Unmotivated wife.

yashua said:

I'm new here and didn't know where to post. I am 41,and she is 41. been married for 19 years. Have 4 children, 1 step child who is in prison for drugs, 1 child whom we took in as adopted, but who is really a friends child, and two of my own children from our marriage. I met my wife when I was 21, I didn't know she even had a child until six months later. We had my first son at 24. Married at 30. She spent a month in a behavioral clinic (against her will), then another two weeks later on in there of her own free will. She has about 5 assault charges against me. Domestic abuse. I have 1 charge against me "interfering with a 911 call" because I took the phone from her one night so she would stop calling 911 every time something went wrong. She had a one night stand with my long time friend two years ago, and since that time has lost her job, been arrested 3 times. Done drugs with her daughter, abandoned her family for a month with no indication where she was to anybody, does not think she needs a job to help me out, and is a lousy homemaker. She did not used to be this way, but ever since her infidelity she has. She blames me for all of her problems. Her own mother has offered to help me pay for a divorce, but I always thought that you should stand by your vows. I am a musician. I pay all of our bills, she contributes nothing to helping out financially. When she does do housework it is half-assed. She was diagnosed with high anxiety disorder, (which I think is BS) She has hit me in front of my 17 year old son, only yo have her own son defend me. She has wrecked our home a few times out of anger, and I am just fed up with her BS. Any advice?

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Yashua

You are in a tough situation.

It sounds like your wife needs to be committed so she can get specialized counselling.

Get an attorney to look at your case to see if you can get your wife committed to a mental health facility.

Good Luck

HM64

yashua said:

She has hit me in front of my 17 year old son... She has wrecked our home a few times out of anger.

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Yashua, there is a strong relationship between spousal battering and personality disorders (PDs). A 1993 Canadian study, for example, found that nearly all the spouse batterers had a full blown PD and half of them suffered from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Roger Melton summarizes these study results at Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net. I therefore suggest you read my brief description of BPD traits to see if most sound very familiar. My post is in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522.

I caution that PDs do not lie hidden for years at a time and then surface in the last few years of a marriage. Typically, a PD is hidden only for 3 to 6 months during the infatuation period of courtship. Then you will start seeing the red flags. I therefore ask whether you saw red flags starting right after your marriage and continuing, perhaps every two or three weeks, throughout your marriage?

She was diagnosed with high anxiety disorder, (which I think is BS)

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If you want to know what disorder she likely is suffering from, it would be prudent to see your own psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your son are dealing with. It is commonly known -- both within and outside the psychiatric profession -- that therapists are loath to tell a client that she has a PD even when that PD is full blown.

They often withhold the name of the disorder -- particularly from the vast majority of PD sufferers who are high functioning -- for the clients' own protection. For an explanation of why this information is withheld from clients and their spouses, please see my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-official-im-getting-divorced.html#post811909. Relying on the advice of your W's therapist during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on the advice of her attorney during a divorce. It is important that you see a psychologist who is ethically bound to protect YOUR interests, not hers. Take care, Yashua.

Uptown said:

Yashua, there is a strong relationship between spousal battering and personality disorders (PDs). A 1993 Canadian study, for example, found that nearly all the spouse batterers had a full blown PD and half of them suffered from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Roger Melton summarizes these study results at Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net. I therefore suggest you read my brief description of BPD traits to see if most sound very familiar. My post is in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522.

I caution that PDs do not lie hidden for years at a time and then surface in the last few years of a marriage. Typically, a PD is hidden only for 3 to 6 months during the infatuation period of courtship. Then you will start seeing the red flags. I therefore ask whether you saw red flags starting right after your marriage and continuing, perhaps every two or three weeks, throughout your marriage?If you want to know what disorder she likely is suffering from, it would be prudent to see your own psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your son are dealing with. It is commonly known -- both within and outside the psychiatric profession -- that therapists are loath to tell a client that she has a PD even when that PD is full blown.

They often withhold the name of the disorder -- particularly from the vast majority of PD sufferers who are high functioning -- for the clients' own protection. For an explanation of why this information is withheld from clients and their spouses, please see my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-official-im-getting-divorced.html#post811909. Relying on the advice of your W's therapist during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on the advice of her attorney during a divorce. It is important that you see a psychologist who is ethically bound to protect YOUR interests, not hers. Take care, Yashua.

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Thanks for the reply.
I don't have insurance of any kind so I had to rely on a "Doctor" so to speak. The system (Here in Texas) is so much of a farce. Basically If your thinking of killing yourself, or a harm to others then they might could help you. I am also sure that I enable this behavior, but then again I don't know what else to do. After we were married we went to church faithfully, and everything was really wonderful. We both worked, and took care of our family just fine. My step-daughter is a big problem in the picture because my wife would tolerate her doing's, but I would not tolerate it. She moved out at 14 because I said that I would not tolerate her boyfriend living in our home with my six year old son. So both of us basically gave her a choice. Live by our rules, or let you boyfriend take care of you, but not here. Her boyfriend is a good man, He takes care of his, and her son, and her daughter which is not his, but decided to give her his last name so that she would have a father. She does not know who the daddy is because she was on dope, and has no idea who she slept with. My wife has enabled her daughter for reasons of felling sorry for her,or regret. I'm not sure. I just wish that I could receive some kind of therapy for the both of us, but the money is a big issue since I am the only one to pay our bills. I really cannot afford a therapist. I agree with you 100% that BP people are great at hiding their disorder, and your second point is right on the money. If I mention BP, she gets irate, and defensive, and say's "You just think I'm crazy." Which is correct. "Normal" people have a job, discuss things, get into arguments, but always should manage to correct what is not going right in their lives. There should be no hitting me, slapping me, spitting in my face, destroying things that mean something to you, or any violent action because you disagree with what I have said to you.
Thank you for the information you have provided. I hope we can talk soon again, but I am restrained at what I do, because of Her. Thank you.

Try, "Unmotivated Husband". And you haven't up and left her before now because......??? Someone used the word toxic. That is the best and only way to describe this situation. But you know, you knew what this woman was about before you married her. You didn't know she had a child for 6 months after you met her? Please. Any guy who I know for at least 6 months knows I have a hangnail on my left big toe and used to have a gold fish named Fluffy.

If this situation keeps up you'll be behind bars very soon due to her antics. I know you have children but I'd rather visit my dad in a safe and happy environment instead of getting a pat down by security guards every other Sunday afternoon.

What was her diagnosis when she was in the hospital? Is she on any medication?

I know you love her but like you said -- this is not the person you married. There are many people who marry one person and separate/divorce another.

Get motivated yourself and seek a safe place. And get custody of those kids!