Talk About Marriage banner
61 - 80 of 116 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,073 Posts
Listen to oldshirt he is a wise old bird, however I don't totally agree with him that you have to accept that a mother in her thirties/forties will become LD and only provide duty sex.
In a way we do need to accept that things and people will change over the years, but I’m not necessarily saying that life will be asexual or duty sex only at all.

I’m saying that you can’t do the same thing time after time after time forever and expect it to always be the same fireworks and rainbows and unicorns.

What sparked fire and passion and high octane wild monkey sex in past usually won’t after doing it for the umpteenth time on a regular basis.

You have to shake things up and try different things periodically.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,697 Posts
@MarriedOnce1 throwing a little sulky temper tantrum, because you didn't get your way in exactly the way and timing you wanted does you no favours. Believing everyone else but yourself is responsible for your own self esteem is ****ed up.

Seriously do yourself and your wife a favour, and take a hard look at yourself. Then look into learning about toxic behaviours in relationships, so that you can understand what you're doing wrong.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
43 Posts
Discussion Starter · #65 ·
@MarriedOnce1 throwing a little sulky temper tantrum, because you didn't get your way in exactly the way and timing you wanted does you no favours. Believing everyone else but yourself is responsible for your own self esteem is ****ed up.

Seriously do yourself and your wife a favour, and take a hard look at yourself. Then look into learning about toxic behaviours in relationships, so that you can understand what you're doing wrong.
I don't think I ever said I had a temper tantrum. I actually did the opposite and tried to follow through with our plan, and when she seemed like she didn't want to, I tried to follow her plan, which was to play cards. I didn't show my disappointment, and when she tried to appease me, I followed through to avoid a conflict. Then I waited until today to get on an forum to ask if I was justified in my feelings or not. While the majority of comments and posts have given me good information and things to think about, yours and Snowbum's posts have been nothing buy accusatory and you have tried to gaslight me at every turn. I have been honest in what I feel and what happened, and also how I handled the situation. I have responded as politely as possible to each person who did the same to me, and I hope you find a little peace in knowing that your opinion has meant nothing to me, and I suspect most people don't look to you for any kind of advice, whether it be love, life, or picking out curtains.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,697 Posts
Either a snowbum friend or a burner account, no one is buying it. Please, if you aren't going to participate properly, then don't do it at all.
I shouldn't have given her an opportunity to say no when she had already agreed previously.
Your wife is allowed to withdrawal sexual consent at any point inclusive of before she shares any sex with you, and even while she is sharing sex with you.

Your claim that you "shouldn't have given her an opportunity to say no", is tantamount to saying that her sexual consent is not something that she can decide for herself.

Of which even in many states in the United States, thankfully you can be prosecuted for rape, if you choose to have sex with your wife without her consent.

Lest you want to risk potentially going to jail for rape, you would do well to start reading about the laws on rape where you liv,e and adjust your attitude to such things accordingly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,697 Posts
While the majority of comments and posts have given me good information and things to think about, yours and Snowbum's posts have been nothing buy accusatory and you have tried to gaslight me at every turn.
Read what you wrote as quoted below very carefully.

I shouldn't have given her an opportunity to say no when she had already agreed previously.
That isn't healthy, in fact it's really ****ed up. Try thinking about it a bit further to understand that such thinking, will not do you any favours in the long run.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,035 Posts
My issue is that the plan was to get high and have sex, which we do once a week, even though we have sex regularly as well. She didn't say anything beforehand about any issues that would make her not want to have sex, because those reasons would have been legitimate. We had talked about being hot for each other all week, we had just had an enjoyable day out, and we were both excited about having that time and experience together. Then, she just wanted to play cards. When she had to decide between sex and cards, she chose cards. I don't really care about being desirable in the past, it was just an example to show that I have been desirable before, and now the once person who is supposed to desire me would choose a deck of Bicycle playing cards and a game of Rummy over sex. I guess what I'm saying is, her actions didn't match her words, and I noticed.
You sound needy and reliant upon sex for validation of your worth.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,035 Posts
I like these assumptions, but we had just spent the day together. I made a reservation at a nice restaurant for brunch, and we went shopping. I talked about how much I loved her a million times during the week, and how thankful I was to have her in my life that very day.
That sounds really over the top as far as telling her how much you love her a million times during the week. I mean I hope you really mean it but why do you feel the need to keep up a litany of that? Does she do the same thing? Or could this be seen as just buttering her up for sex?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,035 Posts
Sorry, but you're wrong. The only plan we have those nights is to get high and have sex. During that time we have a good time. Also, if you've read the rest of the thread, I have been working on making her feel desirable because she is. I let her know I'm thinking about her, I send her dirty texts and pictures, and I also tell her how much I care for her and how much I love her. We had also literally just spent the day together. And it isn't my list, we both agreed that we need one night a week at least to spend longer together. We have an active sex life otherwise. It just threw me off that when given the choice, she chose cards.
I think you're saying those things to her because that's what you wish she would do to you. I'm not getting the idea that she needs that much ego salving.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,035 Posts
I agree with a lot of the sentiment, but the issue is that I shouldn't have to be the one to always initiate. We had planned this night together, it shouldn't be up to me to just sweep her off her feet every single time. I think a lot of the comments are looking into it more than they should, because the largest issue I had was that she had a choice to have sex with me, which was the plan for days, or play cards, and she chose cards. But she didn't choose cards until it was time for sex. But, I did enjoy your card game examples, and I think you're right, I shouldn't have given her an opportunity to say no when she had already agreed previously. I just get so tired of taking the lead.
Women don't initiate as often as a rule because women don't want sex as often as most men do as a general proposition. So why would they initiate sex on any kind of regular basis if they're getting as much sex as they want already and it's you wanting more?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,035 Posts
I agree with a lot of the sentiment, but the issue is that I shouldn't have to be the one to always initiate. We had planned this night together, it shouldn't be up to me to just sweep her off her feet every single time. I think a lot of the comments are looking into it more than they should, because the largest issue I had was that she had a choice to have sex with me, which was the plan for days, or play cards, and she chose cards. But she didn't choose cards until it was time for sex. But, I did enjoy your card game examples, and I think you're right, I shouldn't have given her an opportunity to say no when she had already agreed previously. I just get so tired of taking the lead.
That last couple of sentences is really so wrong. You have got to get in individual therapy and work on your self-esteem and entitlement issues.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,035 Posts
I don't understand why you are being such an asshole about this. My wife and I planned sex for days, and then she chose to play cards instead. It made me have a legitimate feeling, but it seems like I should suffer in silence and let is fester instead of getting online and asking for opinions and ideas from others. Phrasing the way you have makes me think you would personally be better off if you didn't join in during any of these discussions, because what you are doing is not beneficial at all. I also never said I needed someone else to prioritize me. Please, read the rest of the thread and stop projecting.
Do you know how much like a toddler you sound right now? There is literally nothing wrong with your wife preferring to play cards at the moment. Nothing at all.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,035 Posts
She was "ready and willing" after the third time I said I was ready to go to the bedroom, and it went something like this.

Me: I want you bad, I can't keep playing cards, this is ridiculous. Let's go to the bedroom.

Her: Looks longingly at the cards

Me: Come on, I can't take this

Her: Keeps looking at the cards, then me, then the cards

Me: Do you just want to keep playing cards? Cause that's fine, we can just play cards.

Her: No! I want to have sex!

Me: Then lets go?

Her: (Stares at the cards, looking around at the discard pile and her own hand for 15 seconds)..........Ok, let's go.

This was over a 20 minute period, not 3 times in a row.

I just never really got the vibe that she wanted me more than the cards, even though she spent days talking about how much she wanted me and how she couldn't wait until that night. But she never said she just wanted the cards.
Because she didn't want you more than the cards at that moment. And there's nothing wrong with that. She wasn't in the mood just because you were horny this particular time so sue her.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,035 Posts
Projecting again, seeing as how many people have told me I should have taken the lead, taken her hand, scooped her up, etc. Notice how I asked her multiple times if she was ready for sex (as was the plan) and that being the nice guy (by giving her the choice) is something I maybe shouldn't have done. Please, stop trying to act like a keyboard savior and go away.
After reading all this I can't believe she ever has sex with you.
 
  • Haha
Reactions: Corgi Mum

·
Registered
Joined
·
43 Posts
Discussion Starter · #77 ·
Your wife is allowed to withdrawal sexual consent at any point inclusive of before she shares any sex with you, and even while she is sharing sex with you.

Your claim that you "shouldn't have given her an opportunity to say no", is tantamount to saying that her sexual consent is not something that she can decide for herself.

Of which even in many states in the United States, thankfully you can be prosecuted for rape, if you choose to have sex with your wife without her consent.

Lest you want to risk potentially going to jail for rape, you would do well to start reading about the laws on rape where you liv,e and adjust your attitude to such things accordingly.
I'm going to try to explain this as simply as possible since you either refuse to read the rest of the thread, or you just feel like looking at one poorly worded (on my part) sentence and decided to make accusations. Some of the recommendations were to "scoop her up" or romance her. When I said I shouldn't have given her the choice, I meant between having sex and playing cards. I should have taken the lead, as was suggested, not ask multiple times if she wanted to play cards instead. What I should have done was take her hand and lead her to the bedroom, or rubbed her shoulders, or whatever. If she had said anything when I tried that, I would have stopped and continued playing cards.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
43 Posts
Discussion Starter · #78 ·
Personal has over 6,000 posts here. You should watch what you are accusing posters of.
I literally don't care how many posts someone has if they refuse to be serious and follow the actual thread, focusing instead on one misinterpreted (by them) and poorly phrased (by me) sentence. If anyone would care to read the full thread, this might not be an issue.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
43 Posts
Discussion Starter · #80 ·
That sounds really over the top as far as telling her how much you love her a million times during the week. I mean I hope you really mean it but why do you feel the need to keep up a litany of that? Does she do the same thing? Or could this be seen as just buttering her up for sex?
No, because none of this had anything to do with sex. My wife and I both come from very difficult backgrounds, poor and broken families, and we appreciate what we have with each other, and that causes us to express it regularly. Also, I'm not being literal, I don't mean I made a million comments, it's a phrase used to mean "a lot of" without giving an exact number.
 
61 - 80 of 116 Posts
Top