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@MarriedOnce1 You're probably best off using the ignore feature rather than arguing back and forth with others if you don't like what or how they comment on your thread. If you don't know how, click on a name then on the 3 dots in the top right corner of the pop-up window. The option will show up there. You then won't see their posts/comments whenever you're logged in.
 

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Discussion Starter · #83 ·
That last couple of sentences is really so wrong. You have got to get in individual therapy and work on your self-esteem and entitlement issues.
As I've mentioned multiple times before, please go through the entire thread so as not to take my words and meaning out of context. I admit, my wording was less than desirable, but I was commenting on the fact that I should have taken the lead, which has been mentioned by a few commenters, and not given her options in the way I did. I should have made a move, and then it would either have been turned down or reciprocated. The problem would have resolved itself if I had just done that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #84 ·
@MarriedOnce1 You're probably best off using the ignore feature rather than arguing back and forth with others if you don't like what or how they comment on your thread. If you don't know how, click on a name then on the 3 dots in the top right corner of the pop-up window. The option will show up there. You then won't see their posts/comments whenever you're logged in.
Thanks for that, and I will. I just really want to make sure that my point and intentions have gotten across and aren't being misconstrued intentionally. There's only so much I can do to make my case, especially when the information is readily available. At some point I'll just assume they're trolling and block them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #85 ·
Do you know how much like a toddler you sound right now? There is literally nothing wrong with your wife preferring to play cards at the moment. Nothing at all.
I didn't once say there was anything wrong with it. These kinds of comments let me know you are cherry picking the thread. Read all available information before making statements please. If you do, you will see that the problem wasn't that she wanted to play cards, it was that she wasn't clear on what she actually wanted. I didn't tell her how she made me feel, and I waited until today to give myself time to think and ask questions here to see if I had a valid complaint.
 

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Discussion Starter · #86 ·
Because she didn't want you more than the cards at that moment. And there's nothing wrong with that. She wasn't in the mood just because you were horny this particular time so sue her.
Ah, exactly! You made my point for me. She didn't want me more than cards, yet she didn't make a choice. She could have said she wanted to play cards instead, which could have been fine. She told me she wanted to have sex while acting like she wanted to play cards, and the confusion caused some issues for me due to my own self esteem issues.
 

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Ah, exactly! You made my point for me. She didn't want me more than cards, yet she didn't make a choice. She could have said she wanted to play cards instead, which could have been fine. She told me she wanted to have sex while acting like she wanted to play cards, and the confusion caused some issues for me due to my own self esteem issues.
Sounds like maybe she has a hard time telling you the truth because she believes you'll take it badly? She doesn't want to hurt your feelings, so she hopes you'll figure out her true intentions without her having to spell it out. So learn to communicate better. Set precedents of listening to her and not overreacting in other conversations that have nothing to do with sex.

Also, women are allowed to change their minds.

Attraction can be on and off, it's normal for libido to have lulls and peaks. You don't need to beat yourself up about it. Maybe she was worn down by other things going on that night. Attraction for women works quite differently than attraction for men.

If she has responsive desire, she may never initiate on her own. If her default setting is 'not thinking about sex' then it's just not going to occur to her. You have to be seductive instead of just saying things like "is it time to hit the bedroom yet?" You missed some opportunities to be sexual DURING the card game to get her warmed up to sex, from the sounds of it. Were you playing footsie with her under the card table? Were you brushing against her fingers when you reached for cards? You could have playfully suggested that the loser of each hand had to remove some clothing.

You seem to be falling into a mindset that sex is something she does for you, when it should be something you both do together.
 

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Thanks for that, and I will. I just really want to make sure that my point and intentions have gotten across and aren't being misconstrued intentionally. There's only so much I can do to make my case, especially when the information is readily available. At some point I'll just assume they're trolling and block them.
I learned a long time ago that it's virtually never successful to try and make a case, defend oneself after you've either been misunderstood or, worse, purposely misconstrued/taken out of context. It doesn't really matter who you are debating/arguing with. Most people have predetermined mindsets and ways of communicating. They are unlikely to change; more likely to double-down, if anything. Unless something serious is at stake, it's probably not worth the energy. I know it's the principal of the thing, but sometimes you just have to swallow your pride.
 

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I'm going to try to explain this as simply as possible since you either refuse to read the rest of the thread, or you just feel like looking at one poorly worded (on my part) sentence and decided to make accusations. Some of the recommendations were to "scoop her up" or romance her. When I said I shouldn't have given her the choice, I meant between having sex and playing cards. I should have taken the lead, as was suggested, not ask multiple times if she wanted to play cards instead. What I should have done was take her hand and lead her to the bedroom, or rubbed her shoulders, or whatever. If she had said anything when I tried that, I would have stopped and continued playing cards.
Or, been calm enough to allow her to take the lead and determine the timetable instead. It’s easy to read what you’ve written and think either-

  • Things have to be done your way or you’re not happy or
  • You set her up for failure

Even as you try to justify your premise, what you write STILL makes many of us wonder, if only our spouses were a bit more like her.

If you don’t want her, I’m sure she’ll not have much trouble in the 2nd marriage market.
 

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Snowbum, FFS i did not accuse my wife of having an affair, to accuse her I would have have to confronted her, I said nothing to her during or since my period of suspicion which turned out to be incorrect.
 

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MO1, If this happens again let it play out and see if she reaches a point of instigating sex, if she does it's a matter of timing, if she continues to avoid sex then you have an issue which you need to discuss with her preferably the next day when feelings are not running so high.

Make sure you get answers to your questions and not the "I don't know" type response.

Good luck
 

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Discussion Starter · #94 ·
Sounds like maybe she has a hard time telling you the truth because she believes you'll take it badly? She doesn't want to hurt your feelings, so she hopes you'll figure out her true intentions without her having to spell it out. So learn to communicate better. Set precedents of listening to her and not overreacting in other conversations that have nothing to do with sex.

Also, women are allowed to change their minds.

Attraction can be on and off, it's normal for libido to have lulls and peaks. You don't need to beat yourself up about it. Maybe she was worn down by other things going on that night. Attraction for women works quite differently than attraction for men.

If she has responsive desire, she may never initiate on her own. If her default setting is 'not thinking about sex' then it's just not going to occur to her. You have to be seductive instead of just saying things like "is it time to hit the bedroom yet?" You missed some opportunities to be sexual DURING the card game to get her warmed up to sex, from the sounds of it. Were you playing footsie with her under the card table? Were you brushing against her fingers when you reached for cards? You could have playfully suggested that the loser of each hand had to remove some clothing.

You seem to be falling into a mindset that sex is something she does for you, when it should be something you both do together.
I would like to say, in all seriousness, that you are correct. I've mentioned it previously, but the reason I am going to start therapy is because I know I have issues that pertain to my own sense of self worth. When I was a child I didn't get any attention at home, even though I was a high achiever at school. But, I was a high achiever at school because they gave me attention. I have been attention seeking for most of my life in one way or another, and it has been detrimental to my relationships and my own mental health. I can see when she is trying, but I have a negative attitude and when things don't go according to plan I always get so down. When all of this happened and she asked if she did anything wrong, I told her that she didn't, and my mentality is a slippery slope. One comment or lack of action that I assume should happen and I start getting these little snowflakes of doubt. "She wants cards more than me" falls from the sky, and then another negative snowflake, and then another, and before I know it I'm covered by a blizzard. I have a tendency for catastrophizing, so when I researched what to do about it, the only clear answer was to not fight it, but let the thoughts come and try to rationalize them. I am rational generally, but when it has anything to do with my self esteem I always end up feeling worse, no matter what I do.
 

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My issue is that the plan was to get high and have sex, which we do once a week, even though we have sex regularly as well. She didn't say anything beforehand about any issues that would make her not want to have sex, because those reasons would have been legitimate. We had talked about being hot for each other all week, we had just had an enjoyable day out, and we were both excited about having that time and experience together. Then, she just wanted to play cards. When she had to decide between sex and cards, she chose cards. I don't really care about being desirable in the past, it was just an example to show that I have been desirable before, and now the once person who is supposed to desire me would choose a deck of Bicycle playing cards and a game of Rummy over sex. I guess what I'm saying is, her actions didn't match her words, and I noticed.
Were in the the military by any chance?
OK, OK, STAND TO ATTENTION.
WAIT FOR IT, WAIT FOR IT, KNICKERS DOWN!
Try changing the card game to strip poker, which may help.
I honestly cannot understand what your problem is?
 

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Discussion Starter · #96 ·
Or, been calm enough to allow her to take the lead and determine the timetable instead. It’s easy to read what you’ve written and think either-

  • Things have to be done your way or you’re not happy or
  • You set her up for failure

Even as you try to justify your premise, what you write STILL makes many of us wonder, if only our spouses were a bit more like her.

If you don’t want her, I’m sure she’ll not have much trouble in the 2nd marriage market.
God, I was loving what you were saying, and while your last sentence is true, it was a very rude thing to say. I never said anything about not wanting her, so for you to insinuate as much puts me off the rest of your comment. Having said that, I see your point, and I would like to say that the constant justification is part of my issue with my self worth. I have the negative thoughts and feelings, they are real even if they are unjustified, and I cannot seem to get myself out of the funk when they happen. I have worked hard to stop reacting to these types of stimuli, which is why I started taking time to wait and think about the whole thing, to process it as much as possible, and ask questions before I decide if it is a discussion worth pursuing. The bigger issue with me is that even if I determine that I AM overreacting, I still have difficulty convincing myself fully that I am wrong. Which is one of the reasons I am starting therapy soon.
 

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Discussion Starter · #97 ·
Were in the the military by any chance?
OK, OK, STAND TO ATTENTION.
WAIT FOR IT, WAIT FOR IT, KNICKERS DOWN!
Try changing the card game to strip poker, which may help.
I honestly cannot understand what your problem is?
I feel like I've repeated myself a million times, but the problem wasn't necessarily with her, but with her reaction. She chose to play cards over having sex with me, even though she had been telling me how much she was looking forward to our weekend escapades. I took the wrong approach while trying to get her into the bedroom, and instead gave her ways out of it instead of taking the lead. When she chose cards, I took a big hit to my ego, and my own insecurities and self esteem came into play heavily. Because of my previous work on trying to better myself, I took the time to wait it out and think about it, plus get on this forum to start a thread and get some opinions. While some of them were rude and disingenuous, some have been very helpful and I have been trying to find other points of view besides my own, which I can't trust due to my self esteem issues.
 

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Discussion Starter · #98 ·
MO1, If this happens again let it play out and see if she reaches a point of instigating sex, if she does it's a matter of timing, if she continues to avoid sex then you have an issue which you need to discuss with her preferably the next day when feelings are not running so high.

Make sure you get answers to your questions and not the "I don't know" type response.

Good luck
I think I have it figured out, and the combination of things that happened were just coincidence which I took too far.
 

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God, I was loving what you were saying, and while your last sentence is true, it was a very rude thing to say. I never said anything about not wanting her, so for you to insinuate as much puts me off the rest of your comment. Having said that, I see your point, and I would like to say that the constant justification is part of my issue with my self worth. I have the negative thoughts and feelings, they are real even if they are unjustified, and I cannot seem to get myself out of the funk when they happen. I have worked hard to stop reacting to these types of stimuli, which is why I started taking time to wait and think about the whole thing, to process it as much as possible, and ask questions before I decide if it is a discussion worth pursuing. The bigger issue with me is that even if I determine that I AM overreacting, I still have difficulty convincing myself fully that I am wrong. Which is one of the reasons I am starting therapy soon.
I was being sarcastic when I said “If you don’t want her.” It’s clear you want her. My point was that she’ll find others who will find her “flaws” to be insignificant, even a positive. Meaning, you could lose her to somebody else really easily. Sorry you didn’t understand that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #100 ·
I was being sarcastic when I said “If you don’t want her.” It’s clear you want her. My point was that she’ll find others who will find her “flaws” to be insignificant, even a positive. Meaning, you could lose her to somebody else really easily. Sorry you didn’t understand that.
My mistake, I didn't mean to misinterpret what you were saying. And you're right, I don't want to lose her, either because I can't get my mental state under control or because she is tired of dealing with it.
 
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