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Discussion Starter #1
Curious on everyone's take on expectations for sex on scheduled vacations? Is it fair to assume that sex is part of a planned vacation? I get 20 days each year of vacation days (plus federal holidays in the US), and I really look forward to using that time to relax and recharge. Often, my wife will ask that we plan formal trips a few times a year, which I use vacation days for. Sometimes it is just her and I, sometimes her, myself, and another couple, and sometimes family trip (1 adult child, her husband, and two older teenage kids).
For trips that are just wife and I, sex almost always happens, but often no more frequent or adventurous than if we were home. If it is a couples trip, it is a 50/50 if sex happens at all, and if it is a family trip, sex is unlikely (even if we have time alone during the trip).

This tough for me, as the only spouse that works, I really value my vacation days and would prefer that sex is a priority on those days, but my wife stays with her "if the mood happens to strike and if we happen to be alone". She does not like feeling like it was "planned" (see my other posts), but I have no option for formal vacations without planning ahead. My job is not setup to allow last minute. If I plan a vacation and burn through my vacation days, I would like sex (good sex) to be part of that, but that means planning ahead and doing into the vacation with sex being part of the plan.

What is everyone else thoughts?
 

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It depends on the type of vacation and of you’re settled in one location vs on the move.

A week at the beach or lake, it’s on. 4 European cities in 2 weeks, we can have sex when we are home.
 

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We usually have more sex at home than on vacation. We tend to be active and are often tired at the end of the day. Thin walls. Not as many creature comforts as home.

We do sometimes pack a few items but I can say usually sex is not more adventurous on vacation than at home. I mean what hotel has a swing? ramp? esse?

Now once on vacation we had sex in the water which we never do at home.

If you want a sex vacation that would almost have to be planned. and like you said she doesn't like it to be planned......
 

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We usually have more sex at home than on vacations. The reason being my W and cleanliness. She just feels odd about in a unfamiliar bed that others have slept. Yes, the sheets are clean as far as the hotel will tell ya but.... Anyway, if the shower is big enough in the place we are staying play time in there is a go for my W. But by and large, we are very active on vacation. We get tired from daily activity. If the mood suites and body willing....see ya in the shower! It is not however planned or scheduled. Truth be told it is more relaxing this way.
 

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No one can tell you in advance if they are going to be wanting to have sex or not. It's not fair to expect that. And I certainly don't think you should be pressuring her to have sex just because you're on vacation, or she may decide separate vacations are more to her liking! If sex is lagging at home, no reason to think it will pick up on vacation unless she's just tired from the kids at home and too harried to be in the mood. Vacation with kids is more stressful than being home with them, requires more supervision, as far as that goes.

If you pressure for sex and she doesn't like that, you will ruin your own vacation and everyone else's. Just try to have a good time and see what happens organically. Maybe let her take the lead.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
No one can tell you in advance if they are going to be wanting to have sex or not. It's not fair to expect that. And I certainly don't think you should be pressuring her to have sex just because you're on vacation, or she may decide separate vacations are more to her liking! If sex is lagging at home, no reason to think it will pick up on vacation unless she's just tired from the kids at home and too harried to be in the mood. Vacation with kids is more stressful than being home with them, requires more supervision, as far as that goes.

If you pressure for sex and she doesn't like that, you will ruin your own vacation and everyone else's. Just try to have a good time and see what happens organically. Maybe let her take the lead.
You reply is fair, but just for clarification, our youngest child is 17 years old, so having "kids" on vacation with us is not any work or caring for them.
 

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For me, the best thing about vacation sex is public sex. Sex on the balcony or on the beach at night. You’ll never see any of those people again in your life anyway.
Especially the people in your holding cell after your arrest for indecent exposure. LOL!
 

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So the kids shouldn't be interfering at home OR on vacation, then. But I'm gathering she just doesn't want sex as often as you do, and I'm just saying vacation wouldn't necessarily change that, especially if it hasn't on past ones, and it would be pressuring to ask her to commit to something like that. I mean, whatever her mood is, I wish the best for you and that she feels a good time is going on and that leads to her feeling like sex.

I guess for some, vacations bring out romance. But life isn't a Sandals commercial. Any unwanted pressure on that front will just ruin the vacation. I would let her take the lead on it and not do any pressure about it if it were me. I assume by now you can tell if she's in the mood without having to make overt overtures or conversation about it. Good luck.
 

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Curious on everyone's take on expectations for sex on scheduled vacations?
In my opinion this works like someone that just won the lottery. You can hear many stories about how winning the lottery destroyed someone's life or how it really helped it. The difference being where that person started from at the moment they won the lottery. Did they know how to manage a lot of money, or did they mostly how to mismanage money and waste it.

So expecting your sexual wellbeing to improve by taking a vacation is also like expecting that your quality of life will improve by winning the lottery. Seems like a reasonable thing to expect!

If you have a marriage with sexual problems and challenges, odds are you are going to mostly take those issues right along with you on your vacation. You will benefit from everything being new and different to some extent with regards to your location, but that can also prove to be distracting. Let's stay in the room and have sex versus going for a late night walk on the beach to watch the fireworks from the pier (OMG we are here at this wonderful location with so many things to do and now you want to just sit here in the hotel room and try to have sex?).

If I were you, I would insist on getting some good "prevacation" sex. You know, mostly to get it out of the way so that everyone can relax and enjoy being on vacation (which will lead to more sex while on vacation!).

Cheers,
Badsanta
 

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So, curiously, I have a very different tale to tell on this one. My wife and I have one significant vacation each year. Always in November or December, always a very long distance (we live in the US and have been to France, England, Egypt, Morocco, Tanzania, South Africa, Australia, Thailand, Cambodia, Israel, Zimbabwe, China...). I am completely in charge, the destination is unknown until 3-6 weeks before we go.

And on vacation, there's going to be daily and seemingly desired sex. Once the vacation's over, the desire is over. Completely. If I get her a new car, that's good for one day of desired sex. There may be one or two other times during the year, at most, where something is of such a monumental occasion that she will desire sex. The rest of the year, it's duty sex and for the most part, until just a few months ago, quite literally resented sex.

And there is no desired sex in the days leading up to something either. My wife lives in the moment and the moment has to be something really big.

So yes, vacations are a big plus for us for sex. Is she manipulating me? Or am I manipulating her? If the latter, I need to find a less expensive way to get there. From her perspective, she's got it pretty good, and admits that.
 

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It’s expected on our vacations and family trips. Luckily for me why wife usually stays in the mood when we go to the beach. Tomorrow we leave for Seaside for the week and I just packed our toys so that’s that.
I don’t recall going on a vacation/family trip and not having sex but I imagine if it did happen we would have a serious conversation on the matter.


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It’s expected on our vacations and family trips. Luckily for me why wife usually stays in the mood when we go to the beach. Tomorrow we leave for Seaside for the week and I just packed our toys so that’s that.
I don’t recall going on a vacation/family trip and not having sex but I imagine if it did happen we would have a serious conversation on the matter.
Seaside, FL? I lived near there and enjoyed the locality a great deal.

With my ex, sex was never a given under any circumstances - part of the reason she's an ex! This relationship is simply very sexual - it just happens, although more-so on vacation.
 

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My ex-husband didn't enjoy spending time with me. So, for him, vacations were not an opportunity for us to relax and have fun doing things together, spending time together, in a new and interesting place. For him, vacations were something he paid for with the expectation that I then owed him sex in return for his money and time being spent on something he didn't really want to do.

The "I paid for this, now you owe me" was a turn-off. The "I brought you somewhere fabulous (whether or not it was anywhere I actually wanted to go), so now you owe me" was a turn-off. The very obviously transactional nature of his approach to me was a turn-off. He expected to be paid in sex for being a "great guy". And he wasn't even all that concerned if I knew it. I owed him. End of story.

It was not a recipe for a close, loving, joyful relationship, sexually or emotionally, either at home or on vacation.

So, OP, I would say that if your marriage doesn't include a loving, mutually satisfying relationship - both sexually and non-sexually - at home, then hot sex is unlikely to just show up out of the ether on vacation. Even if, perhaps especially if, you're clearly expecting it to be part of the package deal.
 

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I think different people look at things differently. My aunt used to say "oh no...I'm on vacation which means I'm on vacation from that!!!!!!!!" and by all accounts, she and my uncle had a pretty good sex life until she got sick with Alzheimer's in her 80's. I think she just thought that as much as she enjoyed their sex life at home, vacation was a time when you put all the normal stuff of life on hold.

I'm not married but my boyfriend and I think more like you...when we are away and well rested, having fun, sex just seems better. We can do the same stuff we do all the time but it's just better somehow when you're on vacation. Sometimes we get more adventurous when we're on vacation. There are some days on vacation we'll have sex three times and other times we fall asleep at 8pm and didn't have any. That's the beauty of vacation, you can do what you want, when you want.

It might be tough to get your wife to change her opinion about this if she feels you're planning it. I'd make the conversation less about how your planning to have wild monkey sex on vacation and more about how you'd like to plan a vacation that will get you both so relaxed, recharged, and reconnected that you'll naturally WANT to have wild monkey sex together. Does that make sense??
 

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Discussion Starter #19
As the OP, I should add that I never state that sex is expected on vacation or make any direct mention of it. It is more that I have realized how it does and does not work on different types of vacations. It is not an active conversation between my wife and I, but something that bugs me, so I reached out on TAM to see how others felt.
 
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