Talk About Marriage banner

341 - 360 of 382 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,417 Posts
Traits narcissists find attractive in others:

1. Above Average Intelligence.
Emotional stalkers seek very intelligent, really bright, highly skilled, well-trained victims. They look for enthusiasm and passion about their career.

2. Good Work Ethic and Personal Accountability.
Stalkers look for their victims to be very responsible and hard workers, always complying with an excellent achievement of responsibilities assigned.

3. Extreme Perfectionists.
Victims tend to believe nothing they do is ever good enough, forever striving to receive acknowledgement, meanwhile doubting their true worth.

4. Dependable and Always Ready to Help Others.
Victims tend to keep a low profile and have no wish to overshadow friends or work colleagues.

5. Underlying Low Self-Esteem and Low Self-Confidence.
Victims of emotional stalkers crave acknowledgement from their partner, though forever doubting their worthiness of it. This is what makes them vulnerable.
Do you fit that bill? Does your brother?

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-traits-narcissists-seek-in-victims/

Their advice?

Stop cruelly criticizing and blaming yourself, and take a deep look at who it is you are in a relationship with. If the person you love fits the above described behavior and traits, you need to move on with your life sooner than later.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,459 Posts
It is normal for young women to be homesick after marriage. I know of a particular woman who just wanted to go home, but she also loved her husband and was committed to him. She confided in a couple of women she was close to and it worked out in a few months. She has now been married almost five years and has a sweet little family whom she dotes on. She and her husband and doing well. All that to say that it's not abnormal for people who go straight from home to marriage to be terribly homesick for a while. That being said, my friend didn't act like a baby and her husband didn't even know she was homesick. Your wife's behavior sounds immature and inconsiderate of you. I'm not saying she should keep her feelings inside, but she should express them in a way that doesn't hurt others.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,417 Posts
1. You have something the narcissist wants (money, power, position, lifestyle).

In a relationship where a narcissist is involved, there's a unique dynamic that comes into play. It starts with a hook — a dream, often one you think is about you but that for the narcissist is all about control.

Sometimes the narcissist will come across as helpful, then when things don't work out, the table gets turned on you. Once you've caught on, or try to get him to take accountability, the tension only escalates.

2. You have a caregiver's nature and a strong need to help others.

For a time, the relationship seems to be a match made in heaven but it's a fast ticket to hell. In the early stages of the relationship, the generousity and kindness of the caretaker is expressed.

The giver has someone to dote on, and being the center of the universe works out well for the selfish needs of an emotional vampire. Yet, as the relationship becomes more intimate, the narcissist absorbs the relationship's time, energy and resources while gaining control.

3. You have a compassionate, empathetic disposition.

Narcissists have a reason for everything that happens in their life and nothing is ever their own fault. Of course, you listen and want to help, but if you catch yourself saying, "I was just trying to be nice..." more and more often, and if a part of you feels used, chances are there's an unhealthy dynamic at play.

In fact, empathetic personalities and caretaker types are prime candidates for emotional vampires.

4. You grew up in a dysfunctional environment.

Your past can make it difficult to spotting boundary violations when they happen, which might lead you to ignore your gut instincts when someone violates your trust. Narcissists don't like boundaries. If a person has an inability to set them, keep them, or accept blame when one has been violated, a predator-type senses the weakness and uses it to their advantage.

Sometimes, narcissists will perform hero-like acts, but rather than encourage independence or empowerment in their partner, they use their help as a way to create dependency.

5. You are lonely and feel a desperate need to find love.

"Find a need, fill a need" is the narcissist's mantra. A person who has low self-esteem is easier to control than someone with a high sense of self-confidence. At first, the intensity feels good because it can be confused with passion, but a narcissist is incapable of transparency.

Slowly the intensity wanes and a cold, calculated disposition leaves you wondering what went wrong and striving to find the loving person you thought you knew.

6. You willingly accept blame — even for things you didn't do.

As the relationship deteriorates, narcissists use guilt and blame to "prove" that you are the problem. Empathetic and sensitive individuals are extremely vulnerable to the blame game because of their reflective nature. The narcissist will say, "If you hadn't done ____ or ____, I would have to get so angry."

By redirecting your attention to what you did "wrong," the narcissist diverts attention away from their own unhealthy behavior.

7. You avoid conflict and confrontation.

Narcissists feed off of fear and use it to create smoke screens and mirrors. Non-confrontational people often are afraid of abandonment, guilt, or anything that may lead to the loss of an important relationship.

When narcissists react violently they trigger these fears in those who will bend over backward to keep things calm and peaceful. Counter-intuitively, the more you avoid conflict, the more attractive you become to a narcissist.

https://www.yourtango.com/2016298433/narcissists-target-people-these-7-character-traits
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,459 Posts
Yes, you are right. I made a note with the right words to say, so I will share this with her. There is so much that we need to fix. I'm feeling overwhelmed and am shedding a few tears. The brother thing is raising all sorts of feelings of inadequacy with me.
It's okay and normal for you to be feeling upset with all of this sinking in. You have been feeling abused for quite some time, but haven't realized how serious it is, nor have you had anyone to talk to about it. Now you are seeing things more clearly, including your part in all this and want to make changes. But changes take time. Give yourself grace. Breathe. Don't dwell on the negative. Think about what is good, right, and lovely while also facing and dealing with one thing at a time. You are doing fine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,417 Posts
Yes, you are right. I made a note with the right words to say, so I will share this with her. There is so much that we need to fix. I'm feeling overwhelmed and am shedding a few tears. The brother thing is raising all sorts of feelings of inadequacy with me.

Here’s what I desperately needed someone to tell me when I was going through it:

You’re a good person that deserves to be loved. You’re not being abused because you deserve to be, you’re being abused because someone wants to control you. You didn’t earn this. And you will survive this. There is a whole world of joy out there waiting for you, and that’s the world that she doesn’t want you to see - because it’s a world without her in it. Just take that first step, right now, to do something to make yourself stronger and happier.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
120 Posts
Discussion Starter #346
You do the exact same thing I do as a result of lack of control over my own life - pick feel-good things or actions to say to yourself that you are your own person, dammit! Except mine is going out to eat Mexican food and drinking wine, lol.

But I know, I can see it, that once I gain control over my self and my authenticity, I will no longer NEED those things. Why I push myself to change, to stand up for myself, to stop worrying about how HE feels (not my problem).

I daresay you'll realize the same thing.

I will add, though, that if you're not even getting decent missionary sex, it's going to be hard to be satisfied. Without going into too much detail, do you do things for each other in the bedroom? Does she orgasm? Ever? I'm betting she said no to that years ago.
I like that talk about controlling yourself and finding authenticity, even though I am apprehensive about what that looks like or means. It is becoming clear to me that I have made her feelings too important in my life, and I should start standing up for myself, remembering that I have normal needs too that are important as well. Yes, we have sexual intimacy a few times per week, and we both climax 95% of the time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
120 Posts
Discussion Starter #347
There are three best ways to find that stuff out. One is exercising, which you're already doing. One is becoming productive - build something, volunteer somewhere, learn how to do something, join a club for something (I'm thinking of taking my dog to flyball). And one is HAVING FRIENDS. You simply MUST make some, or find some, friends and start having man-on-man time. Please trust me in this. Who are you going to call up today or tomorrow to hang out with?
That was timely. I just read this, and then I saw a few guys that I knew. I joined them for a brief walk and chatted about life. It felt nice, as I got away from my problems for a bit. I have to get myself out there for the male friend thing. I'm rusty. I have a neighbor I might be able to spend some time with, as we have in the past briefly. This is a lead.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
120 Posts
Discussion Starter #348
Every single time I go to therapy (this is my 3rd, cos I never stuck with it in the past to make any real change), every single time, it's about me telling my husband what I think and what I want. And every time I cry, say I can't, say he'll be mad, and so on. Now, she knows he'll never hit me, doesn't even yell anymore, won't hurt me.

And every time, every single visit, my therapist says "What's the worst that can happen?"

Because really, dude, what's the worst that can happen?
That's good - I need to say what I think and want. That is authenticity. The worst that can happen is we get into an argument, not talk much, not have sex, be filled with animosity for each other.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,726 Posts
That's good - I need to say what I think and want. That is authenticity. The worst that can happen is we get into an argument, not talk much, not have sex, be filled with animosity for each other.
Right. It's not life threatening. It's not job ending. It's not health-defining. It's just two people not getting along. And meantime, you'll be learning who you are, not tiptoeing around, not lying to her and yourself, not sneaking off to jerk off to porn cos you can't be yourself.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,459 Posts
That's good - I need to say what I think and want. That is authenticity. The worst that can happen is we get into an argument, not talk much, not have sex, be filled with animosity for each other.
You don't have to participate in arguments or allow yourself to be filled with animosity. These are personal choices. Learn how to state your position and let her know that she is free to share her point of view as well, but everything stops when love and respect stop. You can lead this change.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,687 Posts
You don't have to participate in arguments or allow yourself to be filled with animosity. These are personal choices. Learn how to state your position and let her know that she is free to share her point of view as well, but everything stops when love and respect stop. You can lead this change.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk
I wish I could like this twice.

Your truth does not need her approval or permission.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,687 Posts
DIGB:

I posted this on my bathroom mirror in 2014. It is a mish-mash of quotes from NMMNG as well as posters from this site. When I put them up initially, my wife did not like them...at all.

I took this photo tonight...yes, tonight. Five years later...it is STILL on my mirror.

Why?

So I don't return to the approval seeking, nice-guy behavior of my past.

So I remember to love myself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

So I remember to measure my personal success with MY measuring tools...not hers.

Funny, my wife's anger at the time...yet here we are...in a far better place... Had I listened to her, they would have been taken down already. Yet those fundamentals were the basis for our marriage to come back from the brink.

Imagine that...


Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
120 Posts
Discussion Starter #354
Wow - I am blown away by the support and advice by you all. Some things are starting to sink in, and I am learning, becoming more aware. I thank you all greatly!

I spoke with my wife last night, and I made two boundaries that she agreed to:

1) She will stop emailing/texting/calling my brother, because she admitted to "having feelings" for him. If she wants to share something with him, then she agreed that the message would go through me. I have inadequacy issues, especially comparing myself to him. It has been bugging me subconsciously for years - his better grades, my parents possibly favoring him, his better earning job, his better SAT/College. I asked her to transfer the feelings that she has about him towards me.

2) I will have access to our home computer. She gave me the password, so I can now login. I shared how much I love her, how I see that her boundary is that I will not use porn. I agreed to respect that boundary. I told her how my nature is to watch it and admire other women that I see in life. I see how this hurts her and makes her feel inadequate. I apologized for my contribution to her pain here. I told her my desire to be a person of integrity, honesty, transparency, which would help us be real with each, deepen our relationship. I am going to start sharing some insights into me. For example, I saw a show last night where the female turned me on, and I shared this with her, following with how it is fake/shallow, how I would rather be with my wife instead.

We communicated so much more throughout the night:
1) How we need to start expressing clearly our wants to each other.
2) How we need to start expressing our feelings to each other, that feelings are fleeting and not bad/shameful things that we should use to fight each other.
3) How we both desire our marriage to deepen in richness and happiness.
4) How we both have needs, and that is normal, and we want each other to meet each other’s needs.
5) How our marriage has been subpar for many years, and we need to improve it to help our own happiness.
6) How we want to have respect for each other - no more raised voices, yelling, name-calling, hurtful comments, silent treatment, withholding sex.
7) How I am trying to find happiness, to view myself as worthy of respect, to put my needs as important, not just the needs of others, that my pleasure is important as well, which will result in me feeling less resentful, less bottled-up rage, less angry inside.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
120 Posts
Discussion Starter #355
Are you sure?
Haha, yes! I don't feel comfortable sharing the details. On the rare occasion when she does not climax, then she makes it clearly known to me that she just could not achieve it. No one is to blame when it happens, just natural body issues.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,687 Posts
Okay, so you put her on notice.

Now it is time to STOP talking and START doing.

Communicate things of importance one time, and one time only. After that, let your actions speak for you.

Here is an example of how that looks:

My wife gets overwhelmed periodically...sometimes for a couple of months. When she does, she stops meeting my needs. The first few times it happened, I brought it to her attention (mistake to do more than once).

Nothing changed. Resentment built in me.

So then I began ceasing the meeting of her needs when she does this. I started by not helping her feed her dogs. I didn't say anything...I simply just stopped doing it. She was PISSED.

Her: Why didn't you feed the dogs?!?

Me: It's not really working for me any more.

Her: But you do it most weekday mornings.

Me: (silence, I already stated my truth)

Her: Are you going to do it tomorrow?

Me: No.

Her, exasperated: Why not?!?

Me, calmly: If you want more from me, you can start by doing more for me.

Her, angry: So this is about sex. I don't agree with tit for tat.

Me: If you want me to see things from your perspective, you can start by seeing them from mine.

Now when she begins to get selfish again, I just simply stop. I say nothing to her except that one line:

If you want more from me, you can start by doing more for me.

One time only, DIGB. Last night was your one time.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,283 Posts
I'm sorry to jump in here, but I have gathered from your posts that your wife has a rather traditional view of marriage where she expects you to be the leader in the household. In regards to asking her for access to the computer, I do not think your wife would respect this approach.

Personally, I prefer to see a marriage as an equal partnership, and even with this view, I would not be asking for access to my computer, I would be stating that this is what was going to happen. While I will accept and consider reasonable requests, I will not accept being treated like a child.

She has made a reasonable request that you stop using porn. From that point it was up to you to stop, not up to her to force it.

You seem cowed because of her temper. There is a point where you will need to start asserting yourself more, as other people have already said.

I have to wonder if part of your loss of faith in your religion is because you do not feel like you fit the mould of the traditional patriarch. Your wife seems to have become the head of the household despite her religion that says she should be subservient. How does she reconcile this? Maybe feeling like she has to be the boss (I'm not saying this is fair, if that's what she feels) and take control is what is really getting under her skin. I might be totally off base since I'm not religious myself.
I think that for a Christian lady married to a non Christian man this is hard as he can never be the head of the home spiritually and that's so important.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,283 Posts
Wow - I am blown away by the support and advice by you all. Some things are starting to sink in, and I am learning, becoming more aware. I thank you all greatly!

I spoke with my wife last night, and I made two boundaries that she agreed to:

1) She will stop emailing/texting/calling my brother, because she admitted to "having feelings" for him. If she wants to share something with him, then she agreed that the message would go through me. I have inadequacy issues, especially comparing myself to him. It has been bugging me subconsciously for years - his better grades, my parents possibly favoring him, his better earning job, his better SAT/College. I asked her to transfer the feelings that she has about him towards me.

2) I will have access to our home computer. She gave me the password, so I can now login. I shared how much I love her, how I see that her boundary is that I will not use porn. I agreed to respect that boundary. I told her how my nature is to watch it and admire other women that I see in life. I see how this hurts her and makes her feel inadequate. I apologized for my contribution to her pain here. I told her my desire to be a person of integrity, honesty, transparency, which would help us be real with each, deepen our relationship. I am going to start sharing some insights into me. For example, I saw a show last night where the female turned me on, and I shared this with her, following with how it is fake/shallow, how I would rather be with my wife instead.

We communicated so much more throughout the night:
1) How we need to start expressing clearly our wants to each other.
2) How we need to start expressing our feelings to each other, that feelings are fleeting and not bad/shameful things that we should use to fight each other.
3) How we both desire our marriage to deepen in richness and happiness.
4) How we both have needs, and that is normal, and we want each other to meet each other’s needs.
5) How our marriage has been subpar for many years, and we need to improve it to help our own happiness.
6) How we want to have respect for each other - no more raised voices, yelling, name-calling, hurtful comments, silent treatment, withholding sex.
7) How I am trying to find happiness, to view myself as worthy of respect, to put my needs as important, not just the needs of others, that my pleasure is important as well, which will result in me feeling less resentful, less bottled-up rage, less angry inside.
Sound positive but just a thought, its really not your 'nature' to look at porn, its what you want to do. OH and do you really need to tell her every time you see a women you fancy?? Probably not wise. :|
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,726 Posts
Couple things. FSJ, I can't believe it's been 5 years! You're one of the wisest people on this forum now.

You're walking a fine line telling your wife you enjoy looking at women but will no longer do so. Men look at women. It's how men are wired. To pretend to NOT be wired that way is disingenuous and a lie - and you WILL get caught if you set up some ridiculous statement that you'll never look at another woman again. So be very careful how you discuss this.

If she doesn't like this, point this out to her: Ask any many to describe his wife and the first words will almost always be "she's beautiful." Ask any woman about her husband and she'll say something like he takes care of me, he's loving, he's a good man. Men are visual creatures; it's how we procreated the species in caveman days - they picked the best looking females to mate with, while women picked the strongest men to mate with (to stay alive).

So while it's good that you're now aware and making an effort, don't set yourself up for failure. Don't go moaning 'oh, I'm weak and shallow.' No. You're a man.

And FSJ is right. You said your piece. Now ACT. What plans have you made to hang out with some friend this weekend?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
120 Posts
Discussion Starter #360
You're walking a fine line telling your wife you enjoy looking at women but will no longer do so. Men look at women. It's how men are wired. To pretend to NOT be wired that way is disingenuous and a lie - and you WILL get caught if you set up some ridiculous statement that you'll never look at another woman again. So be very careful how you discuss this.
You are spot on - this is exactly the problem that I have had rolling around in my mind for a long time without being able to articulate it. Ever since I set two boundaries with my wife last night, I have been sharing everything I can with her trying to be transparent, although not talking about my past failings with porn. My concern right now is that she might not like hearing what is going through my mind, my finding other women attractive. I'm caught between transparency with my wife and being a male with a high sex drive and awareness of other women. I told her a few times today already that I found a couple coworkers attractive and how I fled the scene! I have succeeded so far, but what happens if I stare at one with lust in my heart?

I took a walk with some guy friends yesterday. I will be at my brother's house this weekend, so he and I will get some guy time, which will be good.
 
341 - 360 of 382 Posts
Top