[life101]

Hello everyone! I have been reading this forum for the last couple of weeks. As you can all understand, I am at a crossroad and need any all kind of help urgently. I would like to thank you in advance for taking the time to read about my problems and providing any suggestion. I posted this in another forum, but didn't receive any comment and this one seems to be more appropriate. I apologize for the double posting.

Hello everyone! I have been reading this forum for the last couple of weeks. As you can all understand, I am at a crossroad and need any all kind of help urgently. I would like to thank you in advance for taking the time to read about my problems and providing any suggestion.

1. I know my wife for 7 years.
2. We got married a year and half ago.
3. We have seen each other for about 2 months in the last two years due to career reasons.
4. We last met about 4 months ago.
5. She has been reducing the volume of contact with me for the past six months. This made me mad and we fought a lot over it. She also didn't get along with my family and blamed me for not providing her with any emotional support.
6. She told me a few weeks ago that she doesn't have any feeling for me and doesn't care about me anymore.
7. She is hell bent on divorce and feels that we both deserve better partners.
8. For the last 8-9 months she has been out every weekend with a group of friends both male and female. But if I asked who were there she would get angry and not tell me. I said mean things to her. She also said mean things. WHen we started dating she would sometimes be mean and I would stay calm, but now I was getting angry a lot. On one occassion my wife went with her friends for a two day trip and didn't call me even once. I called her about 40 times but she didn't pick the phone up. She talked to her parents though but didn't pick up my phone even at 10 pm.
9. She didn't want to have sex last time we met.
10. This year she forgot to wish me on my birthday, which never happened before.
11. We were having problems for last one year because she felt I didn't take enough responsibility.
12. I am going to meet her in a month and she wants to finalize divorce week from when we meet again.
13. She told me that she needs to rebuild her life and it will take her some time, but I make her suffocated and if she has to live with me, she will die.

My questions to all you patient people are:
(1) Is there any hope for us?
(2) What do I do in the meantime? I will see her in a month.
(3) What should I tell her when we meet?
(4) What other help should I get?

 

[life101]

I just found out when she visited me she kept talking to this guy a lot on phone while I was out. So that settles it.

 

[MSC71]

Called her 40 times? I see why she feels smothered.... Anyways it sounds like you are pretty much divorced already with the little time you have seen each other.

 

[life101]

Called her 40 times? I see why she feels smothered.... Anyways it sounds like you are pretty much divorced already with the little time you have seen each other.

That was one day and I did it because I feared that she might have met with an accident on the trip.

 

[MSC71]

That was one day and I did it because I feared that she might have met with an accident on the trip.

have you talked with her since your first posted ? I think right now its best to not contact her at all, and if you do talk avoid marriage discussion as it will end with you guys arguing. Not contacting someone you love is extremely hard. I have done it, slipped up and kept trying. Try not to beat yourself up. In the end if someone doesn't want to be with you, there is not much you can do. And that part sucks.

 

[life101]

have you talked with her since your first posted ? I think right now its best to not contact her at all, and if you do talk avoid marriage discussion as it will end with you guys arguing. Not contacting someone you love is extremely hard. I have done it, slipped up and kept trying. Try not to beat yourself up. In the end if someone doesn't want to be with you, there is not much you can do. And that part sucks.

MSC, thnks for the reply. Yes I have talked to her. I also found the proof of her infidelity. I feel like I don't know the person I loved anymore, and as if that person never existed. She said that I was not told before since she feared that I would contest the divorce if I knew! I have forgiven her and if she could show any remorse, I would still take her back. I forgave her twice before for EA and forgave her again the third time. But she has no remorse and doesn't want to stay married to me anymore. So she is going to get her wish granted. I am not going to spend the rest of my life with person who can allow another person to live the rest of his life in self-hate and pain just to suit her own selfish needs. However, if there is some miraculous transformation on her part, it might be game on again.

I am not contacting her anymore. In fact I asked her to not contact me for a month. It is getting better. The mornings are the worst though.

Life takes mysterious turns when you least expect them. I am confident I will come out of it as a better human being. I wish the same for my STBXW.

 

[bobby5]

Sounds lioke you are on the right track. The trick is to let that person know you are interested but not dependent. You are willing to make changes, they must understand that no matter who did what, when one person is changing for the better the other should change their behaviour to the other person too. Any positive modifications must be long term and sustainable and she must know you can move on and you are going to have a great life with or without her. Its not easty and no one encounter or phone call can be expected to sort it. Also no games. If she plays games you be the mature one. Be consistent, kind and strong and honest. Strong means being able to break contact and not do and say hurtful things. Focus on positive things and dont bring up old hurts. Dont appologise for things you werent the cause of or which she never complained about.
I would like you opinion on my counseling fear
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...nseling-end-all-hope-me-help.html#post1232658

 

[life101]

Sounds lioke you are on the right track. The trick is to let that person know you are interested but not dependent. You are willing to make changes, they must understand that no matter who did what, when one person is changing for the better the other should change their behaviour to the other person too. Any positive modifications must be long term and sustainable and she must know you can move on and you are going to have a great life with or without her. Its not easty and no one encounter or phone call can be expected to sort it. Also no games. If she plays games you be the mature one. Be consistent, kind and strong and honest. Strong means being able to break contact and not do and say hurtful things. Focus on positive things and dont bring up old hurts. Dont appologise for things you werent the cause of or which she never complained about.
I would like you opinion on my counseling fear
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...nseling-end-all-hope-me-help.html#post1232658

Thanks for the kind words. I have given my thoughts on your question. Wish you all the best.

 

[In The Dark]

I would recommend moving this thread to Coping with Infidelity. You would get a lot more feedback for your situation.

 

[life101]

I would recommend moving this thread to Coping with Infidelity. You would get a lot more feedback for your situation.

Thanks. I requested for it.

 

[Plan 9 from OS]

Sorry you're here. The first 3 bullet points are the root cause of all the marital problems - you don't have to read past bullet 3. I have a few questions:

1) Did the two of you end up pursuing careers that resulted in long term separation out of necessity or was it by choice?

2) If you had to do this out of necessity, did you know that these long term separations were going to be a part of the marriage before the wedding? I assume yes because you state that you've been married for 1.5 years but have been following this work schedule for 2 years.

3) Did the two of you have a plan to eventually end up in the same location to pursue both of your careers, or was your current situation open ended?

4) If this arrangement was by choice (and not forced on you due to circumstances), then why would you marry her?

I think you see the gist of my questions. The root cause is that you two are married in name only. In reality, you are two single people who happen to get together to shack up periodically. I'm not trying to be cruel, but I'm trying to be as direct as possible. IMHO, this marriage was doomed to fail before it even got off the ground. The problem appears to be that the two of you pursued different careers that resulted in the two of you not living together. This is toxic for a marriage. One of you had to yield to the other so that the two of you could live together. No one bit the bullet and quit their current job for the sake of the spouse.

I'm sorry, but this marriage was dead the moment the two of you went your separate ways for your careers - I'm guessing at the very beginning. If you're lucky, you two can get an annulment. I'm guessing the two of you have very little in the way of shared assets. Let it go and move on.

 

[life101]

1) Did the two of you end up pursuing careers that resulted in long term separation out of necessity or was it by choice?

It was out of necessity. We envisioned a life together and for that we need to endure temporary separation. Since we were together for 5 years before getting married, I thought the bond was strong. I overestimated it.

2) If you had to do this out of necessity, did you know that these long term separations were going to be a part of the marriage before the wedding? I assume yes because you state that you've been married for 1.5 years but have been following this work schedule for 2 years.

Yes, we both knew what we were getting into. The funny thing is that it was her who wanted to get married as soon as possible once we had to live apart.

3) Did the two of you have a plan to eventually end up in the same location to pursue both of your careers, or was your current situation open ended?

Yes, yes, and yes. I also pleaded with her to come and live with me. It would have been a lot easier for her to come here and get a better opportunity. Once I am done with what I am doing, we would have been so well off that she could even choose not to work.

4) If this arrangement was by choice (and not forced on you due to circumstances), then why would you marry her?

This marriage was out of choice since I love her and thought she loved me too. The living apart situation is out of compulsions. I thought we have built so many dreams over the years that our love could overcome everything. Again, bad understanding on my part.

Thanks for the response. The way things are moving, I think divorce is the only possible solution. She doesn't want to be with me. She started going out with OM six months past marriage and professed their love to each other even before the marriage was one year old.

 

[JCD]

You no longer have a say in what happens, which is sad. I feel for you because I'm in a long distance relationship as well due to necessity...and choice.

She didn't wait six months before she was sleeping with someone else.

Huh. After the marriage SHE demanded.

I think the next visit would be best served by renting a storage unit and securing your valuables. Don't tell her where it is either. For the most impact, pack all the stuff when she is out so she can come to a suddenly emptier apartment.

This will hurt her feelings but you need to stop caring about her feelings because she certainly stopped caring about yours a long time ago.

Women fake it better than men. Orgasms, relationships, whatever.

So now your career options are WIDE open.

Oh...and don't send her a DIME any more. Not a DIME. It isn't your problem. Let a judge tell you what you HAVE to pay.

Parties are easy when someone else is paying for them.

 

[Jonesey]

She started going out with OM six months past marriage and professed their love to each other even before the marriage was one year old.

WTF ,WTF UNBELIEVABLE ... I´m so sorry man..Damn that is so effiing CRUEL

 

[life101]

You no longer have a say in what happens, which is sad. I feel for you because I'm in a long distance relationship as well due to necessity...and choice.

She didn't wait six months before she was sleeping with someone else.

Huh. After the marriage SHE demanded.

I think the next visit would be best served by renting a storage unit and securing your valuables. Don't tell her where it is either. For the most impact, pack all the stuff when she is out so she can come to a suddenly emptier apartment.

This will hurt her feelings but you need to stop caring about her feelings because she certainly stopped caring about yours a long time ago.

Women fake it better than men. Orgasms, relationships, whatever.

So now your career options are WIDE open.

Oh...and don't send her a DIME any more. Not a DIME. It isn't your problem. Let a judge tell you what you HAVE to pay.

Parties are easy when someone else is paying for them.

Thanks for the reply. Yes she is going to get something similar to that. The thing is, if she was so unhappy, she should have taken up my offer and stay with me.

She started going out with OM six months past marriage and professed their love to each other even before the marriage was one year old.

WTF ,WTF UNBELIEVABLE ... I´m so sorry man..Damn that is so effiing CRUEL

I still cannot believe it myself. How could she do it to me? I want to know one last thing: why? I am yet to get it out of her. I feel like it is genetic. I heard that her mother might have had a problem like that, her elder sister definitely had this problem, and she did it twice before. I was blinded by love/ under the charm/ perma-fogged that I chose to disregard all those signs.

 

[staystrong]

It sounds like she is already emotionally divorced from you and you are catching up. It could take months to get there.

I'm very sorry for your situation.

 

[hookares]

My questions to all you patient people are:
(1) Is there any hope for us?

NO

(2) What do I do in the meantime? I will see her in a month.

Start planning your life from here forward without her.

(3) What should I tell her when we meet?

Goodbye and good luck. (the latter only if you mean it)

(4) What other help should I get?

If there are assets to be divided, you need to contact an
attorney. This is especially true if you are the sole support for
relationship.

 

[TDSC60]

Don't dwell on the "why". You will never get an answer that you like.

Just put her in your rear-view and chalk it up to a learning experience.

Good luck.

Few marriages can survive only seeing each other 2 months out of 24 regardless of the reason.

 

[life101]

Thanks for the support everyone. I will take up the suggestions.

 

[life101]

I have an update. It has been two weeks since the discovery of my wife's EA (and possible PA). I am doing complete 180. Today I got a message from her asking if she can talk to me for 2 minutes. She didn't call me though, just texted.

Question: should I call her or let her call me? My gut feeling is that I just sit tight and do whatever I am doing. At this point, I am indifferent whether I remain married or not, and if I don't see any remorse I am going to file for divorce myself. I will be in her city in a couple of weeks.

Any help is much appreciated.

This is the text: "Can i talk to u for just 2 mins?"

Also, after the discovery, I told her and her family not to bother me for a month.