Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 573 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,120 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Most of you know my story...

Anywhere from 600-1200 texts per month to a single guy from the gym for at least three years. Morning on way to work, at lunch and before bed.

Took 3 years to get her to realize the damage she was causing. More often than not her texting him.

I'm more confident than not that she kept it from going full PA. But can never be sure.

That is just my gut reaction based on her reaction.

So one thing I learned is that the EA line is blurry... she still will not admit to me that it was an EA but her reaction and defense of him speaks otherwise.... she was blind to the volume of contact... after all it was just chatting about her day, him helping her with a side business, and her maintaining contact when away on girls nights out.

I think what finally tipped the scales was giving her Choice A or Choice B... Choice A was to end the affair I was certain was occurring, counseling etc. Choice B Divorce and full and complete disclosure sell the house and divide everything 50/50.

She never made a choice and she never DENIED it was an affair... so the next morning I asked if she had any concerns... she said NO but I am not giving up a friend. I'll text him less.

Well I decided to accept that as we have been actually doing really well besides sex lately. But that night I left on her counter the signs of an emotional affair and she hit 6 out of 10 and possibly all 10 on the list. Also that an EA actually hurts me worse than a PA would because of the long-term attachment. By definition its an EA.

What I notice... she wont text him and only respond shortly to any of his texts. Today zero texts between them.

So either she took it underground or she got the message he is bad for our marriage.

She knows if I catch it going underground we are DONE! and it will get fully exposed. This is her last chance.

Anyhow now I am in wait and see mode and giving her space to process what happened... she is going from 100's of texts a month to very few. That has to be hard. Shes been very talkative and responsive to me.

I'm OK everyone you know me I have a handle on most everything. The moral of the story though.... its a fine line between an EA and a good friendship. Affair fog is tough to cut through. Her mistake was giving a "workout buddy" her number around the same time as ILYNILWYA and allowing a three year daily relationship to develop.. At least she was obvious enough to follow her trail.

Anyhow I still believe 100% I will fix our sexless marriage... going to be easier without a third party in the picture. Three years worth of work will not go to waste. I'll keep you all updated.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,130 Posts
Anyhow I still believe 100% I will fix our sexless marriage... going to be easier without a third party in the picture. Three years worth of work will not go to waste. I'll keep you all updated.
OK, if you say so.

You gave her a choice of either A (end the affair) or B (divorce) and she figuratively flips you the bird and continues the affair. Your response ... you do nothing. Not exactly incentive for her to drop lover boy. Good luck, you're going to need it!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,007 Posts
Most of you know my story...

Anywhere from 600-1200 texts per month to a single guy from the gym. Morning on way to work, at lunch and before bed.

Took 3 years to get her to realize the damage she was causing.

I'm more confident than not that she kept it from going full PA.

That is just my gut reaction based on her reaction.

So one thing I learned is that the EA line is blurry... she still will not admit that it was an EA.... she was blind to the volume of contact... after all it was just chatting about her day, him helping her with a side business, and her maintaining contact when away on girls nights out.

I think what finally tipped the scales was giving her Choice A or Choice B... Choice A was to end the affair I was certain was occurring, counseling etc. Choice B Divorce and full and complete disclosure sell the house and divide everything 50/50.

She never made a choice... so the next morning I asked if she had any concerns... she said NO but I am not giving up a friend. I'll text him less.
She made her choice her friend over her huusband...

Well I decided to accept that as we have been actually doing really well besides sex lately. But that night I left on her counter the signs of an emotional affair and she hit 6 out of 10 and possibly all 10 on the list. Also thae an EA actually hurts me worse than a PA would because of the long-term attachment.
You took the quiz for her and she hit 6 or she took it?

What I notice... she wont text him and only respond shortly to any of his texts. Today zero texts between them.

So either she took it underground or she got the message he is bad for our marriage.
She didnt have to take it underground, read what you put before this, "She responds to his texts"..what the heck do you think that means?

She knows if I catch it going underground we are DONE! and it will get fully exposed. This is her last chance.

Anyhow now I am in wait and see mode and giving her space to process what happened... she is going from 100's of texts a month to very few. That has to be hard.
Hard for her or you?

I'm OK everyone you know me I have a handle on most everything. The moral of the story though
T2 the moral here is she Chose her friend over her husband, when she KNEW it bothered you, yet she chose him.

.... its a fine line between an EA and a friendship. Affair fog is tough to cut through.

Anyhow I still believe 100% I will fix our sexless marriage... going to be easier without a third party in the picture. Three years worth of work will not go to waste. I'll keep you all updated.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,120 Posts
Discussion Starter #4 (Edited)
I fully agree she chose him over me and pointed that out.... also that he lied to me when he promised me to curtail communication to only business stuff.

EAs are strong pulls.... everyone makes mistakes.

I am not going to bash my wife as long as she herself ends it. We are actually a lot better off with each other and I 'm pretty sure in the end she chose me over him after presented with undeniable proof. At least she did something which in itself is incredible... she did something! Without me forcing her too.

Let those without sin cast the first stone.

I'm fixing my marriage and giving my wife a chance.
He had to go for that to happen..better she end it in her own way.

EA's are harmful but I can see why they occur but they do break a trust in your spouse, she emotionally abused me... yes it'll be hard on her she was obviously attached.

Me I'm surprising OK because now I know WHY I've been dealt a sexless marriage over the past three years.

I took the quiz for her they were undenaible tht she would score over a two which =EA. Really no doubt.

That's better than not knowing.

Keep in mind I've been working the issue all along... I create my own luck.
I don't wish I do. She'll come around actually mostly already has. Her extracting him from her life was what was holding us back.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,007 Posts
I fully agree she chose him over me and pointed that out.... also that he lied to me when he promised me to curtail communication.

EAs are strong pulls.... everyone makes mistakes.
Yes they are, thats why there can be NO CONTACT, none

I am not going to bash my wife as long as she ends it. We are actually a lot better off with each other and I 'm pretty sure in the end she chose me over him after presented with undeniable proof.
T2 I'm rooting for you man, I really am but she has not ended her frienship, becuase she dosent want to, nor have you really demanded it with actions, not words but actions.

Let those without sin cast the first stone.
Were all sinners

I'm fixing my marriage and giving my wife a chance.
He had to go.
But he didnt go anywhere
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
I fully agree she chose him over me and pointed that out.... also that he lied to me when he promised me to curtail communication to only business stuff.

EAs are strong pulls.... everyone makes mistakes.

I am not going to bash my wife as long as she ends it. We are actually a lot better off with each other and I 'm pretty sure in the end she chose me over him after presented with undeniable proof. At least she did something.

Let those without sin cast the first stone.

I'm fixing my marriage and giving my wife a chance.
He had to go.

EA's are harmful but I can see why they occur... yes it'll be hard on her she was obviously attached.

Me I'm surprising OK because now I know WHY I've been dealt a sexless marriage over the past three years.

That's better than not knowing.
"He had to go" but is he gone? Or she is just really hiding it well?
You said yourself you dont know!

Im an enabler, so Im not casting a stone without knowing what an enabler is and YOU, my friend are an enabler! Maybe you dont see it yet but you will, just like I did!

Good luck!
 
  • Like
Reactions: tdwal

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
If you say so.

Giving her a choice of A or B and she figuratively flips you the bird, and you do nothing, is not exactly incentive to drop lover boy. Good luck, you're going to need it!
Tis is on the money. But you will need more than luck. You aren't getting any sex because she IS faithful. Just not to you.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,120 Posts
Discussion Starter #8 (Edited)
I don't doubt I'm an enabler. I was the poster boy "Nice Guy"

Affairs run their course then reality sets in.

She knows I'll find out about underground... I agree she has been faithful as that is the way she is.

Again I get it.... we also will reconcile our marriage... no doubts in my mind.
I was blind for a while but then I could see.

Life is interesting. I think though most give up to soon. Work the issue.
I'm still a Nice Guy with my head on a swivel. Not afraid of my wife anymore.

Life's a game. I don't like to lose.
I cut pretty deep to the core of her..had to blast through the defenses and expose the fog to her.

MLC
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
I don't doubt I'm an enabler.

Affairs run their course then reality sets in.

She knows I'll find out about underground... I agree she has been faithful as that is the way she is.

Again I get it.... we also will reconcile our marriage... no doubts in my mind.
I was blind for a while but then I could see.

Life is interesting.
You might want to change your name then cause it sounds like you're not really trying to figure it out, seems like you already have it all figured out! :)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
877 Posts
I'm not saying this to hurt you, but at this point you should buy her some sexy undies and send her over to his house.

She not only still has contact but she has your permission. You're going down hard. The sad part is you refuse to see it. I really hope you can toughen up for your sake.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,335 Posts
The thing is, if you're going to draw a line in the sand, you've got to have the stones to back it up. You let her walk past it with no consequences, so now she doesn't take your ultimatums seriously. She doesn't respect you. If you don't follow through on what you say you're going to do then the whole thing is just a big joke to her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
Sorry OP but I have to agree with most others here.

You offered her choice A or B. She chose C and you're OK with that

Even if it's over between them. she's still carrying a torch for him.

I'd venture to guess that within the next 6 months you'll be dealing with the ILYBNILWY again and talk about seperation.

Sorry
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,402 Posts
My gut tells me she has a burner phone. She texts on other phone a few times a day so it doesn't look suspicious. You need a VAR and a key logger, access to all her email and social network accounts. Honestly you are going to shoot yourself in the foot. Women don't want to be with someone who doesn't stand up for himself. You are choosing short term comfort over long term success in your marriage. Start reading Married Man Sex Life. Man up. (did I just say that?)
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,007 Posts
I don't doubt I'm an enabler. I was the poster boy "Nice Guy"

Affairs run their course then reality sets in.
What reality has set in for her?, the reality that YOU allow her to have a close friendship with OM, thats what she relalized

She knows I'll find out about underground... I agree she has been faithful as that is the way she is.
I repeat, she didnt take it underground!! she's doing it right in front of you, why in the world would she need to take it underground?

Again I get it.... we also will reconcile our marriage... no doubts in my mind.
I was blind for a while but then I could see.
T2..I say this with the best intent, but my god man, it seems you are having trouble seeing the forest through the trees, what exactly are you seeing? because on this side it dosent appear to be any good at all.

Life is interesting. I think though most give up to soon. Work the issue.
I'm still a Nice Guy with my head on a swivel. Not afraid of my wife anymore.
T2 this couldnt be more wrong, you seem terrified and thats ok to be afraid, but it is our fear that paralyzes us....
“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” Jack Canfield


Life's a game. I don't like to lose.
I cut pretty deep to the core of her..had to blast through the defenses and expose the fog to her.
Yes, I agree shes in the E/A fog and you are in a fog to

MLC
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,290 Posts
We'll see. I don't think there will be a year 4 of sexless but again we'll see.
NO! Just a month ago, you were saying "there will not be a year 4!"... Now it's "we'll see"???? Seriously? You are giving in to her. She has won. You only THINK she has given it all up. How do I know? BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THERE! I was once in YOUR WIFE'S shoes. The only difference is that mine absolutely never went PA... you are unsure about hers. Regardless, your lack of sex is STILL her remaining faithful... TO HIM!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,948 Posts
T, I tried as best I could not to take out the 2x4's. To me you always seem to have faith in your decisions. That included no OM in the picture. Remember that confidence? That's why this one has me perplexed. The only thing I can say to myself is you're there and see something I don't, but your explanations don't support that. I guess as you've done before, you'll do this your way. I don't support it, but I'll be pulling for your success.

Were the text and convos flirtatious, sexual or emotional?

Did you ask her to read Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Who is this man to her, that she chooses his friendship over her husband?

What have you done to to back him off or C block him?


I don't know why but it seems you want to do this in steps. Like getting a few hits to score instead of a HR? I hope, for you sake, you got this covered. Your seem to be putting the whole game on her taking each step. It's not a game I could play. I'm to possessive of my wife and my upbringing wouldn't allow it.

Have you read Gabriel's thread, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/57830-ive-been-afraid-post.html?

Good luck, keep us posted.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Maricha75

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,120 Posts
Discussion Starter #20 (Edited)
Here is the deal..

I will not get a VAR, hire a PI or even worry about this anymore he other guy is not worth anymore of my time... up to my wife to end it.

At the end of the day you either trust your wife or don't. Really I don't care.... she can run to him all she wants I have given her that option.

She got caught up in more than a friendship.... she loosened her own boundaries.

It was up to me to make her fully aware of the consequences and the harm she caused.

I did that and if it doesn't stop and we don't return to a sexual marriage then we fail.

MY wife has proven over and over I can trust her.... she has been made aware this relationship she fostered was hurting our marriage and family. Its a process her and I have been going through... its not like this is a "new' discovery.... I knew about this for 18 months.... however wasn't sure it was an EA. Now I'm certain just based on her reactions.

She'll fix that now she knows she needs to get her head into our marriage.

My wife texts LOTS of people... this particular guy she texted too much daily... she fell into that relationship. She'll learn a good lesson from this.
 
1 - 20 of 573 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top