[sleeping_sandman]

Let me throw in my 2 cents:
You seem to have developed self-esteem issues.
The card game was only a trigger. If you do not have any suspicions on her part (being unhappy with you, maybe even view you low or smthg like this), which can be a trigger in itself, this trigger is on you.
Take a look back, if possible, when did this start? Was there a trigger of some sort, even a harmless one, like your wife looking at another man at the pool, in the mall or whatever.
Sometimes the minutest of things that your partner does can trigger a buried issue. It is not that bad, it just needs working. Otherwise it becomes bad.
Maybe you yourself saw, heard or did something to trigger that. If you can find it work it out. Otherwise maybe it would be a good idea to talk to your wife about it. She knows you better than you do yourself, maybe.

And get rid of the time schedule, ffs. How shall a man maintain an erection on command? How should a woman (a normal woman that is) be ready and willing for sex on command and timeline?
If you want sex, let her know. Hug her, grope her decently (at first if she doesn't shut you down continue) and wait for a reaction. Respect her boundaries and she highly likely will repect yours.

As long as your marriage has no other issues (money, trust, too much stress at work, different desires etc. pp.) it should be a solveable problem as long as you include her.
And don't go for "I don't know." You have to work it out. Otherwise it will destroy you both in the end.

I like to share something on a more light hearted note, maybe that helps:
My wife and I are a bit peculiar.
I was always into BDSM. Hard. dom, sub, switch... all of it. Never got the kicks out of vanilla sex before my wife. All my girlfriends before her are still grossed out by me to this day.
She is a submissive. Like in the real sense.
Normal woman with selfesteem for the both of us in normal life.
She even let's me cry at her shoulder when my daytime job is too overwhelming, in real life she is the one Alamo position I can fall back on when the world is cruel. Never a mean or demeaning word from her. Just comfort and peace.

But in the sack (and in any other sexrelated place) I have to call the shots, all of them. I have to, because this is the one sure thing that fires her up big time.

When I found out (by accident non the less, but that's another story for sure) it triggered my dom, which I hid so deep inside that 2 years into our relationship I was at the verge of breaking.
Moody as a little child, outbursts and tears the whole hoobaloo. Manbaby is the word of choice for that period.
And that with a partner that was a closet sub... FML at that point, I guess.
I certainly was the biggest turnoff ever for her in these 3 months it took to figure us out.
Worst of all should have known that beforehand given where I met her the first time. But dense me didn't.
We can still laugh about that, by the way. Well, I can. If she laughs she is in for a punishment Don't know why she will never learn this mihihihi.
That was somewhat 30 years ago. Since then she had given in to herself completely.
Hard boundaries though.

In sex-play I command. From BJ to weird things, she begs. In normal sex we are equal. Which hasn't worked for a long while now.
I am her only dom (most of the time) and she is my one and only submissive sweetheart (all the time).

And before Snowbum chimes in (SCNR this one, Snow, please don't take offence)
We have safewords and hard boundaries in play. No command to her to be shared with other men or women at any time unless particularly told so by her up front, stuff like that. The moment she gives into herself she is out and would do it to please me, but afterwards I would be in **** deeper than the Mariana Trench.
She is so used to be commanded in all things sex that it takes a while for her to feel "the wrong" in it at that particular moment.
Safewords are to be obeyed at any time and immediately.

By the way
Yes, we have children. Never understood where they came from. Has something to do with bees and flowers and big enough paddle I guess.
Hope fetishes are not inherited, that would make for quite odd breakfast table talks...

So that's it

And that's what you two have to do:
Find the initial trigger. Work on it.
Find your 'game' whatever that might be.

Hope that helps. And sorry for telling about me, but I think our places are relateable to a certain extend.

 

[*Deidre*]

I think you've been given some good advice, OP. I'd also add to replace that negative internal voice (''she must want to play cards more than she wants to have sex with me'') with something else. I have a feeling if you start working on that part of your mindset, you won't take things so personally, and you'll be able to go with the flow a bit better.

 

[Livvie]

I think you've been given some good advice, OP. I'd also add to replace that negative internal voice (''she must want to play cards more than she wants to have sex with me'') with something else. I have a feeling if you start working on that part of your mindset, you won't take things so personally, and you'll be able to go with the flow a bit better.

Well, here's the thing, what if in that moment she did want to play cards more than have sex?

That should be okay. She should be allowed that without it being a big emotional scene for her husband.

 

[*Deidre*]

Well, here's the thing, what if in that moment she did want to play cards more than have sex?

That should be okay. She should be allowed that without it being a big emotional scene for her husband.

Of course - either way, the leap to thinking that he's not desired by his wife, is an over-the-top reaction.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

I didn't once say there was anything wrong with it. These kinds of comments let me know you are cherry picking the thread. Read all available information before making statements please. If you do, you will see that the problem wasn't that she wanted to play cards, it was that she wasn't clear on what she actually wanted. I didn't tell her how she made me feel, and I waited until today to give myself time to think and ask questions here to see if I had a valid complaint.

I thoroughly read everything you wrote before I made my comments. You harangued your wife to stop playing cards and have sex. I can only imagine how that looks to your wife and it's not good. You need to use a little respect with her and understand that it's not just about your needs and what you want and that she has her own wants and needs that are never going to completely line up with yours and that there is no obligation on her part to acquiesce to your needs and place them over her own. You are very self-centered in that regard in a immature way.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Ah, exactly! You made my point for me. She didn't want me more than cards, yet she didn't make a choice. She could have said she wanted to play cards instead, which could have been fine. She told me she wanted to have sex while acting like she wanted to play cards, and the confusion caused some issues for me due to my own self esteem issues.

Because you were making a big drama about the whole thing. She knows better than anyone that you don't like to hear the little truths and not get your way.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

I have a hard time believing that you made this comment after reading all of the other posts, so I'll give you a pass for your ignorance. The comment I made referenced some of the previous comments, which is what you should read.

That's because you only want to hear what you want to hear and you only want to do what you want to do when you want to do it and don't really respect other people's opinions. I read everything and I stand by everything.

 

[Mybabysgotit]

Agree with others. Sex is one of those things imo that shouldn’t be part of an “itinerary.” My husband and I have spontaneous sex (my husband mainly initiates but it’s not planned) and to me, if we have to start planning for it, it might not be as fun for us. It would feel bad to me, if we have to start adding it to a schedule.

Maybe that’s how your wife feels - this pressure to have sex on cue and that it’s mainly to boost your self esteem is somewhat of a turn off. Women can tell if a man is insecure.

Maybe just try to relax and go with the flow more and see if your wife’s desire for you flows more.

You really shouldn’t start flirting with women in hopes this makes your wife jealous. You’re married. You say you love your wife - that’s not a loving thing to do, imo.

Many sex therapists will tell you you are wrong; they advocate for scheduled sex. It has worked for my wife and I for many years as well as millions of others. It gives us a chance to to think about it all day and gets me in the mood, otherwise, I don't think about it that much. Sure, we have spontaneous sex as well, but we both get excited on our days and will flirt with each other the whole day to lead up. Now, if one spouse is adverse to sex itself, then I can imagine how that would be a form of torture knowing you have to do it that night. We are far from that.

 

[Quad73]

I would like to say, in all seriousness, that you are correct. I've mentioned it previously, but the reason I am going to start therapy is because I know I have issues that pertain to my own sense of self worth. When I was a child I didn't get any attention at home, even though I was a high achiever at school. But, I was a high achiever at school because they gave me attention. I have been attention seeking for most of my life in one way or another, and it has been detrimental to my relationships and my own mental health. I can see when she is trying, but I have a negative attitude and when things don't go according to plan I always get so down. When all of this happened and she asked if she did anything wrong, I told her that she didn't, and my mentality is a slippery slope. One comment or lack of action that I assume should happen and I start getting these little snowflakes of doubt. "She wants cards more than me" falls from the sky, and then another negative snowflake, and then another, and before I know it I'm covered by a blizzard. I have a tendency for catastrophizing, so when I researched what to do about it, the only clear answer was to not fight it, but let the thoughts come and try to rationalize them. I am rational generally, but when it has anything to do with my self esteem I always end up feeling worse, no matter what I do.

I feel like I've repeated myself a million times, but the problem wasn't necessarily with her, but with her reaction. She chose to play cards over having sex with me, even though she had been telling me how much she was looking forward to our weekend escapades. I took the wrong approach while trying to get her into the bedroom, and instead gave her ways out of it instead of taking the lead. When she chose cards, I took a big hit to my ego, and my own insecurities and self esteem came into play heavily. Because of my previous work on trying to better myself, I took the time to wait it out and think about it, plus get on this forum to start a thread and get some opinions. While some of them were rude and disingenuous, some have been very helpful and I have been trying to find other points of view besides my own, which I can't trust due to my self esteem issues.

OP you've been hit by a lot of 2x4's in this thread, including mine I suppose, so I just wanted to say I hear you re your two posts above.

Keep participating, I'm glad to see you're sifting through for the useful feedback.

 

[Quad73]

Interestingly, few have commented on this aspect: OP, strikingly handsome young guy grows used to admiration / has attention seeking habits, but now grows older and can no longer rely on that for his sense of self worth.

I'm not being snarky when I say this OP, most men are not so fortunate. Most guys have other primary means of obtaining validation and admiration. You gotta start looking into those as you age out of the phase #1 beautiful kid part of your life. Your therapist will help here no doubt.

Seems you lucked out in the looks department and had a good run with it as a single man, you lucky dog. Now you've gotta move on and grow into phase #2.

 

[Divinely Favored]

Should have been strip poker, not rummy.

 

[Divinely Favored]

You sound needy and reliant upon sex for validation of your worth.

Co-dependant

 

[Divinely Favored]

I would like to say, in all seriousness, that you are correct. I've mentioned it previously, but the reason I am going to start therapy is because I know I have issues that pertain to my own sense of self worth. When I was a child I didn't get any attention at home, even though I was a high achiever at school. But, I was a high achiever at school because they gave me attention. I have been attention seeking for most of my life in one way or another, and it has been detrimental to my relationships and my own mental health. I can see when she is trying, but I have a negative attitude and when things don't go according to plan I always get so down. When all of this happened and she asked if she did anything wrong, I told her that she didn't, and my mentality is a slippery slope. One comment or lack of action that I assume should happen and I start getting these little snowflakes of doubt. "She wants cards more than me" falls from the sky, and then another negative snowflake, and then another, and before I know it I'm covered by a blizzard. I have a tendency for catastrophizing, so when I researched what to do about it, the only clear answer was to not fight it, but let the thoughts come and try to rationalize them. I am rational generally, but when it has anything to do with my self esteem I always end up feeling worse, no matter what I do.

You had opportunity to really communicate, but didn't. I found out years ago, the most important thing is communication, not just talking at each other or just bumping your gums, but to understand what is being spoken. Good, bad & ugly.

I am completely truthful with my wife,
If she asks something about clothes, I tell her what I think. I don't say, "You look good" when I do not like what she has on. Or if she does something that upsets me, I tell her. How can she stop doing it if she does not know.
I request the same from her also.

You should have told her when she asked.

I used to bottle up all the emotion I felt against things my wife did/said during 1st half of marriage. I had a dam trying to hold back the resentment I had toward her.

Sex is very much emotional for me. At the end of the day, she would be very vocal about being tired, headache, stressed.......I was like, ok I hear you loud and clear. To me it was her saying, "don't even initiated or you will be turned down" so I just saw it as a denial.

 

[SunCMars]

The problem is she never did change her mind. She acted like she wanted to continue playing cards while actively telling me she wanted to have sex. It was confusing, and it appeared that she wanted to continue the card game, which I was willing to do, if she had just said that to begin with. Instead, she kept alluding to sex while never once stopping the game.

I don't know, let me guess.

She wanted you to take the cards from her hands, and carry her to the bed.

She wanted to be taken, not wishing for that typical indecision,whining or pouting.
No passive crap wanted.

I was not there but I could read the signs, just from you words, those coy behaviors she displayed.

 

[CraigBesuden]

Many sex therapists will tell you you are wrong; they advocate for scheduled sex. It has worked for my wife and I for many years as well as millions of others. It gives us a chance to to think about it all day and gets me in the mood, otherwise, I don't think about it that much. Sure, we have spontaneous sex as well, but we both get excited on our days and will flirt with each other the whole day to lead up. Now, if one spouse is adverse to sex itself, then I can imagine how that would be a form of torture knowing you have to do it that night. We are far from that.

When a couple is dating, they know they are going out Friday night and will very likely have sex. It doesn’t ruin it for them, does it?

 

[hub49]

The OP was a bit TLDR for my taste. There was a time when I would've loved to be seen as the hot guy and wondered why women didn't notice me more. Well, sometimes your perception of yourself doesn't match reality. I was overweight and while I thought I put on a nice appearance and had a clean, professional look, the extra weight showed.

I had a health scare at age 37 and that inspired me to lose the weight. I will be 50 next year and have kept the weight off. I'm sure I get noticed here and there, but I'm not concerned about that. I lost the weight for my own personal satisfaction. Wife is very happy with the result, but I did this for me.