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@kindMe77 and @Manchester

This man hasn't worked BY CHOICE for approximately 8 of the last 10 YEARS. That is quite a different sitaution than a man who has lost his career due to circumstances. He isn't doing very much at home, bare minimum re: chores and below the bare minimum re: the relationship. OP clearly stated this "man" isn't even looking for work (one application a week on average) and spends most of his time "at the gym" while she works.
MJJEAN thanks for clarifying that. I really have to read more carefully.
 

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Frustrated,

Everyone has a baseline level of ambition. You cannot change that. All you can do is create a lot of friction fighting about it.

He knows that the lack of sex and financial contribution are both hurting you. He's ok with that.



Please help me figure this out. My husband is a good husband. We've been married for 10 years and no kids. He treats me well and helps out around the house. I've been supporting us financially through the majority of the marriage as he was employed for only two of those years. I make a good salary but want a husband with a career (or just a job) and at least some passion for something in life. He is currently looking for employment after having quit a retail job. He doesn't want to deal with customer services..and certain jobs are beneath him. When I ask about his job search, he gets annoyed and defensive.

I'm trying to be supportive but starting to run out of patience. I can't have a husband who sits at home. Is anyone going through this?
 

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OP's husband is more like a trophy wife. He got him a sugar momma to pay his bills and all she requires him to do is the absolute bare minimum. He gets to flitter around all day, go to the gym, do a little here and there, and someone else will pay his bills for him. Heck, he doesn't even have to put out but once every month or so. It sounds like a marriage of (his) convenience.

Frankly, I wonder exactly how terrible OP's previous relationships were that she considers this guy a catch and wants to keep him around. I couldn't imagine wanting to come home every day to a pretty boy who doesn't want to have regular mind blowing sex with me AND who can't/won't keep a job while doing hardly anything around the house or in the community.

One of my favorite posters on another forum I frequent is a SAHD who has 5 children he homeschools. He and his wife decided it would make more sense for him to stay home than for her to do it because she had a higher income. He does the childcare, the schooling, the household chores, the errands, and the yard work as well as handles their social calendar. I have no argument against a man staying home, but he better be doing something productive with his time.
 

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A different medication may have helped its too bad he got the wrong effect from it just imagine if he got better how different your life could be.
He had the medication he needed to get better. But he had to CHOOSE to DO BETTER. That's the point.

He did not have these problems when I married him. He had been working for almost 2 decades, supported his ex-wife and children until their divorce. He chose to spend his life playing on the computer and doing nothing else. Doing that caused his mental health problems. He had the choice, once on medication to use them as a tool to stop playing computer games, using porn and surfing the web. But he chose to not do the right thing.

It was not until I divorced him and told him that I refused to support him that he started working again... and even then I had to put out the money to help him start a business because after 10 years of not working, no one would hire him.

For people who suffer form issues like depression, ADD, bi-polar... doing the right things, vs the wrong thing is a CHOICE. The meds don't make the choice, they make it easier to make the right choice. But it's still up to the person to choose to change their life.
 

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Why do only guys feel this way when they don't work?

For the entire term of our failed marriage my exwife never worked. She was happy, satisfied, able to do whatever she wanted, guilt free all because she had someone to support her.

Now that we're divorced I will pay her forever and she is with a new guy who works and she still doesn't work.

Is it a gender thing? Are all women like this I wonder? My experiences tell me YES.

I don’t want to hijack the OP’s thread here. So I’ll give you the short answer. No all women are not like your wife. If a woman has developed a career, she can have the same bad reaction to not working as a man does. If she’s been the breadwinner her entire life (as I have), she definitely can react badly to unemployment.

Some women have taken on a more traditional role like your wife. Their “employment” is being a traditional wife and mother. Take that away from them and they will fall apart.
 

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Marriage is a two-person (usually) enterprise. Each has to do what is needed for both to survive. Each has to chip in, with whatever needs to be done, be it work outside or inside of the house.

Maybe more important than that, if he knows it makes you unhappy, he should do something to fix that situation, even if he doesn't really want to. He should want to because he should want you to be happy.
 

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Discussion Starter #71
Let's say he picked up the slack at home and started keeping the house and yard together.

He learns how to cook.

He starts volunteering a few times a month.

And he starts at least having sex once a week.

Would that be okay with you @FustratedinCA


==================================

I'm hoping this thread isn't turning into "men who stay at home are bums".

This guy has hit the skids and, quite frankly, sounds depressed to me.

But, I think we can agree that there is nothing wrong with the concept of a man staying at home IF his wife makes enough money for them to be comfortable. Right?
Hi Notmyrealnam.
It would be great. Ideally, I would like him to bring in some sort of an income. Even at $20K a year. He is college educated and should be able to find employment.
 

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Discussion Starter #72
Marriage is a two-person (usually) enterprise. Each has to do what is needed for both to survive. Each has to chip in, with whatever needs to be done, be it work outside or inside of the house.

Maybe more important than that, if he knows it makes you unhappy, he should do something to fix that situation, even if he doesn't really want to. He should want to because he should want you to be happy.
CuriousBlue- Thank you for this reminder. He is making some effort. I did ask him to pick me up some flowers and he did. I've asked him to start wearing his wedding ring and he did during dinner last night. He hates the feel of wearing a ring- so he has never wear one during our marriage. He does get mad when I don't wear mine. He's getting better with that.

He is looking for work though I'm being patient that he has only applied for two jobs in the last two weeks. I've cut back on asking for a daily update on his job application status because each time I ask, he gets defensive and passive aggressive.
 

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Unfortunately it sounds like you have a parent/child dynamic. This does not work in a marriage. You shouldn't have to tell him to buy you flowers or check up on him about job applications. He sounds like a man child. Without MC I don't think this can be changed.
 

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Discussion Starter #74
I am a husband who has been unemployed and supported by his wife's high salary. I understand the feeling of shame, confusion, anger and frustration, when dealing with unemployment. I really don't know how to reply to your statement. All I know, is, your husband probably is going through stages of coming to terms with his unemployment. Like any other crisis perhaps you don't truly understand his internal struggle with this life situation. Maybe his wheels are spinning on what to do next. Or maybe he is still stuck in the depression stage of his loss and has to come out of that. You can't think straight when you are depressed. Perhaps when he exists the depression state and enters the anger state, that anger will catapult him using his anger in a constructive way to take action and take on a new career.
Kindme77- how long does this depression stage last. He stopped working in 2006 for the exception of a few years. He doesn't seem depressed as he laughs often, enjoys our leisure travel, outings and such. I've asked him to talk to someone about it and he said it wouldn't help. What helped you? Maybe I can try for it as well. Thank you
 

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Discussion Starter #75
MJjean-your summary of the current situtation is true. He say that he would apply for more than 1 job a week but there isn't much available that is a fit. I see "for hire" signs during our outtings but he said that those jobs doesn't fit his personality.

If I lost my job, I would have to go pickup a temporary job to make ends meet for us. This has happened during the past. I had forgotten that I had to waitress at night to help us finance a car purchase while he stayed at home. This memory makes me sad as everyone here is making it apparent that I am the dumb one here.
 

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Unfortunately it sounds like you have a parent/child dynamic. This does not work in a marriage. You shouldn't have to tell him to buy you flowers or check up on him about job applications. He sounds like a man child. Without MC I don't think this can be changed.
He say he's not the romantic type. So I figured, since he's not a mind reader and I don't want to be disappointed, it is better that I ask him.
 

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CuriousBlue- Thank you for this reminder. He is making some effort. I did ask him to pick me up some flowers and he did. I've asked him to start wearing his wedding ring and he did during dinner last night. He hates the feel of wearing a ring- so he has never wear one during our marriage. He does get mad when I don't wear mine. He's getting better with that.

He is looking for work though I'm being patient that he has only applied for two jobs in the last two weeks. I've cut back on asking for a daily update on his job application status because each time I ask, he gets defensive and passive aggressive.
FCA, We are quick here to normally say a spouse is cheating, but C'mon, look at all the clues and tell me these are NOT the signs of a cheating spouse?

1) Spends all his time at the gym, instead of looking for work. That gives him free time to spend with his other woman.
2) Won't have sex with you. He is getting it elsewhere.
3) Does not carry his weight in the marriage. Won't do the chores. He does not care about you.
4) Won't wear his wedding ring. It is harder to date other women when you do that.
5) He gets mad when you don't wear yours. He does not want to lose his good life.

He picks up flowers when you ask him? Wow, such a great guy.

I have my own problems and that is why I am here. IMO your problem is not your husband but your problem is you. Why do you put up with this? Why do you think you don't deserve a much better partner. You do. You will never change him, whether he is faithful or cheating. You can only change you and your reaction to him.

You deserve better. :|

BTW, if he is not cheating, then he see you only as a paycheck. I am sorry.
 

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Discussion Starter #78
FCA, We are quick here to normally say a spouse is cheating, but C'mon, look at all the clues and tell me these are NOT the signs of a cheating spouse?

1) Spends all his time at the gym, instead of looking for work. That gives him free time to spend with his other woman.
2) Won't have sex with you. He is getting it elsewhere.
3) Does not carry his weight in the marriage. Won't do the chores. He does not care about you.
4) Won't wear his wedding ring. It is harder to date other women when you do that.
5) He gets mad when you don't wear yours. He does not want to lose his good life.

He picks up flowers when you ask him? Wow, such a great guy.

I have my own problems and that is why I am here. IMO your problem is not your husband but your problem is you. Why do you put up with this? Why do you think you don't deserve a much better partner. You do. You will never change him, whether he is faithful or cheating. You can only change you and your reaction to him.

You deserve better. :|

BTW, if he is not cheating, then he see you only as a paycheck. I am sorry.
BlueinBR-
Thank you for taking time to compile your thoughts. I do see all the circumstantial conditions that may lead people to think my husband is cheating on me, but I have a hard time believing it. I feel so strongly about this that it would destroy me if there is someone else.

I think you're right, I need to reassess my role in this marriage and my next steps. I agree that I am starving for his attention. I am talking less and paying more attention to his actions. I came to the conclusion that it is not that he has a low sex drive but it is more likely that he isn't into me. For example, he would hang out with my other girl friends and I see how he gets lighted up and talks louder and more. So I see that there is interest in female interactions. So it makes me think: what is it about me that he finds undesirable? Perhaps it is me playing the caregiver role which I am ready to let go.

What pains me the most is the idea of a separation. I've been with him since I was 19/20...I don't know a life without him.
 

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"For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat." 2 Thessalonians 3:10

"But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, especially for members of his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8

He needs to work 2 full-time jobs for the next 8 years to give you the 8 year break you deserve for carrying his lazy a$$ that long.
 

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He treats me well, helps out with the chorus around the house, protective of me, loves me...
Let me get this straight.

He hasn't worked for basically 8 LONG years out of the 10 years you've been with him, and he 'helps out' with the housework?

So you work full time AND do the housework while this lazy ass "helps out?"

Why would you settle for being with someone so completely worthless?
 
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