Hi everyone,
I am interested in getting some advice/opinions because I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I’ll try to make it as brief as possible, although I’m sure this post will end up being very long. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads it. I am very unhappy in my marriage, but I’m not sure if I should leave or what I should do. One part of me wants out now… I just kind of want to pack up my things and just go. The other part of me thinks that I made the choice to get married, it’s a lifetime commitment, so now I just have to deal with it and hope things improve.
So, some background information. I’m 23 and my husband is 34. I started dating him when I was 17. We moved in together as soon as I turned 18. About a year after we moved in together, he quit his job. He didn’t really look for a new job and remained unemployed for about a year. Fortunately, my job was offering tons of overtime and I worked 12 hours a day, 7 days a week for most of that year in order to pay our bills. He has kids from previous relationships, and was already around $20k in child support arrears before becoming unemployed. After being unemployed for a while, the child support enforcement office revoked his driver’s license & was threatening him with jail time. He had to pay several thousand dollars in order to avoid jail time… which I paid since he didn’t have a job. Since then, not much has changed. I feel like I’m responsible for everything and he is responsible for nothing.
After he got a job, I guess he was so accustomed to having me pay all the bills that he really didn’t want to contribute to the bills at all. He has been giving me the amount of my car payment every month, but that’s it. My car payment is a fraction of our total bills, and everything else is on me. I have tried discussing this with him many, many times. He just gets upset and defensive. He also loves to come up with ridiculous excuses as to why he shouldn’t have to contribute more to our bills. He said that he shouldn’t have to pay any portion of the rent because he’d rather live in a tent. He said he shouldn’t have to contribute towards the electricity because if I would let him, he would just turn off the air conditioning and deal with being uncomfortable in the heat. He said if I don’t want to pay for his car insurance, I should cancel it and just drive him everywhere. I don’t want him to pay for everything, I just want us to split the bills more equally.
He spends most of his money on clothes, tattoos, and car parts. He has plenty of money to play with after paying the 1 bill that he pays. On the other hand, EVERY dollar I make goes towards paying bills. I really don’t even make enough to pay the bills I pay, so my parents usually give me money every month. It’s frustrating that we cannot be on the same page in regards to finances. I’m sorry, but I resent him so much for it. I am in serious need of some new clothes- mine either don’t fit or have holes in them. I can’t afford $30 to buy a few new shirts at Wal-Mart, but he just spent $100 on a stupid jacket and has gotten like 10 new tattoos in the past 2 months.
Other than that, I am just not happy with our life in general. I feel as though we have no common interests, and our goals and what we want out of life are totally different. I really don’t even enjoy being around him and would rather just be alone. I try to be positive, but honestly I just feel miserable. I just feel all around crappy and unhappy. I feel totally unappreciated. He never acknowledges how much I actually do – I work full time, go to school full time and do volunteer work as well. He’ll say I’m lazy, or If I mention I’m tired, he’ll just say “I don’t know why, you didn’t do anything today.” It’s true that my job isn’t physically demanding like his is, but he seems to think I’m lazy just because I have an office job. I can’t remember the last time we did anything fun together. I don’t remember the last time I was really and truly happy. I have told him this, but he says he doesn’t understand why. He says he’s perfectly happy with our life and doesn’t know what my problem is. I really don’t feel like I’m getting anything out of our relationship. I feel like I'm really being taken advantage of, and have been for quite some time.
So, what do you guys think? Maybe I’ll feel better once I graduate. I’ll have a job that pays more (hopefully) and won’t have to deal with the stress of both work and college. Maybe I’m just unhappy from barely getting any sleep and stressing over money. Maybe everything will just be better when I graduate from college. Maybe I won’t mind paying the majority of the bills once I’m making enough money to actually do it. Or, maybe I’ll be just as miserable as I am now. The thought of spending my entire life feeling the way I feel now is frightening. I wish I could go back to my 17 year old self and just say, “Look, you’re just a baby. You need to focus on school and listen to your parents and NOT get involved with a much older man who has 3 kids. Just stay away from him.” But I can’t, so I need to figure out what I’m doing. I just want to be happy again. I haven’t always been like this. I don't know what to do.
I am interested in getting some advice/opinions because I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I’ll try to make it as brief as possible, although I’m sure this post will end up being very long. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads it. I am very unhappy in my marriage, but I’m not sure if I should leave or what I should do. One part of me wants out now… I just kind of want to pack up my things and just go. The other part of me thinks that I made the choice to get married, it’s a lifetime commitment, so now I just have to deal with it and hope things improve.
So, some background information. I’m 23 and my husband is 34. I started dating him when I was 17. We moved in together as soon as I turned 18. About a year after we moved in together, he quit his job. He didn’t really look for a new job and remained unemployed for about a year. Fortunately, my job was offering tons of overtime and I worked 12 hours a day, 7 days a week for most of that year in order to pay our bills. He has kids from previous relationships, and was already around $20k in child support arrears before becoming unemployed. After being unemployed for a while, the child support enforcement office revoked his driver’s license & was threatening him with jail time. He had to pay several thousand dollars in order to avoid jail time… which I paid since he didn’t have a job. Since then, not much has changed. I feel like I’m responsible for everything and he is responsible for nothing.
After he got a job, I guess he was so accustomed to having me pay all the bills that he really didn’t want to contribute to the bills at all. He has been giving me the amount of my car payment every month, but that’s it. My car payment is a fraction of our total bills, and everything else is on me. I have tried discussing this with him many, many times. He just gets upset and defensive. He also loves to come up with ridiculous excuses as to why he shouldn’t have to contribute more to our bills. He said that he shouldn’t have to pay any portion of the rent because he’d rather live in a tent. He said he shouldn’t have to contribute towards the electricity because if I would let him, he would just turn off the air conditioning and deal with being uncomfortable in the heat. He said if I don’t want to pay for his car insurance, I should cancel it and just drive him everywhere. I don’t want him to pay for everything, I just want us to split the bills more equally.
He spends most of his money on clothes, tattoos, and car parts. He has plenty of money to play with after paying the 1 bill that he pays. On the other hand, EVERY dollar I make goes towards paying bills. I really don’t even make enough to pay the bills I pay, so my parents usually give me money every month. It’s frustrating that we cannot be on the same page in regards to finances. I’m sorry, but I resent him so much for it. I am in serious need of some new clothes- mine either don’t fit or have holes in them. I can’t afford $30 to buy a few new shirts at Wal-Mart, but he just spent $100 on a stupid jacket and has gotten like 10 new tattoos in the past 2 months.
Other than that, I am just not happy with our life in general. I feel as though we have no common interests, and our goals and what we want out of life are totally different. I really don’t even enjoy being around him and would rather just be alone. I try to be positive, but honestly I just feel miserable. I just feel all around crappy and unhappy. I feel totally unappreciated. He never acknowledges how much I actually do – I work full time, go to school full time and do volunteer work as well. He’ll say I’m lazy, or If I mention I’m tired, he’ll just say “I don’t know why, you didn’t do anything today.” It’s true that my job isn’t physically demanding like his is, but he seems to think I’m lazy just because I have an office job. I can’t remember the last time we did anything fun together. I don’t remember the last time I was really and truly happy. I have told him this, but he says he doesn’t understand why. He says he’s perfectly happy with our life and doesn’t know what my problem is. I really don’t feel like I’m getting anything out of our relationship. I feel like I'm really being taken advantage of, and have been for quite some time.
So, what do you guys think? Maybe I’ll feel better once I graduate. I’ll have a job that pays more (hopefully) and won’t have to deal with the stress of both work and college. Maybe I’m just unhappy from barely getting any sleep and stressing over money. Maybe everything will just be better when I graduate from college. Maybe I won’t mind paying the majority of the bills once I’m making enough money to actually do it. Or, maybe I’ll be just as miserable as I am now. The thought of spending my entire life feeling the way I feel now is frightening. I wish I could go back to my 17 year old self and just say, “Look, you’re just a baby. You need to focus on school and listen to your parents and NOT get involved with a much older man who has 3 kids. Just stay away from him.” But I can’t, so I need to figure out what I’m doing. I just want to be happy again. I haven’t always been like this. I don't know what to do.
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