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A while back I had a thread about the emotional issues in my marriage. My husband wasn't putting effort into meeting my needs, even though I was meeting his. He promised that things would change.
And they did...sort of. The quantity of what he did increased. I got little things each week, but it didn't feel as if he was genuinely trying to work at it. He'd come home, we'd either eat and wait for yoga to start, or we'd go to the gym and then eat when we got home. We'd watch t.v. and then go to bed. This was our cycle for quite some time.
Well, I got really tired of giving without getting true effort in return, so I decided to stop. Massages are things he really likes, and I was giving him one about three times a week. Once I stopped, I had to remind him to do the weekly thing for me, or else it wouldn't get done.
Recently we talked. It was actually a great talk. I was terrified of bringing some things up, not because I thought he'd be mad, but because I was worried about how he would feel. Three nights in a row I'd had dreams about being with three different men that I know, a different man each dream. In these dreams I was happy and fulfilled, two things I don't get consistently in my marriage.
My husband isn't abusive or mean, just...distant. He had a terrible example of what marriage should be in his parents. My parents were always openly affectionate with each other. His parents were openly argumentative, and his father had a tendency to be downright mean to my husband's mother. Not abusive, just mean. There were good times between them as well, but they weren't openly affectionate or romantic so my husband saw the negative much more than the positive. He did learn that a good husband works hard to provide for his family, and also spends quality time with them making memories.
My family was vastly different. My mom and dad worked hard too, and we made memories through doing things together too, but they were also affectionate to each and other and to my brother and I. My dad was not emotionally distant. He was emotionally invested in our lives, and when I was 16 took me out on my first date to show me how a guy should treat me.
So it's not surprising that I am the more romantic of the two of us, and my husband is the hard worker who just isn't outwardly emotionally invested in our relationship.
In our talk we discussed that, and I outright asked him if he wanted to be with me, or if he thought he would be happier with someone else. I told him about the dreams I had had, and he admitted to having thought that he might be happier with someone else, and that he thought I might be happier with someone else as well. I told him that, even though I had dreams of myself in relationships with three men I knew, I did not feel attraction or a desire to be with any of them, which is true. I also told him that I really don't want to seek out a new relationship. The newness of another relationship is appealing, but is also stressful to think about. We considered the pros and cons of divorcing and trying to find new people to date, and we agreed that even though our initial reaction is excitement, when we think of starting over in a new relationship, we just think it would be stressful.
I told him I did not want to be with anyone else. Even though we have a big issue we need to sort through, this really is our only issue. Sexually we're very compatible, spiritually we're very compatible, morally we're very compatible, we share the same political beliefs...most importantly, I really do love him. And I believe he loves me. We've just had very different family experiences, and he's turning out to be a lot like his father.
So, I asked him what he needed from me to feel happy and fulfilled as a husband. Sex is a big one, but that hasn't been much of an issue. The frequency has decreased, but it's been gradually increasing as I deal with my personal issues. I tend to be over sensitive when I'm disappointed, and I let things affect me too much. I've been working on that, and it has helped. I know that sex is vital to a marriage, and I know my husband will be more likely to feel loved if I show love. And sex definitely increases the feeling of intimacy between us, which helps to decrease the feeling of distance.
He also said that quality time is big for him. (No surprise.) He wants us to do things outside of the home more often; go bowling, go to the gym, take yoga, etc. I told him that I just need to be pursued; I need to feel desirable. Getting flowers makes me feel special; I also love books, and getting books from him helps me to feel like he's investing in things that matter to me. I really could care less about jewelry or chocolates. Going on dates makes me feel desirable; like even though we're married, he still wants to make me happy, and he still wants to know me even more intimately. More than anything, it shows his interest in the success of the relationship. Physical affection is probably one of the biggest things, followed by verbal affirmation.
Romance for now is more on hold. Although these things effect the romantic atmosphere in a positive way, they're not so much "romantic" in my opinion. But I'd rather feel desirable and feel pursued right now.
We agreed that these things were understandable and reasonable, and we each agreed to put the other first. Tonight, he's asked me on a date. We're going bowling. He's been much more physically affectionate with me in the last few days, and last night he bought me some beautiful glass plates and a new teapot for my Christmas tea party tomorrow. I didn't ask him to do this. He'd heard me talking about needing some plates, and just bought them at the store while we were shopping. That meant a lot.
I'm hoping that this really is a change. We both got to open up and admit to our true feelings, but we also saw that we really don't want to leave each other. I know that things won't change entirely overnight. Baby steps forward are better than no steps at all, or going backward.
Anyway, just thought I'd give an update.
And they did...sort of. The quantity of what he did increased. I got little things each week, but it didn't feel as if he was genuinely trying to work at it. He'd come home, we'd either eat and wait for yoga to start, or we'd go to the gym and then eat when we got home. We'd watch t.v. and then go to bed. This was our cycle for quite some time.
Well, I got really tired of giving without getting true effort in return, so I decided to stop. Massages are things he really likes, and I was giving him one about three times a week. Once I stopped, I had to remind him to do the weekly thing for me, or else it wouldn't get done.
Recently we talked. It was actually a great talk. I was terrified of bringing some things up, not because I thought he'd be mad, but because I was worried about how he would feel. Three nights in a row I'd had dreams about being with three different men that I know, a different man each dream. In these dreams I was happy and fulfilled, two things I don't get consistently in my marriage.
My husband isn't abusive or mean, just...distant. He had a terrible example of what marriage should be in his parents. My parents were always openly affectionate with each other. His parents were openly argumentative, and his father had a tendency to be downright mean to my husband's mother. Not abusive, just mean. There were good times between them as well, but they weren't openly affectionate or romantic so my husband saw the negative much more than the positive. He did learn that a good husband works hard to provide for his family, and also spends quality time with them making memories.
My family was vastly different. My mom and dad worked hard too, and we made memories through doing things together too, but they were also affectionate to each and other and to my brother and I. My dad was not emotionally distant. He was emotionally invested in our lives, and when I was 16 took me out on my first date to show me how a guy should treat me.
So it's not surprising that I am the more romantic of the two of us, and my husband is the hard worker who just isn't outwardly emotionally invested in our relationship.
In our talk we discussed that, and I outright asked him if he wanted to be with me, or if he thought he would be happier with someone else. I told him about the dreams I had had, and he admitted to having thought that he might be happier with someone else, and that he thought I might be happier with someone else as well. I told him that, even though I had dreams of myself in relationships with three men I knew, I did not feel attraction or a desire to be with any of them, which is true. I also told him that I really don't want to seek out a new relationship. The newness of another relationship is appealing, but is also stressful to think about. We considered the pros and cons of divorcing and trying to find new people to date, and we agreed that even though our initial reaction is excitement, when we think of starting over in a new relationship, we just think it would be stressful.
I told him I did not want to be with anyone else. Even though we have a big issue we need to sort through, this really is our only issue. Sexually we're very compatible, spiritually we're very compatible, morally we're very compatible, we share the same political beliefs...most importantly, I really do love him. And I believe he loves me. We've just had very different family experiences, and he's turning out to be a lot like his father.
So, I asked him what he needed from me to feel happy and fulfilled as a husband. Sex is a big one, but that hasn't been much of an issue. The frequency has decreased, but it's been gradually increasing as I deal with my personal issues. I tend to be over sensitive when I'm disappointed, and I let things affect me too much. I've been working on that, and it has helped. I know that sex is vital to a marriage, and I know my husband will be more likely to feel loved if I show love. And sex definitely increases the feeling of intimacy between us, which helps to decrease the feeling of distance.
He also said that quality time is big for him. (No surprise.) He wants us to do things outside of the home more often; go bowling, go to the gym, take yoga, etc. I told him that I just need to be pursued; I need to feel desirable. Getting flowers makes me feel special; I also love books, and getting books from him helps me to feel like he's investing in things that matter to me. I really could care less about jewelry or chocolates. Going on dates makes me feel desirable; like even though we're married, he still wants to make me happy, and he still wants to know me even more intimately. More than anything, it shows his interest in the success of the relationship. Physical affection is probably one of the biggest things, followed by verbal affirmation.
Romance for now is more on hold. Although these things effect the romantic atmosphere in a positive way, they're not so much "romantic" in my opinion. But I'd rather feel desirable and feel pursued right now.
We agreed that these things were understandable and reasonable, and we each agreed to put the other first. Tonight, he's asked me on a date. We're going bowling. He's been much more physically affectionate with me in the last few days, and last night he bought me some beautiful glass plates and a new teapot for my Christmas tea party tomorrow. I didn't ask him to do this. He'd heard me talking about needing some plates, and just bought them at the store while we were shopping. That meant a lot.
I'm hoping that this really is a change. We both got to open up and admit to our true feelings, but we also saw that we really don't want to leave each other. I know that things won't change entirely overnight. Baby steps forward are better than no steps at all, or going backward.Anyway, just thought I'd give an update.
