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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hi y'all,

I need some serious help! My husband and I met in Mexico (he's Mexican) and he's been here in Austin with me for one year. We married so we could be together in the US--and I love him more than I've ever loved any man.

He's a great, sweet guy--treats me like a princess--but since he's been unemployed and lookin for a job he's been moody, grouchy, depressed. I know he left his family and a life he loved in Mexico behind to be with me, but he's ALWAYS around and I have no time to myself anymore! He refuses to get a temp job while he searches for a full time job (he's an architect) and I'm goin' crazy! It's a burden to have him depend on me emotionally and socially like this.

I used to grin and bear it--being the supportive wife he needed me to be, but I am losing steam and I miss the life I had before, when we were just dating and he wasn't so dependent on me. He has a recent tendency to be snarky and prickly now--I can't relax around him for fear of yet another passive aggressive "joke" popping up--so I really don't say much around him.

And too much time together is NOT a good thing! But then I feel guilty going out on my own cuz he's been alone looking for jobs all day!

Does anyone have any advice? Thanks y'all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 · (Edited)
An example of the "jokes".... whenever I'm cleaning or cooking he'll say "yeah that's what I like to see" as if he's some creepy domineering dude. I've talked to him 'bout it a ton of times, told him comments like that make me uncomfortable--especially because I HATE the idea that a woman's place is in the kitchen/cleaning (YUCK--household work should be equal, end of story). He apologizes but then keeps doing it.

It's like he's lost his sense of manhood and is making uncomfortable comments to me to try to get it back. I feel a bit victimized in this...

He was never like this before he was unemployed--never made "jokes" about "what my role is"... and I really don't know how to deal with them anymore, other than slamming the door on my way out of the house.
 

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At the risk of generalizing here, I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that you could be dealing with cultural differences as well. My oldest daughter is married to a hispanic man...my sister was married for years to a hispanic man...I've dated hispanic men (we're from Texas as well :) )and there ARE cultural differences. Hispanic men *traditionally* are very "macho" type of men.
I will just speak of my daugher's husband, and my experiences with hispanic men. They don't like to seen as being "taken care of" by their woman. This is a source of pride for them. My daughter's husband treats her like some spoiled princess, but he's quick to make little "remarks" when she displeases him instead of just talking to her outright. I'm not suggesting only hispanic men do this...they haven't cornered the market on that. I am sure hearing my own experiences and that of others I know in your posts. My daughter's husband makes remarks like that, and there's a part of him that is telling the truth when he does (he really DOES like seeing things like that), but I don't think he realizes how he comes across.
I'm not sure that I have any advice for you, except to hang in there until he finds work. Austin is a great town (my nephew lives there) with a booming economy (or at least it used to be, and not too awfully long ago at that) and it's likely he will find work.
But other than getting him to truly understand how his comments are making you feel (don't know exactly how you're going to do that), maybe you're just going to have to keep slamming doors? I'm not serious about that, btw.
I haven't been any help here, I just know what you're dealing with. But..since you ARE married now, and not just dating...it would really be a great thing for a wife to do to allow her husband to lean on her more during this time.
 

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I agree that to much time with one person can not always be a good thing, even the strongest friends in the world need time apart, so i can understand how this is a frustrating time for you and prob him too..

Is it possible that for your husband to not be active in the workforce that his man hood has taken a beating because of the fact he cant find a job, most men feel a sense of pride when they provide for the family and it his behaviour towards you is because of this, this is his way of dealing with the fact that he is not ful filling "his role" as the provider, now this is no excude for him to say hurtful things to you especially wen you have spoken to him about how it makes you feel, my guess is he is embarrased and takes it out on you to make you feel the way he does...

This is a tough one on how to fix untill he has found a job he may think he is funny.. you could bring it up again and just explain that you understand that he is feeling frustrated about not finding a job but just like before the comments he is making are very hurtful and they are putting a wall between you.

the other option is ignore them, i know they hurt but i am sure e will get a job soon and he will stop saying them
 

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He needs to grow up a little bit. I was from another country too, I left my family behind me too, but that doesn't mean my husband is indebted to me. it was a choice I made and I am the one who is responsible for it. It's understandable that he behaves differently because he is in a turmoil situation, but he needs to face it and adjust himself. our life journey is: to overcome one difficulty after another.
 

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And another thing I should add: since he's been home all day, he's started to put me down in little ways--like, whenever I'm cleaning or cooking he'll say "yeah that's what I like to see" as if he's some creepy domineering guy. I've talked to him 'bout it many times, told him comments like that make me uncomfortable, but apologizes then he keeps doing it. It's like he's lost his sense of manhood and is making uncomfortable comments to me to try to get it back. I feel a bit victimized in this...

He was never like this before he was unemployed--never made passive aggressive jokes about "what my role is"... and I really don't know how to deal with them anymore, other than slamming the door on my way out of the house.

Is it possible that he is very inconfident deep down, because of his unemployement?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 · (Edited)
Thanks for your responses, y'all!

It's nice to know I'm not alone in this at least. I DEFINITELY think his comments are a cultural thing. I was raised in a more open family that encouraged healthy communication, and he was likely put down whenever he expressed a genuine emotional need to family members when growing up.

BUT passive aggression is the most annoying thing in the world to me--it's cowardly and creates a huge wall.

When I have something to say, I say it--I don't hide behind two-pronged "jokes" about people I love. If he keeps it up, it won't be long until I'm spending every night away--just trying to avoid the "jokes".

And I agree, Greentea, that a lot of this is because his self esteem is low right now (in fact, I know it is, because he got a call last week from a firm called Barley & Pfeiffer... and he was sooo nice+loving all of a sudden).

I just don't want to teach him that it's OK to drag me down whenever he needs a boost. He says I should just fight back/ "joke" about him when he does that... NO thanks, I'm not interested in a passive aggressive, emotionally confusin' marriage.

He also says he feels like he has to "always censor" himself around me (since I've been speaking up about how it make me feel)... But I'm censoring MYSELF too because I never know what he'll say! What a crap situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Oh and when I respond to his "jokes" in a direct way, like "So you want me to be washing your dishes and cleaning up after you all day?" he gets even more grouchy and says I can't take a "joke"... or that I'm "always reading into things". It's seriously annoying!
 

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I'm an unemployed husband and I'm driving my wife crazy too. I owned a small construction business and business dwindled from 7 days a week to nothing and now I sit at home for days at a time clicking on the computer applying for countless numbers of jobs. If he's like me, your husband probably has alot of frustration and lack of confidence built up. Men need to get out and work everyday not only to use up energy, but to feel a sense of usefullness in the world. Any job he can get just to get out of the house would help alot but I know even those are hard to find right now. It's just difficult and confusing times for everyone right now and there are alot of folks out there dealing with the same thing.
 
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