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After skimming through like 14 pages of pure hell, the one thought that kept going through my mind is, "why the hell is the OP trying SO damned hard to cling like grim death to such a dismal, unhappy, tyrannical, joyless, depressing, puritanical woman?

I don't get it.

Love (or co-dependency which would explain this train-wreck) is blind, I guess.


ETA: Not for nuthin' OP, but in a lot of states, once you're married for 10 years, that entitles your wife to part of your retirement. Just sayin'.
 

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Discussion Starter #202
why would you shower someone with compliments who is okay with treating you like a child? In so doing, your actions are showing her that you are okay with your current marital dynamic. Are you?
Good point - Last week was good week for us, in the sense that my wife did not get mad at me. I specifically increased my communication, told her I loved her more than normal, more hugs, etc. All of this shows that I am okay with my current marital dynamic, but I am not. I need her to stop getting mad at me. I need us to live in peace with each other.

I do want unrestricted access to a computer, so I would like to see that change. However, what if I lust after other women at some point with it (almost a guarantee)? I don't want to hurt or upset my wife. This is the only reason I did not run down to Best Buy and pick one up over the weekend.
 

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Discussion Starter #203
After skimming through like 14 pages of pure hell, the one thought that kept going through my mind is, "why the hell is the OP trying SO damned hard to cling like grim death to such a dismal, unhappy, tyrannical, joyless, depressing, puritanical woman?

I don't get it.

Love (or co-dependency which would explain this train-wreck) is blind, I guess.


ETA: Not for nuthin' OP, but in a lot of states, once you're married for 10 years, that entitles your wife to part of your retirement. Just sayin'.
Ha! I am stuck in a rut, but it is a familiar rut. I have three kids with her. I swore an oath to her. How do I know that my life without her will be better that my life with her? I'm scared of the unknown. Also, we had a good week, which is a breath of fresh air.
 

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Good point - Last week was good week for us, in the sense that my wife did not get mad at me. I specifically increased my communication, told her I loved her more than normal, more hugs, etc. All of this shows that I am okay with my current marital dynamic, but I am not. I need her to stop getting mad at me. I need us to live in peace with each other.

I do want unrestricted access to a computer, so I would like to see that change. However, what if I lust after other women at some point with it (almost a guarantee)? I don't want to hurt or upset my wife. This is the only reason I did not run down to Best Buy and pick one up over the weekend.
Number one, neither of you is going to die if the woman gets upset. You have GOT to stop being afraid to upset her! That is why you are here in the first place! You have every right to access a computer whenever you want, and making it happen is one way to finally assert yourself. (Just stay off the porn sites, it really isnt difficult, and doing so proves her wrong ;) ) And as long as you dont act upon any "lust for other women" you will be fine! All of us have some kind of attraction or lust for others at some point, whether someone we know or a picture out in cyberspace or a celebrity on tv. We are living humans, it happens. It is all about what you DO with/about it that counts, and most of us just carry on with our lives and dont put any importance on those fleeting thoughts. You arent dead, man.
 

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I guess I don't understand the computer thing ( her taking away the access). You are here posting. I assume you have a phone? You and your wife know you can access porn from your phone, right? So why do you have access to a phone but not the computer? Help me understand, then I have more comments...
 

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Put anti-porn software on the computer. Have your wife install it. Speak to your wife about the computer and let her know what's happening. If you either hide it from her or drop it on her without letting her know what's going on, she will think you don't care about her.

Stop worrying about making your wife upset and start learning to communicate with each other in a loving healthy manner.

Have you purchased any of the recommended books? You need to understand the why behind recommendations if you are going to implement them effectively and you need to have your wife on the same page if you want to work things out with her.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk
 

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I guess I don't understand the computer thing ( her taking away the access). You are here posting. I assume you have a phone? You and your wife know you can access porn from your phone, right? So why do you have access to a phone but not the computer? Help me understand, then I have more comments...
Of course he is posting on his phone or his other computer... :wink2:
 

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Good point - Last week was good week for us, in the sense that my wife did not get mad at me. I specifically increased my communication, told her I loved her more than normal, more hugs, etc. All of this shows that I am okay with my current marital dynamic, but I am not. I need her to stop getting mad at me. I need us to live in peace with each other.

I do want unrestricted access to a computer, so I would like to see that change. However, what if I lust after other women at some point with it (almost a guarantee)? I don't want to hurt or upset my wife. This is the only reason I did not run down to Best Buy and pick one up over the weekend.
OK, so in the past week you have proven that you can still be "perfect" enough that she won't get mad at you for a given period of time. I understand how these weeks of calm can be appreciated amidst a steady stream of marital rancor.

I might point out, however, that - in No More Mr. Nice Guy terms - that your emotional hose is still firmly attached. Specifically, you defined the week as "good" because the wife did not get mad at you. That is the very definition of basing your happiness on your wife's happiness.

What have you done in the past week to clean up your side of the street, to make yourself a better partner for your wife? (And, no, I'm not talking about "wife-pleasing" actions like hugging her more. That's good in a typical relationship, but your main problem is that you use your actions to manipulate outcomes. You hug more so that she won't get mad at you. The outcome that you seek is just as important as the action itself.

I recognize that you have "lost yourself" while attempting to be the wife-pleasing husband that bases his happiness solely on her happiness. It's easy to let yourself fall back in that rut, and you might even have a good month. But you know - and I know - that it's not going to last. Ultimately, you're going to rock the boat in a way that makes her unhappy and that will - in turn - make you unhappy.

So, you have two choices, either you can begin taking small steps to work on yourself (it's a long, multi-year journey with lots of backward steps along the way) or you can keep on doing what you're doing. If you maintain the status quo, you trade long-term authenticity for short-term peace. The only guarantee in carrying on in current mode is that you will grow increasingly miserable as you placate and manipulate to stay in the good graces of your wife - who becomes the only arbiter of your happiness.

You don't have to revolutionize your life overnight. But you have to start taking small steps. Have you explored buying "No More Mr. Nice Guy" yet. If not inclined to buy it, you might make yourself familiar with the No More Mr. Nice Guy forum (which can be found if you google it.) Until / unless you start taking steps to addressing the roots of your own problems will you be able to address the problems in the relationship. You can go on surviving meekly week-to-week, or you put yourself on the path to authenticity. Your call.
 

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Discussion Starter #211
Number one, neither of you is going to die if the woman gets upset. You have GOT to stop being afraid to upset her! That is why you are here in the first place! You have every right to access a computer whenever you want, and making it happen is one way to finally assert yourself. (Just stay off the porn sites, it really isnt difficult, and doing so proves her wrong ;) ) And as long as you dont act upon any "lust for other women" you will be fine! All of us have some kind of attraction or lust for others at some point, whether someone we know or a picture out in cyberspace or a celebrity on tv. We are living humans, it happens. It is all about what you DO with/about it that counts, and most of us just carry on with our lives and dont put any importance on those fleeting thoughts. You arent dead, man.
I agree - I have been "sober" for over one week now, so I may ask for access to the computer again soon. What if she says no? Someone said that I should just buy a personal computer for myself if it comes down to it! I will just have to train myself to keep away from anything tempting online.
 

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Discussion Starter #212
I guess I don't understand the computer thing ( her taking away the access). You are here posting. I assume you have a phone? You and your wife know you can access porn from your phone, right? So why do you have access to a phone but not the computer? Help me understand, then I have more comments...
Yes, I have a phone with internet connection, but it is work-related, restricted to only safe sites.
 

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Discussion Starter #213
Put anti-porn software on the computer. Have your wife install it. Speak to your wife about the computer and let her know what's happening. If you either hide it from her or drop it on her without letting her know what's going on, she will think you don't care about her.

Stop worrying about making your wife upset and start learning to communicate with each other in a loving healthy manner.

Have you purchased any of the recommended books? You need to understand the why behind recommendations if you are going to implement them effectively and you need to have your wife on the same page if you want to work things out with her.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk
Thanks - the software might work. I read a few previews of the books online, along with reviews. I plan on going to the library soon to see if I can check them out.
 

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Discussion Starter #214
OK, so in the past week you have proven that you can still be "perfect" enough that she won't get mad at you for a given period of time. I understand how these weeks of calm can be appreciated amidst a steady stream of marital rancor.

I might point out, however, that - in No More Mr. Nice Guy terms - that your emotional hose is still firmly attached. Specifically, you defined the week as "good" because the wife did not get mad at you. That is the very definition of basing your happiness on your wife's happiness.

What have you done in the past week to clean up your side of the street, to make yourself a better partner for your wife? (And, no, I'm not talking about "wife-pleasing" actions like hugging her more. That's good in a typical relationship, but your main problem is that you use your actions to manipulate outcomes. You hug more so that she won't get mad at you. The outcome that you seek is just as important as the action itself.

I recognize that you have "lost yourself" while attempting to be the wife-pleasing husband that bases his happiness solely on her happiness. It's easy to let yourself fall back in that rut, and you might even have a good month. But you know - and I know - that it's not going to last. Ultimately, you're going to rock the boat in a way that makes her unhappy and that will - in turn - make you unhappy.

So, you have two choices, either you can begin taking small steps to work on yourself (it's a long, multi-year journey with lots of backward steps along the way) or you can keep on doing what you're doing. If you maintain the status quo, you trade long-term authenticity for short-term peace. The only guarantee in carrying on in current mode is that you will grow increasingly miserable as you placate and manipulate to stay in the good graces of your wife - who becomes the only arbiter of your happiness.

You don't have to revolutionize your life overnight. But you have to start taking small steps. Have you explored buying "No More Mr. Nice Guy" yet. If not inclined to buy it, you might make yourself familiar with the No More Mr. Nice Guy forum (which can be found if you google it.) Until / unless you start taking steps to addressing the roots of your own problems will you be able to address the problems in the relationship. You can go on surviving meekly week-to-week, or you put yourself on the path to authenticity. Your call.
The preview that I read from NMMNG described me almost perfectly. I'm scared of the idea of authenticity, especially if my wife doesn't like who I am, the coming confrontation with her, how it will all play out. I'm going to look for some of the books at the library soon.

Over the past week, I increased communications, touching, and kissing. You are right - I am doing this so that she will be happier, and therefore I will be happier because we will not be fighting. I talked with her about Non-negotiable Unalterable Terms (NUT), and I shared that having a marriage with respect, talking, sex, no-name calling, no yelling, is my NUT for right now. She seemed to respect that.
 

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I agree - I have been "sober" for over one week now, so I may ask for access to the computer again soon. What if she says no? Someone said that I should just buy a personal computer for myself if it comes down to it! I will just have to train myself to keep away from anything tempting online.
You dont ASK! She is NOT YOUR MOTHER! What if she says no... REALLY??
 

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The preview that I read from NMMNG described me almost perfectly. I'm scared of the idea of authenticity, especially if my wife doesn't like who I am, the coming confrontation with her, how it will all play out. I'm going to look for some of the books at the library soon.

Over the past week, I increased communications, touching, and kissing. You are right - I am doing this so that she will be happier, and therefore I will be happier because we will not be fighting. I talked with her about Non-negotiable Unalterable Terms (NUT), and I shared that having a marriage with respect, talking, sex, no-name calling, no yelling, is my NUT for right now. She seemed to respect that.
Free downloads to NMMNG are relatively widely available online.

One thing to remember, this is your journey. You really have to let your actions do the talking. You clearly state what you are willing and unwilling to accept. You also set consequences for what will happen if your boundaries are violated. You become a predictable vending machine. She does "X" and "Y" will happen.

I get the fear about upending life's apple cart. But the path to authenticity requires an iterative process over time, not an overnight flash cut. You could always abandon ship mid-course and go back to being a wife-pleasing push-over. (Though I don't know why you would want that.) Remember,the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result. Time to start your journey to self-improvement and let the chips fall where they may.
 

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I agree - I have been "sober" for over one week now, so I may ask for access to the computer again soon. What if she says no? Someone said that I should just buy a personal computer for myself if it comes down to it! I will just have to train myself to keep away from anything tempting online.
I’m glad to hear that you have stopped the porn. I think you will need to have porn blocking software on your computer.

Since this is an area of contention in your marriage, it is something that you should speak to your wife about and come to a resolution together. She cannot dictate to you how you are to live your life, but you two are married and should always consider each other and seek to be loving in your interactions. You are not your wife’s boss and she isn’t your boss. The two of you should work together to come to conclusions and resolve issues.

Your wife has been hurt by your porn usage and doesn’t want you on the internet. She is trying to control her life, but in the process is being controlling of you. This is not healthy for either of you and should be discussed. How are you going to earn her trust and what can you do to freely use the internet without making her worried sick that you are lusting after other women rather than forsaking all others for her alone? That is something that the two of you should work on together. Maybe seek marriage counseling to work through that together? You don’t want to feel like you are married to your mother and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want you to feel that way either. She does, however, want you to have eyes only for her and to be trustworthy. But you have to prove that on your own by being trustworthy rather than by her trying to control the situation to keep you in line so she feels safe.

The No More Mr. Nice Guy book will clearly lay out a lot of what your issues are, but I think his prescription is highly self-serving and not geared towards relationship building. I think the first part of the book is very good, but the second half is mostly trash. NMMNG is not about working with a partner to resolve relationship issues, but to learn how to become more self-centered, which I believe is an unhealthy way to live. Read to seek understanding of the issues, but if you implement his recommendation, your marriage will likely fail. For example, Glover recommends stopping partnered sex to focus on masturbation in order to learn about yourself. If my husband were to do something like that, I would assume that my husband wasn’t truly concerned with me or my needs and it would have profoundly negative consequences in our marriage.

Yes, I have a phone with internet connection, but it is work-related, restricted to only safe sites.
How were viewing porn if you don’t use your phone and don’t have a home computer to use?
 

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I agree - I have been "sober" for over one week now, so I may ask for access to the computer again soon. What if she says no? Someone said that I should just buy a personal computer for myself if it comes down to it! I will just have to train myself to keep away from anything tempting online.
I'm sorry to jump in here, but I have gathered from your posts that your wife has a rather traditional view of marriage where she expects you to be the leader in the household. In regards to asking her for access to the computer, I do not think your wife would respect this approach.

Personally, I prefer to see a marriage as an equal partnership, and even with this view, I would not be asking for access to my computer, I would be stating that this is what was going to happen. While I will accept and consider reasonable requests, I will not accept being treated like a child.

She has made a reasonable request that you stop using porn. From that point it was up to you to stop, not up to her to force it.

You seem cowed because of her temper. There is a point where you will need to start asserting yourself more, as other people have already said.

I have to wonder if part of your loss of faith in your religion is because you do not feel like you fit the mould of the traditional patriarch. Your wife seems to have become the head of the household despite her religion that says she should be subservient. How does she reconcile this? Maybe feeling like she has to be the boss (I'm not saying this is fair, if that's what she feels) and take control is what is really getting under her skin. I might be totally off base since I'm not religious myself.
 

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Discussion Starter #220
Free downloads to NMMNG are relatively widely available online.

One thing to remember, this is your journey. You really have to let your actions do the talking. You clearly state what you are willing and unwilling to accept. You also set consequences for what will happen if your boundaries are violated. You become a predictable vending machine. She does "X" and "Y" will happen.

I get the fear about upending life's apple cart. But the path to authenticity requires an iterative process over time, not an overnight flash cut. You could always abandon ship mid-course and go back to being a wife-pleasing push-over. (Though I don't know why you would want that.) Remember,the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result. Time to start your journey to self-improvement and let the chips fall where they may.
I got a CD of NMMNG from the library and am listening to it. The author seems to be writing about my exact situation! I get why you recommended it - bravo. I'm going to ease my way into any changes. My wife already suspects something is up with me. I need to hear what the author proposes be done about the Nice Guy Syndrome.
 
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