[JoeHenderson]

Hello all,

I haven't been on in a very long time. The last time I visited was probably around February 2012. We had not had sex in about 15 months up until that point. We had sex sometime in May and about 4 more times until August. I was feeling good and thinking we were making gains. I have been nothing more than committed, ready to communicate, and emotionally supportive. But once again, we haven't had sex since early August. She seems to be her happiest when I don't try to make a move. She still has a hard time when I tell her she looks sexy or caress her arm. When we can, I take her out on dates, though money is tight as I've been the only one working for quite a while, working 1 1/2 jobs.

As you can imagine, I've been down on our marriage, though I try to be positive and optimistic. Anyways, I wanted to announce that I'm back and that I want to rejoin this community in hopes of receiving and providing support.

 

[kingsfan]

Welcome back. Sorry to hear the improvements aren't to size/amount you'd like.

 

[JoeHenderson]

thanks kingsfan,

I appreciated that we were trying, but I'm worried that the sex in May-August was just a phase to get me to shut up, deal with her guilt, or whatever, but had less to do with genuinely caring about our intimacy.

 

[Dubya]

are you running the MAP?

 

[JoeHenderson]

What is the MAP?

 

[Dubya]

Its where a man starts to focus on himself and in that focus makes improvements that either draw his wife closer to him or puts him in the best possible position to leave and seek happiness.

Stands for Male Action Plan and is part of the Married Man's Sex Life Primer written by Athol Kay ( i believe).

I think it makes a lot of sense for guy at the end of his rope.

 

[ChristineReynolds]

I feel for you Joe. You seem like a good guy that is just wanting a good healthy relationship with your wife. Going 15 months without having sex and then every now and then after that just isn't a healthy relationship though. Something is up, and you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Find out if there is something you can change to make her happier. To me, it sounds like there is a good chance she may be depressed. You can help her though, and she should appreciate your genuine concern for her happiness.

 

[Dubya]

How does this strike you?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/60223-finally-read-mmsl.html

guy is talking about reading the book I just mentioned above.. the thread is active... jump in

 

[unbelievable]

Confirms my beliefs. Leopards don't change their spots. Faced with a nonsexual partner, you can dump them or you can learn to live a basically celibate existence. You might get the occasional crumb they throw to convince you they are trying, but it's not sincere, it doesn't last, and the effort is made to just to shut you up or to keep you hanging around for more exploitation.

 

[JoeHenderson]

I feel for you Joe. You seem like a good guy that is just wanting a good healthy relationship with your wife. Going 15 months without having sex and then every now and then after that just isn't a healthy relationship though. Something is up, and you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Find out if there is something you can change to make her happier. To me, it sounds like there is a good chance she may be depressed. You can help her though, and she should appreciate your genuine concern for her happiness.

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I've had some sitdowns with varying degrees of success. Each time I try to consider her needs, using "I" statements and reducing blaming language. However, I tend to neglect my needs in the process as I see her get upset or guilty.

I've asked her about her mood and have offered to help, but she denies being depressed. She just tells that all breastfeeding mothers go through sexlessness and Hs are supposed to be patient. Lately, I've been patient to the point that I've stopped making contact recently (I own up to that). Our child is almost 2 years old now.

 

[JoeHenderson]

How does this strike you?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/60223-finally-read-mmsl.html

guy is talking about reading the book I just mentioned above.. the thread is active... jump in

Thanks, Dubya. I can relate to the OP. I was an athletic man (not as much now) and am a leader, well liked, and confident in most settings. I'm emotionally supportive in my marriage, but my W's emotional reactions such as her feelings of guilt, sadness, anger can sometimes be overwhelming and so I bend. I get uncomfortable with her discomfort and just take it on myself to cope. I'll look into this book. Thanks!

 

[Dubya]

Thanks, Dubya. I can relate to the OP. I was an athletic man (not as much now) and am a leader, well liked, and confident in most settings. I'm emotionally supportive in my marriage, but my W's emotional reactions such as her feelings of guilt, sadness, anger can sometimes be overwhelming and so I bend. I get uncomfortable with her discomfort and just take it on myself to cope. I'll look into this book. Thanks!

Anytime, bud.

Oh, and if she is breast feeding, that will have a hormonal impact.

One thing that is key: she has to get the fact that sex is a true emotional need for most men. Patience only goes so far...

Maybe "His Needs Her Need's" by Harley could help her see that

 

[JoeHenderson]

Anytime, bud.
Maybe "His Needs Her Need's" by Harley could help her see that

True, but she doesn't see it as a problem on her part. The problem is i have a sex drive. Even when I would make a move biweekly, i was labeled an uncontrollable horndog.

 

[WorkingOnMe]

Wait, you mean being a pushover doesn't work even it you try it for 15 months? Well definitely keep trying it! Or read mmsl and consider a different path.

 

[jumperdono]

Its where a man starts to focus on himself and in that focus makes improvements

 

[kingsfan]

True, but she doesn't see it as a problem on her part. The problem is i have a sex drive. Even when I would make a move biweekly, i was labeled an uncontrollable horndog.

Maybe point out to her that studies claim on average couples in North American have approximately 100 times a year (or just under twice a week) and that if you are an uncontrollable horndog for want sex biweekly then so are the typical men (and women) in the continent. Then add that what is more likely is that you aren't an uncontrollable horndog, she's a prude whose been allowed to run roughshod over the marriage.

 

[Tall Average Guy]

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I've had some sitdowns with varying degrees of success. Each time I try to consider her needs, using "I" statements and reducing blaming language. However, I tend to neglect my needs in the process as I see her get upset or guilty.

Why are your needs less important that her anger and guilt? Consider she is using these emotions (maybe even unintentionally) to control you and avoid addressing the issue.

If her actions result in her feeling guilty, why is it your responsibility to ease that guilt?

 

[JoeHenderson]

Why are your needs less important that her anger and guilt? Consider she is using these emotions (maybe even unintentionally) to control you and avoid addressing the issue.

If her actions result in her feeling guilty, why is it your responsibility to ease that guilt?

They are not less important and she probably is using them on some subconscious level. I understand that on a cognitive level, but it's harder in the moment when my nurturing side gets in the way. I'm practicing my coping skills to stay persistent in light of her emotional reactions. Actually, once I laughed to myself a bit because one of her tantrums were comical. Then I composed myself and expressed my point of view

 

[MEM2020]

Your child is 2. The breastfeeding is a way to keep you away from her, not to nurture the baby.

I bet if you addressed that directly you would get a very surprising response.

Babe - I know you hate sex with me so let's stop pretending this is about breastfeeding. Since I already know how you feel about it, how about you tell me why.

And when she cries you sit back dead silent until she stops or runs out of the room. The fact she can manipulate you so easily is a part of the problem.

She sees you as a big strong stupid easily manipulated male. And if you listen carefully you will hear it in how she talks to you.

 

[MEM2020]

Stop using words and communicate with facial expressions of disbelief and amusement. And stop being her servant. I bet she asks you to perform many acts of service. Practice saying 'I am not going to be able to do that'.
Don't apologize and don't explain and don't argue. Say it once and change the subject. If need be, end the conversation.

Because you talk and then she gives you assignments to confirm you are still submissive to her desires. And you do them. Even if you complain you do them.