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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
With the help of a few comments and thoughtful responses, I have determined that the issue I had wasn't an issue at all. I overreacted to an innocent situation because I have self esteem and trust issues, and I need to work on those things. I considered what happened from my point of view only, and, thankfully, waited to determine if I should be worried or angry. Thank you to everyone who tried to help me, and a big middle finger to those who just wanted to put me down when I was looking for help.



I started having self esteem issues when I got married. In my previous relationships, I was desired, and I knew it. I had the interest of multiple women throughout high school, then into college. Once I entered the work force I was looked at as the "hot guy" in the office, and was hit on by multiple women. I know it's silly, but this was a big boost to my self esteem. I felt desired by whichever girlfriend I had at the time, and also knew that I was desirable in general because other women would flirt. Once I started talking to my now wife, I felt desired by her as well, and she let me know it constantly.

Now, there is no attention from other women. I don't work with women, and because of Covid and life in general, I don't spend much time around women at all, so even if someone did want to flirt with me, there would be no opportunity. Now, my self esteem fluctuates based off of the reactions I get from my wife. Sometimes I feel like she wants me, sometimes I don't. We just had a conversation about it this week, and she assured me that she is very attracted to me and wants me all the time. I have been working out and eating better and have finally managed to get in decent shape. I have felt good about myself, and my self esteem started to improve. My wife has been talking more about me being hot, and her sexual desires for me. Then, something happened last night.

Friday or Saturday night is adult night. My wife and I get a little high and fool around, and it's always good. It heightens the mood, and she's much more sexual, which I like, and she seems to enjoy it as well. Last night we were following the same playbook. We were supposed to have an edible, take a shower together, and then play cards until we were both high and ready to go to the bedroom. Well, she was high and so was I, and I attempted to stop playing cards and go have sex. We were on the first hand and I told her I didn't think I would be able to make it through, and we should go to the bedroom instead because just looking at her was turning me on so much. She laughed a little, and kept playing. Ok, let's get through this hand and then we'll go, I thought. That was negative though number one. We finished the hand, and I again attempted to get her into the bedroom. She continued acting like she wanted to play cards. So I figured she would rather play cards than have sex with me. That was negative thought number two. So, we played another hand. Then I said again that I wanted to go to the bedroom, and she again took a long beat and said OK. In my mind, she still sounded like she would rather play cards, so I said **** it, let's just keep playing cards. By that point, she could tell something was bothering me (I feel like it should have been obvious) and I didn't want to have sex anymore. My self esteem dropped. While I kept trying to get her to finish the game, she kept trying to go to the bedroom. I felt like she was only doing it out of pity, so that was negative through number three.

Finally, I followed her into the bedroom, where she was on the bed. I was not in the mood in any sense, but felt I had to fake it to keep her from feeling bad. So, I started looking for a shirt to put on while I went down on her because I was cold, and I guess I was acting strange, so she said "What's wrong with you?" That started negative thought number four, is something wrong with me? Am I wrong to be upset about this? Anyway, I performed oral for a while (I really enjoy doing it) but kept thinking she was faking it, because she would rather play cards anyway, right? By then I had decided to focus on her, and after a few orgasms we started having sex.

Last week, on another adult night, we looked into each others eyes for a long time. I couldn't even look at her this time because I felt bad about myself. I figured that she got hers, and she didn't want to be doing it anyway, so I just tried to orgasm as fast as I could. Then I changed into bed clothes and walked out of the bedroom. When she came out, she gave me a hug, and I apologized for it not lasting very long because on those nights, it usually lasts for hours. She just said "you didn't have a good time." Which was the truth, I didn't, but she doesn't even know why, and I don't know if I should bother telling her.

Now I'm typing this, because I feel horrible about myself. Taking a backseat to playing cards wasn't exactly an ego boost, and while I know it's not up to her to make me feel good about myself, it is nice to be desired. Now my mood is worse, I'm depressed, and I don't know what to do. If I tell her, she'll say she won't do it again. But I'll still be thinking at any given moment that whatever she wants to do is more important than the intimate time we have together. I'm starting to wonder if I should start flirting with women more myself just to make her jealous, or feel like there's competition. Maybe that would let her know that she needs to show her desire or show me that I'm desirable because if she doesn't, others will. That also sounds very petty of me, so I don't know. I'm just looking for insight, or some help. I don't want to start an argument, but this whole situation really bothered me. If the roles were reversed, I'm sure she would have felt bad, simply because the expectation wasn't to play cards all night, it was to have sex. I want to make sure I'm not overreacting before I bring it up.
 

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Maybe she just didn’t want to have regularily scheduled sex. She doesn’t have to have sex at the same time each week. I typically enjoy 2-4 sessions a week( over 50), but not the same way and time each week.
 

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It sure as hell doesn't help. I've known that it could be an issue, so I worked on my own attitude to try to not be so bothered by it. I talk to myself and rationalize it, and I'm a rational person. But after the third attempt, I couldn't avoid it.
What’s wrong with sober sex? She could have had cramps, gas, been tired, felt down. Million reasons.
Sounds like your issue is more not being seen as the hot guy at work dangling attentive women.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
This amount of fragility is a huge turn off.
Understandable, and I agree, but I wasn't fragile initially. As a matter of fact, I have spent more time being self assured than not, especially in the past few years. But three attempts to have sex being denied to play cards instead, when the whole point of the one night a week is to have grown up time and lots of sex, really annoyed me. It also isn't the first time something has happened, but the longer the list gets, the harder it is to keep it from having an impact.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Maybe she just didn’t want to have regularily scheduled sex. She doesn’t have to have sex at the same time each week. I typically enjoy 2-4 sessions a week( over 50), but not the same way and time each week.
I agree, and we do have regular sex as well, but we normally have that one night a week where we like to go longer, and spend more time feeling good. We both know that we have our own inhibitions, and getting high helps us let loose, and then we can talk about it later to try to be more comfortable in general. We both know that we can be open, but still have a hard time with it, so the high helps.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
What’s wrong with sober sex? She could have had cramps, gas, been tired, felt down. Million reasons.
Sounds like your issue is more not being seen as the hot guy at work dangling attentive women.
My issue is that the plan was to get high and have sex, which we do once a week, even though we have sex regularly as well. She didn't say anything beforehand about any issues that would make her not want to have sex, because those reasons would have been legitimate. We had talked about being hot for each other all week, we had just had an enjoyable day out, and we were both excited about having that time and experience together. Then, she just wanted to play cards. When she had to decide between sex and cards, she chose cards. I don't really care about being desirable in the past, it was just an example to show that I have been desirable before, and now the once person who is supposed to desire me would choose a deck of Bicycle playing cards and a game of Rummy over sex. I guess what I'm saying is, her actions didn't match her words, and I noticed.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Sounds selfish: my time to have lots of sex. How about ho out to eat? Try romancing her instead of: pot, cards, bang

Again, this is about your ego and sounds a bit like “ hmmm maybe other women would follow my direction more quickly”. Your wife sounds like a good sport and decent person
I like these assumptions, but we had just spent the day together. I made a reservation at a nice restaurant for brunch, and we went shopping. I talked about how much I loved her a million times during the week, and how thankful I was to have her in my life that very day.
 

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You seem to like your life very regimental, everything has to be done in order.
Have you ever thought about actually seducing your wife, making her feel wanted and desirable rather than just another thing to check off on your list.
Cards ☑
Edibles☑
Shower☑
Sex ☑
And stop with the self pity, it’s not attractive at all.
 

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Agree with others. Sex is one of those things imo that shouldn’t be part of an “itinerary.” My husband and I have spontaneous sex (my husband mainly initiates but it’s not planned) and to me, if we have to start planning for it, it might not be as fun for us. It would feel bad to me, if we have to start adding it to a schedule.

Maybe that’s how your wife feels - this pressure to have sex on cue and that it’s mainly to boost your self esteem is somewhat of a turn off. Women can tell if a man is insecure.

Maybe just try to relax and go with the flow more and see if your wife’s desire for you flows more.

You really shouldn’t start flirting with women in hopes this makes your wife jealous. You’re married. You say you love your wife - that’s not a loving thing to do, imo.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
She’s allowed to skip sec once in a blu moon.
Skipping it wouldn't have been a problem, she just never said she wanted to do anything else. She never even said she just wanted to play cards. I asked her if she would rather play cards, and she said no, but acted like she did. If she had come out and said that, things would have been different.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
You seem to like your life very regimental, everything has to be done in order.
Have you ever thought about actually seducing your wife, making her feel wanted and desirable rather than just another thing to check off on your list.
Cards ☑
Edibles☑
Shower☑
Sex ☑
And stop with the self pity, it’s not attractive at all.
Sorry, but you're wrong. The only plan we have those nights is to get high and have sex. During that time we have a good time. Also, if you've read the rest of the thread, I have been working on making her feel desirable because she is. I let her know I'm thinking about her, I send her dirty texts and pictures, and I also tell her how much I care for her and how much I love her. We had also literally just spent the day together. And it isn't my list, we both agreed that we need one night a week at least to spend longer together. We have an active sex life otherwise. It just threw me off that when given the choice, she chose cards.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Agree with others. Sex is one of those things imo that shouldn’t be part of an “itinerary.” My husband and I have spontaneous sex (my husband mainly initiates but it’s not planned) and to me, if we have to start planning for it, it might not be as fun for us. It would feel bad to me, if we have to start adding it to a schedule.

Maybe that’s how your wife feels - this pressure to have sex on cue and that it’s mainly to boost your self esteem is somewhat of a turn off. Women can tell if a man is insecure.

Maybe just try to relax and go with the flow more and see if your wife’s desire for you flows more.

You really shouldn’t start flirting with women in hopes this makes your wife jealous. You’re married. You say you love your wife - that’s not a loving thing to do, imo.
Thank you for the last part, that seemed like a bad idea when I thought it, but I've been entertaining all options. Also, we do have spontaneous sex during the week, I do initiate, we just schedule the one night a week to be able to spend longer together. It isn't always just sex, we also go on dates during those times. But that day, we had spent the day together and were planning on having sex anyway because we had been all over each other for a few days.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
How old are you and do you have kids?
I think I get where you're going with this. We are both in our mid/late thirties, and we have one child. If you're going to ask if we're tired, the answer is yes. Getting up early for work and getting our kid to school, plus the regular evening routine, can be draining. When we have sex during the week, it lasts about 15 minutes and over. We like longer sessions too, which is why we chose the one night a week. I let her sleep in until almost noon on Saturday, then we got some donuts for a snack, went shopping, and I had made reservations for brunch. Afterwards, we did some more shopping.
 
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