[almostsingle30]

My husband and I were married in March 2008 and dates about 3 years prior to this. We have two boys ages 5 and 2. My husband has always been a lovey dovey kinda guy. Texts me how much he loves me, ect. Well, about 3 weeks ago this changed...

We have NOT had a good sex life in the past few years. Maybe twice a month. I grew up with parents who stayed together, but showed no affection, so in turn that is how I am.

My husband told me he is not happy...He never said he was leaving, but just that he was not happy. He feels we are best friends, but not lovers...He tried to emotionally shut down and become distant, but I haven't let him. I told him we need to fight for our marriage. We started MC last week. I thought it went well....He said "I don't feel different" but I told him we won't be fixed in one session...We are going again tomorrow and he says he will go. He says he still has hope for us, it is just SO hard to stay patient and give him time to try and have feelings for me. He says he isn't ready to have sex with me yet. He says it is weird for him to be unhappy, then feel good having sex, then feel unhappy after...BUT, we are going out together Saturday to a bar and band and I am hoping we can have some good time re-connect...I love him and I want our family to stay as a whole unit...

I do feel as I am the only one trying, but trying to remind myself to give him time...Has anyone had issues where one or both of you were unhappy, but it got better??

 

[underwater2010]

Have you noticed any other changes in him recently?

 

[almostsingle30]

No...His job has been crazy, but no WAY he is cheating..He literally works and comes home. Still is an amazing dad, ect...He ever talked with his mom (she tells me everything) and said the same thing to him...I know I haven't been a good wife and he says he wants to fall in love with me again, its just getting there...

 

[Emerald]

I am sorry about this. You are very lucky that your husband is sharing with you his unhappiness; many do not until it is too late.

You said you "feel like the only one trying" but that is not true. Your husband is going to MC; he is trying.

There are also good books to read so hopefully other members will post (can't remember all of them).

Twice a month sex may not be cutting it for him.

 

[Mr Pink]

I feel for you because I am in your exact situation except it is reverse. Been married for 3 years, together for 10. Wife wont have sex with me now and claims to be unhappy and wants to do this weird pseudo separaton so she can 'find herself' I am fully committed to trying to make this work but she is not giving me an inch. Its very frustrating and I feel your pain.

 

[IrishGirlVA]

He didn't fall in love with you overnight so likely he is not going to fall back in love with you overnight. And from my perspective he IS trying. Just like Emerald said. In fact, he is doing more than most husbands. He is communicating his feelings and he is going to MC. That says A LOT! But you both need to have patience with the process.

I came from an in tact family as well but there was no affection between my parents as I was growing up. I struggled with this for a long time. I knew I had to change so I "faked it till I made it". Meaning, I forced myself to be more affectionate. It was very uncomfortable for me at first but the more I did it the easier it got. I am not saying you have to get naked and throw yourself on top of your husband but it can start by placing your hand on his leg or reaching for his hand when you walk. And honestly, he will need to get comfortable with this new you as well. He may say he wants more affection from you but he needs to wade into the water right along side of you.

This marriage CAN be fixed with two willing and patient partners. I wish you both the best of luck and HAPPINESS!

 

[Mr Pink]

Im starting to think that parents staying together is actually worse than divorced, bc of the point you all make. My wife has two parents that are still married but have slept in separate beds for over 10 years. They barely speak and act like they know each other much less act married. They have both never even said 'i love you' to their daughter. I have hypothisezed that this is the reason why she is so cold to me sometimes and never wants affection and is probably the genesis of all of the problems we are having. How can you break someone free from thsi cycle?

 

[IrishGirlVA]

Just noticed your user name ---

YOU NEED TO STAY POSITIVE!

 

[CanadianGuy]

Sorry you are going through this. I gather from your post that you would like to have sex more frequently than you are having it. Your husband tells you he feels more like your best friend than your lover. Does it feel to you that he does not want to try to "fix" the marriage? Is he just going along with it to make you happy?

About three weeks ago the texts just stopped. That is kinda strange. Could there be another woman in the picture?

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

I do feel as I am the only one trying, but trying to remind myself to give him time...Has anyone had issues where one or both of you were unhappy, but it got better??

Please suggest to your husband nicely that you would like him to take you out on dates he did before you got married. Dinner, sporting events, concerts, shows, ... any or all of the above. Ask him to pick the time and place, make the arrangements and let you know when to be ready. In you case, I would suggest you ask him to set up a "date night" and do this every week

 

[3Xnocharm]

Read this.

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

 

[Toffer]

"I grew up with parents who stayed together, but showed no affection, so in turn that is how I am"

Hmmm...Was this brought up in counseling? I would hazard a guess that he no longers feels he is desired by you and is tired of making the efforts all the time

 

[Plan 9 from OS]

Has your husband ever complained to you about a lack of intimacy for awhile and has just now "shut it down"? Have you regularly rejected his advances and has he complained about you not initiating or showing any affection to him? If so, then he may have implemented a 180 plan on you where he is going to do the opposite of what he used to do.

Funny, if he has been feeling neglected by you and has implemented the 180, then perhaps it's already having an affect on you considering in your last post you are hoping that the two of you reconnect on a more intimate level. Granted, he's doing the 180 for himself to help cope with what is hurting him in the marriage; however, there is a side affect that can cause behavior change in the spouse as well.

You two need to clearly communicate what is going on in each others heads and work towards coming up with good compromises so that both of your needs are met.

 

[KathyBatesel]

You said you haven't been a good wife. What exactly does that mean?

 

[Hicks]

Forget for the moment about what he has to do.

You have to meet his emotional needs. Read the Five Love Languages, His Needs Her Needs, and The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

You have to establish a track record of meeting his needs for a few months before you can expect him to start noticing and wanting to improve his marraige.

 

[Jeffery]

"I grew up with parents who stayed together, but showed no affection, so in turn that is how I am"

Hmmm...Was this brought up in counseling? I would hazard a guess that he no longers feels he is desired by you and is tired of making the efforts all the time

spot on

 

[almostsingle30]

I was a bad wife because I wasn't meeting all his needs...He said in MC that I am a wonderful mom and teacher, but a crappy wife.

I have a stressful job and sometimes I just want to be alone. I guess over the years that got old for him. He says we had times of happiness, but overall he felt so disconnected and betrayed....

He is still here and WANTS it to work, it just feels like he is so mad at me....We have another session tomorrow and Saturday night we are going to go out by ourselves and have fun. I just wish he would love me again and WANT to touch me...

I love and cherish him so much, but being patient is so hard...bla

 

[LoveLikeYouMeanIt]

I agree with Hicks. The 5 Love Languages book is very good! It's all about doing what makes the other person feel loved. The thing is, what makes you feel loved is probably different from how he feels loved. I would, even before you get a chance to read it, ask him what kind of things make him feel loved / what kind of things he would like you to do.
Secondly, if he is like most guys, he probably has a greater need for respect than for love. So figure out from him what things make him feel respected. If he doesn't know, I would try things like specifically saying I'm proud of you for___. Wow!... You really___!
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[LoveLikeYouMeanIt]

Like I was saying, I would try things like specifically saying I'm proud of you for___. Wow!... You really___! I am so impressed with how you___!
*Those would probably work well if his love language is words of affirmation. But, if it is quality time, those words might not mean as much as things like: coming right over when he asks you to, and spending time doing what he's interested in.
But, I would figure out his love language as soon as possible.
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[LoveLikeYouMeanIt]

I mentioned words of affirmation and quality time.
Just so you know, the other 3 are
physical touch,
gifts, and
acts of service

Another great book is Love and Respect. It tells you how to get out of the crazy cycle. This is the crazy cycle: He feels disrespected so he treats you unloving. You feel unloved so you treat him disrespectfully, and it goes on and on and you don't even know what started it or how to stop it.
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