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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone,

I am new to this group but I thought I should share a bit to receive some input and feedback.

I have been married for 6 years and I have a lovely little boy, soon to be 5.

When I first met my husband about 8 years ago, I fell for him after about a few dates. I cannot say that I was entirely attracted to him but he grew on me.

At the time I met him, I lived alone and enjoyed my life and career. However, we soon decided to move in together because the long distance and the flights were too much. I then suffered a miscarriage. Soon after that we got married and I decided I wanted a child - I made this decision mainly because I felt badly about my miscarriage. I felt guilty, like it was somehow my fault. Though I initially didn't want kids, I changed my mind. [Didn't want kids because had a thought family life and relationship with my dad was nonexistent]

My husband was married before and in the early stages on our marriage things were tough with her ex-wife. I believe that some of the decisions he made initially in relation to his daughter left a bad taste on my tongue.

I am not sure when it was but at some point I seized feeling attracted to him. Not sure why but I guess it was a mixture of a lot of things.

Now, it has been about 3 years since I haven't been feeling attracted to him. I started going to bed late a night so I don't have ro have sex but sometimes he waits on me - like if he isn't tired.

In all honesty, my husband is a good guy. But I am just not feeling it.

Then I recently started a new job after being a stay at home mom for a few years. This new job is not in the least fulfilling. It just made me miss my previous job which i did when I met my husband even more.

So at this point I miss the life I had before my husband. I miss having my own space, wearing nice dresses and heading to the office with high heels and socialising, meeting different people. My previous job was highly social one. I didn't realise how much I enjoyed it.

So now most I just feel sad all the time. Not happy with my life, my husband or my job. Has anyone ever felt this way and how did you fix it.
 

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Hi everyone,

I am new to this group but I thought I should share a bit to receive some input and feedback.

I have been married for 6 years and I have a lovely little boy, soon to be 5.

When I first met my husband about 8 years ago, I fell for him after about a few dates. I cannot say that I was entirely attracted to him but he grew on me.

At the time I met him, I lived alone and enjoyed my life and career. However, we soon decided to move in together because the long distance and the flights were too much. I then suffered a miscarriage. Soon after that we got married and I decided I wanted a child - I made this decision mainly because I felt badly about my miscarriage. I felt guilty, like it was somehow my fault. Though I initially didn't want kids, I changed my mind. [Didn't want kids because had a thought family life and relationship with my dad was nonexistent]

My husband was married before and in the early stages on our marriage things were tough with her ex-wife. I believe that some of the decisions he made initially in relation to his daughter left a bad taste on my tongue.

I am not sure when it was but at some point I seized feeling attracted to him. Not sure why but I guess it was a mixture of a lot of things.

Now, it has been about 3 years since I haven't been feeling attracted to him. I started going to bed late a night so I don't have ro have sex but sometimes he waits on me - like if he isn't tired.

In all honesty, my husband is a good guy. But I am just not feeling it.

Then I recently started a new job after being a stay at home mom for a few years. This new job is not in the least fulfilling. It just made me miss my previous job which i did when I met my husband even more.

So at this point I miss the life I had before my husband. I miss having my own space, wearing nice dresses and heading to the office with high heels and socialising, meeting different people. My previous job was highly social one. I didn't realise how much I enjoyed it.

So now most I just feel sad all the time. Not happy with my life, my husband or my job. Has anyone ever felt this way and how did you fix it.
I hear a lot of “I” and “I decided” in your post, which gives the impression that you may be more dominant in your marriage then your husband.
Basically, it sounds like you settled for a safe, passive man who you’re not attracted to because you don’t really respect him as a man.

by the way, is there another man in the picture, or one that you are strongly attracted to?
 

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So at this point I miss the life I had before my husband. I miss having my own space, wearing nice dresses and heading to the office with high heels and socialising, meeting different people. My previous job was highly social one. I didn't realise how much I enjoyed it
You are missing the single life, and dreading being physical with your husband. Have you thought of marriage counseling? You're having buyers remorse, but not for any reasons that you shared. Just that you changed. I agree with Dude’s question...is there another man in your life?
 

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I would recommend trying marriage counseling.

If you don't want to put in the work to fix this problem, then divorce him. He deserves more than a wife who isn't attracted to him, avoids sex for three years, etc. Honestly, you may be lucky he has put up with that for so long.
 

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Has it occurred to you that you might have built up resentment against your husband since all these changes you decided you didn’t like (in hind sight)??

I highly doubt he is the reason you are feeling so unsatisfied. If you are unhappy in your current job, make a plan to obtain a job that is more fullfiling. Won’t happen overnight but I think if you really take some time to set & write out some goals for yourself and start putting the plan into action you will feel better. This may sound silly, but if you have space in your home, set up an small area where you work on your plan. Heck you can even dress nice in that time to get youmore in that mode of thinking. If you’re having a hard time getting back into the line of business you were previously in make contact withyour previous contacts in that industry or perhaps a mentor.

Anyway, it does sound like you need to work on yourself to get over this resentment. Talk to a couselor about to see if resentment is indeed the issue or not. And then from there see if your husband is open to marriage counseling.

I apologize for any grammar errors. My phone just does not like this site. Change my words and I cannot find and correct all the “errors” my phone creates.
 

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So at this point I miss the life I had before my husband. I miss having my own space, wearing nice dresses and heading to the office with high heels and socialising, meeting different people. My previous job was highly social one. I didn't realise how much I enjoyed it.
Everyone is focusing on your husband in this, but I’m wondering about your child. What you’re longing for is your life before you had a family.

It is normal to miss being single and childless sometimes. Having zero responsibilities. Being able to do what you want, when you want.

You do realize that even if you divorce, there is no undo button for babies, right?

I’m wondering how much of this is really about your husband and how much is you realizing the being an adult is not glamorous and fun. Even if you blow up
your marriage, your life will never be what it was before. Just be sure you’re being realistic. And also realize that your husband isn’t obligated to sit around and wait while you deal with this. If you treat him like this is his fault, he will (rightfully) leave. Tread carefully here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I hear a lot of “I” and “I decided” in your post, which gives the impression that you may be more dominant in your marriage then your husband.
Basically, it sounds like you settled for a safe, passive man who you’re not attracted to because you don’t really respect him as a man.

by the way, is there another man in the picture, or one that you are strongly attracted to?
Yeah, actually he is passive. In the early atages of our relationship, after my sister noticed he said yes to everything. I had to have a talk with him and explain that he doesn't have to say yes to everything. Then he got better over time. Now we discuss better and he shares how he feels about stuff before we do it etc.

However, there isn't someone else in my life whom I find more attractive. I had one male friend who was a bit flirty but I ditched him because I didn't like having a friend who also flirted with me.

Additionally, Dispute his flirtation, was never attracted to my friend. So he didn't affect my marriage in any way. He ecane friends from am expat community thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Everyone is focusing on your husband in this, but I’m wondering about your child. What you’re longing for is your life before you had a family.

It is normal to miss being single and childless sometimes. Having zero responsibilities. Being able to do what you want, when you want.

You do realize that even if you divorce, there is no undo button for babies, right?

I’m wondering how much of this is really about your husband and how much is you realizing the being an adult is not glamorous and fun. Even if you blow up
your marriage, your life will never be what it was before. Just be sure you’re being realistic. And also realize that your husband isn’t obligated to sit around and wait while you deal with this. If you treat him like this is his fault, he will (rightfully) leave. Tread carefully here.
Solid advice. Thanks. I guess I thought about getting a divorce than quickly realising that a divorce is not going to solve my issues. Further, I also think of my son. So then once I realised divorce isn't the answer. I guess I suddenly started feeling trapped. I even thought about cheating, quickly realising that is also not going to help me. Then I start thinking, how can I feel attracted to my husband again, looked at him naked and thought - oh no that's not gonna help me either.

Now I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. So I figured there must be a way of gaining some level of gratification - so I posted here with the hope that someone will say something that stands out. Something I haven't thought about.
You are missing the single life, and dreading being physical with your husband. Have you thought of marriage counseling? You're having buyers remorse, but not for any reasons that you shared. Just that you changed. I agree with Dude’s question...is there another man in your life?
Marriage counselling has crossed my mind but then that would mean having to come clean to my husband and say how I really feel. Then he will be hurt and sad. So I dismissed it. My husband has no idea how I feel. He thinks I go to bed late because after working I have to clean up the house because I detest nastiness. He thinks I am a compulsive house cleaner - all of which are partly true.

When I do not have a choice- then I do have sex with him. I have never told him no. I just avoid or simply have sex.

I suppose sometimes I sorta do end up enjoying it. But thats because I create my own mental fantasies and he does pay attention to my needs as well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I hear a lot of “I” and “I decided” in your post, which gives the impression that you may be more dominant in your marriage then your husband.
Basically, it sounds like you settled for a safe, passive man who you’re not attracted to because you don’t really respect him as a man.

by the way, is there another man in the picture, or one that you are strongly attracted to?
I would recommend trying marriage counseling.

If you don't want to put in the work to fix this problem, then divorce him. He deserves more than a wife who isn't attracted to him, avoids sex for three years, etc. Honestly, you may be lucky he has put up with that for so long.
Actually I do have sex with him, but I avoid it when I can. Bit I have never said no to him. But yes, I do want to make it work. Hence I came here to get a broader prospective. I thought I might be missing something.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Has it occurred to you that you might have built up resentment against your husband since all these changes you decided you didn’t like (in hind sight)??

I highly doubt he is the reason you are feeling so unsatisfied. If you are unhappy in your current job, make a plan to obtain a job that is more fullfiling. Won’t happen overnight but I think if you really take some time to set & write out some goals for yourself and start putting the plan into action you will feel better. This may sound silly, but if you have space in your home, set up an small area where you work on your plan. Heck you can even dress nice in that time to get youmore in that mode of thinking. If you’re having a hard time getting back into the line of business you were previously in make contact withyour previous contacts in that industry or perhaps a mentor.

Anyway, it does sound like you need to work on yourself to get over this resentment. Talk to a couselor about to see if resentment is indeed the issue or not. And then from there see if your husband is open to marriage counseling.

I apologize for any grammar errors. My phone just does not like this site. Change my words and I cannot find and correct all the “errors” my phone creates.
Thanks, solid advice. We'll I have been looking into getting back into my previous job. The issues is that my previous jobs required a lot of travelling - I would barely be at home. Which could be good in my current situation but I want to be there for my son... my husband is a big guy and will be fine. I spoke to him about it and he said that since my job was well paying, he would quit his job and stay home with our son if I go back to work.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thanks, solid advice. We'll I have been looking into getting back into my previous job. The issues is that my previous jobs required a lot of travelling - I would barely be at home. Which could be good in my current situation but I want to be there for my son... my husband is a big guy and will be fine. I spoke to him about it and he said that since my job was well paying, he would quit his job and stay home with our son if I go back to work.
Also I do try all the self-care stuff. I grt manicures and pedicures, I do facials regularly, always try to look nice etc. It helps to provide a healthy distraction.
 

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Depressions and thoughts of suicide are not the same thing. You can have depression without those type of thoughts.

I saw your response about the travel required in your prior profession. Surely your husband can still work part time while child is in school or preschool. I personally would not want to travel and be a way from my children when they were small (my idea of small is under 10). But everyone is not the same. Sounds like you might need to consider a different job. Is there anything that you can do that doesn’t require the travel but would keep you in similar field?

I think nearly everyone goes through a spell in life where they think “what am I doing”, “how did things get like this?”. Think about what you want and make it happen.

Do you think you and husband have lost “connection” due to having child now? Does husband knowhow you are feeling?
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Depressions and thoughts of suicide are not the same thing. You can have depression without those type of thoughts.

I saw your response about the travel required in your prior profession. Surely your husband can still work part time while child is in school or preschool. I personally would not want to travel and be a way from my children when they were small (my idea of small is under 10). But everyone is not the same. Sounds like you might need to consider a different job. Is there anything that you can do that doesn’t require the travel but would keep you in similar field?

I think nearly everyone goes through a spell in life where they think “what am I doing”, “how did things get like this?”. Think about what you want and make it happen.

Do you think you and husband have lost “connection” due to having child now? Does husband knowhow you are feeling?
Brilliant advice, thanks. Well to be honest, depression isn't something I explored a lot. So who knows, perhaps I am depressed. I always considered myself to be an emotionally and mentally strong person. So I always either found a way to fix my problem or got out of the situation so I didn't have to deal with it. Now, I feel my hands are tied.

Yes, my husband says he will probably still try to work part-time. I agree with you, hence I don't want to leave me son, he is 5. But at the same time, I keep thinking I am getting older and the longer I wait, the less likely I can get back to doing my old more glamorous job.

But yes, what I currently do is in the same field. It is generally what most people in my field do after they get married and have kids. Similar type of work but more stability. At the moment, I work from home and can still be with my son. My husband loves this job. But I miss wearing heels and heading to an office etc.

I have tried many distraction techniques, even started the gym, gardening, posting on social media, lots of self-care - skincare, manicures and pedicures, shopping, etc, thinking this annoying feeling will pass but no luck so far.
 

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I guess I suddenly started feeling trapped.
We're not supposed to talk about this because we're women, but this is a VERY normal feeling. Especially after a baby as the reality starts to set in. You realize that 1. being an adult is no fun, and 2. you are, in fact, trapped, for at least 18 years (longer, let's be realistic, once you're a Mommy, you're a Mommy forever 😉). It can be very overwhelming. Men have mid-life crises and get a 22 year old girlfriend and a sports car, we as a society are so familiar with it it's cliché. Women aren't believed to have those kinds of feelings, and to the outside world it can be interpreted as being a bad mother, so there's no real support for it. No one tells you that you're going to feel this way.

It is OK to feel like this. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother. What is NOT ok is to freak out and blow up other people's lives.

Do you have a circle of girlfriends? Not just acquaintances but real friends, people you can tell your secrets to and have them understand? Because if you talk to other women in the same place, if they're honest, they'll tell you these feelings are normal and it doesn't make you a bad mother to have these feelings. They'll also tell you, like I will, that it WILL pass. Therapy is also a REALLY good option. A disinterested third party who can listen to you without judging is HUGE. It's less about "accepting" where you are in life and more about realizing that where you are is a good place. I know you're job isn't what you had before, and I would really suggest looking for something else that suits your personality better. You're at work a lot of hours to not enjoy being there, and the easiest time to find a job is when you already have one. Take a deep breath, make the changes you can make for yourself, and realize that what you are doing now is what all the young girls are TRYING to do. They're all out trying to find a man they can share their lives with, so they can have a family, and you have that. It's an adjustment and yes, it is not as much "fun." But it is WAY more substantial and rewarding.

Just like all the rest of us, 😉 you'll get through this, as long as you don't overreact and lay waste to the life you've started building.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
You sound depressed. Unhappy marriage, unhappy job, unhappy life. I suggest you talk to your doctor and get some IC. This has nothing to do with your husband.
I agree with you. This is why this is so bothering. I look at my husband and I think he is a really great guy. Aside from being short (which I put aside as purely material and something I shouldn't concern myself with) - he is really great, super loving (he stays in touch with me when he is at work during his breaks), not doing do any of those bad things that would stress me out (like cheating or going out drinking and returning in the wee hours of the morning) - he helps around the house- took care of us for 4 years after my son was born without placing any financial limitations on me etc. He is a nice guy, hence I cannot figure what is my problem. But depression may be it. What do you mean IC. Sorry but not familiar with clinical terms, I rarely visit the doctor... I go only when I am in dire straights.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
We're not supposed to talk about this because we're women, but this is a VERY normal feeling. Especially after a baby as the reality starts to set in. You realize that 1. being an adult is no fun, and 2. you are, in fact, trapped, for at least 18 years (longer, let's be realistic, once you're a Mommy, you're a Mommy forever 😉). It can be very overwhelming. Men have mid-life crises and get a 22 year old girlfriend and a sports car, we as a society are so familiar with it it's cliché. Women aren't believed to have those kinds of feelings, and to the outside world it can be interpreted as being a bad mother, so there's no real support for it. No one tells you that you're going to feel this way.

It is OK to feel like this. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother. What is NOT ok is to freak out and blow up other people's lives.

Do you have a circle of girlfriends? Not just acquaintances but real friends, people you can tell your secrets to and have them understand? Because if you talk to other women in the same place, if they're honest, they'll tell you these feelings are normal and it doesn't make you a bad mother to have these feelings. They'll also tell you, like I will, that it WILL pass. Therapy is also a REALLY good option. A disinterested third party who can listen to you without judging is HUGE. It's less about "accepting" where you are in life and more about realizing that where you are is a good place. I know you're job isn't what you had before, and I would really suggest looking for something else that suits your personality better. You're at work a lot of hours to not enjoy being there, and the easiest time to find a job is when you already have one. Take a deep breath, make the changes you can make for yourself, and realize that what you are doing now is what all the young girls are TRYING to do. They're all out trying to find a man they can share their lives with, so they can have a family, and you have that. It's an adjustment and yes, it is not as much "fun." But it is WAY more substantial and rewarding.

Just like all the rest of us, 😉 you'll get through this, as long as you don't overreact and lay waste to the life you've started building.
Oh, never heard of a sort of mid life crisis for women. However, it crossed my mind, then I said I am not forty as yet - perhaps not possible. But you also make a valid point.

I have a group of women I hang out with. We do little get togethers and potlucks but I just listen to their business, I never talk mine. I am just so super private. I sorta told my sister a part of the story but again, not the entire thing. I have always been super private.

You advise is great though - because now that you mentioned it, I recollect being single and thinking I will never find a husband. Then a week later I met my current husband. Besides, I recollect dating sucking big time. Thanks a lot, you were super encouraging, assuraning me that it will pass.
 
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