Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My husband is caring and thoughtful. He makes me breakfast in the morning, cleans the house during the day, and makes dinner at night.

But I would give all that up if he would just get a job….

We have been married six and a half years. Everything was fine until about a year and a half ago, when he left his job because he didn’t like a coworker. He took the summer off and returned to school in the fall – we had been planning that he return to school, once I finished and got a good job.

All was well. Then after the first semester he decided his chosen major was too hard, and switched. Remember, he’s not working, and I’m paying for his tuition. This is fine, my salary is more than he was making, and though we don’t have saving I want him to discover what he wants to do with his life. Then we buy a house, and I tell him he needs to get a part time job for us to afford it. He says he will.

He doesn’t even look for a job. Second semester goes by, I try to be supportive. As and Bs, wow, you get a treat! I’m acting like he’s my child, and he’s fine with that.

Summer comes. I hate my job. There is a woman at my work that is making my life a living hell to get her jollies, and she’s my bosses boss and there is nothing I can do (really, nothing). I feel trapped, but the economy is crap and I can’t get another job that would keep us paying the mortgage.

Depression kicks in. Mood swings, thoughts of suicide, self harm. I’ve had anxiety attaches for ten years, but its definitely worse. I feel like I’m back in puberty. And yes, I am on Zoloft. I need to get out of this job – I just need him to find something part time and I can at least pay the bills with a lower paying job. Meanwhile, he’s cleaning the house and thinking he’s a good husband for it, applying to one or two jobs a week (only things he thinks he would enjoy, of course).

Mood swings are awful; every other night I’m breaking down in tears, then getting angry with him. This makes him shut down, but I can’t stop… when I’m feeling awful, he’s there to help, and I lash out at him.

Four months out of school and he still doesn’t have a job. Also he didn’t apply for school next semester. What are his plans for the future? I ask, he doesn’t know. He thinks it will “all work out.” So tonight I told him if he doesn’t get a job next week, I’m kicking him out. He left for three hours – I thought maybe he was wandering around looking for jobs, but no, he was sitting in the park “thinking.”

In my mind, I think he’s a spineless looser, but up front I try to be supportive. The problem is, he lived with his parents until he was 28, then moved straight in with me. I feel like he need s a dose of “reality” or he’s always going to think things will “just happen” for him, and he won’t have to work at it.

He knows it’s serious, but he’s just worried that “getting a job is hard for him” and “what if he can’t do it.” I know he’s smart enough, but what if he can’t? I can’t take any more of this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
552 Posts
It sounds like you are negative and he is positive. You are moody, and he is calm. It doesn't mean one person is right and the other is wrong. Did he stop school because you couldn't pay his tuition? Maybe suggest to him that he needs to make his own money to pay his own way. Often, education is more appreciated when you have to work for it. I wish I had better advice for you, good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
81 Posts
I wish I had more to tell you other then you aren't alone. My wife and I had the same issue. She quit her job back in Feb and hasn't worked since. Part of that is my fault. She goes to college and I wanted her to focus on that but it wasn't long before the bills started out growing my paycheck. I told her she need to find a part time job. 2 months later and she hadn't found one. She surfs Monster.com and thinks that the same as looking for a job. Needless to say it put such a strain on me I couldn't handle it. The stress of paying for everything while she sat home all day was too much for me to handle and I asked her to move out. In fact this very minute she is home moving her stuff out. Granted it wasn't all because of her lack of job. There were a lot more problems in the relationship then that. But no doubt the stress over these last few months were a big part of it.

The one thing I learned through all this is marriage is a team effort. No one can hold it together alone. If he's not helping you then maybe you need to look at the bigger picture. Why isn't he?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Um, I don't know what that you are negative he is positive crap is.

It sounds like you are mature and he is not. You can't be in a partnership with someone who is not your equal. It sounds like you have your **** together and he needs some time to figure himself out. It doesn't make him a bad person, while it might make him a lazy person. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do before you could have a healthy relationship with him and that is not going to happen with you paying his bills and enabling his lazy lifestyle. Let him go so he can live up to his potential and you can live your life without dragging his lazy butt around with you.

Maybe he would be perfect for you once he gets himself together but for now it sounds like he is using you. Let him go and get himself together with out you and start fresh once he does.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,270 Posts
It sounds like you are negative and he is positive. You are moody, and he is calm. .

I don't get that at all...

but anyways back on topic....

He should be looking for a job, any job. You don't need to be carrying him and he does not need to be your personal servant instead of working.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
I am in the same boat and need advise. My husband was laid off over a year ago. He has not looked for work. I do all the researching, resume work, applying for jobs for him. I am sick of it and am afraid if his unemployment runs out we will loose our house. He thinks he is contributing to the household by cleaning and I should be just happy. If I bring any of this frustration I am having up with him it turns ugly. Lots of screaming back and forth. I was married previously and have two children. My current spouse has no children and lived with friends/mother until he was 40. HELP
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
PLEASE HELP, !

Can you please give me an advise,,I desperately need it.

My husband and I moved Canada 3 years ago, Before he moved , He finished his bachelor's and master's in Math, but since his advisor didn't like him, and his teaching, he couldn't find a job in any colleges. and He also was too lazy to apply, and depressed.

So he understood that hecan't do anything with his degree, he decided to study Mech . Eng. in Canada. So we moved and he couldn't finish his degree and the university told him to leave for 1 year. He had 2-3 F's . and that's the school rule here.Anyway,,now he wants keep going to another college for Mech.Eng. Technician degree starting in January.

But the thing is , since he started his school life veryl late( age 25) now he's 40 years old. All our money is coming from his family.( yes , he has that miracle family!!)

WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HIM? SHOULD I SUPPORT HIM, SHOULD I JUST PUSH HIM TO GO AND FIND A WORK? PLEASE HELP,,
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
I understand your frustration. My husband just went back to work after being out of work for about 2 years. Yes the economy is bad and I was making enough at my job to cover the bills but watching TV and playing computer solitaire all day just wasn't cutting it. Even when he tried to be a little bit productive around the house all I wanted was for him to find a job--any job.

Now he has a contract position and I guess he has forgotten how things work in the real world. He was called for jury duty this week. He didn't get picked and was home by 9 am, but did he go to work? Of course not! And today he asks me why he isn't getting paid for the 8 hours he didn't work. He has completely forgotten what contractor means---no benefits!

Try to make your husband understand how you feel about him not working. You might consider marriage counseling if he doesn't listen and you have insurance. Sometimes they listen better when someone else is in the room.

Good luck to you
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Thank you very much for your response,,It seems like what ever I do, and feel, seeing him desperate makes me more desperate than him..I think this is just the feminine charactesristic that God gave us..
Bless you all..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
It is hard to be a married man with no job. people think you are just lazy or immature. I feel sorry for all married men out there who are unemployed. Lord have mercy.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top