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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been with my husband for almost 5 years now and it has been a lot of struggle. Prior to our relationship, I was no stranger to sex. I am not saying I was sleeping around, I was in a committed relationship for 5 years. I guess what I mean is I have always been an extremely sexual person. I am one of the most open, sexually driven, down for anything women that I know. I met my husband in high school, and he had a reputation for being...quite the ladies man in that department.

When we first started dating I viewed things a lot differently than I do now. I used to be quite confident and secure in myself. Porn didn't bother me, in fact I was the person a lot of my friends went to when they were looking for something in particular. However, my husband wasn't into just any type of porn, he preferred to look at pictures of his exes that he kept. Needless to say, that is a little different than your average hot stranger on the internet. I asked him continually to stop because it was something extremely hurtful. It wasn't just impacting me emotionally, it was impacting our relationship sexually.

When we first started dating, he seemed legitimately interested in me...for the first couple of months. Since then it has been completely down hill. I love sex, I love trying new things, I love being adventurous and having fun with it. However, even though he had no issue having regular sex with his exes, he seems like he could care less about it with me. He turns down my advances, he doesn't even seem to get aroused by me. It sometimes takes quite some time for him to get aroused when we finally do have sex. Additionally, he isn't interested in doing anything but getting himself taken care of and then as soon as it began, it is over.

I have done enough research to earn a doctorate in the topic and I have tried every trick in the book to resolve the issue. Nothing seems to help and I feel like I am drowning. When we discuss it, he has no explanation. He has even gone to the doctor and everything checks out. So, it isn't a health issue. The longer it goes on, the worse that I feel. I blame myself more and more each day. It isn't as though I am an unattractive woman, but he makes me feel like I am.

Does anyone have any advice or have been through something similar? At this point, after years of trying and suffering I am open to trying anything.
 

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has it always been this way with him.

I am assuming he has premature ejaculation?

dose he give you forplay and oral and if not have you ask him why?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
has it always been this way with him.

I am assuming he has premature ejaculation?

dose he give you forplay and oral and if not have you ask him why?
It isn't premature, it is just more of a wham, bam, thank you m'am sort of thing. He hasn't always been like it, and he isn't always like this. It started around 6 months into the relationship, and steadily got worse. There will be a rare moment once or twice a year where he wants to be really intimate or try something a little different. However, it is a rare occasion. I thought that it might have just been due to a sexual preference, perhaps something that he enjoys that is a little odd. Which, I am completely fine with because everyone has their special thing. However, when we try to discuss his interests or what he would want ideally, he has no answer.

As far as foreplay, that would be a far, far away wish.
 

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Wait, something is missing here.

You wrote:
"When we first started dating, he seemed legitimately interested in me...for the first couple of months."
But you've been married for 5 years and yet is was only the first couple of months you dated that he seemed interested in you??

Was this a whirlwind romance and quick marriage and it has been downhill for five years?

If things started going down hill after a couple months are there other compelling reasons you married and have stayed married for 5 years?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Wait, something is missing here.

You wrote:
"When we first started dating, he seemed legitimately interested in me...for the first couple of months."
But you've been married for 5 years and yet is was only the first couple of months you dated that he seemed interested in you??

Was this a whirlwind romance and quick marriage and it has been downhill for five years?

If things started going down hill after a couple months are there other compelling reasons you married and have stayed married for 5 years?
We actually didn't get married until this past summer. We have been living together for the past 4 1/2 years. We got married because every other aspect of our relationship is fine. He is my best friend. Sex is an important part of a relationship, but it isn't the only aspect of it.
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At this point I would have to say it's him not you. If as you say he has been to the Dr. and everything checks out and he has no explanation then perhaps he does not think about sex frequently.

Have you tried to schedule sex with him?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
At this point I would have to say it's him not you. If as you say he has been to the Dr. and everything checks out and he has no explanation then perhaps he does not think about sex frequently.

Have you tried to schedule sex with him?
I have and nine times out of ten he makes an excuse to get out of it or just completely forgets.
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
What kind of excuses? What does he say specifically.

Has he been to see a sex therapist?
That he has a headache or will do it later after her plays a video game or something, but it never happens. As far as a sex therapist, I don't think that he would consider that. He isn't much on discussing things with strangers. Though I do wish it were an option.
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
As he has no explanation for his behavior is it not about time he/you got one?

Have you asked him to see a sex therapist?
I have and he said it would make him uncomfortable and to give him more time to change before we did that.

I certainly agree that it is time for an explanation. Even if he were to tell me he just wasn't that attracted to me, it would make me feel significantly better. I would much rather honesty than uncertainty.
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
To add to that, I not only want things to improve and be happier, but want him to be happy as well. If there is something he isn't telling me, then I can't fix it. Everyone deserves to feel comfortable and accepted
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So what kind of pics of his exes does he have?
Are they just run of the mill nudes, or action shots?
I'm trying to get a feel if maybe he's into something sexual that he's not comfortable telling you about.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
So what kind of pics of his exes does he have?
Are they just run of the mill nudes, or action shots?
I'm trying to get a feel if maybe he's into something sexual that he's not comfortable telling you about.
Just your standard nude pictures. I thought that perhaps it was a preference to have a visual aid, so over the years I have provided him with a variety of pictures (some of the best I have ever taken) but he isn't interested in them. He says I am here, and if he wanted to see me doing that he would just turn around and ask for it. Which he never has.
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Just your standard nude pictures. I thought that perhaps it was a preference to have a visual aid, so over the years I have provided him with a variety of pictures (some of the best I have ever taken) but he isn't interested in them. He says I am here, and if he wanted to see me doing that he would just turn around and ask for it. Which he never has.
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Okay, that has me thinking that this could be about those particular women.
Has he ever given you the impression he's hung on on any of his exes?
And is he still using the pics as an aid?
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Okay, that has me thinking that this could be about those particular women.
Has he ever given you the impression he's hung on on any of his exes?
And is he still using the pics as an aid?
As far as I know he isn't any longer. But, he isn't the most open or honest person either. I would like to think he isn't since he deleted them a year or so ago after an honest talk about it. Of course, I didn't actually watch him delete it, so it could always be somewhere on a flash drive or something.

He has never mentioned being hung up on an ex, but ...I mean why would he? That would be against his hide everything and deny everything code =p

In all seriousness, it could be but I have never seriously suspected it. I would honestly hope not. But as I said before, I would prefer he told me so we could resolve things. If he were unhappy or somewhere else emotionally I would do what I could to accommodate it. His happiness with or without me is all that matters. It would hurt, but it would be better than not knowing.

I don't think that is it though.
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If he's not having sex with you, is he doing it by himself?
If he's not even doing that, maybe he has some ED issues that he's too embarrassed to talk to you about it.
Have you spoke to him about it?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
If he's not having sex with you, is he doing it by himself?
If he's not even doing that, maybe he has some ED issues that he's too embarrassed to talk to you about it.
Have you spoke to him about it?
I have spoken to him about it, and he does take care of his needs. I have always tried to make sure when it came to that we had an open environment about it, because everyone does it. I have never had any sort of issue with that as long as you are honest and it doesn't affect our sex life. However, it is beginning to become an issue with my confidence level because it has taken a toll on our sex life. I won't throw a fit about it or start a fight about it because it is normal, not obsessive, and will get no couple anywhere besides forcing them into hiding it and creating a hostile environment. but I have discussed it with him calmly explaining how without the sex, it is hurtful to me because I feel like he would rather that. All that accomplished though was him getting up in the middle of the night to do it occasionally because he thinks I don't notice. I have been incredibly understanding and open, yet it has gotten me no where.
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1. Does & can masturbate.
2. Doesn't view porn...that you know of.
3. Turns down wife.
4. No ED.

Other than the sex, what's your marriage like?
Do you think it's possible he could be having an affair?
Not jumping to conclusions here, but with the things considered, he appears to be a healthy male, who is not having sex with his wife for no apparent reason.
 
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