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I agree with whoever said that OP's dislike of being groped is a symptom and not the problem. It sounds like an unhealthy relationship.

When I was with my ex and our relationship had reached full-on trainwreck status, I remember cringing away from him if he tried to touch me, too. It wasn't because I hated sex or hated being touched. It was because I didn't trust him, he scared me, and he treated me like crap. With my current man, believe me, his squeezes and gropes are welcomed, and actually I think I squeeze his butt first during hugs. But he's a good man and we have a fun and healthy relationship. Big difference.
 

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It depends, if he is showing his affection when you guys are private, and if you enjoy be physically intimacy, I say don’t discourage him but talk to him about how and when.

but man, reading so many “sexless marriages stories”, I think your situation is more on the positive side. :D

and yeah, tell your guy porn is porn, real life is real life. They are different. What works in porn doesn’t work in real life most of the time. LOL
 

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And with the OP is my guess. Unless you really think his actions are just arbitrary and capricious, and not a reaction.
I'm thinking OPs husband has no idea what respecting his wife's boundaries look like. I also think he lack complete emotional intelligence based on the following quotes:

I just want a simple hug if I ask for it. I just want to be held without an octopus all over me. Again my husband threatens divorce

Well he does this every time he hugs me. He didn't do it when we were first married. Even within a couple of years. It started more recently

I asked him why he wants to go down my pants or grabs my boobs. He says it is what man does and that my body is his because we are married
I am all for kissing and hugging, but why go down my pants?
I have asked for counseling but he says he isn't wrong
Maybe he could try listening to the OP once in a while.
 

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Please let your fourth husband know in advance that he can't touch your privates and you don't like sex. Be open and honest upfront. You shut down the sex store after just 5 years? This post is so common, its one of the main reasons I will never get married again.
 

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I'm thinking OPs husband has no idea what respecting his wife's boundaries look like. I also think he lack complete emotional intelligence based on the following quotes:













Maybe he could try listening to the OP once in a while.
Again, we are hearing a one sided account. My instinct tells me that there is plenty of not listening, and not respecting boundaries to go around.
 

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Again, we are hearing a one sided account. My instinct tells me that there is plenty of not listening, and not respecting boundaries to go around.
That is true of every thread that is posted on TAM. The best we can do is ask questions and provide feedback based on the information provided.

Of course, we can ignore what's written and provide feedback based on our own personal experiences which may or may not have any similarities to the OP. Those always make for interesting debates.
 

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It's not weird or gross to every woman. In fact, if a guy ran his finger down my cheek, I would find that weird. So we are quite different, like all people are.

And are you serious about watching Days of Our Lives to "get a clue"...?? A clue about what?
Romance in general. I mean, I guess if getting goosed while you do the dishes or you're stirring dinner is your thing.....it's not mine. I'd like a gentle touch, a little romance, a dance in the kitchen.
Ladies ... "Days" is fiction. It's not real.
IDK my guy did this stuff when he was wooing me. A little neck nibble while I was doing the dishes. A little kitchen dancing to our song. Those were the days. It made me feel desirable and treasured. I felt like a million bucks back then. If there was ant groping it came after that and it was nice, not shocking or startling. I guess there are women who prefer to get grabbed by the *****. I'm just not one of them.
 

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I know this is a sore subject but the reason I joined is because I wanted to find out if husbands believe Groping private parts is normal. I don't like it only because sex is on the brain. I just want a simple hug if I ask for it. I just want to be held without an octopus all over me. Again my husband threatens divorce. He said it's just what guys do. I feel like a piece of meat honestly. We have been married 5 years and we are in our 50s. I don't even know what to do anymore.
Once he knows you dislike it and continues to do it, he's crossing the line. And not every man gropes like that. I'm not married but I guess I've been really lucky because I've lived a really long life without having someone just disrespectfully grope me at inappropriate times. It's not only rude but once they know you don't like it, it's just plain stupid and indicates they like bothering you more than the thought of actually getting along with you and going about it that way.
 
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You'll have to explain that further why you call guys weirdos and gross if they grab some butt or rub some tit when hugging their W when alone together. Especially in a long term M.
I guess I like a warm up. Like, are you snuggling on the sofa and he goes in for the boob? Or is he being sudden and crass about it? Is he yanking at your pants before anything else? I'm not one to have my genitals grabbed at first. All of this said, I have been the aggressor for years and years and have gotten to know my not verbal husband's cues well. I know when he just wants a back scratch and a blow job so he can sleep good vs making love to me. If your wife prefers some tenderness first, give it to her. Lord knows when I get an ounce of that I'm instantly ready. Not that he would touch me with a ten foot pole these days.
 

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That is true of every thread that is posted on TAM. The best we can do is ask questions and provide feedback based on the information provided.

Of course, we can ignore what's written and provide feedback based on our own personal experiences which may or may not have any similarities to the OP. Those always make for interesting debates.
Agreed. But to make the feedback as accurate as possible, isn't it appropriate to take the story and make inferences? Or is the purpose to simply ready an OP uncritically and pile on the OP's partner?

For instance, the groping is very likely related to her decision to ration their sex life below his comfort level. If her descriptions of him are indicative of how she has handled those discussions with him, I can imagine heated talk from both with neither truly listening -- probably culminating in him escalating to threatening D in the heat of the moment. She does mention that he tries to gloss over those comments once there has been time to cool down.

Personally, my take is that neither of them have learned how to be a good spouse in their prior 2 marriages. They shouldn't have entered into a third together, and she might as well call his bluff then next time he threatens D.
 

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Romance in general. I mean, I guess if getting goosed while you do the dishes or you're stirring dinner is your thing.....it's not mine. I'd like a gentle touch, a little romance, a dance in the kitchen.
Oh, I definitely love gentle romantic touches. But what I really want is my guy's INTEREST and ATTENTION...so being annoyed or dismissive, or outright rejecting towards however HE gives that to me is counter-productive to getting what I really want. I would want to be enticing to him, and I wouldn't be that picky about how he shows that he's hot for me.

Besides, I'm not looking to be romanced all the time, or treated like a queen -- I love being playful and silly and flirty too.
And I used to giggle and sneakily rub my boobs on my STBX in the store (like on his arm), or in the kitchen when we weren't alone, or pinch his butt just to tease him...and then when he tried to grab me back I would twist away and laugh.

It was FUN and sexy, and a sign that things were great with us, and that we were into eachother. When things changed, that was one of the first things to go away.
 

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I think he would be happy with every day if he could. But he did tell me 3 times would make him happy. Regardless, I am not happy in the marriage if truth be told. He is a perfectionist and does absolutely no wrong in his eyes. I suggested marriage counseling because I know it takes 2 to make or break a marriage. Third marriage here. It is funny you should mention a roommate because I have felt like that for some time now. A roommate with benefits. More to the story and maybe that is why I have lost interest. But he always talks divorce when he doesn't like what I say or do. He will ignore me. Last time he ignored me was for 5 days and that is because I did not go shopping with him one day. He throws the word around so lightly that I feel so unstable and insecure.
You have to realize that you are at least part of the problem if this is number three and sinking like the Titanic.

You can't force change on others but you can absolutely work on yourself.

I advise you to do just that.

Mrs. Conan can't go a single day without being molested several times. I happen to be totally in love with her as well as attracted to her.

You are painting a very one sided picture that doesn't make a lot of sense.

Are you so incredibly inept that you keep marrying useless, aggressive and stupid men? If so, you are the problem as the assholes you married were probably assholes all along.
 

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Agreed. But to make the feedback as accurate as possible, isn't it appropriate to take the story and make inferences? Or is the purpose to simply ready an OP uncritically and pile on the OP's partner?
The problem with making inferences is that people fill in the gaps based on their biases. When there are too many inferences, what you get is a bunch of people projecting their personal story onto the OP's. For eg., Those in sexually unsatisfying relationships will project their dissatisfaction onto the OP. Those inferences may be on point but more often than not they are so far off the mark they might as well be a work of fiction. Another eg. Those who enjoy being groped or groping their spouse will vilify the OP for not liking what they like.

We're all guilty of projection. I have found it's best to stick to the data at hand and ask more questions to fill the gaps.

For instance, the groping is very likely related to her decision to ration their sex life below his comfort level. If her descriptions of him are indicative of how she has handled those discussions with him, I can imagine heated talk from both with neither truly listening -- probably culminating in him escalating to threatening D in the heat of the moment. She does mention that he tries to gloss over those comments once there has been time to cool down.
This is a good example of how inferences could make for interesting debate but not necessarily help the OP. What you read as rationing sex life below the OPs husband comfort level, I read as her compromising to 2 days a week. True, he's not getting everything he wants but then again, she's not either.

In my opinion, which is only shared by a small handful here, there is no amount of mental gymnastics to justify continuing to force undesirable behavior onto a partner. Regardless of what came before, the words "stop doing that, I don't like it" mean exactly that and, like it it not, should be respected. Continuing the behavior tells me that they don't give a **** about their partner or feel entitled to their body - neither one is good. Threatening divorce and silent treatments to get their way tells me this person is a selfish asshole (male or female).

Personally, my take is that neither of them have learned how to be a good spouse in their prior 2 marriages. They shouldn't have entered into a third together, and she might as well call his bluff then next time he threatens D..
Personally, I can't say whether or not OP has learned to be a good spouse but her picker is definitely broken. I do agree she should call his bluff, divorce, and spend time with a therapist to identify why she chooses such poor or incompatible partners.
 

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I would say when this happened to me, XBF would grab HARD without warning because he didn't care to temper his touch to what I found enjoyable and play it off as "playful." If it is painful, I can certainly understand not wanting the groping. Is it that it is without "warmup," or that he only shows you affection that way? Have you ever enjoyed this type of touch with someone else?
 

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I guess I like a warm up. Like, are you snuggling on the sofa and he goes in for the boob? Or is he being sudden and crass about it? Is he yanking at your pants before anything else? I'm not one to have my genitals grabbed at first. All of this said, I have been the aggressor for years and years and have gotten to know my not verbal husband's cues well. I know when he just wants a back scratch and a blow job so he can sleep good vs making love to me. If your wife prefers some tenderness first, give it to her. Lord knows when I get an ounce of that I'm instantly ready. Not that he would touch me with a ten foot pole these days.
You didn't notice I started out saying when hugging....
 

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The problem with making inferences is that people fill in the gaps based on their biases. When there are too many inferences, what you get is a bunch of people projecting their personal story onto the OP's. For eg., Those in sexually unsatisfying relationships will project their dissatisfaction onto the OP. Those inferences may be on point but more often than not they are so far off the mark they might as well be a work of fiction. Another eg. Those who enjoy being groped or groping their spouse will vilify the OP for not liking what they like.

We're all guilty of projection. I have found it's best to stick to the data at hand and ask more questions to fill the gaps.



This is a good example of how inferences could make for interesting debate but not necessarily help the OP. What you read as rationing sex life below the OPs husband comfort level, I read as her compromising to 2 days a week. True, he's not getting everything he wants but then again, she's not either.

In my opinion, which is only shared by a small handful here, there is no amount of mental gymnastics to justify continuing to force undesirable behavior onto a partner. Regardless of what came before, the words "stop doing that, I don't like it" mean exactly that and, like it it not, should be respected. Continuing the behavior tells me that they don't give a **** about their partner or feel entitled to their body - neither one is good. Threatening divorce and silent treatments to get their way tells me this person is a selfish asshole (male or female).



Personally, I can't say whether or not OP has learned to be a good spouse but her picker is definitely broken. I do agree she should call his bluff, divorce, and spend time with a therapist to identify why she chooses such poor or incompatible partners.
I've noticed that the times there is the most projection by other members are when an OP will be vague or change their story in a few posts, or write 1 or 2 posts and then never return.

With this OP, the situation she described in her first post changed a few times and she remained vague after she was asked to clarify a few things, and when posters do that and then don't return, I start to wonder how truthful they are being.
I could always be wrong, but without a poster who is engaging in the discussion and adding details, I am not going to give them much of the benefit of doubt.

As far as the frequency issue that she discussed, when someone says something like, "I think that's enough of a compromise"...they are missing how the basic principle of compromise actually works.
 

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To me this looks like the classic bait and switch by her. And he's pissed. Big surprise. This marriage is already done - the sooner he or she follows thru and ends it the better for both of them.
 

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I noticed my wife has been grabbing my ass a lot lately, especially after lunch. Her ass grabbing normally coincides with her initiating later in the evening. I love this.

However if I were to immediately grab her ass if she was say making a drink or something I think most of the time she would not like it, so I will ease into it and then she likes it until she realizes we’re in a full on grope/make out session in the middle of the work day. How scandalous! A professional doesn’t do that in the middle of the day. Then she’ll snap out of it, “ok ok I have work simmer down now!!!”
 
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