Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 29 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi everyone,

I am interested in getting some advice/opinions because I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I’ll try to make it as brief as possible, although I’m sure this post will end up being very long. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads it. I am very unhappy in my marriage, but I’m not sure if I should leave or what I should do. One part of me wants out now… I just kind of want to pack up my things and just go. The other part of me thinks that I made the choice to get married, it’s a lifetime commitment, so now I just have to deal with it and hope things improve.

So, some background information. I’m 23 and my husband is 34. I started dating him when I was 17. We moved in together as soon as I turned 18. About a year after we moved in together, he quit his job. He didn’t really look for a new job and remained unemployed for about a year. Fortunately, my job was offering tons of overtime and I worked 12 hours a day, 7 days a week for most of that year in order to pay our bills. He has kids from previous relationships, and was already around $20k in child support arrears before becoming unemployed. After being unemployed for a while, the child support enforcement office revoked his driver’s license & was threatening him with jail time. He had to pay several thousand dollars in order to avoid jail time… which I paid since he didn’t have a job. Since then, not much has changed. I feel like I’m responsible for everything and he is responsible for nothing.

After he got a job, I guess he was so accustomed to having me pay all the bills that he really didn’t want to contribute to the bills at all. He has been giving me the amount of my car payment every month, but that’s it. My car payment is a fraction of our total bills, and everything else is on me. I have tried discussing this with him many, many times. He just gets upset and defensive. He also loves to come up with ridiculous excuses as to why he shouldn’t have to contribute more to our bills. He said that he shouldn’t have to pay any portion of the rent because he’d rather live in a tent. He said he shouldn’t have to contribute towards the electricity because if I would let him, he would just turn off the air conditioning and deal with being uncomfortable in the heat. He said if I don’t want to pay for his car insurance, I should cancel it and just drive him everywhere. I don’t want him to pay for everything, I just want us to split the bills more equally.

He spends most of his money on clothes, tattoos, and car parts. He has plenty of money to play with after paying the 1 bill that he pays. On the other hand, EVERY dollar I make goes towards paying bills. I really don’t even make enough to pay the bills I pay, so my parents usually give me money every month. It’s frustrating that we cannot be on the same page in regards to finances. I’m sorry, but I resent him so much for it. I am in serious need of some new clothes- mine either don’t fit or have holes in them. I can’t afford $30 to buy a few new shirts at Wal-Mart, but he just spent $100 on a stupid jacket and has gotten like 10 new tattoos in the past 2 months.

Other than that, I am just not happy with our life in general. I feel as though we have no common interests, and our goals and what we want out of life are totally different. I really don’t even enjoy being around him and would rather just be alone. I try to be positive, but honestly I just feel miserable. I just feel all around crappy and unhappy. I feel totally unappreciated. He never acknowledges how much I actually do – I work full time, go to school full time and do volunteer work as well. He’ll say I’m lazy, or If I mention I’m tired, he’ll just say “I don’t know why, you didn’t do anything today.” It’s true that my job isn’t physically demanding like his is, but he seems to think I’m lazy just because I have an office job. I can’t remember the last time we did anything fun together. I don’t remember the last time I was really and truly happy. I have told him this, but he says he doesn’t understand why. He says he’s perfectly happy with our life and doesn’t know what my problem is. I really don’t feel like I’m getting anything out of our relationship. I feel like I'm really being taken advantage of, and have been for quite some time.

So, what do you guys think? Maybe I’ll feel better once I graduate. I’ll have a job that pays more (hopefully) and won’t have to deal with the stress of both work and college. Maybe I’m just unhappy from barely getting any sleep and stressing over money. Maybe everything will just be better when I graduate from college. Maybe I won’t mind paying the majority of the bills once I’m making enough money to actually do it. Or, maybe I’ll be just as miserable as I am now. The thought of spending my entire life feeling the way I feel now is frightening. I wish I could go back to my 17 year old self and just say, “Look, you’re just a baby. You need to focus on school and listen to your parents and NOT get involved with a much older man who has 3 kids. Just stay away from him.” But I can’t, so I need to figure out what I’m doing. I just want to be happy again. I haven’t always been like this. I don't know what to do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Honey, you are can do way better. Make yourself a priority. Sometimes you need to love yourself enough to move on. I work full time, g to grad school full time, and have clinical. My husband did not appreciate me and my hard work. Do wat you need to do to be happy, even if that means being alone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Thank you both for your responses. I really have been feeling this way for a long time... I'm just afraid of hurting him.

Sweetie you are 23 and you sound about 50. Do you really think things are magically going to change anytime soon? Really?
Yeah I always say that I feel like I'm about 80, not 23! I definitely don't feel like a young adult who is out there enjoying life. You're right, things are definitely not going to magically change, even though I wish they would.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
257 Posts
From a guys perspective he will never value you or your children over his laziness and self centered desires... He is a loser with a capital "L"! Make plans immediately to get away from him or your life will eventually be a train wreck.
I am not saying he can't change or will never change but at his age it is highly unlikely. Not to mention he won't take care of his children financially... I have little patience or tolerance for such people.
RUN AWAY FASTER THAN FORREST GUMP!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
450 Posts
The fact that he's a 'dead-beat dad' should tell you all you need to know............If he's not willing to support & pay for children he created, what makes you think he's ever going to be willing to do that for you?

Pack your stuff and leave this LOSER!!!!! YOU are worth so much MORE!!!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
This sounds very like my husband, at 56 years, he's still like this & I have lost all hope his conscience will kick in & he'll change. He is unappreciative of anything I do and goes out of his way to insult me. if I were in my 20's, i would have quit....but at 52, I have to find other coping methods...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
611 Posts
In case I missed it, what was the reason you thought you should stay with this worthless POS?
 
  • Like
Reactions: TrustIsGone

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
In case I missed it, what was the reason you thought you should stay with this worthless POS?
I really don't know why I've stayed this long. I don't know why I even got involved with him in the first place. Yeah, pathetic I know. I don't know why I've made the stupid life choices that I've made, I really can't explain it. Before I met him, my life was great and I had a lot of unique and amazing opportunities. I had a lot going for me, and I threw it all away to live like this. I'm mad at myself for being so stupid.

I guess the only reason I'm still here is that I'm afraid of hurting him. I was actually kind of expecting people to tell me that I'm horrible and selfish for wanting to leave him. After all, nobody forced me to marry him, I made this whole mess on my own. I just want to start making some better choices & get my life back on track and everything.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,221 Posts
Tell him to go live in a tent.

Holy crap.

The first clue that this guy was no good was that you were 17 and he was almost 30. THAT is just yuck.

It's ok...you were young and your brain wasn't formed yet. But it's formed now (or almost...usually by 25) so you're seeing the problems clearer.

Good luck, but I honestly think he's bad news. And whatever you do....DO NOT get pregnant. He already has kids that he doesn't pay for. THAT was another huge red flag.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,855 Posts
You aren't dumb or stupid... you did what you did, so don't feel bad about it. You aren't a loser for picking him either. Things turned out the way they did, that's all. And the past can't be changed.

So pick your head up. There's always tomorrow. Take charge of your life. Stop paying all the bills. Spend some money on yourself. Take a trip, get away, go find some fun things to do. Call a friend. Go for coffee. Talk about what you want to do after school. (don't talk about your hubby). Start writing. Make plans. You have your WHOLE future ahead of you! That's kind of exciting, really.

What are you taking in school?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
606 Posts
I wish I could go back to my 17 year old self and just say, “Look, you’re just a baby. You need to focus on school and listen to your parents and NOT get involved with a much older man who has 3 kids. Just stay away from him.”
You can't sacrifice the rest of your life because of a mistake you made 6 years ago. Is your logic that you're in it for 6 years so might as well go all the way to 80?

You don't realize it, but 23 is very very young. THERE IS NO WAY IN THIS WORLD that you should continue like this for one more day. Why do you feel so worthless that you think you deserve to be treated like such garbage, and that's a nice word for it. You're being treated like dirt, like filth, like scum.

You are delusional if you think things will get better after you graduate. You work like a dog, you're responsible for the bills, your husband is using you and abusing you and then blaming you.

There isn't one itty bitty tiny redeeming quality about this guy.
Please believe me that although you think 23 is old, it is really very young. You're at the beginning of your life. Make the decision to want more for yourself ASAP.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
You aren't dumb or stupid... you did what you did, so don't feel bad about it. You aren't a loser for picking him either. Things turned out the way they did, that's all. And the past can't be changed.

So pick your head up. There's always tomorrow. Take charge of your life. Stop paying all the bills. Spend some money on yourself. Take a trip, get away, go find some fun things to do. Call a friend. Go for coffee. Talk about what you want to do after school. (don't talk about your hubby). Start writing. Make plans. You have your WHOLE future ahead of you! That's kind of exciting, really.

What are you taking in school?
Thanks for your advice =) I appreciate it. I actually have a trip planned with my dad for early next year, without my husband. I am studying Accounting and should have my Bachelor's degree in about a year.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
There isn't one itty bitty tiny redeeming quality about this guy.
Please believe me that although you think 23 is old, it is really very young. You're at the beginning of your life. Make the decision to want more for yourself ASAP.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and reply. You're right, I'm pretty much being treated like crap and I'm sick of it. At this point, I am pretty much sure that I want out. The only thing is working up the nerve to actually just do it and get it over with.

Here is another concern I have... if I were to kick him out, I can't pay the bills on my own. I just got paid, and after paying bills, I have $3 to last until my next paycheck on the 30th. If I had to take on the 1 bill that he pays... I just don't see how it would work. I literally have no extra money at all to take on even 1 more bill on my own. I am sure my parents would let me live with them until I get back on my feet, but that would mean moving across the country to where my parents live. I would have to transfer to the university there, but I don't know if I can transfer as a senior. I don't know if I should just try to deal with this crap for another year while I finish school, or if I should just worry about leaving now and think about school later. I've just worked REALLY really hard in school and I don't want to do anything stupid and mess it up.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,529 Posts
You aren't dumb, you were only 17. And of course he doesn't see any problems, your marriage is great FOR HIM.

It's great you're going away with your dad. Start making plans to leave for good. And don't feel bad for your husband. You've given him five years of your precious life, that's way more than he deserves.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,529 Posts
Just read your last post. If I were in your shoes, I would put my head down and finish my degree where you are. Just separate from him in your mind, you sound really busy, which is great. You supported him for however many years, he can help you, however little, to finish your study before you go.

Then, when you're all done with study, pack up and go to your parents. I guarantee you they will be overjoyed to have this loser out of your life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
611 Posts
. . . .I guess the only reason I'm still here is that I'm afraid of hurting him. I was actually kind of expecting people to tell me that I'm horrible and selfish for wanting to leave him. . . .
. . . .Here is another concern I have... if I were to kick him out, I can't pay the bills on my own. . . ..
The longer you delay cancer treatment the less the likelihood of survival. Rid yourself of this cancer NOW!
 
  • Like
Reactions: that_girl

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,221 Posts
I was 23 when I got pregnant. Oye. So young...

I was 25 when I FINALLY got my head out of my bum and decided ENOUGH (my ex was a treat ;) )...

You will be ok. honestly. You will. Just take care of yourself.
 
1 - 20 of 29 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top