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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hey everyone,

Its been a while since I posted on here, anyone who would like a quick backstory check out my previous thread "wife going away for a weekend without me" and as always, I really appreciate those of you who take the time to help me with this matter.

So were going through a divorce, not talking a massive amount, but speaking with a civil tongue when necessary for the sake of our daughter.

On thursday my STBXW came round for a chat and got quite emotional about how she "missed things" and was upset because she was sad and lonely and slightly jealous that I was dealing with everything better than she was. Being the sort of person I am I was more than happy to try and help her as best I could, and so when she left at the end of the night we agreed that she would come round the next day as she said it was nice to talk to me properly again.

The next evening she came round as planned, and I had some friends already round, we watched some movies and had some drinks and generally all of us had a lot of fun, it was just like old times, everyone was getting along. When my friends left things got a bit too friendly between me and my stbxw and we ended up sleeping together. When we awoke she was really happy and was pleased that we were getting on. She went home as we were both going out for separate friends birthdays that evening. After exiting the club later that night she came back to mine with me, I did not try to have sex with her or show too much love as I figured maybe last night was just the alcohol talking and I'd talk to her in the morning, and since that day was our anniversary that we might be able to talk well.

In the morning we had a chat about the relationships we had each been in since separation, we talked about how we missed eachother and agreed that since it was our anniversary, and was her birthday the following day we would go out for a meal. She was really pleased with this and before long we had sex again. We spent a long time cuddling and being very close and intimate, and even had a shower together, one of the things that we always used to like doing together.

We stayed in bed for most of the morning, before I took her home on my bike. She said that she would see me later as she had to pop round her friends for a few hours as they had some presents for her...

After 3 hours with no text I was a bit concerned as she wasn't replying, I could see where this was going. After 7 hours she finally text me to say she had decided to go to sleep and didn't want to do anything tonight.. I took her birthday presents round from my family and tried to talk to her like we did on the friday and the saturday, but she was cold.. She said she didn't want a relationship and wasn't ready for anything. I told her I thought that was unfair as she knew how I felt about her, she wouldn't let me touch her and refused to tell me that she felt anything for me.

Before I left she told me she would pop round this evening and she would talk to me then.. That's tonight, and right now I'm sitting at work asking myself what the hell happened..

Did she just use me for sex?, does she really feel something and is just scared?, is she purposely trying to destroy my happiness?

She's coming round tonight and I don't know how to play it.. 180 probably seems the best option.

I have been apart from her for months now, and have realised that I can be single yet still be happy, yet I would be lying if I said I wasn't still in love with her. The way she is going there will never be another chance, hell, we won't even be able to be friends, ill end up hating her!

Any advice would be much appreciated, thankyou all very much for your time.

Chris.
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I very much doubt that she just used you for a quick lay. Let's face it, any woman could walk into any bar in any town if that's what she wanted.

She might have thought (later on) ... OMG, this shouldn't have happened. I'm separated from him. supposed to be getting divorced ! She might want some time and space to sort out how she feels, before talking to you about it. She might even be wondering if you've used her just for sex, especially is she had had a few drinks (thinking, he took advantage of me. Whether you did or not, doesn't matter, but it might be a thought there)

Or ... when she went round to friends, she might have told them what happened. They've seen the breakup, and don't want to see it again, so they may be trying to discourage her, or get her to take it real slowly.

Plenty of possibilities. Doing the 180 and rejecting her outright might be the worst thing to do.
If, as you say, you still love her, then it's probably time to talk to her about it.

If you want to try for the relationship again, then something on the lines of
"What happened the other night shouldn't have happened, and if you want to forget it and never speak of it again, then we can do that (don't say 'that's fine', whatever you do). But, if it meant something to you, then I'd like for us to see if we can work this out".

If she says yes : Make it very clear that you are willing to go right from the start, you don't expect to be jumping straight into bed. She goes home this evening, you don't end up in bed tonight, even if she says yes, because you don't want her to feel like that again tomorrow.

If she says no : At least you'll know you've tried. Might not be much of a consolation, but you have opened up to her, and given it a shot

If she says 'maybe' : you're on your own, mate. Here be dragons !

Good luck !
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
I've tried talking to her about it last night.

She said she's not ready, but then why every now and again does she come round upset?

I've told her I love her, and I've done the grovelling thing in the past, I'm not going there again. She just says one of the following "it would be too hard, I'm not over it yet, I'm not ready for anything yet, I'm not in the right place right now"

She can't just keep coming round right?

She says that it meant a lot to her, and that she had a nice time, but she won't tell me if she loves me or not.

Her friends are toxic, and don't like me, they are immature and still think along the lines of "oooh they split up. We don't like him anymore" one of them was so bold as to tell me to "go away" when I turned up at her door, completely oblivious to the fact that I was going to pick my daughter up for the weekend. They are trouble.

Its all very hard, but I'm still so unsure on what to do.
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At one point your STBXW said to you that she felt sad and lonely and slightly jealous that you are dealing with everything better than she is. Could it be that she was just trying to see if she could still have you, that despite you are dealing better with the separation you still want her? Seeking confirmation you haven't really moved on?
And if you say she is under the influence of friends who don't like you it might be that they are making her doubt her feelings as well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
At one point your STBXW said to you that she felt sad and lonely and slightly jealous that you are dealing with everything better than she is. Could it be that she was just trying to see if she could still have you, that despite you are dealing better with the separation you still want her? Seeking confirmation you haven't really moved on?
And if you say she is under the influence of friends who don't like you it might be that they are making her doubt her feelings as well.
I'd say that much is certain mate, I just can't understand how she could do everything she does, and not get upset, or want me back. She just goes cold. :s
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Average childhood for someone in our town, certainly no worse than mine id imagine. Probably what you would call a mildly "bad girl" when she was young.

I don't think it would cause the problems we are having. After all things went so well for ages.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 · (Edited)
So I waited all night, finally got a text at 11:30pm.. "Its late now, I don't think we have time to talk, maybe another day"

In the end I just phoned her and told her to stay out of my life completely. I told her that I want nothing more to do with her unless it concerns our daughter. I feel bad about doing it over phone on her birthday, but she "didn't have the time" to see me, even though I live a minute walk from where she does.

I explained my reasons, how because of the way I feel about her it was unfair for her to come round on what would have been our anniversary weekend for sex under the pretence that it was something more. She sounded annoyed that I was saying these things, like somehow I was overreacting.

It was one of the hardest things I have had to do, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that woman. I'm still completely in love with her and would do anything to have her back, but herein lies the problem. I have tried EVERYTHING. And nothing has worked. I can't keep letting her walk in and out of my life, she has done this so many times since our split and everytime it makes me feel weak and upset, and this time, to go so far as sex on our anniversary weekend was just too much.

Any advice on where to go from here?
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Hey Chris, I know how u feel completely. My H and I been separated 12 months, in this 12 months we have had sex on numerous occasions. It's been good, but once he leaves he tells me it was a mistake and won't happen again. He tells me it messes with our heads and gives me false hope.. It hurts when this happens, u try not to think they have been using u, but those doubts certainly r there.. I don't know about u Chris but when I have been with my H, I'm trying to show him how much I care.. But obviously to no avail..
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 · (Edited)
Hey shaggy, I'm glad you found this thread.

Going dark is the only way I see things getting better for my happiness.

No it wasn't the same guy, someone completely unrelated, but who I'm vaguely aware of. I don't know him well personally, my ex knows him slightly better, but most of my friends know him as a ****. It happened at butlins.. No surprise there.

I'm not surprised she did it, revenge perhaps? I have slept with several women since our breakup. But each time, its because I have felt no hope at the situation, my STBXW has told me its over and she doesn't want me back so many times I feel so lonely every now and again. And nearly always end up sleeping with someone else.

But for her I'm not sure of her reasons, I expressly told her (before butlins) that I wanted her back and still loved her, yet she went and did it anyway.

I know that I could work through this, I guess maybe she can't.

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Hey Chris, I know how u feel completely. My H and I been separated 12 months, in this 12 months we have had sex on numerous occasions. It's been good, but once he leaves he tells me it was a mistake and won't happen again. He tells me it messes with our heads and gives me false hope.. It hurts when this happens, u try not to think they have been using u, but those doubts certainly r there.. I don't know about u Chris but when I have been with my H, I'm trying to show him how much I care.. But obviously to no avail..
Thanks for the reply.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this too.. And you're right I'm feeling very similar to how you do.

In many ways I would like the sex to keep happening, as it sometimes seems like its better than nothing, and makes me feel that if I show her I care she will take me back.. But that's not the way its going to be. I have to be strong and say "NO" No matter how much it hurts me to do that.

I just don't understand how they can be so completely loving when you are in bed with them, then so emotionally detached when a new day comes. I'd imagine its a combination of bad advice from her family and friends, her recent, stupidly warped sense of pride, and convincing herself that it won't work.

Its all very sad.
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I expressly told her (before butlins) that I wanted her back and still loved her, yet she went and did it anyway.
BUTLINS on her own?? Asking for trouble there mate. Have you seen what they get up to??

Tellling her those things informs her that you are still around, so in her head she can go to BUTLINS and do her things, knowing full well that if it all went Pete Tong, you would be around to rescue her.

Go no contact with this woman, let her lose her Plan B.

My wife came back for sex after me giving her 3 months of no contact, what for?? NOTHING.....and thats where we are now with NOTHING. Shes playing with your emotions, pulling those heart strings, making you doubt yourself.

Move on, do better, and most importantly....be happier

Good luck
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Yeah I know what happens at butlins, its a Sh1t hole, I went with her last year. But by this year I had already filed for divorce by the time she had gone, I knew she was calling herself single from the day she left, and I knew something would happen.

It doesn't bother me a huge amount, I'm willing to forgive and move on, but what she is doing now is nearly unforgivable.
I don't want her anywhere near my life, she will just ruin it.

I started to move on months ago, I was doing well.. I can do it again.
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BUTLINS on her own?? Asking for trouble there mate. Have you seen what they get up to??

Tellling her those things informs her that you are still around, so in her head she can go to BUTLINS and do her things, knowing full well that if it all went Pete Tong, you would be around to rescue her.

Go no contact with this woman, let her lose her Plan B.

My wife came back for sex after me giving her 3 months of no contact, what for?? NOTHING.....and thats where we are now with NOTHING. Shes playing with your emotions, pulling those heart strings, making you doubt yourself.

Move on, do better, and most importantly....be happier

Good luck
:iagree:

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Yeah I know what happens at butlins, its a Sh1t hole, I went with her last year. But by this year I had already filed for divorce by the time she had gone, I knew she was calling herself single from the day she left, and I knew something would happen.

It doesn't bother me a huge amount, I'm willing to forgive and move on, but what she is doing now is nearly unforgivable.
I don't want her anywhere near my life, she will just ruin it.

I started to move on months ago, I was doing well.. I can do it again.
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Good to hear Chris, dust yourself down, forgive yourself, and do it again.

I had to, and it can be done :)
 

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You have to thank her for what she has taught you. Wait another month and when she comes back, smile and thank her for a lesson well learned the last time the both of you tried to have relations.

So go dark, keep your distance and when she comes back you know exactly what to do and how to respond.

Again, a lesson well learned. I have to believe, that this kind of thing will never happen again.

If you wanted to spend the energy, you can always play her the next time she comes around. Warm up to her, get her into bed, then as quick as you can get out of bed and ask her to get dressed and leave. maybe you could really burn her and take a picture of the two of you the next time she comes around and then send it to the Om and tell him you guys are getting back together, then ask her to leave.

Ya I know....stooping to her level, but she kind of diserves it.LOL
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
There is that yeah, she's taught me lessons, and they are the kind I won't soon forget..

I do believe like you say, she will come back, but it will just be like the last time. No commitment, I know that now and won't give her the chance.

You're right, I could play her, and to be honest I can't imagine it being too hard to do, sometimes I get angry and think that maybe next time ill do just that But ill be kidding myself really, if she was to ever come back I wouldn't be able to do it, I'd just fall for her, and give into emotion once again. I CANNOT allow this to happen which is why I have asked her to cease contact.. Besides, if I did find myself able to play her then I wouldn't, I'd already emotionally be in a place that I was aiming for anyway, detatched.

Ill keep some moral high ground and just stay the hell away!

Thanks for the input!
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