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I'm tired of being in limbo!!!!!!!! I don't know if this time we are spending apart is so she can "figure things out", if is a precursor to divorce, or if she will somehow realize what she is tossing away. I'm not betting on anything. We have 4 kids, we had a marriage everyone thought was great (everyone is shocked by this), great memories, huge, close family, vacations, white picket fence, butterflies and blue skies. Everyone on her side of the family loves me (I don't mean to sound cocky, but they do). She is at her parents now (imagine being the parents of a 41 year old who has moved back home to figure out her life, with four kids and a dog, and the kids still have to do homework, etc, and while she is at work in the day the grandparents deal with all the constant refereeing/cleaning up/etc. That was all my job before, by the way, (homework, refereeing, etc, since I retired early to stay home to do it). Why the break? She has been complaining that I never gave her "space" so I finally told her to take some time at her parents if that was what she needs, and since she argued that she should take the kids, I finally agreed. I know, I know.... But I've been working my arse off to save this marriage, and although everyone knows it, everyone (including her parents) kept telling me I have yet to allow her to have the "space" she had been asking for. The kids will be back with me at home after a week. Then, I guess we will see. But whatever happens, I'll be able to say I gave her everything she asked for.

I don't know if I should keep up the fight or say screw this. I'm a fighter (figuratively) and I don't quit on things. I believe with the right attitude you can fix anything. But, as far as giving up/keeping up, I'm 50/50 on it, and sometimes 90/10, and sometimes 10/90... It's just that I read about all these people on here who keep putting up with a confused spouse, and sometimes they never seem to get over them, and I don't want to be that guy. There are two major things holding me back...

1) The desire to fight for my marriage, and my kids, and to repair things, and not throw away 16 years, just because of a few bad months,
2) I think about the logistics of getting a divorce, and selling our house, our debt, etc, and it STRESSES ME OUT. If it was an easy split, I think I'd be gone, and she could figure out her life on her own (yes, I'm talking tough now, sure). But I think if we were not so upside down on the RV loan, it would make it easier for me to make a decision. We owe TWICE what that stupid thing is worth, and it is an expensive rig. I have no idea how we'd deal with that issue. Please don't counsel me on the stupidity of getting in the RV debt, I already feel stupid enough (it was a "we will use this the rest of our lives" purchase). I am afraid of bankruptcy, because I want to buy a house, plus I don't think they'd grant one since I can technically afford the payment. I don't make a ton of money, but I make average money and don't have a car payment. I don't want to default and just stop paying on it, because I want to be able to buy my own house and I'm sure that would screw up my credit. I can get a VA loan, if we sell this house, if that matters.

If anyone has experience in this I'd love to hear it. I don't think we'd be able to sell the house any time soon, and if we did there wouldn't be enough left over to pay off the RV.
 

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@stratdude

Just from a finances point of view, for your upside down RV loan, I have three ideas:
1) Refinance it at a lower interest rate
2) Make extra payments. In other words, make your normal monthly payment and also make a mid-month additional payment--whether it is $25 or $300. This will gradually get you to a point of owing what it's worth...and then you can sell it and get out from under it.
3) Trade the RV back into the dealer for a less expensive, used RV. The formula is Loan - Value = Negative equity...then Value - Negative equity = Used RV you can afford. Here's some fake numbers: Loan=$60k; Value=$50k
Okay $60k - $50k = negative $10k equity. $50k - $10k = $40k Used RV you could get.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
As far as whether or not she is cheating, I don't think that helps matters, at least in this case. It is a no fault state. Yes, she had an EA and got caught up in texting. She says that is done, but I don't put too much thought into it right now. I'm more pissed at the way she reacted after I found out, by turning it on me, etc. And to be honest, part of me says to myself "If that dude wants to date a girl who has four kids, texted someone outside the marriage, and is a mental case right now, I'm not seeing it as all that of a promising relationship, so good luck to them if that is the case." So as far as her using this to go get laid, that is wasted thought for me. Already tossed it around too much as it is.
 

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I heard that with all this corona virus stuff, RV's are selling like hotcakes, so maybe you want to try and SELL the RV at a premium to pay off the loan?
For the rest, maybe talk with a few lawyers to try and have them help YOU figure out the divorce, custody, debt, etc. That MAY help you understand what you would face and then you can plan accordingly (NOT saying you should divorce -- just try to get as much info as you can).

"She has been complaining that I never gave her "space" "
This is the ONLY REASON she is giving you for leaving? Seems to not be the whole story....
 

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Discussion Starter #6
"She has been complaining that I never gave her "space" "
This is the ONLY REASON she is giving you for leaving? Seems to not be the whole story....
No, it is not the whole story, but it is similar to so many others here. She got caught texting. She felt something was missing from our relationship. She admits she was being selfish and liked the attention (she was enjoying other flirtatious attention too), probably because she feels she is getting older (she admits that0. She is now suddenly upset over things I did/failed to do throughout our past (basic annoyances spouses have, like not helping with groceries or listening enough), and recites them like ammunition, anytime we talk about "working things out", etc etc. We've been going to counseling, and she says we are trying to work things out (even in the texts I've seen to others on her phone). I've never seen her text to anyone that "we are done" but I don't think she knows what she wants. She admits she is scared of someday looking back and knowing it was the worst mistake she ever made if we divorce. I don't know. But I'm not going to play this game for years like some people do.

We are probably 20-30 grand upside down on the RV loan. We traded in one that we still owed money on. The wife wanted a new RV, and I told her pick the one she wanted. Why? Because I'm a narcissist who didn't hold her hand enough and didn't help with the groceries and always did things my way. Thats why.
 

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No, it is not the whole story, but it is similar to so many others here. She got caught texting. She felt something was missing from our relationship. She admits she was being selfish and liked the attention (she was enjoying other flirtatious attention too), probably because she feels she is getting older (she admits that0. She is now suddenly upset over things I did/failed to do throughout our past (basic annoyances spouses have, like not helping with groceries or listening enough), and recites them like ammunition, anytime we talk about "working things out", etc etc. We've been going to counseling, and she says we are trying to work things out (even in the texts I've seen to others on her phone). I've never seen her text to anyone that "we are done" but I don't think she knows what she wants. She admits she is scared of someday looking back and knowing it was the worst mistake she ever made if we divorce. I don't know. But I'm not going to play this game for years like some people do.

We are probably 20-30 grand upside down on the RV loan. We traded in one that we still owed money on. The wife wanted a new RV, and I told her pick the one she wanted. Why? Because I'm a narcissist who didn't hold her hand enough and didn't help with the groceries and always did things my way. Thats why.
SO, what I see from this is HER trying to re-write your marital history to justify WHY it was ok for her to have an EA or text whoever she wanted and flirt with whoever. Ya know, because YOU are AWFUL and didn't carry in the groceries.
I can see how cheating and not carrying groceries are equal (NOT!!!).

Sounds like a mid-life crisis kind of thing with her. In addition to any marriage counseling, I think that SHE may need to see an IC -- she needs to figure out why she cheated if nothing else. If you don't ask for that, and you DO stay together, what's to stop it from happening again?

I think you need to plan for both -- if the counseling works and she comes to her senses, great. If not, have your plan for THAT outcome as well.
Just make sure you stay close with your kids, let THEM know you love them and have fun with them, and work on YOURSELF. You can't control what SHE does, but you can control yourself -- work out, eat right, improve what you think you need to, and live.
This sucks, but you WILL eventually get through it -- one way or another.
 
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