Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
It's been a year since I moved out of our house and we're still not divorced. About 6 months after I left he started dating and wouldn't let me back into the house even to get my things. He even called the police once and said I pushed him so they would make me leave. I still have a hard time believing that this was my best friend!
I am living alone and dating. I have TONS more $$ now that I'm not supporting him, his business and his social life. I'm currently dating a totally WONDERFUL man who thinks I'm sexy, smart and gorgeous. He's an attorney for a large tech company so he spoils me often, and the sex is AMAZING! Despite all that I am still so very angry at the short, bald, small;), poor, Italian man I loved so much. I can't remember why I loved him and now there is no love or even fond feelings in my heart for him. All I have left for him is hate and ill will. I am obsessed with seeing him fail and I am determined not to get screwed in this divorce no matter how much it costs me. Sometimes I cyber stalk him and his new gf (who is a psycho BTW).
So how do I get rid of this hate? How do I stop letting him hurt me? No matter how well I'm doing or how much I like my wonderful and rich boyfriend I can't stop thinking about how much he hurt me and how he took everything from me. Everyday I am plagued with feelings of hatred and sadness.
Friendly advice welcome....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,583 Posts
OP,
Feelings are a very strange and complicated interwoven mixture of emotion, physical stimuli, psychological adaptations and so on. We can say that we choose them but in true reality the best we can do is control them. You still have strong feelings for your H and would most likely take him back if it were possible. That is indicative of your depth of feeling. For beings such as us, there is no switch that can turn on and off our feelings. They are deeply rooted and therefore hard to remove.

The best way to lose the hate is to lose the love. When you can finally reach the point that you can honestly say that your WH's life is of no consequence to you, then you will experience freedom from your feelings. Time is the only way to eradicate those feelings as you begin to finally face the truth that he is gone and now needs to be forgotten. Then he will no longer consume your thoughts. It is a simple answer to speak but a very difficult action to perform, let it go is all that needs be done but what difficulty that simple phrase represents to us.

You must force him from your mind and, in time, he will fade in significance. I wish you well in your quest for freedom.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
909 Posts
I agree with NoChoice. But in the interim, if you find that you can't force thoughts of him from your mind by focusing on other things you can control or that do make you happy, you may want to consider counseling.

I understand what you're going through - I am, too, minus the wonderful new boyfriend. I should probably seek some counseling, myself, but in the meantime, I've found that having a few good friends I can vent to regularly about it really helps. I have one or two in particular that have been so kind as to let me vent so much and so often, that I've actually nearly gotten sick, myself, of talking about it.

Talking about it a lot to a sympathetic ear really, really helps. If you don't have many friends you think you can do this with, or if you fear you've made your good friends sick of hearing about it, look into some counseling so you can get all that poison in your mind and heart out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,211 Posts
I'm still in the same house with my STBX, but last week I talked to my counselor about this. I told her I am fed up with myself for constantly filling my head with thoughts of how horrible he is, replaying things over and over and over in my head, and I just want to get to the point of REALLY and truly not caring at ALL. We went through an elaborate exercise on a white board of dissecting all of the feelings I have, etc.

But really, the point is, as someone else said, it takes time :(.

The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. You (and I) need to really really try to get to the point of indifference. I wish I could tell you how to get there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
806 Posts
The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. You (and I) need to really really try to get to the point of indifference. I wish I could tell you how to get there.
Indifference is not the opposite of love, Hate truly is though. But instead of trying to let it go, use it for what it can give you; Motivation, vigor, fuel for your own self worth and avenge your marital death by rising up and onward. Indifference is the neutral ground, a place that takes a very long time to get to, a balance is required to stay there too, as well as self discipline to keep from reattaching to either the love or hate of your former spouse.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
843 Posts
OP,
That is indicative of your depth of feeling. For beings such as us, there is no switch that can turn on and off our feelings. They are deeply rooted and therefore hard to remove.
NoChoice nailed it. The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. He is living rent free in your head and if you continue it could destroy your new life or at very least make it less than it should be. Please don't tell me your dumping all this stuff about your ex on your boyfriend....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Thank you all for your thoughts. I gain depth with your words. I don't agree that I would take him back, there has been too much to forgive. I try not to dump all this on my bf but at times it comes out. My bf is amazing and supportive but I try not to "dump" or even let him in. I guess that's problem #2, I'll save that for the "Learning to trust again" forum. Hate may or may not be the opposite of love but I like the idea of apathy and I hope I can get there soon. I really appreciate your input and I will try to be LOGICAL about my feelings :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,276 Posts
My guess would be, there is still a lot of emotional triggers going on to help you stay stuck.

For extinction to occur, emotional triggers need to occur less and less. But there is probably something going on that is constantly reinforcing the attachment. Your cyber stalking is probably one occurrence, your need to get revenge of some sort, your need for some validation,those things are helping you stay where you are at.

Perhaps you should seek therapy if it is highly affecting your over all well-being. If it highly impacts other aspects of your life, you should consider doing things differently.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
74 Posts
Forgive him. That's the way out. It's the way to apathy.

Forgive him, not because he deserves it, but because you deserve peace. Of cause, there is no "forgive" button in your brain. But you can start by moving in that direction.

One way to do that is to consciously change what you think about him. For example, if you hear yourself say, "i hate him" or "he ruined my life" or "i wish him ill", you can change it to, "he's not worth my hatred" or "I have better thinks to do with my emotions than hating this guy" or "yes i know he hurt me so bad, but i forgive him" or "i wish him well in his endeavors". etc. etc.

You may be surprised at how quickly it helps you get back your peace.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,211 Posts
Forgive him. That's the way out. It's the way to apathy.

Forgive him, not because he deserves it, but because you deserve peace. Of cause, there is no "forgive" button in your brain. But you can start by moving in that direction.

One way to do that is to consciously change what you think about him. For example, if you hear yourself say, "i hate him" or "he ruined my life" or "i wish him ill", you can change it to, "he's not worth my hatred" or "I have better thinks to do with my emotions than hating this guy" or "yes i know he hurt me so bad, but i forgive him" or "i wish him well in his endeavors". etc. etc.

You may be surprised at how quickly it helps you get back your peace.
Thank you. This helped me. I'm not the OP, but it helped me since I have the same feelings I'm dealing with. I'm working with my therapist in retraining my brain/pathways in my brain by journaling. For example, my exercise this week is to make a list of all of my good qualities I'd bring to a relationship with a loving man who doesn't disrespect me and put me down, and make a list of good decisions I've made because I was sharing that I don't even trust my own judgment anymore. The idea is that by writing these things down we start to change the way we think as new pathways are formed.

I'm going to talk to my therapist about writing down things like what you mentioned about my ex in an effort to start actually feeling them and gaining that detachment I desperately want.

One thing that marginally helps me is sometimes to step back and remember that God loves him just as much as He loves me. He delights in him and all of his many imperfections just as He does me and everyone else. It softens my heart a bit in that moment anyway.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,503 Posts
It's only been a year. It takes sometime..

You eventually get over it.. It just happens one day.. You just realize you're not thinking anything about them anymore..

But don't think it completely goes away.. Him being a d!ck and calling the cops on you is the stuff I wouldn't forget..

Meaning you can forgive and realize that they are just big fvcking d!cks and you just can't take the d!ck out of some people's mouth.. But it doesn't mean you forget..

My ex wife is a total d0uche to me and my oldest son.. I don't care if she died, but I do want her to live a long and healthy life because she can keep paying me child support.. But is the ONLY reason why I care today...

Therapy did help out tons.. Plus you might not realize it, but this stuff carries over into other relationships sometimes.. End result others suffer because of your issues with your Ex..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,156 Posts
It is important to realize that our feelings are of our own making. They are generated by the interpretations and meaning we apply to events and circumstances. They aren't "real" in the sense of being consistent or immutable. YOU decide how you feel about things. Feeling are a choice.

You can CHOOSE to feel pity for this pathetic man who is throwing away his life with you. You can CHOOSE to feel grateful that he has revealed his unworthiness and allowed you to move on.

Understanding that your feelings are entirely under your control will help you throughout your life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,804 Posts
Thank you. This helped me. I'm not the OP, but it helped me since I have the same feelings I'm dealing with. I'm working with my therapist in retraining my brain/pathways in my brain by journaling. For example, my exercise this week is to make a list of all of my good qualities I'd bring to a relationship with a loving man who doesn't disrespect me and put me down, and make a list of good decisions I've made because I was sharing that I don't even trust my own judgment anymore. The idea is that by writing these things down we start to change the way we think as new pathways are formed.

I'm going to talk to my therapist about writing down things like what you mentioned about my ex in an effort to start actually feeling them and gaining that detachment I desperately want.

One thing that marginally helps me is sometimes to step back and remember that God loves him just as much as He loves me. He delights in him and all of his many imperfections just as He does me and everyone else. It softens my heart a bit in that moment anyway.
If you like to read, there's a great book on this called Emotional Alchemy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,931 Posts
Forgive him. That's the way out. It's the way to apathy.

Forgive him, not because he deserves it, but because you deserve peace. Of cause, there is no "forgive" button in your brain. But you can start by moving in that direction.

One way to do that is to consciously change what you think about him. For example, if you hear yourself say, "i hate him" or "he ruined my life" or "i wish him ill", you can change it to, "he's not worth my hatred" or "I have better thinks to do with my emotions than hating this guy" or "yes i know he hurt me so bad, but i forgive him" or "i wish him well in his endeavors". etc. etc.

You may be surprised at how quickly it helps you get back your peace.
But are you really forgiving or just programming your mind to believe you forgive him? You can accept without forgiving.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
885 Posts
I haven't read all the responses but frankly, it seems normal and healthy to me to be angry and want him to be miserable.

I still can't stand the little girl in 7th grade that stole my bracelet off my desk at school.

As long as you don't participate in revenge, or become overly obsessed, I think it will fade a bit over time but probably never completely.

It's PTSD at it's finest. I think doing the 180 is very important. Facebook/social media stalking is very tempting because it's so easy but torturing yourself by looking will keep it at the surface.

I say, take some of that new found $$ and get into some IC or take a class in exercise or something healthy and therapeutic.

Time and distance is your friend but I don't think it's possible to ever be anger free.

And also remember, if you are tempted to stalk his social media, 99.9% of everyone's ci complete BS. Usually, the more happy and sappy stuff people put up is to hide the misery and problems that really exist.

Download a good playlist of upbeat and "bye-bye" loser songs or songs that make you happy or make you think of how great you are.

You are dating so enjoy this part of your life, tomorrow is promised to no one.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top