I don't know your wife so only you can truly answer this question. Is it possible that she has been so traumatized by guilt over her affair that she has repressed the details? Is she in IC and/or are you both in MC? Can this be explored there? Have you thought about a polygraph test? I really don't trust them but maybe the threat of one will jog her memory. I can understand you needed to know the details and to hear it from her but you should make sure she is actually able to provide them before you hinge your R on them.
Update on my R
DDAY Nov 2011.
M- 29 years.
We are soon to close on our second home. Wasted over 6 months due to not understanding the VA process or we would have been together sooner. I work in another city and rent an apartment during the week and go home on weekends. I started this about a year ago due to a promotion and after my WS started her A.
My youngest son is going to rent our current home and is in the process of getting other roommates. We will be moving into our new home near the end of October.
My wife has stopped lying. The last time was about two months ago. I really got angry. She went out with her sister (long story) till 1:30 A.M. and lied about it. There was no need for her to lie. I have a problem with her sister but if my wife would have just told me the truth it would not have escalated into a major fight. My wife told me over 3 days 6 versions and I knew where she was, when, everything and yet she kept lying. I was finally ready to leave her over this. I told her to stop lying or else. I said this is really nonsense in that you keep lying over stupid stuff. I said, I know where you were, at what times, what you did and who you were with. I said, all you had to do was tell me the truth when I asked you and it would have been no big deal. All I wanted was for her to tell me where she was (I already knew) and I told her I knew all about it and was OK with it but it was when she lied that I lost it. My wife is a lousy liar.
Been to the Virgin Islands and we will leave for Cancun in a few weeks. Been fun and will be fun.
She has done a lot more heavy lifting and has been very open.
On the negative side she still will not answer some of my questions and just wants to move on. I won't, can't until she answers questions. We had a dicussion today. This morning I asked my wife where was she last year on Tuesday and Friday. Last year on Columbus day (Monday) we drove down to the city where I work to look at a house that I was going to rent. It was fine. The next day I started orientation and stayed in a hotel until the guy I was renting the house from got my background check. He had a five year old son that would be in the house and wanted to make sure I was OK. During orientation I would call my wife. She was talking to me on the phone while having sex. Then on Friday I came home and we had sex hours after she had sex with the OM. She told me this morning that she does not remember. Sorry, I got mad and said so it was just like going out for coffee? I said, it is getting old you not remembering. I said I know where you were, what you did, when, etc. I said it was if I was there and you don't remember. I told my wife you better start remembering. I said, here it was, we were excited about my promotion and you could not wait a day to hook up with the OM. I said, this is a significant date. I was away for the first time and you were celebrating that fact with the OM and you don't remember. She said it is all a blur and all the times are fading. I don't buy it, never will.
My question for any who will listen is this. Am I being an ass? Why do these dates seem so significant to me seem not to be so for her? We go to Disney, come home on Saturday and she is having sex with the OM on Tuesday and he leaves for Disney with his family on Friday and she says I don't remember it. I said you would have talked about Disney. She says I don't remember talking about Disney to the OM. Then this week a year ago. I move to another city and the very day I move she is having sex with the OM and can't tell me anything. Says, "I don't remember". Frankly I don't get her not telling me. I know everything and yet I can't get her to say it and she lived it.
I truely want to move forward and I keep telling her until you tell me some things I can't. She says, "I want to tell you but I don't remember and just want to move forward". I told her I will not relive 2010 over again. In 2010 she had a very sexual EA and I rug swept it. I said I will not repeat 2010.
I feel like we have made great strides but I am stuck. And until I get some answers I will remain so.
M- 29 years.
We are soon to close on our second home. Wasted over 6 months due to not understanding the VA process or we would have been together sooner. I work in another city and rent an apartment during the week and go home on weekends. I started this about a year ago due to a promotion and after my WS started her A.
My youngest son is going to rent our current home and is in the process of getting other roommates. We will be moving into our new home near the end of October.
My wife has stopped lying. The last time was about two months ago. I really got angry. She went out with her sister (long story) till 1:30 A.M. and lied about it. There was no need for her to lie. I have a problem with her sister but if my wife would have just told me the truth it would not have escalated into a major fight. My wife told me over 3 days 6 versions and I knew where she was, when, everything and yet she kept lying. I was finally ready to leave her over this. I told her to stop lying or else. I said this is really nonsense in that you keep lying over stupid stuff. I said, I know where you were, at what times, what you did and who you were with. I said, all you had to do was tell me the truth when I asked you and it would have been no big deal. All I wanted was for her to tell me where she was (I already knew) and I told her I knew all about it and was OK with it but it was when she lied that I lost it. My wife is a lousy liar.
Been to the Virgin Islands and we will leave for Cancun in a few weeks. Been fun and will be fun.
She has done a lot more heavy lifting and has been very open.
On the negative side she still will not answer some of my questions and just wants to move on. I won't, can't until she answers questions. We had a dicussion today. This morning I asked my wife where was she last year on Tuesday and Friday. Last year on Columbus day (Monday) we drove down to the city where I work to look at a house that I was going to rent. It was fine. The next day I started orientation and stayed in a hotel until the guy I was renting the house from got my background check. He had a five year old son that would be in the house and wanted to make sure I was OK. During orientation I would call my wife. She was talking to me on the phone while having sex. Then on Friday I came home and we had sex hours after she had sex with the OM. She told me this morning that she does not remember. Sorry, I got mad and said so it was just like going out for coffee? I said, it is getting old you not remembering. I said I know where you were, what you did, when, etc. I said it was if I was there and you don't remember. I told my wife you better start remembering. I said, here it was, we were excited about my promotion and you could not wait a day to hook up with the OM. I said, this is a significant date. I was away for the first time and you were celebrating that fact with the OM and you don't remember. She said it is all a blur and all the times are fading. I don't buy it, never will.
My question for any who will listen is this. Am I being an ass? Why do these dates seem so significant to me seem not to be so for her? We go to Disney, come home on Saturday and she is having sex with the OM on Tuesday and he leaves for Disney with his family on Friday and she says I don't remember it. I said you would have talked about Disney. She says I don't remember talking about Disney to the OM. Then this week a year ago. I move to another city and the very day I move she is having sex with the OM and can't tell me anything. Says, "I don't remember". Frankly I don't get her not telling me. I know everything and yet I can't get her to say it and she lived it.
I truely want to move forward and I keep telling her until you tell me some things I can't. She says, "I want to tell you but I don't remember and just want to move forward". I told her I will not relive 2010 over again. In 2010 she had a very sexual EA and I rug swept it. I said I will not repeat 2010.
I feel like we have made great strides but I am stuck. And until I get some answers I will remain so.
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1 - 20 of 65 Posts
thorburn, i guess i'm officially with you. i have also dealt with a sort-of-R for about 6 months now. the "sort of" is that he has never told me everything.
the way i found out anything was by catching him, and even though i know that there was more than one A in the past, he refuses to officially disclose anything beyond the one that's the most recent.
like you, i find that i can't move on under these circumstances. and i have tried! i have not wanted to be quick to toss a marriage aside, and i know that i need to work on myself, too.
but the continued secrecy has become too much.
i have wondered at times, is this too much to ask? but i just can't stomach it. it's such a shame, because i feel that i could forgive -- but there has to be openness about what i'm forgiving.
so if you are being an *ss, i guess i am too.
the way i found out anything was by catching him, and even though i know that there was more than one A in the past, he refuses to officially disclose anything beyond the one that's the most recent.
like you, i find that i can't move on under these circumstances. and i have tried! i have not wanted to be quick to toss a marriage aside, and i know that i need to work on myself, too.
but the continued secrecy has become too much.
i have wondered at times, is this too much to ask? but i just can't stomach it. it's such a shame, because i feel that i could forgive -- but there has to be openness about what i'm forgiving.
so if you are being an *ss, i guess i am too.
Another thought I have is that I see many WS on TAM talk about how they compartmentalized their affairs to keep them separate from the other parts of their life. Is it possible your wife did this as well. And now that her affair is over that part of her is gone or rapidly fading? I'm just brainstorming here.
my situation has some things in common with yours, boogie. how did you get your H to admit to all those involvements? or did he come out with it on his own at some point? and did he willingly go for help?Wow, I really feel for you. I also noticed how many posts you have posted...Are all those regarding your wife's affair?
I wish I knew more about what you are going through. Is it dates or is it how many times she had sex?
I have found that my husband really can't remember everything I want him to remember.
Think of it this way: Do you remember everytime you have ever had sex? I hate to say it like that, I really do, it sucks so much, but it may be the truth. Also, this affair is really much more important to you now than it is to her. I understand your pain - I am totally mental - However...my husband is NOT. He is not interested in talking about his "sh.t" anymore. He is tired of answering questions. He can't remember any more details.
My counselor said to me now - second week in a row: "STOP asking questions." In a very nice tone - he is great - "Just get out of your comfort zone...stop asking questions...make statements like "your affair or you having sex with prostitutes (my husband) makes me feel..." And that's it. Leave it at that.
It is SO hard. I want to keep digging and digging...SEE YOU ARE PAIN SHOPPING. I love to pain shop. It feels so awful but good at the same time. My husband was addicted to sex: porn mostly, prostitutes (30 times) and strippers (50 times). So I know how many times he had intercourse and yet I still need to know more and more and more because I have gotten used to the horrible pain.
He is done - going to therapy and groups...I am going to therapy and groups and yet I still want more pain.
It's nice to tell you this because I understand. You want to understand how she could do this to you. I want to understand how he could do this to me. We will never understand.
So together, let's stop all this pain shopping. Let's stop all these questions, and like my amazing therapist (he is a sex addiction therapist and all affairs are about addiction also) and let's do what he says: stop asking questions and make simple yet thorough statements about how we feel...and then we can recover and heal. And then we can stay with our spouses and have a better relationship than ever..or we can leave.
Wishing you healing and love.
i found out what my WH has been up to, but even though he knows that i know, he refuses to acknowledge or discuss it.
In your posts you have been consistent that your wife's lies. Given that's her habit, I'm with you that she knows/remembers but would not admit to it.
I suppose she's so used to you letting her get away with it without serious consequences that she'll just out wait you. You really want to stay with her, I can sense that. If I can sense that via your posts, she's probably more capable of that being right there with you.
I suppose she's so used to you letting her get away with it without serious consequences that she'll just out wait you. You really want to stay with her, I can sense that. If I can sense that via your posts, she's probably more capable of that being right there with you.
Without honesty I am not sure how you could have anything...
I don't know brother....
I just don't know....
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I just don't know....
Posted via Mobile Device
Sure she remembers, damm well.
She's an acomplished liar and a serial cheater, she's used to plan her trysts ahead. She's perfectly aware abut the practical things.
She will always give you the bare minimun info, what she can't deny. As she can always argue I don't remember'' it's what she comes with.
I had all the info I needed to back up her stories. My wife remembered all. Every single detail.
Lies are about control. Always.
She's an acomplished liar and a serial cheater, she's used to plan her trysts ahead. She's perfectly aware abut the practical things.
She will always give you the bare minimun info, what she can't deny. As she can always argue I don't remember'' it's what she comes with.
I had all the info I needed to back up her stories. My wife remembered all. Every single detail.
Lies are about control. Always.
Lies, sloppy seconds, sudden amnesia as the end all response to any argument about the affair?
False R written all over it.
And about the seconds, its take a really cold sort of woman to bang OM and then give his leavings to her husband in the same, most disgusting thing a woman can do. Also you probably already know, but she was definitely getting enjoyment out of that knowledge.
People are different. Some don't need the details, but some can't move on until they know everything. Sounds like you fit in the later.
I suggest you go to counseling and get this sorted, cause your in for a resentment filled marriage if you don't.
False R written all over it.
And about the seconds, its take a really cold sort of woman to bang OM and then give his leavings to her husband in the same, most disgusting thing a woman can do. Also you probably already know, but she was definitely getting enjoyment out of that knowledge.
People are different. Some don't need the details, but some can't move on until they know everything. Sounds like you fit in the later.
I suggest you go to counseling and get this sorted, cause your in for a resentment filled marriage if you don't.
:iagree:Lies, sloppy seconds, sudden amnesia as the end all response to any argument about the affair?
False R written all over it.
And about the seconds, its take a really cold sort of woman to bang OM and then give his leavings to her husband in the same, most disgusting thing a woman can do. Also you probably already know, but she was definitely getting enjoyment out of that knowledge.
People are different. Some don't need the details, but some can't move on until they know everything. Sounds like you fit in the later.
I suggest you go to counseling and get this sorted, cause your in for a resentment filled marriage if you don't.
I don't think you're being an ass.
You remember the details on that sort of thing.
Have you expressed to her that discussing this would be more therapeutic to your R?
Poly time for her.
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She doesn't want to tell you all the sordid details. Of course she remembers & was not in some hazy "fog" during her affair. She's lying, you know it, she knows you know it..IDK why she is like that.
I am reading a book The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs, Third Edition by Peggy Vaughan. She talks about the higher success rates when WS share and answer questions. My wife said I want to help you get over it. My response is I will not do what I did in 2010 and you need to answer questions. She said you know the answers and I said I want to hear it from you and all she says is I don't remember.
My wife ended IC without telling me over a month ago. I asked her about it. She said she got the answers she needed and I said when were you going to tell me. Silence. What answers did you get. Silence.
I still say overall R is going well except for her silence and it does not make any sense to me. I keep telling her that I feel she is hiding things and until that ends I cannot move forward.
My wife ended IC without telling me over a month ago. I asked her about it. She said she got the answers she needed and I said when were you going to tell me. Silence. What answers did you get. Silence.
I still say overall R is going well except for her silence and it does not make any sense to me. I keep telling her that I feel she is hiding things and until that ends I cannot move forward.
:Sure she remembers, damm well.
She's an acomplished liar and a serial cheater, she's used to plan her trysts ahead. She's perfectly aware abut the practical things.
She will always give you the bare minimun info, what she can't deny. As she can always argue I don't remember'' it's what she comes with.
I had all the info I needed to back up her stories. My wife remembered all. Every single detail.
Lies are about control. Always.
I totally agree with you. When a woman has sex with a man good or bad she remembers . Heck we can even remember dreaming about having sex with a sexy man. :smthumbup:.. Sorry for the OP because the W is not being honest.
Thorburn, I've been follwing you for a while. I'm very sorry you are that bad. I only can tell the truth because the opposite is doing you a huge disservice.
This
In this thread you admit: she won't disclose, she can't stop lying, she went to IC to shut you up (learned nothing).
This
ContradictsMy wife ended IC without telling me over a month ago. I asked her about it. She said she got the answers she needed and I said when were you going to tell me. Silence. What answers did you get. Silence
I think what you have acheived so far is she stopped her f0cking OMs. But that already happened the last time, and the one before that also.I still say overall R is going well
In this thread you admit: she won't disclose, she can't stop lying, she went to IC to shut you up (learned nothing).
Your wife is a broken person and was enabled to live as she is for most of her life.(the enablers included you) She has no reason to change now. You will have to acceot that this your reality.
Chances are, she remembers. I remember things a boy said to me when I was in 7th grade. I remember things my ex husband said to me 20 years ago. I remember things my WS said to me on d-day.
Women (perhaps men too.... I don't mean to stereotype... I am a chick, its all I know).... we rehash things in our minds over and over and over again. We rethink about good things and bad things. It doesn't matter, it is what we do.
I have lupus, which unfortunately messes with my memory.... but guess what, I still remember certain things.
Hugs
Women (perhaps men too.... I don't mean to stereotype... I am a chick, its all I know).... we rehash things in our minds over and over and over again. We rethink about good things and bad things. It doesn't matter, it is what we do.
I have lupus, which unfortunately messes with my memory.... but guess what, I still remember certain things.
Hugs
I firmly believe that without the truth, we can not heal. she remembers. She might not remember everything crystal clear, like the exact time or position she was in that day, but she remembers.DDAY Nov 2011.
M- 29 years.
My question for any who will listen is this. Am I being an ass? Why do these dates seem so significant to me seem not to be so for her?
Says, "I don't remember". Frankly I don't get her not telling me. I know everything and yet I can't get her to say it and she lived it.
I truely want to move forward and I keep telling her until you tell me some things I can't. She says, "I want to tell you but I don't remember and just want to move forward". I told her I will not relive 2010 over again. In 2010 she had a very sexual EA and I rug swept it. I said I will not repeat 2010.
I feel like we have made great strides but I am stuck. And until I get some answers I will remain so.
If you want my honest opinion, I will say she is withholding information to try and force you to rug sweep, so she can evade the consequences of ALL of her actions.
I can't say for sure, but I will say that I am convinced R can not happen without the full truth answered to the BS's satisfaction.
What heavy lifting??? Her lying, or was it forgetting, or just not telling you. How about going out until 1:30 when you are out of town and lying about it.... You were ok with her going out, but she didn't know that, thought you wouldn't be, so lied about it and STILL went out... That says a whole bunch right there.
What the hell was she doing before her so called heavy lifting??? You are in some serious denial.
What the hell was she doing before her so called heavy lifting??? You are in some serious denial.
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