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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, my name's Chez & I've been with my boyfriend on/off for 5 & a half years now & we've lived together for the last 2 years. He really is the best partner I could ever wish for & I love him to bits, I can't stress that enough.

Last week I accidently found a ring, a beautiful engagement ring, buried beneath a bunch of his things - obviously I'm ecstatic & have already ran through how he's gonna propose a billion times in my head! I had no idea he was thinking like that so its caught be my surprise but he's definitely the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. :)

The problem is that I would feel sort of wrong marrying him with him not knowing that I've not always been faithful in the past.

I'm not gonna go into any more details than that, but what do I do? The last thing I wanna do is break his heart & it actually seems that the best thing for everyone is to bury the past in the past & move on. I know I won't cheat on him again, especially not with an engagement, and with 2013 starting tomorrow it seems the perfect time to treat it as a clean slate & a fresh start.

I've been treat badly by previous partners in the past & my bf is the first good thing to happen to my life in a long time. I don't want to risk that for being stupid in the past.

I know people like to treat these things as black & white but this is a massive grey area in reality. I'm not even sure what responses I want, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Thanks. x
 

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Tell him now before he proposes. Let him make the decision to propose or not.
DITTO.

Exactly. I would have been much longer winded. But,much much better to tell him about it before he proposes to you.

See if he is going to forgive you and move the relationship on with you.


Also... Be very careful of sneaking thru others possessions. I also found an engagement ring in my hubby's (then boyfriends) "things" drawer. I used to try it on when alone, etc.

Then I found out that it was the engagement/promise ring for the girl before me! Turns out she had given it back & He just stuck it away until he needed it for a pawn, or... he said later.. If he ever needed another engagement ring, he was going to keep the chip from it & put it in another setting.

I'm so glad he didn't use that ring, after I knew where it had been.
 

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I agree with everyone else.. Trust is the cornerstone of any sucessful relationship.. As bad as it may hurt and as bad as it might screw things up... It is best to tell him now..
 

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Hope4thebest said: Trust is the cornerstone of any sucessful relationship.. As bad as it may hurt and as bad as it might screw things up... It is best to tell him now..


The one good thing here is...you are struggling with your conscience...this is how it works...you know you did something very wrong against this good man, he didn't deserve it at all.

When we truly love another...we will put them 1st... to give this man the full 100% truth ...is honorable... it is right... it is the way of integrity...and allow him to make up his own mind...this is his life & his future.

People can forgive... but they will want to understand WHY...you owe him this much...

Ask yourself this question... had he done this to you, would you want to know, wouldn't you feel this is your right??

And never discount these things showing up in the future... if this comes to light...your husband will NEVER trust you again -for keeping this from him ...it's no way to start a marriage.

All firm foundations are built upon Honesty... which builds Trust... it is upon you to convince him YOU have changed and this will never never never happen again ~before you take his ring.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
When he proposes, tell him NO and tell him WHY you will not marry him and rob him of his chance for a happy life with a faithful wife.
But I will be a faithful wife, I've got no doubt about that. There's absolutely no need to sound so judgemental, life isn't as simple as that. Surely people deserve another chance?



The one good thing here is...you are struggling with your conscience...this is how it works...you know you did something very wrong against this good man, he didn't deserve it at all.

When we truly love another...we will put them 1st... to give this man the full 100% truth ...is honorable... it is right... it is the way of integrity...and allow him to make up his own mind...this is his life & his future.

People can forgive... but they will want to understand WHY...you owe him this much...

Ask yourself this question... had he done this to you, would you want to know, wouldn't you feel this is your right??

And never discount these things showing up in the future... if this comes to light...your husband will NEVER trust you again -for keeping this from him ...it's no way to start a marriage.

All firm foundations are built upon Honesty... which builds Trust... it is upon you to convince him YOU have changed and this will never never never happen again ~before you take his ring.
I know what you're saying, but I'm absolutely terrified of him leaving me. Surely not every marriage is the same? What good is there in breaking his heart by telling him about things that will have no impact on our future?

This is kind of my worst nightmare.
I have absolutely no idea what to do.
 

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What good will come of him knowing this? The only things I can think of:

- He might one day discover the truth and by not telling him, she's compounded one wrong (unfaithfulness) with another (deception.)

That's the only benefit I can see from telling him, because it will not build trust. It will have the opposite effect.

On the other hand, it is important to lay the groundwork for trust and get ugly truths out of the way before marriage so that the marriage can start with a sound foundation.

I would give serious thought about how can let him know you've learned a lesson and won't repeat it. I would also say you need to own your actions and not try to blame him for what you did. Finally, I would approach it in as non-threatening way as I could find. I might start by saying I have some regrets about myself and reveal that I was once unfaithful and how it plagued my conscious and see what his response is to this before revealing that it was him I'd cheated on.
 

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I think you have an idea. Everyone so far has basically said the same thing.

My gut tells me you won't say a word though.

You say "not always..." How many times have you been unfaithful?
 

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H

The problem is that I would feel sort of wrong marrying him with him not knowing that I've not always been faithful in the past.

I'm not gonna go into any more details than that, but what do I do? The last thing I wanna do is break his heart & it actually seems that the best thing for everyone is to bury the past in the past & move on. I know I won't cheat on him again, especially not with an engagement, and with 2013 starting tomorrow it seems the perfect time to treat it as a clean slate & a fresh start.
Does HE know you've cheated on him?

Just a question.

I'm glad to see that you're doing the one thing that's most important to all of this... Taking responsibility for yourself. This is the ultimate key to ALL success, at ALL things.

I'm not sure that you need to tell him. Were you in an agreed-to monogamous relationship? Or did you just think you should be?

First, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself, to see what YOU bring to the relationship. Honesty? Integrity? Safety? Emotional fulfillment?

If you have not been in the past, his asking you is the time to make that promise you did NOT make in the past, and time for you to have a real start with a real promise, with a "new" you - one with true commitment and who is true to yourself.

And even if he doesn't ask... If you work on YOU, and YOU become that partner you want to be, what's the worry about breaking his heart? You will not. That's the person you want to be - whether it's with him, or whoever it may be in the future, if not with him. In the end, it's all about your own learning, your own conscience, your own integrity, your own character. Do this for yourself, not for him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
What good will come of him knowing this? The only things I can think of:

- He might one day discover the truth and by not telling him, she's compounded one wrong (unfaithfulness) with another (deception.)

That's the only benefit I can see from telling him, because it will not build trust. It will have the opposite effect.

On the other hand, it is important to lay the groundwork for trust and get ugly truths out of the way before marriage so that the marriage can start with a sound foundation.

I would give serious thought about how can let him know you've learned a lesson and won't repeat it. I would also say you need to own your actions and not try to blame him for what you did. Finally, I would approach it in as non-threatening way as I could find. I might start by saying I have some regrets about myself and reveal that I was once unfaithful and how it plagued my conscious and see what his response is to this before revealing that it was him I'd cheated on.
This is the closest to what I'm thinking. I just don't see how telling him will be a positive thing in any way? I know I've done wrong, but equally I know that it won't be happening again so surely that's the most important thing?

From the second he proposes, it's a totally fresh start at a whole new level in my eyes. I feel guilt, but having that & still being in a relationship with the man I love is better than no longer feeling guilt but losing him.

I don't blame him for any of this, I accept that they are my issues that have led me to make mistakes.

Does HE know you've cheated on him?

Just a question.

I'm glad to see that you're doing the one thing that's most important to all of this... Taking responsibility for yourself. This is the ultimate key to ALL success, at ALL things.

I'm not sure that you need to tell him. Were you in an agreed-to monogamous relationship? Or did you just think you should be?

First, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself, to see what YOU bring to the relationship. Honesty? Integrity? Safety? Emotional fulfillment?

If you have not been in the past, his asking you is the time to make that promise you did NOT make in the past, and time for you to have a real start with a real promise, with a "new" you - one with true commitment and who is true to yourself.

And even if he doesn't ask... If you work on YOU, and YOU become that partner you want to be, what's the worry about breaking his heart? You will not. That's the person you want to be - whether it's with him, or whoever it may be in the future, if not with him. In the end, it's all about your own learning, your own conscience, your own integrity, your own character. Do this for yourself, not for him.
To give the full story, he knows I cheated on him about 4 years ago which was when we broke up. We were only apart for a few months though & have been together ever since. He doesn't know that I've made mistakes since then, which is why I'm even more terrified of letting him know the truth.

I'm really not the person that that makes me sound like. I'm a good person but I've had a lot going through my head at times... I admit I've been stupid & made mistakes but I can say with 100% confidence that it won't happen again. I'm not that person.

I love him, and that's why I'd feel very bad accepting his proposal without him knowing the truth. But I equally think that maybe just treating it as a fresh start is the best thing.

Thanks to both of you for your non-judgemental responses. x
 

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This is the closest to what I'm thinking. I just don't see how telling him will be a positive thing in any way? I know I've done wrong, but equally I know that it won't be happening again so surely that's the most important thing?

From the second he proposes, it's a totally fresh start at a whole new level in my eyes. I feel guilt, but having that & still being in a relationship with the man I love is better than no longer feeling guilt but losing him.

I don't blame him for any of this, I accept that they are my issues that have led me to make mistakes.

To give the full story, he knows I cheated on him about 4 years ago which was when we broke up. We were only apart for a few months though & have been together ever since. He doesn't know that I've made mistakes since then, which is why I'm even more terrified of letting him know the truth.

I'm really not the person that that makes me sound like. I'm a good person but I've had a lot going through my head at times... I admit I've been stupid & made mistakes but I can say with 100% confidence that it won't happen again. I'm not that person.

I love him, and that's why I'd feel very bad accepting his proposal without him knowing the truth. But I equally think that maybe just treating it as a fresh start is the best thing.

Thanks to both of you for your non-judgemental responses. x
Telling him is a positive thing in the sense that it doesn't leave skeletons in the closet that can haunt your marriage later.

However, you claim it wouldn't happen again but... it already did! The second time you cheated, you proved that you did *not* make a commitment to be faithful. And you said you've made mistakes (PLURAL) since then. There's an old saying to the effect of "the second time you commit a sin it stops being a sin." It sounds to me like you are a serial cheater and should avoid marriage until you find a relationship where you are NEVER tempted to cheat.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
However, you claim it wouldn't happen again but... it already did! The second time you cheated, you proved that you did *not* make a commitment to be faithful. And you said you've made mistakes (PLURAL) since then. There's an old saying to the effect of "the second time you commit a sin it stops being a sin." It sounds to me like you are a serial cheater and should avoid marriage until you find a relationship where you are NEVER tempted to cheat.
It's not like that at all.

We probably got back together too soon after the initial break-up, we were both younger - I'm a different person now. It feels like I've only recently fully got my life in a place where I like it & I understand what I want now. I KNOW I will not cheat again, it's just not even a temptation - that's not the issue. The issue is whether or not to tell the man I love & want to marry about the past.
 

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It's very much the issue that will be on his mind.

Whether you can demonstrate that or not is the question. I hope you have complete openness on each other's phones and computers, and that you *will* give him time to consider if he's willing to take that chance with you, because your behavior so far has been that your judgment was not good.

I don't doubt that you feel differently now. And there's no way for me (and maybe even not you) to know if your more recent loyalty is permanent or if you just think it is because you're anticipating getting engaged.

I'm really not trying to be a b*tch about it. Yes you were younger, but age doesn't excuse it. Plenty of young people never go there. This is about what happens when you feel dissatisfied or when you're lacking excitement. Whatever it was that prompted you to cheat before will come back into your life again, and if you do not have a different way to cope with it, you'll fall back to what you've done in the past.
 

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Ok, I'm the type of person that would want to know... some people are LIKE this.. what type is he? I am also the type than could forgive something like that ....IF I understood it... (Maybe you just had a fight, maybe you hit a low point in your life, I don't know the story- -why did you do it????).... but someone NOT giving me that opportunity- who claimed they loved me...... No.. this would NOT at all be "acceptable" to me.....not at all. I'd feel monumentally betrayed with anyone I loved withholding this information from me.

It is something you have hidden away in your heart..such things have a way of hurting us inside, even if we are trying to protect the other.

People are different...I suppose... I prefer honesty, even when it hurts like hell, I want to know what I am dealing with. I feel RESPECT from that ....

You will get a variety of opinions here...as I am sure he falls into one of these categories as well....

1. Some would Cut you off just for being honest

2 Some would THANK YOU for being brave enough to be honest in the face of possible loss...it will rip his heart out but your sharing your heart with tears -in showing your remorse - This has a voice also...such things CAN be worked out & your relationship will be the better for it ............(This is the camp I would fall into, as I believe GOOD people can screw up badly , we are all human).

3. Then some would rather NOT know.

How do you feel your BF would be - which camp ?? If you truly feel he would rather NOT know, maybe that would be for the best...... though I think this would be something anyone would try to convince themselves of - in this situation..
 

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Surely people deserve another chance?
But you're not asking for a second chance. You're desire is to betray, decieve, lie and then some nutty attempt to justify.

Face it, as this is how you think and act best of luck, but I suggest trying to change your stripes before you cause even more problems.
 

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What good is there in breaking his heart by telling him about things that will have no impact on our future?


Would you rather he find out after you have children? Then not only is his heart breaking but their family life will be torn apart as well.

Deception always has an impact on the future....this is true, whether the deceived ever finds out the truth or not. The deceiver, in this case YOU, have to live with the fact you're hiding something from him and when/if he ever finds out, your life as you know it will forever be changed. The pressure of knowing this can/will take its toll on the relationship. The longer you go without disclosure, the more it's going to eat at you.

If what you say is true and you'd like to start 2013 off on a 'clean slate'.....then coming 'clean' with him on the past is the only way to achieve it. Without it, there will be no 'clean slate'. JMO
 
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