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Discussion Starter #221
I’m glad to hear that you have stopped the porn. I think you will need to have porn blocking software on your computer.

Since this is an area of contention in your marriage, it is something that you should speak to your wife about and come to a resolution together. She cannot dictate to you how you are to live your life, but you two are married and should always consider each other and seek to be loving in your interactions. You are not your wife’s boss and she isn’t your boss. The two of you should work together to come to conclusions and resolve issues.

Your wife has been hurt by your porn usage and doesn’t want you on the internet. She is trying to control her life, but in the process is being controlling of you. This is not healthy for either of you and should be discussed. How are you going to earn her trust and what can you do to freely use the internet without making her worried sick that you are lusting after other women rather than forsaking all others for her alone? That is something that the two of you should work on together. Maybe seek marriage counseling to work through that together? You don’t want to feel like you are married to your mother and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want you to feel that way either. She does, however, want you to have eyes only for her and to be trustworthy. But you have to prove that on your own by being trustworthy rather than by her trying to control the situation to keep you in line so she feels safe.

The No More Mr. Nice Guy book will clearly lay out a lot of what your issues are, but I think his prescription is highly self-serving and not geared towards relationship building. I think the first part of the book is very good, but the second half is mostly trash. NMMNG is not about working with a partner to resolve relationship issues, but to learn how to become more self-centered, which I believe is an unhealthy way to live. Read to seek understanding of the issues, but if you implement his recommendation, your marriage will likely fail. For example, Glover recommends stopping partnered sex to focus on masturbation in order to learn about yourself. If my husband were to do something like that, I would assume that my husband wasn’t truly concerned with me or my needs and it would have profoundly negative consequences in our marriage.

How were viewing porn if you don’t use your phone and don’t have a home computer to use?
Thank you - many good points. I mainly use my phone to browse a social media website that has a little of it, buried. On rare occasion, I use a computer in the home that she does not know can access any website. Honestly, I would like to just be done with it and have full transparency with my wife. However, sometimes we fight and withhold sex, and then especially I want/need an outlet... thus my predicament.
 

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Discussion Starter #222
I'm sorry to jump in here, but I have gathered from your posts that your wife has a rather traditional view of marriage where she expects you to be the leader in the household. In regards to asking her for access to the computer, I do not think your wife would respect this approach.

Personally, I prefer to see a marriage as an equal partnership, and even with this view, I would not be asking for access to my computer, I would be stating that this is what was going to happen. While I will accept and consider reasonable requests, I will not accept being treated like a child.

She has made a reasonable request that you stop using porn. From that point it was up to you to stop, not up to her to force it.

You seem cowed because of her temper. There is a point where you will need to start asserting yourself more, as other people have already said.

I have to wonder if part of your loss of faith in your religion is because you do not feel like you fit the mould of the traditional patriarch. Your wife seems to have become the head of the household despite her religion that says she should be subservient. How does she reconcile this? Maybe feeling like she has to be the boss (I'm not saying this is fair, if that's what she feels) and take control is what is really getting under her skin. I might be totally off base since I'm not religious myself.
Yes, my wife has a very traditional view of marriage and expects me to be the leader. I agree with you that she is irked that I don't lead how she wants me to.

I will most likely be demanding unrestricted use of the computer soon, which will inevitably lead to an epic fight and how terrible of a man I am for having looked at other women in the past. I will likely swear off it, only to glance there again in weakness, hiding my shame from her. Maybe if my wife and I had a good relationship, I would not be so tempted by videos, but when we fight and withhold sex they are very alluring to me. I'm listening to No More Mr. Nice Guy, which I hope will help me realize that I have been trying to please her and hide anything that she does not approve of, only to leave me unfulfilled, unhappy, and still in a difficult marriage.
 

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Your relationship status is not the reason for porn use.

Your wife's disappointment with you is not the reason for porn use.

Your choices are the reason for porn use...your need to escape and run from confrontation rather than accepting it as a natural, necessary part of life.

When you embrace and confront reality, your need to escape it will diminish.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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Discussion Starter #224
Your relationship status is not the reason for porn use.

Your wife's disappointment with you is not the reason for porn use.

Your choices are the reason for porn use...your need to escape and run from confrontation rather than accepting it as a natural, necessary part of life.

When you embrace and confront reality, your need to escape it will diminish.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
True - I viewed it before and after marriage, during good times and bad. Could you please expound on what exactly I need to confront?
 

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I am a bit late to this party and I like @elles comments in particular.

You are both young and at this stage is marriage it is sometimes tough even when you are on the same page. The 'seven year itch' was not coined for nothing!

You do not spend/invest enough time in each other in terms of dates, one on one, etc.
You pulled a bait and switch, she married a devout Christian and is now lumbered with a porn watching, alcohol drinking, part time church goer, so yes she has lots to complain about.
In addition you have three kids who need a leader, she cannot do it alone.
The thing you have to remember is that your wife is frustrated, filled with resentment hence leading to the disrespectful belittling of you which is a vicious cycle.

I think this is fixable if you both do the work. You should both listen to Dr Eggerrich Love and Respect Podcasts. Your wife needs to know she cannot control you, and can only take care of her side of the road. Ask her to talk to a women's group about this and perhaps read the Respect Dare.
As for you, you need to shape up, you could lose your family. if you are having a crisis of faith go join a man's accountability group of similar group. You should read the Love Dare
 

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Starfires - I came here to share what is going on in my world and try to make sense of it, to try to improve my lot in life, to hear the perspectives of others, to change if needed. I agree with another poster who said that my wife and I struggle with control issues. I think we both share some of the blame for the current, poor state of the marriage, but I feel like you are putting the blame 100% on me. Please stop suggesting that I am mentally or emotionally damaged goods, who needs to be "treated." By the way, your suggestion to tell my wife that I love her was a good one, and she appreciated it.
Why can't you sit her down, hold her hands look lovingly into her eyes and tell her what you are telling us, how you struggle with your faith (we all struggle here and there), how you find it difficult to follow the precepts and crucify the flesh, how you wish you could be everything she wants you to be but you are a sinner, ask her to pray for you. Tell her the positive things, you are still in love with her, you still love your family, you still want to be together, still want to go to church, still want to bring up the children to be the best human beings they can be. Promise you will work on one thing she asks of you, and she must promise she works on something. I doubt your wife expects you to be perfect, she just needs reassurance that all else will not fall by the wayside.
I suspect if you do not follow Christian living, she thinks you may end up drinking too much, having an affair, as there is no boundary now, this is all playing on her mind. Men lose the religious conventions when they want to do whatever they want (which will usually be negative stuff). Her fear is realistic.
You both have to work on love and respect (I posted earlier about this). Your wife is hurting causing her to be resentful, ensure that resentment does not become bitterness as it will close down communication.
 

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I agree that she loves me and is trying to point out my problems to fix me. I told her the other month that her getting mad for no good reason (maybe I wore the wrong clothing to church, maybe I wasn't moving quickly enough through the house, or maybe there was nothing that I did) was not helping anything between us and actually making the relationship worse. This seemed to hit her, and she mentioned later that it was actually correct. Can you please elaborate more about personal power, what it is, and what I can do to take it back?
I think your wife needs to learn about the power of respect. It is more important to you than love.

Explain to her that when she shouts at you (regardless of whether she has a reason) it is disrespectful and undermines your love for her.

https://www.loveandrespectpodcast.com/
 

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Does, I haven't posted in your thread before, but as a guy that has struggled with a sexless marriage, porn use, infidelity, Christianity, and so forth, I want to say a couple things to you.

First, your sin is yours. Stop blaming your wife for why you want to look at porn. It isn't her fault, no matter what the dynamic in the relationship is. Just like it is never a spouses fault if the other cheats, it is a choice made by the cheater. Until you own it, it will own you.

Second, what are you afraid of with your wife? Why can you not be the person she wants you to be, because I think you want to be that person as well. You want to be strong, you want to lead your family, you want to have passionate sex with your wife and you want her to be receptive to it. She wants those things as well I would guess, and she is frustrated that she has to take on roles that she thinks you should do.

Lastly, and this goes sort of back to the first, you are the only one that can make you happy. Life comes at you, and you cannot control it. Even if your wife was everything you wished her to be, she will still get sick, be tired, go out of town. How you respond to those circumstances determine if you will be happy and the kind of man you are. If your first move is to use every obstacle as an excuse to indulge in your sin, then what kind of person are you?

These are all things that I struggle with as well. Why is it hard to be the person I want to be and should be! Everyday is a chance to be that person and to mold yourself into a better person. Don't waste it hiding in the bathroom jerking off.
 

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Discussion Starter #229
I am a bit late to this party and I like @elles comments in particular.

You are both young and at this stage is marriage it is sometimes tough even when you are on the same page. The 'seven year itch' was not coined for nothing!

You do not spend/invest enough time in each other in terms of dates, one on one, etc.
You pulled a bait and switch, she married a devout Christian and is now lumbered with a porn watching, alcohol drinking, part time church goer, so yes she has lots to complain about.
In addition you have three kids who need a leader, she cannot do it alone.
The thing you have to remember is that your wife is frustrated, filled with resentment hence leading to the disrespectful belittling of you which is a vicious cycle.

I think this is fixable if you both do the work. You should both listen to Dr Eggerrich Love and Respect Podcasts. Your wife needs to know she cannot control you, and can only take care of her side of the road. Ask her to talk to a women's group about this and perhaps read the Respect Dare.
As for you, you need to shape up, you could lose your family. if you are having a crisis of faith go join a man's accountability group of similar group. You should read the Love Dare
Thank you for your comments. We can't spend much time together on dates due to our kids. At most, we can try to for one or two dates per month. I did not pull a bait and switch, as I honestly believed it when we married and for years into our marriage. Only recently am I realizing that I can't honestly believe the faith that I have been taught my whole life. The "P" issue is limited to a few minutes per week, but I can try to give that up again. As for alcohol, I bought a six pack ONE TIME, so I am not an alcoholic. I still go to church every sunday, although I skipped one time when we were fighting.

I asked her to go to a women's group years ago, and she went one time. She demanded that I attend a men's group, and I attended for years.
 

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Is this a blessing? Or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
Is it richer than diamonds?
Or just a little cheaper than spit?
 

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Discussion Starter #231
Why can't you sit her down, hold her hands look lovingly into her eyes and tell her what you are telling us, how you struggle with your faith (we all struggle here and there), how you find it difficult to follow the precepts and crucify the flesh, how you wish you could be everything she wants you to be but you are a sinner, ask her to pray for you. Tell her the positive things, you are still in love with her, you still love your family, you still want to be together, still want to go to church, still want to bring up the children to be the best human beings they can be. Promise you will work on one thing she asks of you, and she must promise she works on something. I doubt your wife expects you to be perfect, she just needs reassurance that all else will not fall by the wayside.
I suspect if you do not follow Christian living, she thinks you may end up drinking too much, having an affair, as there is no boundary now, this is all playing on her mind. Men lose the religious conventions when they want to do whatever they want (which will usually be negative stuff). Her fear is realistic.
You both have to work on love and respect (I posted earlier about this). Your wife is hurting causing her to be resentful, ensure that resentment does not become bitterness as it will close down communication.
Good advice - I think that I have said these types of things many times, but I can do it again soon. I can't do too much all of a sudden, as she is already seeing some changes in me, and I don't want her to get suspicious.
 

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Discussion Starter #232
Does, I haven't posted in your thread before, but as a guy that has struggled with a sexless marriage, porn use, infidelity, Christianity, and so forth, I want to say a couple things to you.

First, your sin is yours. Stop blaming your wife for why you want to look at porn. It isn't her fault, no matter what the dynamic in the relationship is. Just like it is never a spouses fault if the other cheats, it is a choice made by the cheater. Until you own it, it will own you.

Second, what are you afraid of with your wife? Why can you not be the person she wants you to be, because I think you want to be that person as well. You want to be strong, you want to lead your family, you want to have passionate sex with your wife and you want her to be receptive to it. She wants those things as well I would guess, and she is frustrated that she has to take on roles that she thinks you should do.

Lastly, and this goes sort of back to the first, you are the only one that can make you happy. Life comes at you, and you cannot control it. Even if your wife was everything you wished her to be, she will still get sick, be tired, go out of town. How you respond to those circumstances determine if you will be happy and the kind of man you are. If your first move is to use every obstacle as an excuse to indulge in your sin, then what kind of person are you?

These are all things that I struggle with as well. Why is it hard to be the person I want to be and should be! Everyday is a chance to be that person and to mold yourself into a better person. Don't waste it hiding in the bathroom jerking off.
I agree - the "P" usage is my fault.

I am afraid of her displeasure. I no longer believe the Bible, and that has upset her greatly, so I am a dissapointment to her here. My wife wants me to lead the family in spiritual matters, but I no longer hold to my old theology, making my futile in this area.

I agree that I have a happiness problem, and I am trying to figure out what I want out of life in general. I'm going through No More Mr. Nice Guy right now to learn how I ended up here.
 

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So what is your theology now? Was there a moment when it changed? Do you feel you never really believed any of it, but went a long with it because other people wanted you to?

When you say you are afraid of her displeasure, it sounds so much like me. I became obsessed with making my wife happy and insulating her from everything I could. I created high levels of anxiety in myself trying to control situations, to optimize our chances of having sex, because she was in a better mood. Overtime, I developed obsessive/compulsive behaviors and fears that were irrational.

By trying to make her as happy as I could, I was making her unhappy as well. She could sense the tension in me, she could never live up to what I was trying to create in her and she couldn't be happy just because I wanted her to be. Just like you cannot be happy because your wife wants you to be, only you can make yourself happy.

The marriage was miserable a lot of the time, with thick tension, inaction on my part, quick temper with our son, all under the guise of protecting her. Ultimately it was my selfishness that was causing it all, it had little to do with her at all.
 

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Discussion Starter #234
So what is your theology now? Was there a moment when it changed? Do you feel you never really believed any of it, but went a long with it because other people wanted you to?

When you say you are afraid of her displeasure, it sounds so much like me. I became obsessed with making my wife happy and insulating her from everything I could. I created high levels of anxiety in myself trying to control situations, to optimize our chances of having sex, because she was in a better mood. Overtime, I developed obsessive/compulsive behaviors and fears that were irrational.

By trying to make her as happy as I could, I was making her unhappy as well. She could sense the tension in me, she could never live up to what I was trying to create in her and she couldn't be happy just because I wanted her to be. Just like you cannot be happy because your wife wants you to be, only you can make yourself happy.

The marriage was miserable a lot of the time, with thick tension, inaction on my part, quick temper with our son, all under the guise of protecting her. Ultimately it was my selfishness that was causing it all, it had little to do with her at all.
Thank you for sharing - we have some commonalities. I'm agnostic - one cannot really know what happens or doesn't happen after death until one is there. I was brought up with a specific theology, so I believed it. I started having doubts years ago, but only last year or so decided it was too much to take. I'm finding relief from the constant refrain of guilt in my mind, "oh no, how am I sinning now?"
 

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That sounds like a pretty rough theology if it was just a constant guilt streak. I would caution you that if you feel you are doing things you should not and are just looking to remove the guilt, it won't go away. Unto thine own self be true.
 

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Discussion Starter #237
so, the OP has lost his faith, drinks a bit occasionally and watches a bit of porn occasionally... wow, he really is a bad man...
LOL - I bought one six pack and drank it over the course of one week :grin2:

I am trying to accept myself for who I am and not be so hard on myself. However, I can try to cut the "P" again, as my wife has a BIG problem with it.
 

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Good advice - I think that I have said these types of things many times, but I can do it again soon. I can't do too much all of a sudden, as she is already seeing some changes in me, and I don't want her to get suspicious.
Remember, don't reveal to your wife that you're reading / adopting NMMNG. To do so would be just another form of approval seeking and counter-productive. If she quizzes you on changes of behavior, just say that you're focusing more effort on long overdue self-improvement efforts.
 

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Thank you for your comments. We can't spend much time together on dates due to our kids. At most, we can try to for one or two dates per month. I did not pull a bait and switch, as I honestly believed it when we married and for years into our marriage. Only recently am I realizing that I can't honestly believe the faith that I have been taught my whole life. The "P" issue is limited to a few minutes per week, but I can try to give that up again. As for alcohol, I bought a six pack ONE TIME, so I am not an alcoholic. I still go to church every sunday, although I skipped one time when we were fighting.

I asked her to go to a women's group years ago, and she went one time. She demanded that I attend a men's group, and I attended for years.
Just for the record, I don't think you pulled a bait n switch. I think people change over time and we don't all necessarily stick with the same beliefs and opinions we have handed to us in our childhood. I also think that it can take years, decades even, before people sift through what fits them and what doesn't. Nobody knows the future. We should be told at the start of a relationship I think, because we're mostly too naive/stupid the first time around to realise it for ourselves, that the person you are marrying will change, that nothing is set in stone. Personally I'd rather be with someone who grows and adapts, than someone who stagnates.
 
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