it down when I glanced at the clock - and that was my first mistake. I should have gone early but instead I tried for a delayed orgasm. As I was doing it, I started to worry, anxiety crept in and I started to panic, and to my horror I lost my erection.

What followed was much frantic searching the web for porn and racing up and down the stairs between TV and bedroom looking for material to help me along. Downstairs was full of mess and kids toys and there was nothing worthy on the TV. I don't own any porn DVDs and I soon started to run out of time. Five minutes until the appointment and I was overcome by panic, just desperately tugging at my limp penis with no realistic hope of a result. As my allotted time came and went (and I didn't) I slowly realised I had failed.

Basically the pressure got to me and I simply wasn't in the mood. It was hopeless. I FAILED. I let myself down.

I had then to endure the humiliating experience of then reporting this outcome to my wife and then to the hospital - with whom I had to make a second appointment, the action for which I'm already dreading.

Now I have been a prize wanker my whole life and it's never been a problem until today. I feel like an utter failure now. At 42 I could not do what I have done brilliantly since I was 15! This simple moment of failure feels like it has pushed wave of terrible self doubt over me - and killed my entire sex drive.

Basically I feel like I let myself down and although my wife said it's "no big deal", it really is, because we need the "all clear" from my vasectomy in order to improve/restart our sex life. It seems ridiculous or even humorous perhaps, but I am left feeling like the most useless man in the world and consumed by embarrassment and feelings of incapability.

Next appointment is first thing in the morning, 4 weeks from now, and the family will NOT be out of the house, the wife will be in the next room and the kids will be running round the house while I'm locked in the bathroom.

It still seems better than a cum-stained armchair in a hospital room.

I don't know if I can do this. Help me. Please.
 

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Just do it! Set another date and give them the first sample, not the second or any other subsequent ones from that day!

If you need help, just have the old lady give you "a hand!"

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Good evening
this is actually a really common problem for people undergoing fertility treatments. Its really miserable to have to jerk off on a schedule, and be graded on your success.

Not clear if your wife helping will make it better or worse.

Next time you need to set aside more time. Avoid sexual release for 2 days before.

A powerful vibrator like a hitachi will work on most men.

Depending on your joint level of kinkiness, your wife tying you up to "force you" could be fun.
 

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I think you need to take yourself back to when this glorious hobby first began.

Guessing you probably had a favorite "actress" that first inspired your lifelong hobby. Do some searching now and download a few Farrah Fawcett / Princess Leia (Slave outfit) / Tiffany Amber-Theissen / Jennifer Love-Hewitt pics (depending on your age) to your phone or tablet for when the moment comes (pun intended).
 

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I don't know if I can do this. Help me. Please.
Oh man, you are going to have to romance yourself. Take yourself out for a nice meal, and get a hotel room the night before. Enjoy watching documentaries all night. Then for the big moment the next morning, you allow yourself to open a new toy you got/built just for yourself. One that you have always wanted but have been way to ashamed to buy.

You know, like that estim penis pump that looks like a small exotic aquarium!



Odds are the specimen cup will fit inside and you can just let technology do all the work while you imagination runs wild.

 

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:rofl:

My wife had fertility issues, so I of course had to have a sperm count done to be sure I was not shooting blanks. This was 30 years ago when we lived way out in the country. We were too far away from the hospital lab to make the sample at home and deliver it within the 20 minute limit or whatever it was.

So I had an appointment with the OB/Gyn doc's office which was in the regional hospital. I bought a Penthouse, with great embarrassment, and stuffed it under my stylish leather motorcycle jacket to hide it going into the clinic.

The reception desk in the doc's office was, of course, busy with several patients and receptionists. The receptionist asked what I was there for. Me, "Um, a fertility test". Her, "What kind of test?". Me, "Um, a sperm count". The waiting room went dead quiet as everyone realized what was going on. The receptionist looked a bit embarrassed and then led me to an examination room.

She gave me a little sample cup with a label with my name on it. It looked just like those urine sample cups, plastic with no lid. And she gave me the lab request form along with directions to the lab. She left me alone in the room.

With a door that didn't have a lock on it.

So there I was with my back to the door, horrified and trying desperately to provide the sample. I was flipping pages in the magazine, trying to concentrate and hurry up. The inevitable happened after about 10 minutes, a nurse walked in to prep the room for the next patient.

Her: :surprise:

Me: :eek:

She mumbled something as she backed out as quickly as she could. Somehow I was able to make the sample. So I calmly walked out through the reception room with my little open top sample cup in hand, everyone there looking at me.

Into the elevator and down a few floors to the lab. Everyone in the elevator looking over at me with my sample in the bottom of the little cup. I get to the lab and some young 20-ish yr old girl asks for the paperwork and I hand her the cup. She looks at the paper, gets wide eyed, looks quickly at me, then changes her grasp on the cup as if she realized it is full of putrid radioactive waste. She told me to call the doc's office tomorrow and she hurried away with the cup.

I was never so glad to leave a building as I was that day!

True story. 100%.
 

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Good evening
this is actually a really common problem for people undergoing fertility treatments. Its really miserable to have to jerk off on a schedule, and be graded on your success.
Turns out that the head nurse title doesn't mean what many guys think it means >:)


Not clear if your wife helping will make it better or worse.
Given that a vas means she's avoided the knife, she should be more than willing to help.
 

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The reception desk in the doc's office was, of course, busy with several patients and receptionists. The receptionist asked what I was there for. Me, "Um, a fertility test". Her, "What kind of test?". Me, "Um, a sperm count". The waiting room went dead quiet as everyone realized what was going on. The receptionist looked a bit embarrassed and then led me to an examination room.

She gave me a little sample cup with a label with my name on it. It looked just like those urine sample cups, plastic with no lid. And she gave me the lab request form along with directions to the lab. She left me alone in the room.

With a door that didn't have a lock on it.

So there I was with my back to the door, horrified and trying desperately to provide the sample. I was flipping pages in the magazine, trying to concentrate and hurry up. The inevitable happened after about 10 minutes, a nurse walked in to prep the room for the next patient.

Her: :surprise:

Me: :eek:

She mumbled something as she backed out as quickly as she could. Somehow I was able to make the sample. So I calmly walked out through the reception room with my little open top sample cup in hand, everyone there looking at me.

Into the elevator and down a few floors to the lab. Everyone in the elevator looking over at me with my sample in the bottom of the little cup. I get to the lab and some young 20-ish yr old girl asks for the paperwork and I hand her the cup. She looks at the paper, gets wide eyed, looks quickly at me, then changes her grasp on the cup as if she realized it is full of putrid radioactive waste. She told me to call the doc's office tomorrow and she hurried away with the cup.
:lol: :rofl: :toast:
 

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I was going to get a vasectomy. I go to the Dr's office, and while waiting my turn a liitle old guy gets called up to the counter. It became clear that the guy was in there to provide a "sample". The nurse hands him a jar with a lid, and leads him down the hall. 10 minutes later they call my name. As we are walking down the same hall, I hear a lot of noise. Groans, deep breaths, and then swearing, coming from one of the exam rooms. All the nurses kinda smiled as it was the room the old guy went into. As we walked the hall the noises became louder and louder, until suddenly the door burst open to show the guy standing there, in only a gown, with a strained look to his face! "Will someone PLEASE help me get the lid off this jar?"


(completely fabricated story)
 

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Can your wife not help you in this endeavor? Not sure if there is a difference in the sperm count from "wanking" or sperm count from a more team oriented try.

As for Thor, I appreciate my IPad more and more. Having to throw a Penthouse on the counter is like putting true sex lube and a massager on the belt at Wally World and endure the look from the trailer park cashier.
 

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Oh man, you are going to have to romance yourself. Take yourself out for a nice meal, and get a hotel room the night before. Enjoy watching documentaries all night. Then for the big moment the next morning, you allow yourself to open a new toy you got/built just for yourself. One that you have always wanted but have been way to ashamed to buy.

You know, like that estim penis pump that looks like a small exotic aquarium!



Odds are the specimen cup will fit inside and you can just let technology do all the work while you imagination runs wild.

Holy Frankenwank it's alive
 
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