His own autonomy is what led to all sorts of problems.The question should not be, "What does my wife want?" or "What would make my wife happy?" The question should be, "What is the best course of action?" or "What is best for the family?" When you don't have your own autonomy, it leads to all sorts of problems.
I'm so very sure the rest of your post made just as much sense as what I quoted because you ALWAYS make so much sense, but this is for other couples, not this couple, not this member. I wish you knew what adult ADD is like because if you did, you wouldn't have posted this. I couldn't possibly have any idea if his is mild or severe or somewhere in between, but there are levels/degrees of the characteristics that would require this man to have as little autonomy as possible. For example, he said something about her complaining about the pizza he bought.
Say the family ordinarily orders a particular pizza with specific toppings from one parlor and he bought the opposite from a different parlor.
Say they don't like anchovies or onions but he ordered anchovies and onions.
Say where they normally buy from adds a fair amount of cheese but where he went barely puts cheese on it.
I can't guess at what exactly went awry with the pizza purchase, but she said he got the wrong pizza because she knows he didn't notice the family's preferences. So of course she complained because they don't like that pizza, and the kids are only going to eat half of each slice, throwing the rest away. But he would naturally post it here as something else she derided him about.
The problem is he didn't notice. He forgot where they normally go. He wasn't able to make a correlation between needing to stop for pizza and what pizza to get. He simply got pizza as if there is no relationship between the two. One indication about his ADD is he doesn't make associations.
If you only wear one Chanel #5 perfume and very often over the past 5 years, you asked your husband to stop for some "Chanel #5" for you and then one day, you ask him simply "Pick me up some perfume while you're there in the mall, please" and then he brings something other than Chanel #5. How would you feel about that? What would you think if over the years you learned he couldn't be trusted to make that kind of association? You would conclude it's best not to trust him to be autonomous and would make sure you were very specific every time in the future. That's what his wife has learned on practically every level in every aspect of their marriage. She has to assert control to maintain order. She's gotten frustrated at times (more like very often) because to her, it just doesn't make sense to have to be so careful and specific in what she says every single time. It's hard for her because she doesn't understand his condition, and we don't know if he ever told her, for that matter. But it would seem like she's controlling or abusive. It's not really likely that things are done and said quite the way he expressed them here, such as in the case of her pizza complaint. It seems he enumerated and compiled all her complaints and has made them seem unfortunate and unnecessary and just her griping because that's the way he sees them - nothing but complaints and gripes. I know it's hard for him too and that's why he needs to find a medication that he can tolerate. Yet people here are telling him to ignore her and be autonomous and she doesn't respect him and she doesn't love him and she's being abusive.
I spent about an hour with my 30 year old nephew helping me do yard work 9 or 10 years ago. I wanted to rip my hair out (or his) after 20 minutes, but then I remembered his diagnosis from when he was a little boy. I kind of had a little bit of notion that it was something people grow out of but he showed me I that's not the way it goes. So I adjusted and figured out another way to communicate my instructions and some cases I had to oversee him to completion. Try to imagine his wife's daily life. I also have a friend who calls me ever so often crying because of her husband's condition. She's very familiar but it's still frustrating and sometimes very hurtful because he is unable to meet her needs (not referring to sexual needs) and she doesn't want to have to be in control all the time (the average woman doesn't), so she doesn't expect him to, but it's still hard. And she's a nurse.