Unintentionally set off a trigger for BH

5246 Views 30 Replies 17 Participants Last post by TCSRedhead, Nov 30, 2012

TCSRedhead

Discussion Starter · Nov 14, 2012

Having had a baby four months ago, I've been back at the gym for two months to get back in shape for my health (I have only 1 kidney so no wiggle room for any health issues that can be caused by extra weight).

Now that I've lost most of the baby weight, hubby was saying last night that it worries him to see me back where I was physically and that it worries him that I'll seek out validation from someone else (what led to my EA). I can tell by his mood for the rest of the night, this was definitely bothering him.

What would you as BS' want from the WS in this case? I am definitely open to suggestions on this. I'm making sure I check in a lot more frequently, I send him a copy of my meeting schedule every day, text him during the day.

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1 - 20 of 31 Posts

gdtm0111

· #2 · Nov 14, 2012

First I would be happy to see my WS back to pre-baby weight, however for some women I guess that just doesn't happen.

Second being transparent is a good start. I would want my W to be more reassuring. In my case, she has agreed (after talking to her IC) that we really need to see a MC.

Good luck!

Racer

· #3 · Nov 14, 2012

Honestly there is no way to “win”. If you kept the weight, he’d trigger that the OM got the hardbody and he got the muffintop. I’d take the hardbody any day. Thing about triggers is that they will pass. Just keep to the “I’m so sorry those thoughts have to go through your mind. I’m sorry I created this mess.” (Then let him play with your engorged breast)

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Will_Kane

· #4 · Nov 14, 2012

I would rather see my wife getting back in shape at home
There is no need to go to a gym to lose weight or to get in shape or to stay in shape.
Posted via Mobile Device

TCSRedhead

Discussion Starter · #5 · Nov 14, 2012

Will_Kane said:
I would rather see my wife getting back in shape at home
There is no need to go to a gym to lose weight or to get in shape or to stay in shape.
Posted via Mobile Device

Hmm... I'm not sure if it's the 'where' that's bothering him or just the outcome but maybe that's a contributor. I'll ask - maybe that would help.

TCSRedhead

Discussion Starter · #6 · Nov 14, 2012

gdtm0111 said:
First I would be happy to see my WS back to pre-baby weight, however for some women I guess that just doesn't happen.

Second being transparent is a good start. I would want my W to be more reassuring. In my case, she has agreed (after talking to her IC) that we really need to see a MC.

Good luck!

Thank you - we are in MC and it really is helping overall. I'll definitely put some more efforts in to reassuring him also.

Ovid

· #7 · Nov 14, 2012

I'm sure where and outcome are both triggers on some level. He may not be fully aware which.

You might try sexting him. Let him see that you've gotten into shape but now you're using it to please him, and that your attention is focused on him. Give him a reason to see it as a bonus.

daggeredheart

· #8 · Nov 14, 2012

Can he go to the gym with you and get in shape (if he needs it?)--

Now in all honesty, have you had a problem with getting validation from others? Do you seek external ego lifting or do you feel pretty confident in yourself and rely on that for personal pride?

He might be feeling like he "can't" give you that validation if your tendency is to seek it from others.

Marriage issues are interpersonal and cause a marriage to be vulnerable but the actual engaging of a affair is really about personal responsibility (which you already know)-- usually there is a personal issue which really needs to be uncovered. We tend to find changes to significant aspects of our personality, such as responsibility, growth, respect, or overall maturity, very difficult to complete.

The losing weight is a surface trigger for him, what I suspect is he really wants to see the same dedication to exposing the core of your vulnerability and commitment to addressing and repairing that issue as much as you do losing weight.

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TCSRedhead

Discussion Starter · #9 · Nov 14, 2012

daggeredheart said:
Can he go to the gym with you and get in shape (if he needs it?)--

Now in all honesty, have you had a problem with getting validation from others? Do you seek external ego lifting or do you feel pretty confident in yourself and rely on that for personal pride?

He might be feeling like he "can't" give you that validation if your tendency is to seek it from others.

Marriage issues are interpersonal and cause a marriage to be vulnerable but the actual engaging of a affair is really about personal responsibility (which you already know)-- usually there is a personal issue which really needs to be uncovered. We tend to find changes to significant aspects of our personality, such as responsibility, growth, respect, or overall maturity, very difficult to complete.

The losing weight is a surface trigger for him, what I suspect is he really wants to see the same dedication to exposing the core of your vulnerability and commitment to addressing and repairing that issue as much as you do losing weight.

He's in decent shape but keeps talking about going to the gym. I'm trying to get him to go with me.

I think you hit the nail on the head about the vulnerability though. I will have to bring this up later and see what he says.

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tom67

· #10 · Nov 14, 2012

TCSRedhead said:
He's in decent shape but keeps talking about going to the gym. I'm trying to get him to go with me.

I think you hit the nail on the head about the vulnerability though. I will have to bring this up later and see what he says.

Good idea encourage him to go with you. I feel so much better hitting the free weights after work

canttrustu

· #11 · Nov 14, 2012

Tcs- I just wanted to compliment your head on approach to this. You dont sit around and wait for your BH to tell you what to do- you go out and seek it. Good on you! Keep it up.

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CH

· #12 · Nov 14, 2012

Should have rocked his world to put his mind at ease

Honey, this is all for you!

Did we have a small earthquake last night?

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canttrustu

· #13 · Nov 14, 2012

canttrustu said:
Tcs- I just wanted to compliment your head on approach to this. You dont sit around and wait for your BH to tell you what to do- you go out and seek it. Good on you! Keep it up.

a very female way of doing things.

TCSRedhead

Discussion Starter · #14 · Nov 14, 2012

canttrustu said:
Tcs- I just wanted to compliment your head on approach to this. You dont sit around and wait for your BH to tell you what to do- you go out and seek it. Good on you! Keep it up.

Thank you - I was passive and inactive in this process far too long which only made things SOOO much worse. I also did a lot more damage by being horrible when everything came out so I know there is a lot to be fixed and I don't want to put more work on him. I have days where I wonder why he stuck it out during that time.

CH - yes, I definitely make sure to keep his world rocking - LOL!

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Racer

· #15 · Nov 14, 2012

tom67 said:
Good idea encourage him to go with you. I feel so much better hitting the free weights after work

You know... One of my best memories of my time during the initial stages of our R had to do with exercise. I couldn’t look into my wife’s eyes back then. She was a liar, TT’ing, and a general nasty person. Any words seemed to lead to an argument.

Enter the kid’s Wii and “The Biggest Loser” game. No words, no thoughts, just side by side doing the workouts. At those times, I could put the affairs and the spiraling thoughts aside and ‘beat her’ at that silly competition pushing myself to my limits. It helped me feel better about myself when I looked in the mirror. It gave us something ‘non-confrontational’ to do together and complement each other on... Just us, sweating and doing god-awful lunges all night.

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Juicer

· #16 · Nov 14, 2012

JnaiceJade1 said:
he is having some self esteem issues himself..........

No he isn't.

It is a trigger. And she should take his feelings into account.

Maybe try running around the neighborhood, instead of going to the gym. Try to find ways to not trigger him. They aren't pleasant.

TCSRedhead

Discussion Starter · #17 · Nov 14, 2012

Juicer said:
No he isn't.

It is a trigger. And she should take his feelings into account.

Maybe try running around the neighborhood, instead of going to the gym. Try to find ways to not trigger him. They aren't pleasant.

You are right, it is a trigger and that's why I'm looking for some insight.

I'll talk to him tonight to see what the pieces are that are causing this. I'm not sure it's the gym itself but more the fact that I'm getting back into shape but I'll find out. The last thing I want to do is make this any more difficult for him.

Stonewall

· #18 · Nov 14, 2012

It depends on his personality red. For my personality I would need a lot of affection but not just any affection it has to come with a sweet disposition. I am very gun shy and need that anyway. I don't think most guys are that way and don't know why I am either. But it is the only thing that keeps me stable. any lack of that and I get in panic mode. I hate it but can't seem to stop it. I think he would have to be a touchy feely guy for that to apply though.

Gabriel

· #19 · Nov 14, 2012

cheatinghubby said:
Should have rocked his world to put his mind at ease

Honey, this is all for you!

Did we have a small earthquake last night?

That was exactly what I was going to say.

Reactions: 1

TCSRedhead

Discussion Starter · #20 · Nov 14, 2012

Stonewall said:
It depends on his personality red. For my personality I would need a lot of affection but not just any affection it has to come with a sweet disposition. I am very gun shy and need that anyway. I don't think most guys are that way and don't know why I am either. But it is the only thing that keeps me stable. any lack of that and I get in panic mode. I hate it but can't seem to stop it. I think he would have to be a touchy feely guy for that to apply though.

Hubby is definitely not a touchy/feely guy. For him, he's only comfortable with touch in a sexual context.

And for those suggesting I jump his bones - not to worry, he's getting a lot of that.

It just set my mind to spinning a bit when he made the comment about seeking validation so I want to get ahead of this before it becomes a bigger issue or repeats. I hate to see that look in his eyes.

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