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Hello Everyone,

We have a problem that has pervaded our relation ship for years. We are trying to find a resolution to this problem. I am faced with two options either try to accept the version of events I have been told or continue to seek a way to resolve this issue. Advice points and counter points are not only welcome but sought after. Details to be given below. Do I accept that this is my problem with trust or that I cannot accept it because it is simply not true.
Thank you for all of your help. We have posted before on Marriage Builders and only received a few responses from a few people. while those responses were helpful I am being told that a larger sampling of responses is preferred. ( I know) I am posting again at the behest of my wife/partner and due to financial issues within my field and lockouts etc we cannot afford a poly low cost so for now this is the best option. We have been to counseling but I am still loath to accept the advice given or the same explanation given. It just doesn't feel right. Please give us and me (as this may be due to my inability to trust) any and all advice you can. Thank you all. Here are both of our original posts combined and separated for the sake of defining our positions.


(Husband)My wife and I are having a difficult time resolving an issue and are seeking advice from other couples. About a month after our daughter was born my wife’s ex lover came to see our daughter. When I answered the door the ex said he didn’t know I was home and had heard from a previous co-worker that my wife had just had the baby and he had come to see her.
I was surprised by this because we had all three worked together when my wife and I started dating, I did not know that they had had a relationship or that they were friends. I let him in and called my wife. She came to the door, he told her the same, she got our daughter and let him hold her. He held her for a few seconds and left.
I asked what that was about, my wife lied and said they were friends. The next day she told me they had sex a few times before we started dating. He had called once while she was pregnant and she didn’t tell me. She told him we were together and having a baby. We were in an off and on relationship before me moving in and conception. She had gone to his surprise birthday party at a restaurant a month before I moved in and didn’t tell me.
After my wife and I lived together for two weeks I went to jail for three weeks prior to conception and felt we should get a DNA test. She says they didn’t have sex while I was in jail or since we started dating, the sexual relationship was over since the beginning when we first started dating.
We have different opinions and don’t know why this man would feel the need to come see our new baby. Has anyone had a similar situation or helpful opinion as to why he came over? If you are a man and had a sexual friendship with a woman, would you have thought about seeing the baby? Why or why not?
I did have the DNA test which she was willing to do. She paid for it too.
My daughter is mine no doubt. She says that she hadn't seen him in over a year and that he had called while she was pregnant but did not tell me about it. During the call she said she told him that she was with me now and could no longer see him. She said it was quick and he didn’t say much as she was headed out the door for work. We are not legally married but have lived as such and were engaged prior to my daughters birth. I met my wife and known her for about a year and a few months then moved in with her. I proposed and bought a ring while she was pregnant we were to be married after the birth of my daughter. Once this is resolved hopefully we can get past this and move on.

(Wife)My husband and I are writing and reading this together. He suggested the DNA test then said he didn't want to. I talked him into it and paid for it. I know he is the only man I had sex with and I knew the results would prove it. He said I figured I had a 50/50 chance and that is why i took the test.
We had talked about marriage before our baby was born, but the ring and talks about setting a date were not done until after this had happened. He has already done all the snooping and checking that has been suggested. We really want helpful opinions on this. Has anyone had a similar situation/known someone with a similar situation or as a man, do you have an opinion as to why he came over.

(Husband)The problem is my wife says she did not have a sexual relationship with him since we were together from the first time which would be approximately two years prior to our daughter being born. She says that she does not know why he showed up. She saw him last at the surprise b-day party and they did not have sex then according to her.
I am looking for other reasons why he would show up or basically how to believe this considering the circumstances. She would like for this issue to be laid to rest and my trust extended in her version of events. I am looking for any other suggestions people may have to aid her cause or side, as it were. Any people whom have been through similar circumstances and the party in question was proven innocent of any subsequent or prior wrong doing. This is a thorn in our side as I would like to believe her.
However I do not feel trust can be extended here without the entire truth which she professes to have divulged to me, that being said everyone seems to be of one accord regarding the dubiousness of the situation and that begs further explanation or some resolution. As far as I am concerned I see things differently than her. Thank you all for your help.

(Wife)Yes I did lie and it is wrong. It was a relationship that was in the past and I didn't tell him about it. Since my husband did know him from work, I should have told him. I didn't get nervous when he started asking questions because no questions were asked. He just went to bed and we didn't talk.
I knew what I did was wrong and went to him the next day with the truth. The OM and I were more friends than anything else. My previous marriage was over. My ex husband took all self esteem and self respect away from me. When my friend(OM)came on to me, I gave in because it was the first time in 9 years I felt good about myself and thought someone might actually like me. So, I didn't break up with him, when he got a girlfriend I stopped having sex with him and we remained friends and talked on the phone.
His girlfriend came up to the job (where she also use to work) and invited some people to a restaurant for OM birthday. That was one of the off times in my husband and my relationship. I would say our relationship was off and on due to both of us. Due to ending a very bad marriage on my part and his not being ready to commit and disappearing at times. My husband and most people on this site do feel i'm a liar, and I did lie in the past so why should he believe anything else I ever say.
But i know my husband is the only man I had sex with and i knew he was the father of our baby. The OM f***ed up our lives and i don't know why. My husband says that because he is a man he knows the ONLY reason the OM came over is because he thought the baby was his. The OM would have to be a total idiot (and bad at math) to believe that. Also, we actually did two DNA test.

(Husband)We had two DNA test done because I was suspicious of the first one. We had agreed to do the test and I said I would send it off but I fell short of cash and had to wait to get paid. In anger I left in the vehicle under the seat (stupid I know) she saw was hurt that I would do so and sent it in herself. I did not know she sent it in and found out later. The main problem is not the jail or paternity now.
It is whether or not I can trust her and whether or not she is being truthful when she says that they did not have sex for two years prior to conception. I need to know if anyone has experienced this and the OM and WW were not having sex during conception. I do not think he would come by unless he thought he was the father and that means that they did have intercourse during that period.
If she is not honest about it and claims that at the party and after while I was in jail she was not having intercourse with him then how can I trust her at all ever regardless of whether or not our child is mine. The second test was legit as far as I am concerned as I handled it myself. It was mail in buccal swab gloves and all. Is there a problem with those as I took care not to cross-contaminate the specimens? I had some training in Medical Lab Tech class with specimens and contamination and such so I am sure it was well handled.
Irregardless I am my daughter’s father. The concern is trust and truth and a real relationship predicated on honesty and forthrightness and total transparency which it would be hard to have if the entire truth is not told or if there is still form of deceit. Does anyone who has read this feel she is being completely honest and I just need to accept that? Or do I have cause to be leery?
Please let us know. If someone has seen this before with all the factors involved and there has been innocence besides just lying and no intercourse then let us know.I am aware of what i think and what others have said and do not see any who side with her and she still is adament that the sexual relationship with the OM had ended prior to us even becoming involved initially. for two years or near two years prior to our daughter's birth.
 

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Hello to the both of you. I'm sure you'll be getting some great advice shortly from others more experienced than myself. However, I must point out that the thing that stands out to me is the wife's deception. Hiding the nature of your relationship with this OM and then allowing him into your home to hold your child was, IMO, very disrespectful to your husband.

I wish you two the best of luck and hope that others can give you some solid advice.
 

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This is quite simple. You need to cut any ex-relationship partners or lovers out of your lives period. Him showing up to your place to see the baby IMO was beyond inappropriate. I don't care if he thought he was the father or not. Your wife allowing him to come see the baby and continuing to talk to him behind your back, or even at all, was beyond inapproriate, as well as her lying.

You 2 need to sit down and clearly set boundries for yourselves for what is and isn't acceptable regarding interactions with past lovers (as there should be none unless children are involved), the opposite sex, Girls/Boys nights out, etc. Your wife also doesn't need to be friends or hanging around men that are not you. Not with her track record of lying anyway.

And you should be leery. If she lied about that what else is she willing to lie about when it suits her needs? Why is she even hanging around/seeing the OM at events??? I'm not saying you can never trust her again or not to trust her (especially since it doesn't SOUND like she cheated on you) , but you need to be careful. She's already shown she's capable of lying when she feels it suits her, and when they do it once, it's easy for them to do it again.

Best of luck to both of you.
 
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The ex lover came over because he thought it could be his kid.
There is no other reason a man would put himself in the middle of the scenerio you describe.

Counseling for the two of you is totally worthless until your wife starts telling the truth.
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When the ex came to your home unannounced he was somewhat surprised to see you there. Why do you suppose that's so? Two possible reasons.

1.Someone told him you were out of the picture completely.

2. Someone told him you would not be home at that time of day.

Okay, according to the ex, the ex came across a previous coworker. Why did your wife's name come up? Was the previous coworker your w bff? If it was just chit-chat he wouldn't have bothered to visit right?

Maybe the ex wanted to see how old the baby was. He showed up principally for information - and maybe to do a little fishing.

Lady, IMO you are witholding some facts from your h or from the ex. Right?
 

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She would like for this issue to be laid to rest and my trust extended in her version of events.
Cheaters and liars always do. It makes their lives and continuing their deceptions so much easier for them. The people they lie to and screw over? Not so much.

The more I think about it the more I think your wife might still lying to you and ****ing you over.

edit: But I could be wrong
 

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you should have grabbed the guy by the collar and demanded to know why he was there, then told him never to return.

instead you invited him into your house. and you let him handle your child. i am unimpressed, and i don't even know you. imagine how your wife feels.
 

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OP, Talk to his gf. Did she arrange the b'day party? Is it a coincidence it happened during a bad time in your relationship?

Wife, did he ever ask to get back with you in these 2 years? Strange thing to do considering that he was the one that left you...
 

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When the ex came to your home unannounced he was somewhat surprised to see you there. Why do you suppose that's so? Two possible reasons.

1.Someone told him you were out of the picture completely.

2. Someone told him you would not be home at that time of day.

Okay, according to the ex, the ex came across a previous coworker. Why did your wife's name come up? Was the previous coworker your w bff? If it was just chit-chat he wouldn't have bothered to visit right?

Maybe the ex wanted to see how old the baby was. He showed up principally for information - and maybe to do a little fishing.

Lady, IMO you are witholding some facts from your h or from the ex. Right?
I'm with him..

Stop lying and fix your marriage or get out.. But keep adding lie upon lie upon lie.. It will ruin your husband and it will ruin anything you hope to have with him.

Just do what is right and take the verbal beating once and move on with the rest of your lives.. Either together or apart..

But be adult enough to just say what the fvck is going on..
 

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No more trickle truth, but transparency. Why would the OM visit?

No more saving face, or protecting the other spouse from "hurt". It does not work. Why would he visit?

No more lies, she lied about their relationship and maybe the duration of. Again I ask, why would he even visit AFTER the birth of the child?

No more nonsense and rumor. He visited from hear say alone?

As an outsider, the reasons sound ridiculous and the visit absurd. Sure it is great to show off your new born like some sort of lion king scene but to let rafiki (your wifes ex lover) proclaim him to his kingdom or worse to think the child is his.....I'd be appalled.

Either she connects the lines or yourself and the rest of us will be prone to arrogantly connecting the dots. Benefit of doubt is given but you're the only one that can FEEL your way around this.
 

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About a month after our daughter was born my wife’s ex lover came to see our daughter. When I answered the door the ex said he didn’t know I was home and had heard from a previous co-worker that my wife had just had the baby and he had come to see her.
She came to the door, he told her the same, she got our daughter and let him hold her. He held her for a few seconds and left.

He just showed up unexpectedly? Speaks to a very comfortable relationship with your wife.

I asked what that was about, my wife lied and said they were friends. The next day she told me they had sex a few times before we started dating. Trickle truth bites again.

(Husband)The problem is my wife says she did not have a sexual relationship with him since we were together from the first time which would be approximately two years prior to our daughter being born. She says that she does not know why he showed up. How did she react to his umm unexpected visit?

Some truths....
(Wife)Yes I did lie and it is wrong.
I knew what I did was wrong and went to him the next day with the truth.

The OM and I were more friends than anything else. No, once you have sex with someone you can't use the "just friends" line.

So, I didn't break up with him, when he got a girlfriend I stopped having sex with him and we remained friends and talked on the phone. Why? Is his gf aware of the sexual relationship?

My husband and most people on this site do feel i'm a liar, and I did lie in the past so why should he believe anything else I ever say. That's what happens when you lie, no one can trust when/if you are really being truthful. Trust, it's a fragile thing.
The OM f***ed up our lives and i don't know why. I find it difficult to believe that the ex would show up...unexpectedly. Especially when you haven't had a relationship for two years . . . Other than attending his surprise party and 1 phone call.

Does anyone who has read this feel she is being completely honest and I just need to accept that? Or do I have cause to be leery?
I understand why you would be leery.

....she still is adament that the sexual relationship with the OM had ended prior to us even becoming involved initially. for two years or near two years prior to our daughter's birth.
I really want to believe her, but she has lied, and then trickle truthed you. I have to agree with you and would seriously question his visit, and it would be cause for concern.

I would suggest that you ask the OM, but you don't know if he would tell the truth, or they may have spoken and got their story straight.

I don't think you will ever know the truth, the question then becomes...Can you put it to rest and move on? Or is this a deal breaker?
 

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I would think that the fact that your marriage, your family and your sanity are at stake here and that quite literally your entire life and future hang in the balance, that would be more than enough incentive to confront this man.

No offense to the wife here, but there is no phucking way I'm taking her word for anything. She admits to being a liar, This is way too fishy and the stakes are just too high. She lost benefit of the doubt and she should know that.
 

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I would think that the fact that your marriage, your family and your sanity are at stake here and that quite literally your entire life and future hang in the balance, that would be more than enough incentive to confront this man.

No offense to the wife here, but there is no phucking way I'm taking her word for anything. She admits to being a liar,This is way too fishy and the stakes are just too high. She lost benefit of the doubt and she should know that.
:iagree:
sniff I smell it from here! Time for some *honest* conversations. The truth, no matter how bad, is not nearly as bad as the mistrust from hiding the truth. Wife - search your heart. Let the truth pour out.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
you should have grabbed the guy by the collar and demanded to know why he was there, then told him never to return.

instead you invited him into your house. and you let him handle your child. i am unimpressed, and i don't even know you. imagine how your wife feels.
Raging I too am unimpressed with you or your unhelpful comments. I let him in to see what htis was about. I knew him but not of their relationship as they never spoke in my presence whiule we worked together. Secondarily how would it be helpful to attack someone merely because they arrive at your house and ask to see your wife. Is it not better to see what it it is about so that if needed appropiate action could be taken. To that end I was able to garner more info which proved unequivocally what it is that was transpiring. I always give people enough rope to hang themselves so to speak.

I was once very capable of the benewfit of the doubt. That capability sadly has left me. I did not let him handle my child he repeated what he said to me to her and she went to go get our child. Snatching away a two month old or fighting with her in the room would not have been helpful in the least. (Unimpressed indeed).

I do however agree that a beating is warranted however that is a feeling that would not have been actionable. Besides better to see how legit it is first and assess the situation. Thank you for your reply however unhelpful or unnecessary it may have been. It did allow me to see the ignorance of such actions as they would not have borne any fruit.

To everyone else thank you. Finding him is no problem as I have his info but have since found out that to confront him is at best useless as more lies will be told. It is my wife who has to answer. But if she does not I have enough info to locate and seek this individual out. I will be back as I am sure will she.
 

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Coming to "see the baby" would be more believable if he brought a nice gift. What did he bring the baby?

Nothing?

Thought so.
 

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He's not the one you need to be upset with, or at least who you should go after. It's your wife's lying that's the problem. At the end of the day he only has to answer to himself and to his girlfriend or any significant other. Believe me your wife isn't going to go the rest of her life without other men trying to get into her pants. Married or not.

Your wife is the one who needs to answer to you and your child. Forget the other man unless it's to keep your wife from having any contact with him. He's a scumbag but also a scapegoat for your wife's issues. Her lying is 100% on her unless he held a gun to her head and made her talk to him.
 

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He 100% came to see the baby to see if it had his features. No ifs ands or buts about it. You can deny it and block it out as much as you want but your wife is clearly lying about the extent of their relationship.

If the situation looks and smells suspicious, go with your gut, especially in matters like this.
 
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