Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
55 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all! I am hoping to get some advice concerning a situation I found myself in. I have been married for 4 ½ years. My marriage to my husband has been rocky sometimes, but I love him and I feel that he loves me too. However, he has a friendship with a female that I am not comfortable with and I want to get some opinions of if I am over reacting or if my concerns are valid.

My husband came to the United States 3 ½ years ago when we married. He is now a US Citizen. I am the only family he has in the United States. About 2 ½ years ago he began taking classes at a local community college, where he met this girl from Vietnam. She is almost 10 years younger than him. He told me that they became friends and that she tried to kiss him but that he didn’t allow it and explained that he was married. They stayed friends despite my concern and took classes together and would secretly call and text each other. About a year after starting classes our marriage hit a very bad point. Long story short I discovered his car at her house and I left him at her house without a car and nowhere to go. There are lots of reasons for this that I won’t get into, but I will say that I was supporting him while he went to college and the vehicle was mine. So when I left him he had no money or place to go. In any case, he ended up staying with this girl’s family for over a month. A little while later we got back together. He swore nothing happened with her or anyone else and I accepted this and decided to try to repair our relationship.

As soon as my husband and I got back together this girl begins calling and texting him. My husband says she is a very good friend and that he is not attracted to her. He told me that the secrecy was because he knew the calls upset me. And that is completely true. I get very upset when I see texts and calls to and from her. Of course we are not talking about a call a couple of times a week. There are several calls and texts in a day. I told my husband I would try to accept his friendship if he keeps everything in the open. He agreed.

It’s been almost a year since all of that happened. I have now moved 2 ½ hours away to take a better job with better pay. I am still the only one working while he is in school. I recently found out that he took a trip to the mountains with some friends. He never told me he was going on this trip. I was upset when I learned about this but figured it was a spontaneous boys night out.

A few weeks later I was looking at the phone records and saw a lot of phone calls to one number and asked him about it. He made an excuse that I didn’t buy and the next day the record mysteriously was deleted. I confronted him and told him that I knew he was lying. He admitted that it was that girl. This was a major shock to me because he had previously told me that she returned to her country. I also learned that he went with her to the mountains with a group of friends but claimed not to take any pictures of the friends he went with. His excuse for all this lying and secrecy is that he knew it would upset me. When I see that she is calling and texting him I do get upset. I should say in my defense that I have no problem with his other female friends, just this one in particular. He does not seem to be willing to give up this friendship even though I am uncomfortable with it. Does anyone have any advice for me?? I could really use it right now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,453 Posts
IMO, your H is having an affair which is at the very least an EA but, in all probability, PA as well. His weekend trip away (which you presumably footed the bill for?) sounds very suspicious indeed.

It isn't appropriate for a married man to be texting and phoning random female friends, and it certainly isn't appropriate for him to still be having any contact with the woman in question, other than at school.

You really do need to sit him down, OP, and set some healthy boundaries that will protect your marriage, and he needs to make sure he sticks to them. If he doesn't, then you might have to seriously consider whether or not you're prepared to remain in a relationship with a man who behaves as though he's still single.

You might also want to read "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass.

Also, here's a link to Dr Glass' website:- http://www.shirleyglass.com/afterword.htm
 
  • Like
Reactions: Emerald

·
Registered
Joined
·
606 Posts
there are a lot of red flags here. he's a liar. he's sneaking around. he lies by omission. he's having some kind of affair. and he's not working. what in the world is he studying in college that he doesn't have a job? I worked throughout college with part time jobs. one semester I worked full time and went to school full time. going to school full time is only 15-18 hours a week (not including studying). he should be pulling some weight around here. You're his sugar mama and he's cheating on you (emotional or physical). if he can't give up a friendship that is threatening your marriage, then he has made a choice and doesn't value your marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Hi dear,

as I see in the home you are the man who works and he is the wife who goes to university.I only suggest you something.Take a month as holidays or 3 weeks in your work,and you have to follow him and his moves.
Then you tell him,you have no job anymore...look what he is going to do without your money!
I think you have to proove his love my dear, you have give your loyallty in the plate but he is only thinking about the career,sudies, trips with friends etc.
Hope this helps you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,478 Posts
Sorry.... but ALL the behaviors you describe sound like an affair, it seems really obvious that he at best is a liar and a sneak...certainly not to be trusted or taken at his word.

At worst he is a cheater and user.

It's pretty clear he took the affair underground when you confronted him...

I would ask the moderators for this to be moved to CWI (coping with infidelity) there are really nice people in their with personal experience who can offer better advice and support than the general board.

Once again I'm really sorry your going through this... you don't deserve it... no-one does!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,564 Posts
You mention several times in your post that your husband claims he keeps his communication with this woman a secret because it would "upset" you. Is your husband a stupid person? Because he is insulting your intelligence!

Uh, yeah ... a spouse is supposed to be upset when their partner is conducting secret calls and messages with a member of the opposite sex.

Your husband is a liar. He is very likely messing around on you. Tell him to get a part-time job, and don't give him any money to fund his extra-curricular "activities."

Frankly, it sounds like he is cheating to me. Consider having a serious talk with him and ENFORCING boundaries - as in NO CONTACT with his "friend."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
55 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you all for your responses. I just want to comment that my husband was working for about a year, but he lost it when I kicked him out of the house. When we got back together I asked him to focus on his studies. His grades where slipping and I thought if he devoted himself to school he could get done faster. The other question that was brought up was how he paid for the trip. He paid for it with his own money.

We are moving and he will be getting a second job and will be away from that girl, both of which I think is a step in the right direction.

I don't know if he is cheating, but at the very least I think he may be having an EA. I love him and I know he loves me and I don't want to end the marriage over this. However, I am having a hard time of convincing him that ending this friendship is best for his marriage. English is not his native language and although he speaks English very well communication is sometimes difficult. In the past when I have explained I am unhappy with his friendship with this girl he thought I don't want him to have ANY friends so he would ask ALL of his friends to stop calling/texting.

I know the situation can't continue the way it is. It puts all kinds of doubt and questions into my head. I'm just uncertain how to best handle it. I thought I gave clear boundaries before...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,662 Posts
He might be physically away from her if you move, but unless he agrees to NC with her, the EA will linger, even if more under the surface. He needs to agree to stop contacting her, or there will continue to be problems.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
150 Posts
If there is an EA, it doesn't matter how far away you guys move from her. I also don't think there's any use trying to reason with him why this is bad for the marriage.

He needs to go NC when you guys move and he has to be absolutely transparent.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Your H might be worried about you, so the reason he hides. But on the other side he cares for that girl too and maintains the relationship.
You have given him good option to continue friendship but keep it transparent. Your Husband is not transparent still keeping secret relationship. You should make him realize that you love him a lot and this kind of his behavior Hurts you. If he wants to keep you happy then better to leave that girl if not possible then atleast try to move away from her. This way can be helpful. What you think ?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,564 Posts
We are moving and he will be getting a second job and will be away from that girl, both of which I think is a step in the right direction.

I don't know if he is cheating, but at the very least I think he may be having an EA. I love him and I know he loves me and I don't want to end the marriage over this. However, I am having a hard time of convincing him that ending this friendship is best for his marriage. English is not his native language and although he speaks English very well communication is sometimes difficult.

I know the situation can't continue the way it is. It puts all kinds of doubt and questions into my head. I'm just uncertain how to best handle it. I thought I gave clear boundaries before...
You are dodging a bullet. You don't know how to handle this situation because you are making excuses for your husband. So what if English is his second language? Does that mean he doesn't understand what NO CONTACT means?

You are rightfully full of doubt and confusion. However, YOU are the only person who can alleviate those feelings.

I don't buy this English-is-his-second-language baloney. He knows he is hurting you and eroding the foundation of your marriage.

Clear boundaries mean this: "If you text, FB friend, email, or call this woman again, you must leave the house. I will not tolerate my husband having other-sex friends, unless those friends are part of a couple and we all get together to socialize."

You make it crystal-clear that his behavior is inappropriate. Frankly, I always scratch my head when someone is 99.9% sure their spouse is having an EA, but contend they love them enough to let it go. Rug-sweeping. This will lead to resentment.

Time to clean house. And do that by getting this woman out of your lives. Call her and tell her to get out of your marriage. Let hubs stand there when you call her. Monitor him.

Sorry, but this "friend" has no place in your marriage. No place at all.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,781 Posts
It's obvious to any third party that your husband is a liar and cannot be trusted in this. You want to believe him because you love him and are afraid of the consequences if you know the actual truth. You can keep making excuses for him if that helps with your fear, but people here won't tell you that it's all OK when it so clearly isn't.

I think it's extremely likely that your H has had an affair with this woman. Extremely likely. If you can live with that, then that's your choice. If you can't, you need to stop making excuses & find out the truth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,453 Posts
I don't know if he is cheating, but at the very least I think he may be having an EA. I love him and I know he loves me and I don't want to end the marriage over this. However, I am having a hard time of convincing him that ending this friendship is best for his marriage.
Which means that he doesn't get it. He doesn't see anything wrong with his relationship with the woman. This being the case, even if he does stop contact with her, his boundaries are such that he could very easily slip into the same sort of thing again with another woman.

Unless you can get your H to understand that a marriage has to have healthy boundaries with the opposite sex, I'm afraid things aren't going to change with him.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top