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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi:

I posted my story before. Long story short, my husband of 24 years told me about 18 months ago that he gave up on our marriage because I neglected him since the birth of our youngest child (now age 16). I agreed we had drifted apart and tried to make some positive changes toward emotional and physical intimacy. We also went to marriage counseling.

Fast forward today. As a couple things have gotten worse. My husband continues to say he just doesn't care like he used to and cannot get over his hurt and anger toward me. He also maintains that everything that went wrong between us is my fault 100% and nothing will ever change his mind on that. He feels he did not conitribute to us drifting apart at all. In addition, whatever I have tried to do to bring us closer together makes him angry and resentful. Since I;ve tried to change he says I am hypocritcal.

The counselor says not to bring up how I feel since it makes my husband upset. Ok. So I am now hurt, resentful, rejected, etc. When I tell my husband (in front of the couneselor) this he says that's how he's felt for all these years. The only thing he does say is he knows the problem is with him now and I can't do anything to change that. I asked him what should I do in the meantime. He says he doesn't know. I said what if you continue to feel this way six months from now? He says he doesn't know since I did this to him I need to be patient.

So now I am languishing in limbo. I am looking at my husband with new eyes. He rewrote our marriage history and blames me for everything, not taking any responsbility. He has not interest at all in physical intimacy and says I ruined that too and he is just going by the schedule I set. I asked him exactely what are we working for since "I ruined everything". He says he wants to get it back. When I suggest some things he blows up and says I ruined it or I'm a hypocrite. Do I really want to stay with this man who says all this stuff about me? How long do you stay? Our youngest child has some health concerns right now and I may lose my job. But on the other hand I'm losing my self esteem and confidence rapidly. Any insight, suggestions or advise would be greatly appreciated.
 

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First, let me start off by saying that your feelings are important and should not be put on the back burner just because it upsets your husband. Marriage counseling is about working together to solve problems. That includes your input, your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You cannot divorce your being from the process. As a result of you being asked to not bring it up, it is causing you increased stress and this in turn affects your relationship not only with your husband but your family.

Secondly, marital problems are created and are prolonged because there are two people involved. This means that marital problems are rarely the fault of only one person. He has a part to play in your relationship and he can help "make it" or "break it." Unfortunately, right now it sounds like he's doing more to harm it than to help it.

May be you and your husband need to seek individual counseling in addition to marital counseling. It sounds like the both of you could benefit from having someone to solely focus on what's going on with you. Similarly, it sounds like your husband could benefit from the individual sessions. It sounds like he's been walking around with a lot of anger for a long time and needs to find a way to lessen it and not let it destroy him and your relationship.
 

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:iagree:

with Donna.

I would like to add, HE should have said this 16 years ago, that is a long time of Stewing going on there, what you have is 16 years of being upset, it just will not change over night.

How does he act towards your 16 year old? And why did you change after that child? was it a girl? boy? how do they interact?
 

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I am currently in the beginning of a sexless marriage, like your husband appears to have been so emotionally damaged by.
I am but two year into ours yet and I can honestly say that things have been their worse since the baby.
A lot of men probably do feel like your husband yet stay in the marriage. They will most likely be asked the question, why they didn't get out of it sooner if they were so unhappy sexually.
I can't speak for your husband whom has gone through it for
16 years, but if you care to gage the amount of anger he is
entitled too, you need only read some of my posts on the subject.
Please note that I have only been in a sexless marriage (by sexless I mean, "not the amount/kind of sex a husband might need/want") for 2 years and I already harbor huge resentment towards my Wife.
I can only imagine how I will feel in 14 more years of a marriage were I feel only my Wifes feelings matter. I will probably act the fool when I finally get to talk about it with a counselor, in front of my Wife and get away with it, wow.

I do agree with you that nothing is 100% one persons fault, how is it his fault you neglecting him since the birth of our youngest child?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks to all who replied. I just wanted to add that we NEVER had a sexless marriage. After our youngest child we were intimacy 2-3 times a week. Alot of quickies, oral sex and lovemaking. The long lovemaking sessions since the kids were little and demanding were not as frequent, but everything else was. My husband says he is upset about the quality of our sex lives not the quantity. He wanted more quality time. Not so easy when kids are little and the husband is out and about all day. While I'm at it, my husband was always gone during the day, true alot of times working for our family. But he went for a lot of training on his job and worked part time in real estate. Was not home alot and when he was, never gave me any attention or affection. But I didn't complain, we both were busy when the kids were little. Apparently, he's complaining now alot. So you see, there's always two sides to every story.
 

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Yeah, some people are just hard to please, as it sounds like your husband might be. If you are doing all you can, that's all you can do, and you should be proud of that fact.
I have it worse than your husband it seems, little quantity and no quality in our sex lives. I don't get oral and I'm lucky if I get it once a month.

Sounds to me like he has some feelings of resentment for other reasons and is just letting you have it because he can right now.

I have a friend who's girl friend tried her best to keep him happy sexually, oral, reading up on positions, plus she's a beautiful hot bodied girl and my friend still cheated on her, just because.
I on the other hand tried to be the best husband and get nothing and I was having a moral conflict with myself when I finally decided to get it somewhere else.

It doesn't matter if your husband gets over what he perceives was done to him or how long it takes for him to finally get over it. What does matter is that you acknowledge your mistakes and be the best Wife and Mother you can, that's all you can do.
You can't take back what was done but you can promise a better tomorrow, tell him that when he's ready to hear you out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
C-Forcer:

Sorry to hear you're going through some tough issues at home. Did you ever think about trying the direct approach with your wife? Sometimes telling it like it is as plainly as possible can help.

Anyway, you mentioned how it seems like my husband could be harboring some other resentment. The thought has crossed my mind. He justifies everything he does by saying that I ruined it or made it that way. In fact, I can't help but think if he felt his needs weren't being met, he could easily justify being with another woman. After all, I caused it to begin with in his mind. Hmmmm.

Another thing you mentioned was your friends girlfriend who did everything to make her guy happy. I have always been fit and am attractive (not that it matters). Always tried to please him too. But he was never happy I guess. By the way, another poster mentioned how my husband's relationship is with my youngest. It is wonderful. He is a great father. The only person he treats resentfully is me.

Ah well.
 

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Hmmm Interesting...Something deeper is brewing then and you need to get to the bottom of it. I have three young kids, and sure our sex life is quickes here and there, my wife does not like to give oral, so I am jealous of you all! ;) :mad: But, we have date nights, and sometimes we are off on the same day while the kids are at school so that becomes a "play day" which is just us.

You need to sit down with your hubby and figure out what to do and that your upset it took 16 years to tell you. Personally I think it is an excuse and a poor one on his behalf. Ask him what is the real issue? and no BS



Carmenenforcer, I remember one time my wife and i had it out, one time she said to me, Go ahead and find someone else and have the affair, just don't tell me about it. Or go get a hooker to satisfy your needs....So I called her bluff. In Atlanta they ahve a swingers club that allows single men on Friday nights...SO on "tuesday" I told my wife, Honey can you watch the kids friday night, I am going out. Her curious peeked...where you going, and I was like, Just out...you know to a club. She was like with who? I was like no one, i'll meet someone there. She was like what club is this? The I said this one...Go look it up on the net if you want to know more about it....Later on I received a angry phone call, you better not go there....blah blah blah....And I said, what happen to your statent on Sunday?? About go find sex somewhere else?...boom the flood gates opened and you know how it goes. Now I never had the intention of going, but I called her bluff, I told her never to make such statements again unless she was ready to face the reality of them....she agreed....Never mentioned again. Plus it came out during a "bad time of month" for her.

So be careful what you do, but maybe try something like that if you can to see how she reacts?
 

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Still sounds to me that your hubby is just looking for justification to do just whatever the hell he wants..

If he goes with another woman, he will say to himself, it's her fault.. she drove me to it..

You have admitted you've made mistakes, you are trying hard to fix them. you realise it will take time. I can't see any indications that he is prepared to meet you even part of the way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Well I went to the MC alone today. He said my husband needs to come back alone to work on his issues. The counselor verified alot, including the fact that my husband's almost irrational anger and resentment may be hiding deeper problems within him. I told the counselor that my husband uses my mistakes to justify everything he does. For instance, his lack of interest in intimacy is my fault because I ignored him and now he's not interested. I said since my husband blames me for everything, if he was having an affair he would say I drove him to it. The counselor said my thoughts are all reasonable and he can understand why I feel that way.

The counselor said in order for our marriage to survive my husband must stop blaming me for everything. In the past my husband has said I am 100% to blame for this mess and no one will convince him otherwise. I told him what the counselor said and he said there is no one to blame but me it would be a waste of time going. I said the choice is his if he wants to save our marriage or not. In the meatime, I have had it with his behavior. I moved out of the bedroom (not that much going on anyway). He must decide if he wants me bad enough. If not, well, it's the beginning of the end.

I have spoken.
 

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Well I went to the MC alone today. He said my husband needs to come back alone to work on his issues. The counselor verified alot, including the fact that my husband's almost irrational anger and resentment may be hiding deeper problems within him. I told the counselor that my husband uses my mistakes to justify everything he does. For instance, his lack of interest in intimacy is my fault because I ignored him and now he's not interested. I said since my husband blames me for everything, if he was having an affair he would say I drove him to it. The counselor said my thoughts are all reasonable and he can understand why I feel that way.

The counselor said in order for our marriage to survive my husband must stop blaming me for everything. In the past my husband has said I am 100% to blame for this mess and no one will convince him otherwise. I told him what the counselor said and he said there is no one to blame but me it would be a waste of time going. I said the choice is his if he wants to save our marriage or not. In the meatime, I have had it with his behavior. I moved out of the bedroom (not that much going on anyway). He must decide if he wants me bad enough. If not, well, it's the beginning of the end.

I have spoken.
I am glad to hear you have the strength and conviction to do that, I wish you the best future.

draconis
 

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Yep, we got your back, he is to blame a 100% that you are no longer in the bedroom.

He definately ahs issues, whatever they may be, I have a co-worker who blames his whole life's ill's on other people. Even when his marriage was on rocky ground, the couple friends he did have, he ended up accusing them of something, including me. So we walked away from helping him.

He is now divorced and is mad becuase his wife Took the house, his wife is TAKING his money...etc.

We know he was an abused child, we also know his sisters were sexually abused by his father, the 1 sister drank herself to death, he blamed his sister, not the dad.

Poeple that pass the blame usually have deeper issues, and he needs the counseling, and my co-worker had the same thing about a counselour, "how will he know anything about me for an hour's worth of therapy?" Sad part is our work offers a program. Maybe your husbands work offers a similar program.

Best of luck.
 

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I've come to this discussion late, but I have to say that i think you are doing absolutely the right thing by laying out your feelings and making that an ultimatum. You cannot continue to live in a limbo, and if this is what it takes to force a solution then so be it. Best of luck, however you play it from here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thanks to all who replied. I am glad I "tumbled" onto this forum. Everyone really gave me some honest feedback and insight. I don't know what the future holds but I do know I've grown a backbone, something I was lacking when this all started.

The folks on this forum are wonderful. Keep up the good work.
I'll keep you all posted.
 

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tumblingdice sorry for the late reply I had lost track of this thread and just read your posts in reply to mine.
Yes, I am a very blunt individual, try to be honest to a fault, and so am usually nothing if not straight up with my Wife about things that bother me. It didn't help much at first, since she tends to get defensive first and think about it later. Thanks for the advice though.

GAsoccerman OMG, my Wife did tell me the exact same thing, almost word for word. "Go ahead and find someone else that will do it for you, just don't tell me about it" AND the "go get a hooker to satisfy your needs."
I swear, where do they get this stuff.
I already knew it was a bluff or rather comments from an arrogant woman that doesn't think I would do it because I'm usually such a nice guy, but unfortunately for her, I'm not so nice anymore, thanks to her and I will go elsewhere.

Funny story, about two week ago I finally decided that enough was enough with the waiting for my Wife to be in the mood or playing that "get me in the mood" game and so I found someone willing to get together for just sex on craigslist.
I was busy that night (Friday) and the weekend that followed and so we agreed to get together after the 22nd of this month and what happens that very same weekend, my Wife is all of a sudden in the mood on her own without any bribing or anything. Since that weekend, I also noticed her touching me, feeling up my bicep while we walked through the store shopping. Acting all lovey-dovey as if she almost knew how close I was to cheating on her. Well the 22nd came and went and I didn't contact that person but I hate the fact that I had to and will probably have to still cheat to get satisfaction without all the BS.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
C-forcer & GAsoccerman:

As two gentlemen that are going through a rough time at home, I was wondering if you could answer a few questions.

I surmise that you are both having problems with physical intimacy at home. Now if you don't mind, do your wives refuse having sex with you? Or is it lack of quality time?

You can see from my posts that my husband is extremely resentful because he didn't like the quality of our time together. Mind you, I always tried to meet his needs, even when tired, not in the mood or whatever. HIS sexual needs were met one way or the other. But he said that it wasn't good enough, he wanted more quality time together.

I figure I cared enough about him to meet his sexual needs at least, even if it was the last thing on my mind. Are you two gentlemen not getting ANY of your needs met? I hope this is not too personal as it may help me understand my husband.

Thanks.
 

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Hi tumblingdice
A lot of my earlier posts are thick with my resentment I feel for my Wifes lack of sensitivity toward my feelings in respect to our sex life. Unlike you, my Wife just seemed to not care if I got any satisfaction out of our sessions. Only when she's in the mood, which is usually like once a month, longer if I make the mistake of "bugging" (asking if we can or when it's going to happen), no oral at all EVER and when we finally do get to it, it usually sucks.
I had stated in an earlier post (not sure in what thread) that I have a friend who's girl friend gives him everything and she's pretty hot too and he still cheated on her. This situassion reminds me of your husbands attitude.
I on the other hand used to treat my Wife like a Queen, daily massages, foot rubs, I do all the cooking and I help with our baby a lot, always taking the time off of work for his appointments or when we don't have a sitter because my Wifes job isn't as flexible, getting up with him at night, etc. and I can't get a break.

All you can do is your best but sometimes that's not good enough for some people, it just sucks that much worse if you are married to that person.
 
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