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When was I abusive?

I don’t believe in repentance any way. I believe in acting. If you regret something, you say so, apologize, and then change. Repentance to me achieves nothing. But I’m not religious so I cannot say what it would do for others.
I'm sorry, I misread your post and thought you said you were abusive. My bad.

Repentance is not an exclusively religious term. It is about changing one's ways. It is about changing behavior.
 

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I'm sorry, I misread your post and thought you said you were abusive. My bad.

Repentance is not an exclusively religious term. It is about changing one's ways. It is about changing behavior.

Hang on, I think you’re onto something I missed.

Her beliefs are unhealthy. I agree. If OP agrees with this interpretation, would this be helpful to him?

He seems very willing to be judged. Part of the reason I’m advocating for him to leave is that he cannot take farside’s advice without first viewing himself independently from his wife’s judgement of himself - how he exists independently.

Her unhealthy beliefs are projecting into his worldview. It’s distorted. It’s hard to see reality when you’re living with someone that’s abusive.
 

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Hang on, I think you’re onto something I missed.

Her beliefs are unhealthy. I agree. If OP agrees with this interpretation, would this be helpful to him?

He seems very willing to be judged. Part of the reason I’m advocating for him to leave is that he cannot take farside’s advice without first viewing himself independently from his wife’s judgement of himself - how he exists independently.

Her unhealthy beliefs are projecting into his worldview. It’s distorted. It’s hard to see reality when you’re living with someone that’s abusive.
I think both of their distorted beliefs are creating the problems here. Nothing is going to change if beliefs don't change. I don't think her beliefs are projecting into his worldview. Remember those were also his beliefs until fairly recently.

I don't think that all abusers are incorrigible and I don't think she is purposefully trying to manipulate or control him. She is afraid and is trying to get things back to where they were.

DoesItGetBetter?, how was your marriage before your declaration of your change of heart about the Bible?
 

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Discussion Starter #284
Give us a sense on your wife's past willingness to compromise on issues. Is she reasonable and will listen to-and consider- outside viewpoints. Or are things pretty much black-and-white based on her worldview. If she leans to the dogmatic side, your efforts are re-structuring your relationship will be that much more challenging.
My wife is very black and white, very dogmatic. In a nutshell, her paradigm is that all people are horrible, need Jesus to save them, and then need to live according to every moral imperative taught by her by her fundamentalist church growing up.
 

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Discussion Starter #285
#DoesItGetBetter? , Do you think you may be having trouble giving up porn because the porn never rejects or criticizes you? Are you are trying to take control over one little tiny area of your life? If that's what's going on, you have to deal with the critical environment you are living in by setting boundaries and by behaving appropriately yourself. I'm not say that she determines what is or is not appropriate, but of course their are common courtesies and behaviors that are cultural acceptable and not. You are in control of your life, whether you feel like it or not, and are therefore responsible for your behavior and your life. Also some of the books that have been recommended to you talk about what is reasonable in marriage and how to get along with your spouse without losing yourself in the process.
Yes, I like that women in videos never reject me are always available. I'm addicted to the dopamine hit of seeking and finding fantasy, release, pseudo-desire. I feel like doing it often, especially "triggered" when things with my wife are rough. It is a tiny area of my life that I feel that I can control. And yet I am ashamed by it. I am reading NMMNG, so I should get to the boundary part soon. My wife requires that I give it up. I have tried in the past to do so, but I eventually return to it. I am trying again, being "sober" for 1.5 weeks now.
 

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Discussion Starter #286
DoesItGetBetter?, how was your marriage before your declaration of your change of heart about the Bible?
My wife and I have struggled to have a healthy marriage. We typically have some good days, maybe even good weeks, talking to each other, being intimate, doing our jobs. We look like the perfect couple. We put up a front that all is well with us. However, inside there is much strife. My wife has always compared me to the great men in her life (her dad and her brother in law), to which I fail due to differing theology. The pattern is basically I screw up somehow (porn, advocating public school, financial restraint, etc.), and then she criticizes me and my opinions greatly. I usually protest or defend or explain why I did what I did, but that often results in a fight - raised voices, silent treatment, no intimacy. I then change my ways trying to appease her (tried to get rid of the porn [redoing it now], given up the idea of public schools, stopped scrutinizing her spending, going wherever she wants to go, etc.) Honestly, the only thing that I can remember asking her to stop was her anger/outbursts. I am low maintenance, and I have capitulated to almost anything that she wants in an effort to garner her approval and peace in the house. I am realizing now that this has built frustration within me and resentment towards her (thank you Dr. Glover).

As a new piece of information to add, my wife confessed in the past that she has been "having feelings" towards my brother, who is going through a divorce. Basically, his wife stopped sleeping with him, talking to him, and controlled who he was allowed to see or not. My brother has theology that is more in line with my wife's theology. My brother almost always sides with my wife on any matter that he is privy to. Last night, I had a dream that my brother was naked in a bedroom with my clothed wife, and I just happened to see them. Back in reality, we are going to his house to spend the weekend with him, so I am going to be on high alert for any of the signs that my wife might be interested in him.
 

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Wow - thank you for your insights. It is funny that you mention it. My wife comes from a very strict, Fundamentalist background. We are talking women in dresses to the floor (sometimes a few head-coverings), men in suits only, men only leaders, appearance of perfection at all times, keep away from the damned, don't send your kids to public school, go to church, Sunday school, Sunday night service, Wednesday night service, church activities in addition to this, heavy on showing good works, etc...
If that's what she thought you were, too, I can see how she'd be upset that you didn't 'live up' to that sort of dedication. Being THAT committed to what your church tells you to do is very hard to pull off, let alone if your spouse isn't also doing it.

That said, I think she's in the wrong. More later. Need to finish reading.
 

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As a new piece of information to add, my wife confessed in the past that she has been "having feelings" towards my brother, who is going through a divorce. Basically, his wife stopped sleeping with him, talking to him, and controlled who he was allowed to see or not. My brother has theology that is more in line with my wife's theology. My brother almost always sides with my wife on any matter that he is privy to. Last night, I had a dream that my brother was naked in a bedroom with my clothed wife, and I just happened to see them. Back in reality, we are going to his house to spend the weekend with him, so I am going to be on high alert for any of the signs that my wife might be interested in him.
And how does your wife say THAT fits in with her theology? Did she ever hear about the 10 commandments? What is her view on this. Does she also not see the irony that she feels bad about your BROTHER and HIS wife trying to control HIM, and what she is doing to YOU?

You better be VERY aware of this -- do you have access to her phone? Have you had any suspicions of them being together alone? How do you get along with your brother -- do you think he would do that to you?
 

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Discussion Starter #289
And how does your wife say THAT fits in with her theology? Did she ever hear about the 10 commandments? What is her view on this. Does she also not see the irony that she feels bad about your BROTHER and HIS wife trying to control HIM, and what she is doing to YOU?

You better be VERY aware of this -- do you have access to her phone? Have you had any suspicions of them being together alone? How do you get along with your brother -- do you think he would do that to you?
I am very aware of my wife and her relationship with my divorcing brother. I have access to her phone, and have never seen anything suspicious. When she texts him, she includes me, which is very open of her. My wife and my brother are both VERY religious, so an affair would be WAY out of character for them. My brother and I get along wonderfully. I don't think he would do that to me. Having said all of this, I will be on them like a hawk this weekend.
 

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Discussion Starter #291
What about the "shalt not covet thy neighbors wife" -- how does she square her "feelings" for him with that?
You're right - Biblical teaching and my wife "having feelings" for my brother do not reconcile. I've noticed how she acts around him, frequent smiling, attentive to his needs and conversation, often advocating his side in conversations. What annoys me is that while I do so much for her, she seems to treat my brother, who does nothing for her, how I want her to treat me.
 

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You're right - Biblical teaching and my wife "having feelings" for my brother do not reconcile. I've noticed how she acts around him, frequent smiling, attentive to his needs and conversation, often advocating his side in conversations. What annoys me is that while I do so much for her, she seems to treat my brother, who does nothing for her, how I want her to treat me.
Have you told her this?
 

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My wife is very black and white, very dogmatic. In a nutshell, her paradigm is that all people are horrible, need Jesus to save them, and then need to live according to every moral imperative taught by her by her fundamentalist church growing up.
I could never, ever be with someone like that.

I guess we have never heard the story of how you met, how long you dated and the qualities that caught your attention in the first place. Does she still hold some of those characteristics, or is she still the same woman you married - and it's only you that has changed?

Second question: What is causing the brother's divorce? Does it happen to be discord on theology there, as well?
 

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My wife has locked me out of our laptop at home, so I am limited on internet things. Do you think that is a problem, and should I insist to be given access again? I did buy the laptop and internet service after all... Maybe I should find a hobby.
Excuse me? What are you, 3 years old? You don't insist on anything. You TELL her to unlock the internet and when she refuses, you go call AT&T or somebody and have them come out and set up a new one just for you.
 

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You're right - Biblical teaching and my wife "having feelings" for my brother do not reconcile. I've noticed how she acts around him, frequent smiling, attentive to his needs and conversation, often advocating his side in conversations. What annoys me is that while I do so much for her, she seems to treat my brother, who does nothing for her, how I want her to treat me.
Psssht, let them have each other. Then you can go live like a normal person with free will.
 

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Last week was good week for us, in the sense that my wife did not get mad at me. I specifically increased my communication, told her I loved her more than normal, more hugs, etc. All of this shows that I am okay with my current marital dynamic, but I am not. I need her to stop getting mad at me. I need us to live in peace with each other.

I do want unrestricted access to a computer, so I would like to see that change. However, what if I lust after other women at some point with it (almost a guarantee)? I don't want to hurt or upset my wife. This is the only reason I did not run down to Best Buy and pick one up over the weekend.
Lots of stuff in two paragraphs. You count a week good just because your wife doesn't get mad? Would you have kept dating her had you known that your only joy in life was from not getting yelled at?

She was only nice because you complimented her more. Were you not complimenting her at all before? If so, how would YOU feel if she never showed admiration for YOU? That said, if the only way to get her to be nice to you is to flatter her, you have a problem.

Are you going to a therapist to figure out why you're driven to porn? I suggest it has something to do with you being treated like a 3rd child, thus you are reverting to a 12 year old boy's way of relieving stress and gaining pleasure. Grown men don't need that crap. Grown men don't let their wives walk all over them; they simply don't tolerate it.

Did you buy Hold On To Your N.U.T.s yet?
 

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Thank you - many good points. I mainly use my phone to browse a social media website that has a little of it, buried. On rare occasion, I use a computer in the home that she does not know can access any website. Honestly, I would like to just be done with it and have full transparency with my wife. However, sometimes we fight and withhold sex, and then especially I want/need an outlet... thus my predicament.
fwiw, you can survive without (hand) sex for a week, a month, even a few months. What's it worth to you to be a man with integrity?
 

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I agree - the "P" usage is my fault.

I am afraid of her displeasure. I no longer believe the Bible, and that has upset her greatly, so I am a dissapointment to her here. My wife wants me to lead the family in spiritual matters, but I no longer hold to my old theology, making my futile in this area.

I agree that I have a happiness problem, and I am trying to figure out what I want out of life in general. I'm going through No More Mr. Nice Guy right now to learn how I ended up here.
Even if you don't believe in the Bible, you likely believe in its tenets - godliness, forgiveness, integrity, helping others, prayers, etc.? Teach that to your children. You don't have to read the Bible to them. Heck, even if you're Agnostic or Atheist, you should believe in those things. Just lead your kids by talking about how to be good people.
 

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Discussion Starter #300
I could never, ever be with someone like that.

I guess we have never heard the story of how you met, how long you dated and the qualities that caught your attention in the first place. Does she still hold some of those characteristics, or is she still the same woman you married - and it's only you that has changed?

Second question: What is causing the brother's divorce? Does it happen to be discord on theology there, as well?
We met through a church outing in her home state. We dated for ~6 months long distance, with a handful of personal visits in there. We found each other attractive. We both claimed Christianity. I thought she would be a good, faithful wife and mother for my kids. I started changing my theology over the years of marriage.

My brother married a woman who limited his access to family and friends, who had a spending problem, who could not accept anyone else's opinion than her own, who stopped sleeping with him, who stopped talking to him, who hired a private investigator on him (finding no affair), who refused to ever admit that she was wrong (maybe one or two apologies over the years of marriage).
 
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