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I agree with you. This is why this is so bothering. I look at my husband and I think he is a really great guy. Aside from being short (which I put aside as purely material and something I shouldn't concern myself with) - he is really great, super loving (he stays in touch with me when he is at work during his breaks), not doing do any of those bad things that would stress me out (like cheating or going out drinking and returning in the wee hours of the morning) - he helps around the house- took care of us for 4 years after my son was born without placing any financial limitations on me etc. He is a nice guy, hence I cannot figure what is my problem. But depression may be it. What do you mean IC. Sorry but not familiar with clinical terms, I rarely visit the doctor... I go only when I am in dire straights.
IC = Individual Counseling

That's always a good place to start with issues you described. But I would also see a doctor since they can deal with possible depression. And this is dire straights in my opinion.
 

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Marriage counselling has crossed my mind but then that would mean having to come clean to my husband and say how I really feel. Then he will be hurt and sad. So I dismissed it. My husband has no idea how I feel. He thinks I go to bed late because after working I have to clean up the house because I detest nastiness. He thinks I am a compulsive house cleaner - all of which are partly true.
It's a good idea to come clean with your husband anyway.
If you want anything at all to change you will have too.

It will be much harder for him to get divorce papers from you and never having the chance to change and make things better.

Talk to him, come clean with him. If he pushes back and turns into an a$$ then you know and can act accordingly. But from the way you describe him I wonder if he won't try to help make things better, including MC.
 

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I agree with you. This is why this is so bothering. I look at my husband and I think he is a really great guy. Aside from being short (which I put aside as purely material and something I shouldn't concern myself with) - he is really great, super loving (he stays in touch with me when he is at work during his breaks), not doing do any of those bad things that would stress me out (like cheating or going out drinking and returning in the wee hours of the morning) - he helps around the house- took care of us for 4 years after my son was born without placing any financial limitations on me etc. He is a nice guy, hence I cannot figure what is my problem. But depression may be it. What do you mean IC. Sorry but not familiar with clinical terms, I rarely visit the doctor... I go only when I am in dire straights.
Can you describe what the men in your prior relationships were like were they very different than your husband?

Perhaps you you see your husband as a husband and father and provider, but not as a lover and as a result you H suffers in your mind when you contrast him with your prior relationships.

You certainly are not alone in feeling lukewarm about your H.
 

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Oh, never heard of a sort of mid life crisis for women. However, it crossed my mind, then I said I am not forty as yet - perhaps not possible.
It doesn't necessarily only happen at mid-life, sometimes people have those feelings off and on throughout their lives. After big changes, feeling unmoored for a bit is totally normal. Empty nest time is another change that can make people feel this way.
I have always been super private.
If I were you (I'm not, I'm a stranger on the internet so my advice is worth what you're paying for it), I'd go to a therapist. Just tell your H you're feeling unhappy and you don't know why, because that is true. I would be very surprised if after a couple of private sessions you didn't feel totally different and much better. I'm private too, I don't share my problems with anyone IRL.
 

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If your hb is a great guy as you say why not try doing fun stuff with him so you associate him with fun?

Take up running or bike riding or go to shows or museums with him. My bf and I ride bikes together and it's very bonding. And we do other things together and have TV shows we watch together.

It's important that you and your hb have fun together. More then one affair has started because one does fun things with someone that's not their spouse and it's bonding. Go have fun with your hb!
 

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Actually I do have sex with him, but I avoid it when I can. Bit I have never said no to him. But yes, I do want to make it work. Hence I came here to get a broader prospective. I thought I might be missing something.
saying yes to him is not enough when he wants sex , unless he is hiding it he would think it is strange that you never try to seduce him and look for sex
 

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Discussion Starter · #35 ·
It doesn't necessarily only happen at mid-life, sometimes people have those feelings off and on throughout their lives. After big changes, feeling unmoored for a bit is totally normal. Empty nest time is another change that can make people feel this way.

If I were you (I'm not, I'm a stranger on the internet so my advice is worth what you're paying for it), I'd go to a therapist. Just tell your H you're feeling unhappy and you don't know why, because that is true. I would be very surprised if after a couple of private sessions you didn't feel totally different and much better. I'm private too, I don't share my problems with anyone IRL.
Yes I agree because simply sharing on here, I already feel a bit better .
 

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Discussion Starter · #36 ·
If your hb is a great guy as you say why not try doing fun stuff with him so you associate him with fun?

Take up running or bike riding or go to shows or museums with him. My bf and I ride bikes together and it's very bonding. And we do other things together and have TV shows we watch together.

It's important that you and your hb have fun together. More then one affair has started because one does fun things with someone that's not their spouse and it's bonding. Go have fun with your hb!
Thanks a lot - I agree with you
 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
It's a good idea to come clean with your husband anyway.
If you want anything at all to change you will have too.

It will be much harder for him to get divorce papers from you and never having the chance to change and make things better.

Talk to him, come clean with him. If he pushes back and turns into an a$$ then you know and can act accordingly. But from the way you describe him I wonder if he won't try to help make things better, including MC.
Hmm...that would be tough because I think it will hurt him. However, it is an option.
 

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Yes I agree and I told him that I don't really think about sex and he said OK.
he seems to be a bit too willing to except what ever you through his way ,
it could be that he is too much of a nice guy and that some thing in you is telling you that you need him to stand up for himself more , it sounds like if you ask him to jump he does not even ask how high , he just starts jumping ,
 

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Hmm...that would be tough because I think it will hurt him. However, it is an option.
I tend to agree with you. I think he’ll internalize it and feel like it’s his fault. Nothing could be farther from the truth. This isn’t about him. It’s not that you don’t love HIM, based on what you’ve said it sounds like you’re feeling disappointed and trapped by life in general. Why upset him when it’s not his problem to fix and it will only make him feel bad?
 
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