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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I've been married to my wife for 16 years, I've literally given her nearly half my adult life with me in my late 30's. we have two children. I'm not perfect, I've can be short at times and I tend to yell back when I am yelled at. I've never cheated on my wife, never so much as held the hand of another woman since the day I asked her on our first date.

I'm no prize catch, but I'm attractive enough to have dated my share of cheerleaders and attractive women. I've even had several women during my marriage make it clear that they were interested in me, and even at my lowest point i never caved. A few years ago my wife walked into my home office and told me she wanted to go stay with her mother for a while. We have always had what I consider to be a rocky relationship.

she has serious mental issues (she is treated for the issues, I'm not speculating or being mean with that statement) combined with a lack of desire and drive to do anything other than be taken care of (at least from my perspective.)

Anyway, she tells me about three years ago she is unsure about our relationship and wants to go to her moms. the strange thing for me was that this happened at what I thought was the best time in our relationship. She was getting out of the house and being a part of my life, which was something she hadn't done. i was before this point basically alone in anything I did outside the home, unless our kids were with me.

We were hanging out with friends together and i finally thought she was turning back into that fun and happy woman i fell in love with. As it turns out she had been "talking to" the brother of our friend behind my back. After pressing her for an answer on why she wanted to leave, she admitted that she had been texting him and talking with him behind my back.

She admits that they talked about sex and what it would be like to be together, but swears they never kissed or had sex. she says they just talked. She did admit that she had gone to his house to talk, i feel you don't go to another mans house to talk and i voiced that opinion. i found out from our mutual friend that my wife had gone to her brothers apartment and that she had called my wife, while the wife was trying to get her brother to open the door and let her in, to see what my wife was doing and why she was at her brothers apartment.

our friend claims that her brother says they never did anything. Her brother is a known womanizer though and has had six divorces with more than one due to infidelity. I don't believe her, i always got the idea that there was more too it. I made the mistake of telling her to come clean with me one night, she denied again that she had done anything physical with him. i told her that if i found out later she was lying I was divorcing her, so now there is no way I will ever get the truth.

after she admitted to the emotional cheating we saw a counselor in part because she insisted that i was being controlling and overbearing by asking her who she was texting and wanting to look at Facebook where they did some of their talking. she deleted every message she made with him, so she had to be hiding more than she said in my opinion. if she had told me all, i don't see why she would have felt the need to delete messages that could have only proven what she claims to be true. she went in thinking the counselor would tell me i was being unreasonable and didn't respond well when it did'nt work out that way.

After going to the counselor a few times, our relationship was a better. we were having sex, which is something we so rarely did it is humiliating. At one point we went 5 years without sex, and not because I didn't want to or try to. It's been three years now since we had sex FWIW. Her reasons for not wanting sex with me was that "she was dead down there" and "never wanted it", yet she admitted to talking to another man about sex so she had to want it. Why talk to someone about something like that you aren't interested in?

She promised me in the counseling sessions that things would change and she would change. she swore we wouldn't go years without having sex again. For about a month she was the woman i used to know asking me if we could have sex, and we did it almost daily.

one day i walked in our room unexpectedly and she was texting. the look on her face made me feel like she was texting him again so I asked what she was doing and who she was talking to. she blew up at me and told me she thought we were passed that now and that I had "ruined it." we havnet had sex since that day.

Sex isn't all I want from my wife, I think having been married to a woman for 16 years and being able to (literally) count each time we have had sex on my fingers and toes during that time proves I'm not only after her vagina. I've never cheated on her with anyone else.

despite that fact, she routinely treats me like i am cheating on her. i cant browse facebook or get a text without her asking who it is. if i say its one of my car club friends she blows up and demands to know the name, whether its a woman or not and what we are specifically talking about "because i ask her those same things". i think sometimes she knows how badly she acts and how broken our relationship is and expects that I am cheating on her and is just trying to "catch me" in her mind.

I'm so unhappy, all she does is complain about pain, suffering, and how much help she needs. I work 8-10 hours a day, even thought I work from home, while she has a part time job requiring her to work from home four hours a day max. she refuses to do it most days and only puts in 40-50 hours a month on a good month. she blames pain, or depression, or inability to concentrate. she says she just cant sit in from of the computer all day at her desk, yet she will sit in the recliner in front of the tv with her laptop on her knees online shopping and talking about clothes on the same day she is far to sick or hurting to work.

i tell her she can do all her work right from the same spot and offer to set it all up for her, and she refuses. she always has some excuse, it reminds me of my brother who was a drug addict and his constant justification of the way he acted. just today she called me downstairs and told be she just couldn't work anymore, she was too sick all the time. She had her laptop on her lap shopping for clothes again when she said it.

i just don't know what to do. she takes the kids to school in the morning, i pick them up from school every day. i do all the homework with them, i cook all their meals, i wash 95% of the clothes, I do 95% of the cleaning, all while working 10-12 hours a day and she needs help and cant handle the stress? she wont even get up to get her own drinks or medicine when i am in the room with her, she makes me do it.

i make a good living and while I am the one doing most of the work and taking care of most of the houshold items and our kids, somehow when we have extra money each month there is always some reason I can't have any to do things i like to do.

She calls me on her phone from downstairs in our own house while I am working in my upstairs office 6-10 times per day. she yells at me from downstairs to come out and "talk to her" at least 3 times a day in addition to that and often in addition to all that she texts me 5-6 times per day all from within 20 feet of where I am trying to support our family.

it's always the same things she talks about, pain, suffering, clothes, the shopping she wants to do, how someone on facebook slighted her or how so and so is a jerk for not responding to her texts fast enough. always about her. Yet she jumps on me several times a month about not being there for her, not talking to her enough and not giving her enough attention, not cuddling with her enough. I'm doing it all, what more can I give this woman?

i had a counselor tell me once that i was in an abusive relationship, i didn't believe her at the time. the counselor asked me why i didn't just leave. I'm not afraid to be without her, I am afraid of what she would do if i left. she has told me before that she would kill herself if she ever lost me. she spun it not like a threat, but as a "without you I don't know what I would do" but the message was clear. if you leave ill hurt myself, she admits to trying to kill her self as a teen with a "handful of Tylenol". i couldn't live with myself if i had to tell our kids that they would never see mommy again and all i had to do was stay.

I'm sorry this is so rambling. I've got no one to talk to. My wife wont go to counseling with me, she says she isn't the one with issues or we don't have the money to go to counseling. the last time she said that I reminded her that while i didn't have any extra money left, she had several hundred dollars that was "hers" and that would pay for the first sessions until i could figure out how to pay for it ongoing. i even offered to use "my" extra money when i had it to pay her back.

she said she wasn't using "her money" for counseling. I asked her if having that money and buying clothes was worth more than our marriage, and she told me i was putting too much pressure on her and this was "not the right time" for me to do this to her she had too much going on and too much stress in her life. she has no real responsibility.

I don't know what to do. I want to be happy, I'm not. I want my kids to be happy, and my wife treats them (to a much, much lesser extent) much the way she treats me. i don't want to look back when I am 60 and have a life of sadness and loneliness to remember. I also don't want to look back when I am 60 and think if i had just tried harder, the mother of my children would still be alive.
 

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U U,

It sucks. It sucks more than anyone ever knows until they go through this stuff.

Short answer, take care of yourself and prepare for your journey. I am getting married for a second time this Saturday after a very similar issue a couple of years ago with my ex.

Read. Exercise. Talk to people that are "safe" and people that may have had this happen to them in the past.

This board is one of the best resources. I think it is amazing how often your story is told. Lived it myself. You can end up better in the long run if you can make it through this initial Hell.

Best wishes!
 

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Well there's two sides-excuse me three sides really to every story. His, hers and then the truth is somewhere in the middle. But from what you write I get the feeling your side is pretty accurate. You write a very good description of what has been going on in your life last 16 years.
why do you stay? it isn't really cheaper to keep her. I think she is guilty of doing much more than she says she did. Like you said she got busy hitting the delete button on face book. BUT I HAVE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU. YOU CAN GET ALL HER FACEBOOK CHATS AND EMAILS DOWNLOADED AND A EMAIL SENT TO YOU WHEN THE DOWNLOAD IS READY. How do you do this. Well first you have to get into her facebook account. Insist she let you in to take a peek. send her clothes shopping and in the account settings page of her account you'll see where you can deactivate her FB account (don't do that) but under that it says "get a download of your FB history sent to your email" or something close to that. you need to change her email to your email. also make sure to disable the alert that tells her her email associated with her FB account has been changed. You should change her recovery phone number too. If you have facebook yourself and you use the same email n phone number it won't let you make those changes.
I did what you are wanting to do and I got into my husbands FB account. got the download and was sick at what I read! So be sure you really want to know the truth. Good luck. I'm rootin for ya!
 

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One more thing...start reading about borderline personality disorder. It might open your eyes and give you the understanding that SHE is the problem, not you.

There are some wonderful women who would love you in a healthy way. Once you go through this crisis, get yourself together, and seek out someone that deserves you.

Food for thought.

As for now, let it sink in. Breath. Protect yourself. Allow yourself to feel your pain, but control your actions. Don't get caught acting in any way that can be used against you.
 

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This sounds very much like an abusive relationship. You've been in it so long that you don't know what healthy is anymore; you just know what misery is.

Please, get some counseling just for yourself. Please do this for you. You can't stay stuck where you are forever because you are afraid of what your wife will do.

Please reach out and get help. 16 years is long enough.
 
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