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This is a recurring family issue that just puts everybody in a bad position...

My brother is an angry person, mostly at himself but he takes it out on everyone else. He's always got the need to manipulate situations for control and/or attention. About every 7-10 months or so, one of his adult tantrums (he's too cowardly to be truly violent... that I know) is focused on my husband and I, mostly my husband bc its a male/jealousy/can't take it out on the little sister thing.--Yes, he has more tantrums but he directs them elsewhere too.

He and I have a long history of not getting along, mostly him towards me-I'm generally non-confrontational. He's 9 yrs older and it took me until post-college to recognize the emotionally abusive cycle. He would get angry about something, then he would later play the protector, fun big brother role to make up for it. He can really switch on the lughead charm.

I tried to cut him out, especially after making death threats toward my husband some 7 yrs ago. I refused to talk to him or be in the same place... including family holidays. He enjoys that, he shows up wherever he wants unashamed of his behavior, and while I only refuse to act like everything's ok, he spreads it out as though I'm stuck up and I don't want to be a part of the family, that I don't care enough to be around and he does (which is easy enough when you don't have a job tying up your time)

Unfortunately this doesnt work because it's not just him and me. In the middle are my parents and my 2 nephews and niece (now 8,9, 10) who stay with them. I love my parents and the kids very much and I love to spend time with them. However, my parents refuse to be the types that give up on their child or to refuse family from their home. They have also relied on my brother for babysitting, as they both work.

So the new cycle is that when things are calm, we see my family more often, we get more involved in the kids lives (we're the only ones that they can have conversations with. They've got a lot of issues stemming from their mother and foster care, and my parents aren't the greatest at communicating/expressing feeling) We start developing a better relationship, and he gets jealous. Meanwhile, his relationship with them is deteriorating bc they're getting older and recognizing his anger and the oldest is beginning to ask about his drug use (he's been a pothead for yrs) So he finds something to be mad about, throws a tantrum so we don't come around as much, and therefore gets to strut around my parents house (we all don't live far from each other, them especially) claiming that we're never around, we don't know how to raise kids, we dont care as much about the family.

This last time, after we had the kids overnight and talked with them a bunch, he takes one thing out of the conversations that WE said and then gives my parents an earful, then sends my husband a text that there's a new rule, he's not allowed to be by the kids by himself, and that he better stay away for his own safety.

Of course I talked w my dad (the peacemaker) that this is a cycle, and that I know he can't control his 37 yr old, but that when this happens, I don't feel welcome at his home and can't come over. He knows my brother's an *******, but refuses to become "that parent"

So, we are all at a loss of what to do about my brother while still retaining a sense of dignity...:scratchhead:

Any advice? What would you do? Have you had a situation like mine?:confused:
 

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At age 37, there is no chance he's going to change. The best you can do is limit your interaction with him. If your parents are OK with your husband seeing the kids, then he should see them. If your brother doesn't like it, have him address it with your father.
 
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